by B. K. Leigh
“Oh no, big bro. This one has your fault written all over it.” He doesn’t even try to sound sarcastic. He just sounds completely at odds.
This time one of the rocks completely splinters the front window. It cracks in almost every direction, stretching from side to side. My fingers twitch as they lay by my side.
“I hate you!” She screams this time. As badly as I want to go out there and help her, I know she needs this. She needs to get the anger out. Even if it’s freezing outside. Even if my house gets destroyed. The only thing waging a war in my head is the fact that she’s carrying my child. I don’t want her to get hurt. I don’t want the baby to get hurt, but I know she’ll be even more devastated if I go out there and try to stop her.
She looks so lost, and alone as she has an entire conversation with someone we all know is not even there. Everyone besides her. My house is older, and through the thin glass windows I can hear her conversation clear as day. I knew the minute I heard about Parker, Tatum was going to take it hard. I went to her house that morning. I spoke with her Grandmother and sister Haley, who by the way was not too fond of me at the time. Grams was concerned for her well being, but at that point in time Tatum had no idea what had happened.
The minute I had heard her bedroom door open I knew it was my time to leave. I made the decision to walk away from Tatum weeks before hand, and Parker’s words still resonated deep inside me. I’d love her from afar. I’d love her even when she didn’t think I would, could, or even do still. Which is why I’m currently letting her kick the shit out of my house. She needs to cry. She needs to break down. She needs to let it out. And I know Liam is right. It is my fault.
As you get older, you realize how much your choices can really create a snowball affect. If I had just stayed that day in the hospital maybe none of this would have happened. You begin to wonder if you really are the cause of another persons demise. What if’s fill you from top to bottom until they begin to eat you alive. Then one day the woman you love, the mother of your child, shows up at your house half broken and held together by a thread, hell bent and ready to burn it to the ground. And you let her. Because it’s what she needs.
“You should go out there.” Liam says quietly as we both watch Tatum fall onto the cold asphalt. I watch her body shake as she sobs. Her shoulders move up and down as her head falls into her tiny hands. Her belly is curled against her thighs. My throat feels like it’s closing, and my feet itch to move in her direction.
“You’d be doing both of them a favor by leaving.” Parker’s words come back to haunt me at this very moment.
“I should.” I agree. But instead of walking out the front door and scooping Tatum up off of the ground, I walk down the hall and up the stairs. I try my best to fall back asleep, but all I can hear is Tatum outside crying.
Alone.
Chapter 37
Tatum
The days are tiring and lonesome. I’ve watched more General Hospital and have eaten more potato chips in last week than I’d like to admit. I haven’t been back to school, and I don’t plan on ever going back. Principal Rosemeade has allowed me to finish the remainder of my classes online, even though this was not how I foresaw the remainder of my senior year going.
I’ve been trying to lay low after single-handedly destroying Killian’s house last week. I'm sure some of those rocks definitely left their mark on those pristine shutters. The only thing I was most thankful for was the fact that he wasn’t home. But even while knowing that, a tiny part of me wondered where he actually was. Was he with another girl? A new Girlfriend? Was he able to move on even when I couldn’t? These are the only thoughts that seem to take my mind off of Cohen. And with the way my heart cracks every time I think about him, the thoughts of Killian are more than welcome.
“You have to get out of the house sooner or later, Tatum. You can’t stay in your room forever.” Haley’s unwelcome voice cuts through the quiet kitchen. A yellow carnation twirls through my fingers as I lean with my back against the cold counter top. Haley’s words are mute as all I can manage to focus on is the flower in my hand. It’s the seventh one I’ve found, although a part of me thinks they’re being left around intentionally. Obviously. I chastise myself, remembering the note that was left with the first one. When I asked Grams about them she just shrugged it off altogether.
“Hello? Earth to Tatum?” My sisters says annoyed. When I finally look up to her I catch the tail end of an eye roll.
“I’m not.” I lie. She raises a brow in that ‘I don’t believe you’ look of hers. “Seriously,” I shrug. “I have a doctors appointment this morning anyway.”
“Going to the doctors doesn’t count.” She huffs as she wraps her delicate hands around the warm mug placed in front of her. “You can’t just sit around all day and sulk.” I try not to let my face show how offended I truly am. I never told her how to grieve when our parents died. There was no time limit for the pain. She should understand that. I don’t even give her the respect of answering. I take that as my cue to leave. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone these days.
“It’s only going to get worse.” I can hear her mumble as I turn my back to her and leave. Worse? How much worse could things possibly get?
Heading into my room I add the carnation to the cup with the rest. Something about them calms me. The colors hold a spark to them that make think there's still hope in this world. Even when they were viciously plucked from the earth, they still live. Vibrant as ever.
∞∞∞
“You look great, Tatum.” Bianca, Dr. Forbes tells me for the tenth time today. I think she’s trying to skirt around everything bad that has happened. I haven’t seen her since I took that fall in Gym class, back when Killian had the surprise of his life. In more ways than none. My belly is bigger, stretching out to reach my toes. It seems as if Bean won’t get squished while she’s in there. Every once in a while she’ll kick to let me know she’s still there. Especially when I talk to Cohen. She loves it. Loves to hear all the stories we share. If it were anyone else listening I’m sure they’d think I was crazy, they probably already do. It makes me sad she’ll never get the chance to have that father figure in her life, even if the father in question was only my best friend.
