Chapter Four
Hearing voices, Ian snapped his eyes open. “Damn it, Jennifer, slow down. I’ve never done this before,” he heard Lance say from the living room.
“You don’t have to be so gentle, Lance. It really doesn’t hurt,” Jennifer snapped, and Ian sat up in bed with a startle.
“Damn it, Jennifer, this is my first time, and if you don’t slow down, I’m going to bite one of your fingers off,” Lance snapped.
“If you moved a little faster, we could get done with this. Everyone’s first time doesn’t take this long, and only the girl hurts,” Jennifer said, and Ian jumped up, looking for clothes in a panic. “Are you trying to make this last all day?”
“Jennifer, slow down, and move your hands some so I can see,” Lance almost shouted. “Are you putting it in or taking it out?”
“It goes in then pull back, grab, go back in, and move around. It’s not that hard, Lance, now speed up,” Jennifer giggled. Ian cried out in a low whimper as he dug in the dresser, pulling out shorts and jumping in them. Both legs went in one side of his shorts, and he busted his face on the floor.
Not feeling any pain and yanking the shorts off, Ian rolled on his back and put them on right but pulled them up way to fast and gave himself an atomic wedgie. As his manhood got squished, Ian saw stars as he moaned, rolling on his side and cradling his groin.
“Will you just hold it for a second and let me catch up with you? This is a lot of work,” Lance snapped. “Now, you grab, roll, and put it in again, right?”
“Yes, that’s it, Lance. You got it. Now speed up, and you’ll see it’s easier, but don’t make a mess, or we have to start over,” Jennifer laughed, and the stars vanished from Ian’s sight as he jumped to his feet.
“Do you have to make it so tight? It doesn’t feel right. Can’t you make it a little looser?” Lance asked, and Ian charged to the door of the bedroom with his vision getting red.
“Don’t be a sissy, Lance. The tighter it is, the longer it lasts,” Jennifer smirked as Ian hit the door and threw it open, breathing heavily in grunts and balling his fists. He froze, seeing Lance and Jennifer sitting side by side on the sectional. Carrie was standing in front of Jennifer, and Allie was in front of Lance; Jennifer was showing Lance how to French braid the girls’ hair.
Feeling light headed and sighing with relief, Ian walked over as Lance reached the end of Allie’s hair. “It doesn’t look comfortable,” Lance said in a low voice.
“It’s easier to take care of,” Jennifer laughed as Ian stopped behind the sectional, and Lance put a rubber band on Allie’s hair. “Now, take the rubber band off, and let’s do it again,” Jennifer said, reaching for Allie’s hair.
Grabbing her wrist, Lance narrowed his eyes at her as he growled. “You take that rubber band off, and I’ll bite two fingers off.”
“Excuse me,” Jennifer laughed and noticed Ian. “Hey, Ian.” She smiled at him.
Giving a weak wave, Ian put on a stupid grin as he looked at the clock. “Lance, why are you learning to braid hair at five a.m.?”
Allie spun around and hugged Lance. “Thank you so much,” she said and kissed his cheek.
“You’re welcome,” Lance grumbled, moving Allie out of the way. He jumped up and spun around, glaring at Ian. “I was asked to braid her hair,” he said in a low voice with a hostile look on his face.
“Dude, I didn’t ask you,” Ian said, stepping back as Lance just walked over the sectional.
Jumping off the back and landing in a crouch, Lance snapped, “What was I supposed to do? She had sad eyes and everything.”
Ian rolled his head, looking at Allie, who was just grinning at Lance with lovey dovey eyes. “Allie, you need to stop,” he said then turned back to Lance. “You tell her ass, ‘No.’ Mom and Dad have both told you that. Hell, that’s the only time they ever took the damn snowman movie away because Allie wouldn’t quit asking you to do stuff for her.”
Spinning around, Lance threw up his hands. “Oh, so she can cry, make me feel like shit, and I’m the bad guy.”
With a grunt and a shrug, Ian said, “Shit, I do it all the time, and I don’t feel like shit or a bad guy.”
Lance started pacing back and forth like a caged animal. “I need to do something manly,” he huffed. “I feel like a sissy.”
“Hey, we can go find someone and kick their ass,” Ian grinned.
Coming to a stop, Lance spun for the front door. “I’m going to pee outside.”
“Yeah,” Ian said, raising his fist and pumping it in the air as Lance dug out his key. “Write your name on the driveway, and let the world know men are here!” Ian shouted as Lance stormed out.
Ian looked at the girls’ shocked faces staring at him. He hit his chest with his fist. “Men!” he roared with pride. The girls continued to gape at him. Not liking his audience, Ian headed to the kitchen as he looked up at the monitors on the wall and grinned.
Jennifer turned to the monitors and saw Lance dancing around on the driveway. “What’s he…” She stopped.
“He’s man and writing his name in cursive to prove he has a man card!” Ian called out from the kitchen.
Jennifer shook her head. “How can females even intermingle with the other half of the species?”
“What’s he doing?” Allie asked, looking at the monitors.
