by Ally Vance
‘It’s all your fault.’ Darryn’s words cut deep into the heart of me and gouged out what was left. Every night they haunt me in my nightmares, and every night I wake up crying, the horror of my dreams jolting me into wakefulness. I’m surrounded by my friends and family once again, yet I still feel the crushing weight of loneliness in my soul.
It’s at times like this I miss Yager the most, and I wish he were here. Out of all the people at the Carnaval des Ténèbres, he’d be the most likely to understand exactly how I don’t feel right now. No one here realizes how deeply I’m spiralling. It’s like I’m a missing piece of the puzzle, yet I no longer fit in where I’m supposed to. Everything is unbalanced.
It’s strange being up on stage without Darryn in the wings, raising me up and helping me to fly. It fell to me to ensure all of the straps and ropes were secured correctly, and I’ve asked Yager if he'd assist me with my performance. Thankfully, he’s agreed. He seems somewhat distracted, which is unlike him, but I’m not too concerned, because out of all of us here, he’s the hardest to understand at times. I think maybe that’s why I’ve always connected with him so well. He’s never asked me any of the invariably uncomfortable and awkward questions about my wings that I loathe answering.
I mentally run through all of the choreography for my performance. I’ve chosen the dark makeup tonight, opting for blacks and deep blues, mixed with silver instead of the usual reds and blacks. Finally ready, I make my way to the stage where Yager is waiting patiently for me. I show him how the harness needs to be fitted and quickly run through how I need him to maneuver the ropes, before getting ready to take my place in the center of the stage. My name is announced by Ezra with his usual dramatic flair, and I begin.
I dance through the air, twisting, turning, feeling the pull of the harness around my waist and the pressure against my wings. The music, soft and melodic, surrounds me as I gracefully move in time with the rhythm. I twist sharply in a new direction. This performance is different from the others, harsher, more painful, and more brutally honest. The song is me, and I’m alive with the music, even as my heart shrivels and dies within my chest. My toes are stretched out into points with my legs and arms held in place, never bending, exactly as I was taught.
The ropes tangles, but I continue heedlessly, chasing the end of the tune with my movements. My soul is knotted, just like the ropes holding me aloft. My body is aching, violently protesting my contortions, and my wings are failing me after all this time. But I don’t care, because I feel freer now than I ever have since they were bestowed upon me. The skin is tearing as the ropes tug painfully tight around them, but it’s not Yager’s fault; he’s directing me as I asked him to, and it’s not Darryn’s fault for not being here to stop me, it’s mine for sabotaging my own performance. It’s time I paid penance for the pain and injury I’ve caused, and the agony I have created for those who surround me. I vaguely hear Yager shout out my name when he realizes what I’ve done, but I’m too far gone to stop, and he’s too late to save me, just like I was too late to save him.
One last move, and I shall whirl to my own demise. I smile as the tears fall, smearing the makeup over my face. I relish the feeling of living one more time, even as the straps tighten increasingly around the wings, digging harshly into the false appendages, exactly as I intended them to. My arms are outstretched, my legs held straight as arrows, and I’m suspended in the air. I’m sure I resemble a grotesque cherub at this point.
One last spin, and as the music reaches its crescendo, a sickening crack rends the air when my bones snap and my ribs splinter, puncturing my lungs. I let out a gurgling wail as my lungs start to fill with blood, drowning me with my own life force. The wings finally give way, buckling under my weight as the ropes binding them are ripped from my body, and I drop to the stage with a thud.
The remainder of my bones break from the force of my landing, and the shards of shattered ribs dig deeper into my body, piercing me like the screams of horror emanating from the surrounding crowd, and my family watching from the sidelines.
“It’s all your fault,” the crowd catcalls, and their accusation echoes in my ears.
As the music draws to a close, the sounds of my family’s cries of anguish bid me farewell and goodbye as the life slowly ebbs from me. My body is broken beyond repair, just like my soul, and there’s nothing left of me to salvage.
I wake up screaming in a cold sweat, shivering violently, and descend into racking sobs. It all felt so real...the pain, and Yager still being alive. My heart is cracked and bleeding, and the emptiness his loss has torn through it will never be repaired. I’m falling apart and there’s nothing that can be done to stop it. Camden Waugh destroyed every last shred of me he could reach, and then Indigo dealt me the final heart shattering blow.
Even though I paid my creator back in kind, and Indigo has also gone, I can’t move past what I’ve done and what I’ve lost. All I can see is Yager bleeding out on that wheel, and Camden’s red handprint on my wrist, staining my skin with the blood I spilled. No matter what I do, I can’t wash away the nightmares that continue to haunt me. I can’t take this anymore.
I should have fought harder when he came for me, but most of all, I should never have settled here. I made not only myself vulnerable to his whims, but also the family I love who surround me. If I hadn’t come here, he would never have bothered with this place, and Yager, Darryn, and everyone else here would have been better off; they’d have been safe. I’m the one who brought the madman into our midst, and I’m the reason Darryn is still laid up in that hospital, hurt and mutilated beyond repair.