“It’s coming up fast.” Dr. Forbes sends me a small smile breaking me out of my stupor. “Six, seven weeks, and we might have a baby on our hands.” I wonder if she longs for the chance at being an auntie to a baby she’ll never get to know. I can never tell with the happy mask she keeps firmly in place. In some ways it keeps me at ease. In others it sends a pit of worry deep down in my soul.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to meet her.” I admit for the first time. Partly because I’m not ready to lose yet another part of myself, and partly because taking care of another human being scares the shit out of me.
“You will be,” She tries her best to encourage me. “It’s normal to be scared at first, but once you hold your child in your arms for the first time it will feel like everything is right in the world. It’s like a love you never saw coming, one that consumes your entire soul.” She speaks as if reminiscing from the heart. I want to believe her, but I know I can’t. My support system has quickly dwindled. I never planned to do this on my own. It was always Cohen and I. Even if a part of me hoped for Killian to stick around, I knew Cohen would always be there. Now the only one left out of the two could care less about my existence, and the only one who did care no longer is alive. I look up at Bianca and really soak her in. She looks like Killian. They have the same nose, and almond shaped eyes, but she has a softness in her that seems to be lacking in him. Maybe that’s why she chose this field of work. Maybe she’s one of those people who truly love working with the public. I got that vibe from the very beginning. She used to put me at ease, but nothing can help much these days.
I know I should have asked for a different doctor the minute I found out she was Killian’s sister, but something stopped me from doing so. She had the power to do
that also, maybe the same thing stopping me was the same thing stopping her. It was like a way for me to be close to Killian without actually being close to him. A part of me way deep down in the depths of my soul where no one’s ever seen or been, still longs for him. For the relationship I wish he’d get to have with Bean. I loved my dad growing up, he was my hero. A gentle and forgiving soul with a stern side that could knock the smile off of anyone's face. I respected him and loved him all at once. He was my best friend wrapped up in father form. He was all I needed until Cohen came around. That’s when things changed. That’s when I grew up, all the while still maintaining that relationship. It’s what I wish Bean could have, and knowing she’ll never get that pains me. Will she be angry when she’s older and finds out the truth? Will she ignore me? Call me a bad mom? I guess I won’t know until that time comes, but right now it’s still all I can think about. Anxiety has me twirling my bracelet around and around my wrist. I haven’t taken it off, and I don’t plan on ever doing so. This is the only piece of Cohen I have left.
“He’s going to come around, Tatum.” She pierces me with her emerald eyes. “He always does.” She adds in trying to convince herself more than me. Dr. Forbes is gone, and in her place is Bianca, Killian’s sister.
“I’ll be fine.” I tell her with more conviction in my voice than I anticipated. And I will be. I have been. I don’t need Killian to raise this baby with me, although it would be nice. Every girl grows up wanting their fairy tale, but that isn’t how it is for me. No, my story is one nightmare after the other. The only thing that worry's me is Bean. Will she be angry when she finds out about her father? Will she still speak to me? Will she be heartbroken like I am? As much as I’d love to think and convince myself I don’t need Killian Matthews, I know there will be a time when she will. That is the only thought capable of breaking my heart over and over again.
“He will.” She tries one last time. “He just needs some time to process things. He’s always been like this. He looks like a runner, but he’ll come back. He always does.” She sounds as if she knows from experience. And most likely she probably does. But I was never shown that side of him, the reliable side of him. I probably never will be.
“You make a really convincing argument.” I say as I muster up a small smile. “But I know better than to believe Killian is anything but a coward.” Her face blanches at the bitterness in my words. I can see the moment her smile fades for just a fraction of a second. I offended her, but she would never let me outright know it.
“You can make another appointment with the receptionist on your way out.” She plasters another smile on her face. “I’m gonna want to keep an eye on you and the baby more as the time nears closer.” She’s back in doctor form, and I can’t say I don’t mind it.
“Is that normal?” I ask with a hint of worry in my words.
“Yes.” She smiles a bright genuine smile for the first time in the last half hour. “We just want to make sure mama and baby stay perfectly healthy in the most vital of times.” I nod in agreement. This appointment has gone in so many different directions I’m not sure if I’m ready for another.
“I’ll see you next time.” She calls as I finally make my way out of the small office. Relief floods me when I get outside to the car. Dr. Forbes is nice, too nice in my opinion. But sometimes her smile is contagious in the moments it’s genuine.
“How was it?” Haley pipes up the minute I climb into the car. Our earlier discussion clearly forgotten.
“It was fine.” I say the same thing I’ve been saying for the past few weeks. I’m fine. The baby’s fine. Everything’s just fine. It seems to placate everyone. They don’t expect nothing more or nothing less. They take it at face value and never probe.
“And the baby?” She asks next. Haley doesn’t show it much but she does care for me and the baby. At least for our well being.