“Acting like a boy,” Jennifer said and turned the girls to face her. “You two can’t pester Lance today; otherwise, he’s going to do more stupid stuff.”
“It’s called the macho factor,” Ian howled from the kitchen. “We are men; hear us roar!”
Allie shook her head at Jennifer. “When they did this at the house, Momma would call Ms. Sandy and tell her their sons were crazy and they needed to go shopping so they wouldn’t kill them.”
“Allie, that’s why you two have to give Lance a break,” Jennifer said as Lance came in the front door, howling. They all turned to watch him run to the kitchen. Ian stepped out, and they both jumped in the air, bumping chests. “Girls, I mean it. I can’t take much more of this manly show.”
After breakfast, Ian and Lance dressed, and when they came out of their bedroom, they looked like walking bushes. Jennifer stepped back. “Where the hell did you get the bush suit?”
“Hunting. It’s a 3-D, scent-proof suit,” Ian said as Lance pulled up a face net and put on camouflage sunglasses. “When you hunt turkey with a bow, you better be hidden.”
Jennifer walked over and pulled Lance down, looking at the lens of his sunglasses. The camo pattern was filled with tiny holes so he could see. “They sell camouflaged lens sunglasses?” she almost cried out.
“Duh,” Lance said, putting on his gloves. “We didn’t make them.”
Shaking her head to stop a torrent of comebacks, Jennifer took a deep breath. “Please be careful, and hurry back.”
“We will,” Ian said, putting on his glasses. “Remember to keep your replies on the radio one or two words—no more.”
She looked down at their feet and noticed heavy lace-up boots that came all the way up to their knees. “What the hell kind of boots are those?”
“Scent-controlled, snake-proof boots,” Lance said, heading for the door with Ian behind him.
She could tell by the way they were strutting and not walking they had huge chips on their shoulders. When they opened the door, Dino trotted out with them. “Carrie, head down to master control, and Allie, hold the door open while I open the gate for them,” Jennifer said, wondering if this was a good idea with both of them feeling belligerent.
Opening the front door, Jennifer ran to the gate in the early morning light and unlocked it then waited until she saw the buggy coming to open it. She had to admit the buggy did look like a bush on wheels as it passed by with a small trailer. After locking the gate, she ran to the house with Allie holding the door open.
When the door closed, they headed down to the basement. “When they start acting like this, it lasts for a few days,” Allie said as
they went downstairs.
“I know. Remember, I lived beside you. I’ve never seen them act it out so…weird,” Jennifer chuckled.
“Momma told them the last time she was taking their man cards away, and they showed her the rules that she couldn’t.”
Jennifer stopped and shook her head, confused. “What?”
“Their man cards from the Man Club,” Allie said with a smile. “They have cards and a big, shiny paper that says they are in the Man Club.”
Closing her eyes, Jennifer sighed. “Allie, please tell me you’re just making fun of them.”
“Uh-uh,” she said, shaking her head. “Jason has one, and Uncle Doug has one, and last Father’s Day, Ian got one for our dad and Lance got one for his dad.”
“That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard,” Jennifer huffed and headed to the bunker.
“Momma said the same thing,” Allie said, shaking her head as she trotted along with her.
Ian drove up to the ridge that ran behind the cabin and headed east, following the ridge. Lance kept his M4 aimed out the side, looking around with Dino trotting along beside them. “Lance, you have got to start telling Allie no,” Ian said in a low voice barely heard over the electric buggy.
“Ian, I tried, but she’s a little girl and breaks out those puppy dog eyes, making me feel like I just stomped a kitten to death.”
“I’m just saying,” Ian said as Dino stopped, and Ian took his foot off the pedal, letting the buggy stop.
“I don’t smell shit,” Lance whispered.
“Dude, we have other shit out here to worry about besides stinkers. Stinkers weren’t on motorcycles trying to kill us.”
Looking around more carefully, Lance mumbled, “Valid point,” as a deer bounced in front of them and continued over the ridge. “We are going deer hunting soon.”
“I’m for it,” Ian said, pressing the pedal and weaving the buggy through the trees with Dino moving beside them again. “Want to check the site we dumped those bodies from the valley?”
“Yeah, we’ll be right above it, so might as well.”
“Just how did Allie get you to braid her hair?”
Letting out a big sigh, Lance said, “She and Carrie woke me up.”
“Shit, I would’ve started yelling,” Ian chuckled. “I could care less if she cries. It doesn’t last for long.”
“Yeah, I should’ve,” Lance mumbled. They rode in silence for half an hour, and Ian let off the pedal, and they looked down into the valley below. “Pull up some. I can’t see,” Lance whispered.
Glancing out Lance’s side through the netting, Ian kept moving until he got to a break in the trees that let them look down into the valley where they pulled the bodies. “It seems our theory is right,” he said, seeing figures standing around the pile of bodies.
Reaching in the back, Lance pulled out binoculars and looked down into the valley. A quarter of a mile and six hundred feet below them, he saw ten figures standing around the pile of bodies. Scanning around, he saw two figures walking away and three walking toward it. “Some are leaving, but some are coming.”