I’ve felt Darryn’s absence every time I’ve gone up on stage since my return, performing my old routine in a vague attempt to rediscover myself. Last I heard there was another complication and infection, further delaying his release, but I didn’t ask for more details. It’s already hard enough to live with all that’s happened.
I may not have wielded the surgical blade that cut into him, but I was the motive behind the monster that did. I can’t live like this, I can’t carry on, knowing what I’m responsible for. I’m tired…so damned exhausted from carrying the physical weight of Dr. Waugh’s insanity on my shoulders wherever I go. I want it to end. I need this to be over.
For eleven long years I’ve borne the nightmares and the daily agony of the wings on my small frame, and I simply can’t bear them any longer. I don’t have the strength to carry them, and while my family here have helped me cope with them for a while, the loss of Dr. Waugh has hit me harder than I ever anticipated it would, and his parting barbs have burrowed so deep, they can never be removed.
Lying on my back for the first time in years, I breathe through the pain it causes as the skin is stretched taut from the pressure of the wings being flattened by my small frame. It wasn’t until we arrived back home that I realized I was still clutching the scalpel I used to end Dr. Waugh’s life. I take it out from the box under my bed where I’d hidden it, admiring how the sharp surgical steel shimmers in the light, and the dark red stains still clinging to the blade.
Taking a deep breath, I hold it aloft, and as the tears start to flow I exhale slowly and brace myself for what I'm about to do. For too long my fate has been out of my hands and my life in the control of others, it's time I took back control. I dig the blade into my wrist, hissing through the sting as it sinks into my skin. In a single swift and agonizing motion I bring the scalpel up my arm, splitting the vessels and severing the nerves. I've been saved before, once, twice, three times, but no one can save me now. Not this time.
This was the story of my life and how I came to be an attraction in the Carnaval des Ténèbres.
I may have been born a freak, but I wasn’t always the aberration I am today. Monsters are made, and even now, I struggle to comprehend why my master constructed me this way. The pain I endure each and every day is incomprehensible. However, I’ve been told there’s no way to undo the despicable and agonizing procedure I went through t
o become this…this thing.
They were wrong. Monsters are made, and they can be destroyed.
Epilogue
Darryn
Dr. Torres discharged me today, and I finally get to go home to my family. My arm is still wrapped in bandages, but he deemed it healed enough for me to leave the hospital. I could hardly wait to sign the discharge papers and leave. In the small backpack containing a change of clothes, my pain meds rattle obnoxiously as I walk out of the cold, sterile building and into the sunlight.
Maia didn't come back to visit me after our disastrous last encounter. I'm not over what happened, and I probably never will be, but I'd hoped she would have realized I wasn't being serious when I said that I blamed her. I didn't mean those brutal words then, and I never will.
The streets are quiet, and a car is waiting for me, idling at the curb. I climb awkwardly into the vehicle and put the seatbelt on. It takes me a couple of tries to fix it, being unused to doing things one-handed. I'm just glad Dr. Waugh didn't destroy my dominant hand, otherwise this would be even worse than it is already. I'm surprised to see Wren at the wheel, considering he rarely drives in public, and I open my mouth to ask him about it, but he cuts me off before I can.
“I'm doing this for Maia,” he says shortly, falling silent immediately after.
Maia. I look out of the window, and smile upon hearing her name. It's only a short journey to where the Carnaval des Ténèbres are still camped, and I'm eager to get back and see everyone. Ezra told me about Yager when he last visited, and my heart broke for her. I know they were incredibly close, so I imagine she’s probably devastated and grieving his loss.
When we arrive, Wren pulls up alongside the other cars that we share, and switches off the engine. I fumble with the seatbelt and when it finally releases I get out of the car.
"Everyone is in the Big Top. Ezra called a meeting," Wren tells me, and I nod my head in understanding.
We walk toward the huge tent that houses the show we put on, and walk through the open canvas doors. Voices chatter over one another, welcoming me back, but there's an unusual edge to them and I notice the sombre mood hanging over the entire troupe. Frowning, I turn to look for Maia, but I don't see her…maybe she's running late. I turn to Ezra who appears as serious and imposing as ever.
"Where's Maia?" I ask, looking around at all of the members of my family.
It's Wren who speaks up, still standing in the doorway. I realize he never followed me in, and suddenly, I’m not so sure his silence during our car journey was due to his discomfort about driving in public.
"She's not here," he says slowly, and it’s then that I notice the redness of his eyes.
"Where is she? Is Maia okay?" I ask, but he doesn't answer my questions, just shakes his head.
I turn to face the others and dread starts to settle in the pit of my stomach. My arm is beginning to throb, but all I care about is finding out where Maia is.