“The baby’s doing fine.” See there it is again. That same word that seems to shut everyone up. Before it was different. If it was Cohen sitting next to me I’d be telling him every little detail. It would be more exciting then it is scary, but it’s not him. And every day is a constant reminder of that.
“When was the due date again?” She asks me out of curiosity. I don’t think I ever told her the exact date, just a general month. Now that she asks I’m afraid to see her reaction once she knows.
“In April.” I tell her vaguely.
“I knew that.” She rolls her eyes at me, knowing I'm trying to run away from this subject. “But what’s the actual date?” she asks me again, more serious this time.
“My due date is April 25th, but Bia-Dr. Forbes thinks she might come sooner than that.” I finally reveal. I don’t miss the sharp intake of breath that comes from her or the way her fingers white knuckle the steering wheel. A long still quiet fills the cab of the car almost suffocating me completely.
“April 25th?” She questions as if I had just played the worst prank on her.
“Yup.” I pop the P, acting as if I’m completely oblivious to what happened on that very date last year. I was shocked when I first found out, but I had Cohen to help me cope. I was cursed then and I’m cursed now.
“But that’s the-” She tries to get out the words seemingly stuck in her throat but she’s unable to finish a sentence.
“The anniversary of mom and dad’s death?” I throw out finally letting her know I’m not as oblivious as I seem.
“That’s fucked up.” I flinch at the rotten word falling from her lips. Haley isn’t a curser. She talks and acts with the poise of a polite young lady. She was always more like mom in more ways than none, and that’s definitely where she got it from.
“That’s what Cohen said.” I tell her blatantly. His reaction was just as bad as mine, but his humor helped me through it.
“So as if getting knocked up in the first place was bad enough, you’re having the baby on the day you killed mom and dad?” I know she didn’t mean it the way it came out but it still stung. I can’t blame her for feeling that way, it is the truth after all. But every time I’m reminded of the fact my heart still aches just the same.
“I’m cursed.” I try to joke, but I know deep down I’m completely serious. I have to be. These kind of things don’t happen to normal people. To people who aren’t cursed.
Chapter 38
Tatum
As I head up the front walkway I stop right in my tracks. I can hear Haley slam the car door behind me, but my attention remains on the scene before me.
“Aw, come on Tate. You really gonna fall for that?” Cohen chooses this exact moment show up once again. He’s like the devil and the angel living on my shoulder these days.
“You’re so dramatic.” I roll my eyes.
“Who’s dramatic?” Haley chimes in next causing me to jump slightly. I shake Cohen away from the forefront of my mind. “Oh that.” She says next. I can hear the surprise in her voice no doubt matching the surprise on my face.
I go to pick up the object in front of me, being careful as to not break the expensive crystal vase. It’s filled to the brim with different colored carnations, my favorite being the lavender ones.
“What a try hard.” I hear her mumble under her breath. “That man’s out of his mind.” She blows out a deep breath.
“Who?” I ask genuinely curious.
“Oh come one, Tate. I know you’re smarter than this.” I can hear Cohen butt in.
“Can’t you just be quiet for once?” I say annoyed.
“Great, not only are you one giant ball of pregnant depression, but you’re losing your mind now too.” Haley jabs before making her way inside and leaving me and my invisible best friend behind. Turning the vase around I find a small note attached.
The world needs your color back
- Your friend, K
My nose scrunches up as annoyance and anxiety flood through me. K? As in Killian? This whole time? I don’t know what makes me more angry, the fact that the only ounce of peace I've gotte
n has come from these flowers, or the fact that he’s the exact reason I haven’t had peace in my life for the last eight almost nine months. It’s bullshit. Here we go again with the hot and cold, it’s a never ending cycle. I just wanted to have one thing of my own, and now even that is gone. Tainted with the unrequited love Killian has always given me. It’s always a ruse, a show, for who? I don’t know. It’s not like he wants anyone knowing about us, especially about Bean. So why would he go out of his way to leave me all these stupid carnations?
“You never thought they were stupid before.” Cohen chimes in at the worst moments.
“Yeah, but that was before I knew they came from him.”
“You never know, Tate. They could be from someone else.” I wait for him to continue, because knowing him he’s not finished with what he has to say. “But if you do believe that, you gotta be one dumb human being.”
“You and I both know they’re from him. I don’t know any other K names, especially one that would want to supply me with flowers on the daily basis.”
“Maybe he’s changed.” He jokes. “Maybe he’s finally here to stay.” He mocks the words of almost everyone I’ve spoken to about this very topic.
“Or maybe he’s just lonely.” I reply curtly. “And maybe this time I definitely don’t have time for that.” I finally walk inside and close the door, on that discussion, or on that chapter of my life. I’ll never know. Especially since my one and only weakness was the very man in question.
“What’s with the flowers?” Grams asks with an eyebrow raised as I walk through the living room towards my bedroom.
“They were on the front steps.” I give her a small half truth. I don’t mention the fact that they were most likely one hundred percent left by Killian Matthews. The very man she just so happens to be incredibly smitten with.
“Huh.” Her response is more of a grunt.