by B. K. Leigh
“I was yours the minute I saw you in that club.” I admit to him. I remember the connection I had to him then, it’s just as strong as it is now. “You owned me the minute I walked into that club, and I fucking loved you the second I saw you with your family at Thanksgiving, hell probably even before that.” I tell him honestly. “I don’t want to keep doing this with you.” I shake my head back and forth. “You can’t be only half in. It’s either all or nothing, because if I have to live through this back and forth for one more day I swear I might strangle you.” I let out a choked laugh. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling my body flush against his.
“I’m all in, Tatum.” He vows.
“What about school? What if someone see’s us?” What if he finds out about Bean?
“We’ll be careful.” He promises. “We can be ourselves when we’re here or at my house.” The thought of going to his house half scares and excites me all at once. “But at school I’m Mr. Matthews, and you’re just a student.” I don’t mean to, but I flinch at his words anyway. I wish we lived in a world where we didn’t have to hide. Where our love wasn’t considered wrong. Taboo.
“What happens when someone finds out?” I challenge.
“They wont.” He vows.
“How can you even say that?”
“I’ll be damned if I let someone ruin the only love I’ve ever known.” I kiss him first this time, and he lets me. I move my lips against his and for once he lets me take complete control. I lead and he follows, gladly at that. It’s not rushed. It’s not hurried. We take our time sealing our unspoken promises with this kiss. It speaks volumes. It speaks everything we did and didn't get to say. I don’t know how long we stay there kissing, rubbing, touching, but it must be an eternity later when he finally pulls away. My lips are numb, red, and swollen. My body feels like it’s in a deep haze of lust with the constant sexual tension humming through my veins.
“Will you just lay with me?” I ask him knowing he’s about to tell me he’s leaving. It’s a strange sense of deja vu knowing we’ve been here before in this exact predicament.
“Just until you fall asleep.” He agrees. I can tell there’s a war going on in his head. He looks torn between laying down and cuddling, and laying down and ripping my night shirt off. I crawl into bed and wait for him to shape himself around me. His body heat covers me like a warm blanket, encompassing me with comfort and safety. I feel protected with his arm draped over my belly. My belly that’s still too small to be noticeable. I doubt it will stay this small for much longer. Twenty weeks is a long time. I'm just about half way through this pregnancy. I can only be thankful enough it’s stayed a secret between Cohen and I for this long.
“Are you ever going to tell me about them?” I hear him whisper softly into my hair. I arch a brow I know he can’t even see. “Your parents?” He clarifies. I’m reminded of what had happened earlier in the day, before I decided to skip. I thought maybe since he hadn’t already asked that he had forgotten about it, not my luck though.
“Maybe someday.” I let out a long sigh as my mothers smiling face appears behind my closed eyelids. “Maybe not ever.” I add in seriously.
“I’ll be here for whatever you decide.” I hear him say just before his breathing evens out and long hot breaths flutter against the back of my neck. Killian always catches me off guard. One minute he’s fire, the next he’s ice with a whole bunch of gray area in between. He’s either raging mad, super sexual, or deep and therapeutic all mixed in one. It’s something I’m still trying to wrap my head around. I’m not used to people like Killian. I’m definitely not used to men like him either.
Chapter 22
Tatum
“What do you wanna get?” Cohen asks from my side. It’s Friday, the day I’m supposed to find out little Bean’s gender, but I'm not sure I want to. As excited as we both are, I haven’t exactly told Cohen yet.
“I’m not sure.” I say while passing by a big glass display window. We skipped the rest of the school day to do a little retail therapy. Basically Cohen wanted to ditch and I tagged along. Since Christmas is right around the corner we decided to head to the Mall. I want to find something for Grams, and Killian. “I’ll know when I see it though.”
“Mhm.” Cohen agrees sarcastically. “You’ve been in almost every store so far and haven’t found anything.” He rolls his eyes.
“Can we take a break and get something to eat?” I ask him while pouting my lips.
“Sure, Bean needs to eat too you know.” He agrees while I elbow his side.
“What about me?” I whine.
“What about you?” He teases. “Come on, I know they have fried pickles somewhere.” He takes my hand and drags me to the food court. I swear I begin to salivate just thinking about them.
“Can we get hot sauce too?” I bat my eyelashes. “Pretty please.” I clasp my hands in front of me and smile like a brat about to get her way.
“That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard of, Tate. Fried pickles and hot sauce?” He shivers in disgust. “You need to get those cravings in check. Couldn’t you crave something normal like… chocolate?” He asks me seriously. I can’t help but laugh at the way his face turns pale at the mere mention of the unique cravings I’ve been having.
“I had chocolate ice-cream and pickles last night, does that count?” I counter shrugging my shoulders.
“Okay, Tatum. Let’s just not talk about what you’ve been eating. Next you’re gonna tell me you’ve been eating spam from the can.” He makes a gagging noise in the back of his throat.
“That actually sounds really good, with like Doritos or something?”
