by B. K. Leigh
I rattle off my address and watch as he turns the car this way and that until we arrive in the gravel driveway. A lone figure sits on the steps leading into my front door, and my heart jumps as I realize it’s Cohen.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Matthews.” I turn towards him as I speak. “That’s not a problem.” He almost looks stricken at my words, but before I put too much thought into it I climb out of the car and leave him behind. His headlights still illuminate me as I walk towards Cohen, and even though I know he’s still there, waiting, watching, I thrust myself into my best friends arms anyway.
“Where the fuck have you been? Who is that?” He asks all in the same breath.
“Where was I? Where were you?” I accuse. The headlights dim as the car backs out of the driveway and an ounce of sadness creeps through my bones.
“You know where I was.” His lips kiss my neck and I push him away playfully.
“Ew, Cohen. Don’t touch me with those lips!” I laugh as he stumbles backwards with a wide smile on his face.
“What? It’s not like we did… that.” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down. I pretend to gag and make a show of throwing up.
“You’re so gross, Co!” I squeal as he grabs me by the hips and tries to place wet sloppy kisses all over my face.
“You like it, Tate.” He laughs as I struggle to keep his lips from touching me. “Come here, Tatum. Give me a goodnight kiss!” He jokes.
“You’re going to make me throw up with those lips!” I threaten.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He backs away, all the playfulness vanishing within seconds. “Come on, Tate. Lets go to bed.” He grabs my hand and pulls me inside behind him. It doesn't take long before we find our usual spots on my bed and drift off into a deep sleep. I count his labored breaths for a few minutes before my eyes follow quickly behind his and I’m gone from the entire world.
Chapter 9
Tatum
Today’s a bad day.
Today’s a very, very, bad day.
October 12th.
It’s my mothers birthday, and her loss serves as a stark reminder to that. I couldn’t sleep at all last night, not even Cohen could comfort me back to sleep. Nightmares practically forced me to stay awake. At least if I could stay awake the memories wouldn’t assault me any longer. But they do. It’s inevitable.
Her blond hair blows in the wind as she runs towards me, a wide smile spread across her beautiful pale face. We’re in a field of wild daisy’s. Her favorite place in the entire world. She comes and scoops me up, twirling me around and around. Her laugh is contagious as giggles begin to erupt from my belly and spill out of me. We dance, spin, and pick flowers all the way until it’s time for dinner. I don’t want to leave here. I just want to stay and play with her, but she says it’s time to go. She says that we’ll come back again someday. But we never do. The images of our last trip manage to squeeze all of the air out of my lungs like a vice grip.
“You look like shit, Tate.” Cohen compliments the moment I meet him in the kitchen.
“Thanks, Co. I can always count on you to boost my ego.”
“No, I mean it. Are you feeling okay? You need to stay home?”
“The last thing she needs is to repeat the twelfth grade with a baby on her hip. She’s going to school.” Grams butts in next.
“I know, Grams. I’m not trying to stay home.” I roll my eyes, and grab the jug of orange juice from the refrigerator.
“Seriously, Tate.” Cohen grabs my arm as I pass by him. “You alright? Is Bean alright?” He asks me with concern swimming in his dark eyes.
“Bean’s fine, Cohen.” I lay my hand along his jawline. “Seriously, Cohen. We’re fine, just a sad day is all.” His eyes brighten with anguish as he realizes just what day today is.
“Shit! I’m sorry, Tate. I completely forgot.” He apologizes.
“It’s not your fault. Today was inevitable.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Doesn’t mean it’s not shit.” He comments.
“You guys seriously need to get a room.” Grams says while watching us. Okay, so we’re a little touchy, but that’s just how we are. The feelings we have for one another don’t go further than friendship. Completely platonic.
Soulmates.
“We’re just friends, Grams.” We both manage to say in unison.
“Yeah, could’ve fooled me.” she says as she lazily points to my stomach. Great, all I need on a day like today is her to make me feel worse.
“Don’t worry about it, Tate.” Cohen wraps an arm around me as we head out the door. “You’ll get through today, you’re the strongest person I know.” He whispers the last part into my hair and then lays a soft kiss against my temple.
∞∞∞
I couldn’t go to lunch. I couldn’t stand the sight of all the smiling faces. Couldn’t stand the sight of all the students buzzing around with excitement and happiness, while I was slowly dying inside.
I’ve been wondering down these empty hallways for what seems like forever. I pass by row after row of lockers stuffed with everything from homework, to love notes, to personal items. You can stuff whatever you want in them. Fill them up to the brim with meaningless items until you can’t pack anything else in. But none of it matters, none of it ever matters in the end. The heaviness in my chest only seems to intensify as I try to block out my mothers memory with meaningless thoughts.
CoCo: You good?
I look down at my phone only now realizing Cohen texted me at the start of the lunch period.
Tatum: I’m good, Bean’s good, we’re good.
I smile at the mention of Bean. Cohen thought he should be the first to name it. Whatever it is in there. He came up with Bean, and it’s stuck ever since. I round the corner of the hallway and almost land on my ass as I slam directly into someone.