"She's gone, Darryn," Ezra says, holding out a piece of paper toward me, and I see words written in Maia's sloping cursive.
I move forward, and snatching it out of his hand, I storm from the tent to read it. As I devour the writing on the page with my eyes, I feel myself fucking breaking. I don't want to believe what I'm reading right now, but the words are there, stark black on the white page.
To My Dear Family,
I know you’ll be disappointed in me when you read these words, and I just want to apologize for causing you any more pain. I’ve been through a lot over the years, but the ones I’ve spent with you have been the happiest.
I never meant to get Darryn caught up in my mess, and I hate that I’m the reason he’s in the hospital right now. I don’t want to hurt any of you, but I’m tired, so damn tired of living this way.
I want to thank you for being here for me, for being my family when I had none, for taking me in, and for giving me a chance. Thank you for seeing the real me beyond the wings and the freak of nature I was created to be.
You all mean the world to me, and I love every single one of you, but since I’ve been back, nothing has been the same for me. Darryn was hurt because of me, and then losing Yager is beyond anything I could bear. I can’t mend the cracks or seal the fresh wounds in my heart, and I can feel myself slipping away each day.
I’ve tried to survive, I’ve tried so hard to keep going, but I can’t move beyond the memories, and the nightmares that haunt me every single day. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.
Goodbye, and all my love,
Maia
No.
She can't do this to me.
She's fucking gone, and she isn't coming back.
I sink to my knees, and reread her words, hoping they'll change, but they don't. Her final goodbye is written on the page, and the last words she ever heard from me was me laying the blame on her shoulders.
"I didn't mean what I said, Maia. I fucking need you. Why did you have to leave me like this?" I shout, screaming out my pain while my family stands behind me.
Arms wrap around my shoulders, helping me to my feet and I lean against them, letting them hold me, letting them lift me up and give me strength when all I want to do is break. All of us loved her exactly as she was, but she could never see it. No matter what I did or said before, all that she registered was my anger when I lashed out during my lowest moment.
I'm never going to see her again, and I now have to live with the knowledge that in her final moments Maia thought I blamed her for it all.
THE END
Acknowledgments
To Yolanda Olson thank you for inviting me to be a part of this incredible series and world that you dreamed up five years ago. Here’s to the Five Year Fester! It’s come to life at last, and it’s been fucking fantastic to be here with you for it.
#YagerAndMaia
Thank you to Burning Youth who brought my little fairy girl to life. I’m in awe.
To follow Burning Youth and view more incredible artwork by this artist visit https://www.instagram.com/bvrningyth
To all of the alphas and betas who read this and hated me just a little bit by time you’d finished. I’m still not sorry, and no I do not promise to never do that to you again. Thank you for all of your help and valuable feedback. Are any of you talking to me yet?
Renee, Karen, Ashley, Megan, Michelle, Dawn, Linda, Lis, Bridgett, Faith, & Jason.
To my ever patient and fabulous editor, Sheena. What would I do without you to slap these stories of mine into shape? Thank you for all that you do.
To all of you amazing readers, who follow me on my journeys into all these amazing worlds. I couldn’t do this without all of your support and love. Keep reading, keep stalking, I’ve got plenty more words coming your way.
About the Author
ABOUT ALLY VANCE
Ally is an International Bestselling Author who writes in the Dark Romance & Horror genres. Ally has been writing since she was a teenager, and studied Professional Writing at University. It has been a long time dream of hers to finally become a published author. She finally achieved this in 2018 with her Bestselling debut book, Flower in the Dark. Ally also co-writes with her close friend Michelle under the pen name Ally Michelle. Ally lives in Kent, in the United Kingdom with her husband and stepson.
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Other Books By Ally Vance
Flower in the Dark
Just Breathe Anthology*
Love is Strange Anthology*
Evelina: Blaire’s World
Fractured Darkness
B
ecause He's Perfect Anthology*
Delinquent: Cavalieri Della Morte
Ignite
Thou Shall Not: A Dark Ten Commandments Anthology*
Kiss Me, Kill Me Anthology*
A Family Affair: An Extreme Taboo Anthology*
Something Wicked Anthology*
The Emporium of Fear: A Halloween Anthology*
Perfect Denial (Stonewood Saga #1)
Men Of Valor Anthology*
Sucker Punch Collection (Newsletter Exclusive)*
Bad Habits: A Dark Anthology*
Indolence
Scream Queens: A Horror Anthology**
Flagrant: An Inferno World Novel
*Denotes as Out of Print
**Anthologies are Limited Time Releases
COMING SOON FROM ALLY VANCE
The Society Anthology**
Another Family Affair: An Extreme Taboo Anthology**
Girls Night Anthology**
Hellfire (Stonewood Saga #2)
Cracks (A Dark MM Story)
Burned By Desire Duet
Books By Ally Michelle
Hatter & His Alice (Naughty Ever Afters #1)
In Plain Sight