“Something’s seriously wrong with you.” He takes our order and I follow him over to an empty table.
“It’s Bean’s fault.” I put all the blame on her.
“I’m pretty sure you had something wrong with you before Bean.” He jokes.
“Obviously.” I roll my eyes and pop a flaming hot pickle in my mouth. The conversation flows for the rest of our pit stop. There’s never been an awkward or dull moment between us. It’s easy with him, and sometimes I wish it could just stay like this forever. I eat all the fried pickles my stomach can handle and then we’re back at it. Christmas shopping and killing time before my doctors appointment.
“Come in here with me!” I tug his hand into a small children's store. There’s everything you’d ever need for a child of any age. Things I haven’t even thought about getting. I have money from my parents in a savings account I haven’t even dreamed about touching, but seeing all of the thing’s I’m gonna need for Bean I might have to. I move toward the infant section filled with clothes, bottles, and stuffed animals. I don’t have anything yet. Nothing for Bean at all. Seeing it all makes me want to start stocking up. Every time I start to feel a tad bit excited about Bean an even bigger feeling of guilt begins to take over.
“Look how cute this is?” I hold up a small outfit to Cohen as he walks up beside me. There’s a small gray elephant with pink ears tucked under his arm. Looks like we’ve both been exploring in here.
“But that’s blue,” Cohen points out the obvious. “You don’t even know what you’re having yet.” He reminds me. “Besides, Bean’s a girl anyway.”
“I don’t think I want to know.” I tell him for the first time. “And how do you even know that?” I raise my eyebrows in suspicion.
“What, you don’t want to know?” He sounds completely surprised. “And I don’t know, I’ve just always pictured Bean as a little baby girl.” He shrugs his shoulders as if he didn’t completely just melt my heart.
“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.” I put a hand over my heart exaggerating. “I just don’t want to know what Bean is yet.” I shrug as if it doesn’t affect me. “I want it to be a surprise.”
“How am I supposed to know what to buy the kid?” Cohen asks annoyed. “Mom is gonna be pissed when I tell her.” He chuckles. “She’s been wanting to buy all things baby sinc
e you found out.” He adds. I feel bad for a moment, but ultimately it’s my own decision.
“I don’t know.” I put the small blue onesie back on the rack. “Get lots of yellow?” I suggest.
“I guess so, what do we got? Like five more months of waiting?”
“Something like that.” I don’t correct him. “You ready?” I turn my eyes to the small plush toy in his arm.
“Almost.” He walks over to the counter and pays for the small toy as I wait for him by the exit. “I get to be the first person to buy Bean a present.” He says with pride in his eyes.
“You’re gonna be the best uncle.” I wrap my arm around his waist. Now if only I could find a gift for Killian.
“I’m gonna be the best everything.” He states proudly. I smile at his words. Cohen is already my everything. I can only imagine what will happen once Bean comes. “You ready for your appointment?” He asks me changing the subject.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Not a chance.”
∞∞∞
Twenty weeks.
That’s how long it’s been. Twenty weeks growing another human being inside of me and I still don’t know how I feel about it. The ultrasound technician has been poking and prodding around my belly for the better part of an hour. She’s taking all the weights and measurements of Bean, making sure she’s growing at the right pace. I cry every time her heartbeat ignites around the silent stale room. Every single time I hear that tiny thumping sound it invades my heart and flows through my veins like the most unbelievable love I’ve ever felt. Every. Single. Time.
I’ve never seen Cohen more in tune to anything else before. He asks the tech all of the questions I don’t even think of. All the questions a first time father should be asking. But that’s just the thing, Cohen is throwing away his life to be Beans father when he should have never had to do so in the first place.
“What medications can she use now?” Cohen asks making a mental checklist of all the medicines the tech rattles off to him.
“Shouldn’t she be getting bigger?” He asks next with concern in his voice.
“Every woman's experience is different. Some women show almost right away, some women don’t show at all.” She shrugs her shoulders as if it’s the most normal thing. “Once Dr. Forbes comes in I’m sure she will answer any other questions you have.” The tech smiles just before leaving us completely alone. I blanch at the thought of seeing Dr. Forbes again. The last time we saw each other was on Thanksgiving. Although she’s answered most all of the questions I’ve called to ask her about since. Cohen and I wait in silence until there’s a knock on the door. I never know how to answer. Do I say come in? Do I open the door for her? So I stay in my place and wait for her to just walk right in.
“Tatum.” She calls my name with a smile on her face. “It’s great to see you again.” She’s in perfect doctor mode. I wouldn’t expect anything less.
“Dr. Forbes.” I nod my head at her.
“So are you ready to find out what you’re having?” She says with a smile from ear to ear.
“Actually I don’t want to know.” I can see the smile in her eyes dim as soon as the words leave my mouth. On an unprofessional level she is Bean’s aunt. I can see why that would upset her. But I haven’t even gotten the guts to tell Killian yet, and I’m not even sure if I ever will. I’m still leaning ninety nine percent towards the never side.