“Fuck!” I say as strong arms come out and grab onto me, stopping me from falling directly onto the floor.
“Christ, are you okay?” I look up at the exact moment his mouth opens. For some reason I knew it was him. It’s as if my body is drawn to his, always finding its way back to him.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention.” I apologize before he can say anything else. But it’s true, I wasn’t. I’ve been distracted the entire day, not even knowing who I am or where I’m going. My eyes travel up his torso until they land on his face. It’s as if I’m staring into the Caribbean ocean on a bright and sunny day. He’s one of those souls who leave everything on display if you look close enough. Immediately I can see him run through all the motions. His eyes are definitely the window to his soul.
“Tatum-” He pulls me into an alcove, out of sight from anyone else. “Christ, whats wrong?” His eyes bore into mine and for a second I feel myself begin to crack.
“Nothing.” I shake my head back and forth. “I’m good.” I say while building a dam for the tears that are threatening to spill down my cheeks. All of the days worth of problems seem to come at me at once. The air around me grows heavy with pain and sorrow, I nearly burst from the inside out.
“What the hell? Are you crying?” He gets out next just as I break completely. I feel his arms wrap around me, cocooning me a blanket of warmth and comfort.
“It’s nothing.” I say while gripping his blue button down between my fingers, soaking the soft material with my tears completely. “I-I’m fine.” I stutter out.
“You’re falling apart.” He whispers into my hair. His arms hold me tighter as if they have the ability to hold my broken pieces together. In this moment it’s just him and I. In this moment it’s how I wanted it to be. If I were to ever be in this situation, with Bean included I know this is how it should be. But he’ll never know about Bean. And that pain just adds to the rest. I’m a complete mess. A different kind of creature in this moment, and I don’t even know how he can console me like he is.
“You’re holding me together.” I mumble, hoping like hell he can’t actually understand me.
“What happened
today, Tatum?” He pulls back, searching my eyes for the answers I don’t want to tell him. I’m still holding onto his shirt, a big wet stain with hints of mascara mark the front of it.
“I ruined your shirt.” I point to the mess.
“I don’t care about my damn shirt, you want to tell me why you’re practically breaking down in the middle of the school hallway?” I wipe away at the traitorous tears still leaking from my eyes.
“Today just sucks.” I tell him quietly. I tear my eyes from his and manage to finally look away, knowing that if I look back I might break down once again.
“Is that all?” He questions. He’s not trying to be nosy, he’s just trying to be helpful. As much as it pains me inside, I also know it’s just the teacher inside him worrying about his student. Nothing more, nothing less.
“No.” I tell him honestly. He waits for me to elaborate and for some reason I do. “Today’s one of the worst days of my life.” I admit. “And even though I know that, it doesn’t help the fact that there will be two more just like it to follow. On top of all of that everything is falling apart! I don’t know how I’m going to do any of this on my own!” I shake my head as the flood of information comes out of me.
“What can I do to help you?” He asks me with deep sincerity in his masculine voice.
“No one can help me now.” I tell him with sadness in my words. “It’s too late.” I know I’m not making sense, none of this makes sense. But I can’t even make any sense of anything myself. The only thing I want to do right now is go home and lay in my bed. I need sleep. I need to shut my mind off for a few hours to catch up with a days worth of pain.
“Don’t say that.” He tells me as his arms pull me against him again. With all the strength in the world I push against his chest and manage to take two steps backward.
“That’s easy for you to say.” I take another step backward. “You forgot.” With that I take my load of baggage and run back down the hallway the same way I came. I don’t stop until I’m outside the double doors of the school and the fresh air wraps itself around me. I don’t go to his class today. I don’t tell Cohen I skipped either. For the first time in a long time I just want to be completely alone. I don’t want to think about anything else. I just want to shut off for the day.
Chapter 10
Killian
Sitting in this classroom with her is torture. She’s so close, yet a world away. Her presence threatens to suffocate me every time she walks through that door. She doesn’t even notice it. Doesn’t notice the fact that she’s tearing me apart from the inside out.
The entire room is silent, except for the click, click, click, of her pencil. I know it’s her. My eyes zeroed in on it the moment it started. She’s been distracted. She’s here, but she’s not here. Her grade is dropping, not by much, but enough for me to notice. Enough for me to worry. They’re supposed to be taking a test, but I haven’t seen her bring her pen to the sheet of paper since class first begun. It’s an easy test. Anyone could get the answers right if they had just paid attention in the past two weeks. Causes of the Revolutionary War. All I asked for were key moments, key features, hell I’d give credit if she wrote down anything we’d talked about in class this week. But she’s checked out.
She’s been gone ever since that day in the hallway, mentally anyway. The same day some sort of wall dropped between us. I’ve never in my life seen anyone in such a vulnerable state. She looked like she was seconds away from falling apart. The least I could do was hold her together a little while longer. I don’t know what it is about her, but I can’t help but think about different ways to speak to her, to touch her. Day in and day out. That day in the hallway was my perfect excuse. At this point, I’m not even sure if it’s the fact that I fucked her like a wild animal in that club. It seems like it’s more than that. Like there's something inside of me that begs to be near her, and not in the most innocent of ways. I still see the way her eyes searched mine in that moment, as if they held all the answers to her problems. The pain that filled them is instilled in my mind, haunting me whenever I think about it.