“Are those at the turn down the road coming or going?” Ian asked, looking several miles further down the valley.
Moving his field of view down the valley, Lance jumped. “Shit,” he mumbled. “They’re leaving,” he sighed.
“How many is it? It looks like a lot.”
“Can’t really tell, but I’m guessing like thirty,” Lance said, lowering the binoculars. “You realize they are almost at Donald’s.”
“We are coming down that draw behind his house, not the road,” Ian said. “They should be past it by the time we get there. We still have half a mile before the ridge turns down the valley and another two miles to Donald’s.”
“Dog, I’m just sayin’,” Lance said, putting the binoculars up. “We don’t know if another group is in front of them coming or going.”
“We have bullets; we can subtract,” Ian said, pressing the pedal to ease through the trees.
“Fuck that with a limp noodle. I’m dividing on their asses.”
As Ian picked his way through the trees, he glanced over at Lance. “So you had to talk Jennifer into showing you how to braid hair for the ladybug?”
“Yeah, like I’ve ever done that.”
Chuckling as he weaved around a deep hole, Ian said, “I heard you two this morning, and I thought you were shagging her.”
Slowly, Lance turned to Ian and pulled his sunglasses to the end of his nose, looking over them at Ian. “Brah, I know she’s your woman. I’d chop my dick off before I made a move on her. Bros before hos.”
“She’s not mine. Hell, she’s not even my girlfriend,” Ian said.
Pushing his glasses back up, Lance turned and looked around. “You think and dream she is, so that’s all that matters to me. I do see her as a friend though.”
“I know,” Ian grinned. “Maybe one day, I’ll get the nerve up to ask her to be my girlfriend.”
They rode through the woods at a fast walk, looking around. “Be kind of weird living in the same house as your girlfriend,” Lance said.
“I’d move out to the shop if she wanted me to while we dated,” Ian grinned.
Shaking his head, Lance said, “Fuck that. We may have a fence, but it’s still spooky out here at night,” Lance said.
“What if she wants to date you?” Ian asked.
“She’s yours as far as I’m concerned and nothing but a friend, and I hope you don’t mind that.”
“No, she is a good friend,” Ian said, glancing at Lance. “If she wanted to go steady with you, I would understand, you know.”
“I wouldn’t,” Lance huffed as Ian stopped where the ridge turned.
Grabbing his squawk box, Ian pressed the transmit button. “Making turn, company at the pile,” he called out.
“Copy,” Jennifer said.
Ian looked at Lance, grinning. “Live the motto.”
“Live the code,” Lance said, bumping fists with Ian.
As Ian pressed the pedal, in unison, they said, “When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
“Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
“A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—grill, car, firstborn child—within 12-hour notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
“On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
“If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. You didn’t see anything!
“Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours, your friend’s actions have caused you to think, ‘what this guy needs is a good ass whippin,’ in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
“If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. For all other situations, an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine, and minimal eye contact at all times.
“Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off,” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on, it is okay that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
“Any dispute lasting any longer than three minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
“A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil—blood relations are included. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed
or anything that can be perceived as a mattress regardless of size unless more than three women are involved.
“If you say ouch, you are a pussy!” they said a little louder, grinning at each other and holding up their fists.
“Bros befo’ hos,” they said, bumping fists and laughing.
At master control, Jennifer dropped the microphone as Ian’s 3-D scent jacket held the button down, letting her hear the code and motto. Beside her, Allie and Carrie recited it along with them. “What the fuck was that?” Jennifer cried and realized the girls recited it. “You’ve heard that before?”
Grinning, Carrie said, “They say it all the time.”
“Holy shit,” Jennifer said as the radio transmission from Ian shut off. “I used to think they were so smart. Now, I think they’re dumb asses.”
It was an hour later when Ian stopped at the head of the draw at the ridge. Below them were a house, mobile home, barn, and several vehicles parked around the property. Lance pulled out the binoculars, looking down at the area. “How far away are we, you think?”
“Five, six hundred yards,” Ian said, looking down the roads and seeing the pack of stinkers that had left were almost out of sight. Nothing else was coming.
“I don’t see anything around the house or barn, but the doors are busted off the house,” Lance said and lowered the binoculars. “I’m thinking we ease down where the draw ends and ease up to the area on foot to make sure it’s clear.”
“Sounds good, but why not just haul ass to the chicken coop, grab the bastards, and haul ass back?”
“I really would hate to find out the house, mobile home, and barn are full of the fuckers and they cut us off,” Lance said, putting the binoculars up.
Groaning, Ian gripped the steering wheel. “You just had to say it.”
“Yeah, if they are, just turn around, and head back up here. They can’t go fast enough uphill, so we can lose them.”
Ian eased between the smaller trees as he went down the draw, soon losing sight of the farm. When he stopped at the bottom, they pushed the netting back and slowly got out. They checked each other then their weapons. Satisfied, they looked at Dino, who was looking at the farm ahead. “He’s not growling,” Ian said.
Forsaken World:Coming of Age Page 5