“Are you sure?” She questions me. “That’s a long time to wait for something like that.” She adds in.
“Yes I’m sure.” I say with a certain finality in my voice.
“Okay, then I guess it will be a great surprise in the end.” Her smile returns to her face. Her eyes travel to Cohen next and flicker back to me. “Does he know?” She asks me on a low whisper nodding her head towards Cohen. A part of me is mad at her for even bringing it up, but I know if I were in her position I would probably do the exact same.
“Yes.” I tell her honestly. Her eyes grow wide at that revelation. “He was there, that night.” I clarify.
“Have you thought more about it?” My eyes travel over her shoulder to Cohen who now has all of his attention on our very private conversation. I knew he wasn’t on his phone.
“I’m not telling him.” I tell her shamefully. “He can’t know.”
“He needs to know.” She says making me feel even more guilty. “He deserves to know.” I can see the way Cohen’s eyes burn with unsaid anger as he listens to the doctor speak.
“We can get in trouble! He can get in trouble! What if he loses his teaching license? It’s better off if no one ever knows. For his sake and for mine.” The rest of the appointment goes by painstakingly slow as the awkward tension threatens to suffocate all three of us.
“You gonna tell me what the hell that was about?” Cohen is seething, and assaults me with questions the minute we get outside of the large brick building.
“Not really.” I admit to him.
“You’ve never kept any secrets from me before. What the hell, Tatum Phoenix?” I know he’s mad when he throws my middle name out there.
“Don’t middle name me, Cohen James!” I mock him.
“Who the hell is she? By the looks of it, she was way more than your doctor.” He spits out. I wait for his anger to die down as I prepare to drop the bomb.
“She’s Killian’s sister.” I breathe out heavily.
“What the fuck?” He stops dead in his tracks. “Are you serious?”
“I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“How the fuck does that even happen? Why does it seem like your life is just a long drawn out episode of Jerry Springer?” He asks with all the seriousness in the world.
“I don’t even know.” I say exhausted. I cover my face with my hands. “It just keeps getting worse and worse.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“When did you find out?” He questions next.
“Thanksgiving.”
“You knew about this on Thanksgiving? Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” His eyes bore into mine with nothing other than hurt.
“Yes.” I turn away from him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Cohen,” I sigh before continuing. “How much stuff can I dump on you before you break?”
I ask him seriously. “I’m going to need you, you know. Especially when Bean comes.” I laugh bitterly.
“That’s not for you to decide, Tatum. I’m your best friend.” He reminds me. “You can’t hide anything from me.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I break. I don’t ever keep anything from him, but I don’t want to over load him with Tatum drama.
“So what happens when she tells Killian?” He asks the exact question I’ve been thinking about ever since she found out.
“She promised me she wasn’t going to.” I repeat her words to him, but leave out the part where she told me I had to tell Killian myself.
“She’s his sister, Tate. How dumb can you be to believe that?”
“I don’t know, Cohen. Sometimes I just want to be able to believe someone when they make a promise.” I say in annoyance.
“I know, Tate. I hope she keeps it. If not, you’re screwed.” He reminds me.
“I’m screwed either way.” I agree.
“That you are, baby girl.” He huffs out a deep breath. “That you are.”
Chapter 23
Killian
The classroom is silent as I sit at my desk and wait for my students to finish their exams. It’s the last one before Christmas break, the one this entire semester is dependent on. I’m pretty confident in all of them. The entire classroom percentage has gone up since the previous exam.
As much as I try to focus all of my attention on that, my mind still can’t help but wonder over to the girl in the furthest row back. She’s trying to concentrate, and I use trying lightly considering I can feel her eyes rest on me every so often. There’s a magnetic pull that always has us gravitating towards each other, and it’s gettin
g harder and harder to control. My hands itch to be tangled in her long curly hair. My hips ache to be pressed against hers. My tongue begs to dance with hers, until I kiss my way down her entire body only stopping when I’m resting above the apex of her thighs. Her eyes catch mine as if she can read the dirty thoughts raging through my mind. A deep red blush overtakes her shoulders, neck, and cheeks. There’s a small smile curved up on her plump pink lips as she tears her eyes away from mine and forces them back on her test.
Killian: Pay attention, Miss O’Neil.
I press send on my phone before I think better of it. I wait for her to receive it, praying like hell she actually ignores it.
Tatum: Stop looking at me like that and I will.
My lip curves up in a smirk as I get all the confirmation I need. Tatum was watching me as much as I was her.
Killian: Like what?
I want to see her reply almost as badly as I want to strip her bare right here and now. Something about texting her in a room full of other students is exhilarating. The risk is well worth the reward. Besides, Tatum has me breaking all sorts of rules lately.
Tatum: Like you want to eat me…
There it is. My girl is perceptive. We haven’t gone that far yet. Unless you count that night in the club when I fucked her raw and ultimately took her virginity. But we’ve been more curious than anything. Exploring each others bodies mixed with some heavy petting sessions. But there’s still a sense of withholding from her when it comes to anything more. And I understand completely.