It’s nearing the end of the month. Halloween is in just a couple of days, but I need her to understand this topic to be able to move on. She’s the only one who’s been struggling. But I don’t think it has to do with school, and more with what happened the other day. The bell ringing brings me back to the here and now.
“Alright class, please leave your tests on the desks and I’ll come around and collect them.” I start for the front row. “Everybody have a good weekend.” I pause before continuing. “Miss O’Neil, you have a minute?” I keep my eyes on her as she steps towards the door frame, stopping abruptly. The rest of the students file out in a rush, excited for the weekend. I gather up the last of my tests and head back to my large oak desk, taking a seat.
I study her as she still stands by the door frame. She’s wearing another one of those baggy sweatshirts. Something she must’ve borrowed from the Parker kid. Instant jealousy threatens to overtake me. She’s always with him. Wherever I manage to see her, he’s always close by. This is the only hour of the day I get her alone, but she’s always distracted. I find myself looking at her stomach, trying to see something I don’t even know is there. Maybe that was the cause of her distress.
I still remember the conversation I had with my brother. When I told him Tatum was pregnant. I wasn't even sure then, and I’m still not sure now. But I do know she’s hiding things from me. By the looks of her ever changing emotions, it must be something catastrophic.
“Tatum.” I say her name out loud and watch her jump slightly. “Come, sit.” I point to the desk closest to mine and wait for her to follow my order.
“Can this wait until Monday?” She asks impatiently checking her phone.
“It’ll be quick, I promise.” Her cheeks flush and it’s only then I realize just exactly how that sounded. “What is this?” I ask holding her blank test sheet up in front of her.
“My test.” She answers with an attitude.
“Why is it blank?” I ask her slowly this time. She shrugs. “Is something bothering you?” I ask her next.
“I’m fine.” She tells me. It seems as if that’s the only word she knows these days. Something must have happened after I dropped her off that night, she’s been indifferent ever since.
“Did you have a fight with Parker?” I question. She raises a brow in my direction.
“Why?” She retorts with a shake of her head. “You jealous, Mr. Matthews?” She spits my name out as if it tastes bad on her tongue. This is what I wanted. I wanted to see the fire in her from last time. The last time I had her in my classroom alone we were at each others throats. Not exactly how a teacher and student should be. Even that is better than how she’s been lately.
“I want to know where you’ve been during my class for the past couple weeks.” I lift an eyebrow at her. Her eyes never waver from mine.
“I’ve been here everyday.” She answers in an accusatory tone.
“No.” I almost snap. “I want to know where you’ve been. You can sit in this class day after day, but this,” I hold up her test. “Is unacceptable.” I don’t mean to sound angry, but sometimes it feels as if that’s the only way to communicate.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She stands as if she’s about to make a run for the door. I match her stance, my tall frame looming over her small one.
“Do it.” I tell her. Her eyebrows pinch together in confusion.
“Do what?”
“Run. I know you want to. It’s what every weak person does.” Her face morphs into an angry mess and I know I’ve struck a nerve.
“Like you did?” She sneers up at me. “Huh, Mr. Matthews?”
“As I recall, Tatum.” I lean towards her, to where I’m only inches away. “You’re the one who ran from me.” Her eyes shine with a fury I know she wants to release, but she can’t. Because I’m her teacher and she’s my student. No one can know about t
hat night, and I think that’s what’s eating her.
“I thought you forgot about it.” She says dryly.
“There’s nothing about that night I can forget.” I admit. Shame and guilt consume me, but I can’t bring myself to regret it as hard as I try.
“Then you’re a liar.” She accuses me.
“Tatum!” I call after her as she stomps angrily out of the class room. When I look down both sides of the hallway but she’s nowhere in sight.
Chapter 11
Tatum
CoCo: I couldn’t wait long, mama bear needs me home for something, sorry Tate.
Tatum: You really suck, you know that?
CoCo: I’ll be over later, anyway.
Tatum: Whatever.
After Killian kept me back after class I missed my ride with Cohen, and even managed to miss the bus. I find myself walking yet once again. Exercise is good. The walking is good. At least I keep telling myself. The cold though sucks. Cohen’s sweatshirts still can’t keep the chilly air from creeping up my spine. The Virginian fall is normally warm, but this year the temperatures been dropping more rapidly every week. My feet crunch against the fallen leaves. Slowly by slowly anger begins to build inside me. My veins burn through my body as my blood begins to boil.
Who the fuck does he think he is?
Why does he even bother?
Is he freaking insane?
All my thoughts go straight to him. Why did this have to happen to me? Out of all the men on the planet, why did I have to sleep with him? Why did he have to be my teacher?
“Get in, Tatum.” My head snaps up in the direction of his voice. I’m so lost inside my own head I didn’t even hear the sound of his engine idling beside me.
“I can walk, Mr. Matthews.” I say. I hate that name. I wish there was a place where we could be just Killian and Tatum… and my little Bean.