by Holly Hood
My heart is in my throat and I can’t swallow if I want to. And the door opens before I am ready.
“Hope,” Gary says like we are old friends that have known each other forever. I look at Slade, I really want to punch Gary for being nice to me.
Slade puts his arm around me.
“I…” I don’t know what to say. And then she appears, my mother. She wipes her hands on the front of her apron and smiles and looks at me, every inch of me.
“Hope,” she says. “I was hoping you were going to stop by.” She looks at Slade next and extends a hand. “I’m Andrea, Hope’s mom. You must be Slade.”
Slade shakes it and agrees. “Nice to meet you.”
She looks the same, maybe even better. Our time away has appeared to have done wonders for her hair and skin. She’s full of life and walking on air. She’s more beautiful than I remember.
“I made your favorite,” she tells me as I follow her past the staircase and into the dining room, everything still looks the same, give or take new curtains and a few decorations.
“What’s your favorite?” Slade ask checking out the old family photos of me and my brothers. I can’t believe he is looking at my bad perm and stupid braces.
“Hope has always loved my chicken alfredo,” she says. She pulls the chairs out and tells us to sit down. “I will go and get us some lemonade.”
Gary lingers for a few seconds and then disappears to god knows where. But I am glad he hasn’t stayed back trying to get to know me.
“Nice braces,” Slade says moving on to the next embarrassing photo. “This one is beautiful.”
I stand up and check out the picture he is talking about. It was one of me posing in a tutu at one of my recitals when I was younger. I study my smile, I was so happy who was I kidding?
My mom comes back into the room. “Okay. Here we go. Let’s sit down and catch up.”
She’s making everything seem so normal and okay. And I don’t know what to do. Everything is happening too fast and I don’t know what I am supposed to think.
“Where is Griffin?” I ask. The least she could do is let me see my brother.
“He’s with Elliot and Easton. They all went up to the cabin with your grandparents. The boys need some time to adjust to being home.” She smiles, the same proud look on her face when she looks at me. The one I remember when I was younger.
Slade clears his throat. “I’m going to make a phone call.”
I know he wants to give us some time to talk so I don’t argue I let him leave. As soon as he is gone she seems more at ease.
“I didn’t want to upset him, I figured we could hash our issues out and then Griffin can see you.” She scoots a glass of lemonade toward me.
Before I take it I look at her. “You’re still with Gary?”
She nods. “Slade is handsome. I see what all the fuss is.”
I fight the urge to smile and remain stoic. “He’s more than just a hot guy. He treats me amazing.”
“That’s good. That’s all I ever have wanted for you.”
At one time I did believe her but not anymore. Now I just feel she gave up on being the wonderful person she once was so she could be happy while we were miserable.
But when I look at her I see those same brown eyes wanting nothing more than my friendship and love. I wish I would have looked at her sooner. I close my eyes and fight the tears but they come anyways.
“Everything smells the same,” I sob. “It almost looks the same too.”
She sits forward, wrapping her arms around me. I squeeze her tight and inhale the familiar scent of her shampoo and perfume. “It always has been the same. There was only one thing that changed.”
I wipe my eyes and try to pull myself back together. “You mean you and dad.”
She nods. “I’ve talked with the boys already. The problems were building. This wasn’t a spur of the moment choice.”
I nod. “A lot of me wants to hate you, and I did for some time. But the last few months of living with him I saw something I never saw before. He has a problem none of us can fix.”
“I gave your father many ultimatums. And I let it go over and over again when he screwed up and wouldn’t get better.” She took my hand. “I’ve waited so long to talk with you, but you were always so angry.”
I never said goodbye to my mom the day we left. I got in the van and I wouldn’t look at her. I was angry and hurt. My entire life fell apart in three days. I hate to think I was too naïve to see my family was falling apart for a long time, but I think that was the problem—I never saw it. I turned a blind eye to every fight, to every night I heard her crying in the bathroom.
I told myself she was having a bad day. I convinced myself my dad’s frequent trips to the stores and bars were normal and what all dads did.
Every kiss he planted on my head at night smelled like his demons and I accepted it. It became normal to smell of liquor.
“I knew forcing you to stay with me would only make you hate me more. So I let you choose.”
I nod. “He needed me.” I don’t regret taking care of my dad. He needed someone to be there for him, he was a mess.
She touches my arm, looking at the heart shaped tattoo. “This is pretty. I never thought you would get a tattoo. You were always so focused on ballet.”
I nod. “This tattoo means a lot to me.”
“I’m sure it does.” She smiles, I can see how happy she is. “Should we call the men in and eat?”
I nod. “I’ll go get Slade.” I hurry off and find him on the front porch. He’s sitting on my favorite porch swing enjoying the view.
“How’d it go?” he asks me, I take the spot next to him and take his hand in mine.
“It went good.”
“Told you it would.” He kisses my hand.
“I didn’t tell her I was a witch and I don’t think she knows. She didn’t act like she did.” I really thought my dad would have spilled the news.
“Do you know what I would give to have a second chance?” he says. “To decide whether or not someone knows my biggest secret?”
“Are you saying you wouldn’t tell her if you were me?”
Slade shakes his head. “That’s exactly what I am telling you. You have a chance to not be judged. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything at all.”
I kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For always being so supportive no matter what,” I stand up. “Let’s eat.”
5
After a much needed home cooked meal by my mother we retire to the old family room. Even Gary, he’s there hanging out and I don’t mind. Maybe I am beyond it, or maybe I am trying to see past her mistake and enjoy what time I am spending with her.
Slade does his best to get to know Gary while my mom and I go through old photo albums laughing about old times.
And it feels good.
“Do you remember this one?” she asks, pointing to one photo in particular. “You were mad because you didn’t get a pony for Christmas. So your dad took you out to a farm and you screamed and cried because you were so afraid of the horses.”
I laugh, glad she can bring up my dad without an eye roll or snide comment. Nona was forever insulting my mother and I am starting to wonder if maybe she was wrong for doing it.
“Let me see this,” Slade says, my mom hands over the album and he looks for a couple of seconds and then looks up at me and smiles.
“What?” I say. “Come on, say what you’re thinking.”
Slade shakes his head. “Nope.”
I roll my eyes and dive back into memories.
Gary turns on the television and settles into his recliner. “Time for some news.”
My mom sighs. “Gary has a thing for the news. He never misses it.”
I shake my head studying the photographs.
“I told him half the time the stories are made up and stretched but he still enjoys the drama.”
Slade smirks.
“I’d rather stay away from all drama.”
Gary grips the remote and shakes his head. “This is my way of steering clear. I like to watch it from afar.”
Slade nods, but I’m pretty sure he thinks Gary is a cheeseball now.
My mom closes the photo album and puts it on the table. “So Slade, Hope tells me you had a band back home, and that you are a really good singer.”
Slade looks at me before speaking. “Yeah, we weren’t anything big.”
I shake my head. “Stop being modest. Mom, the evil kings of Ink had a crazy following.”
Slade’s eyes darken. I guess he doesn’t want to talk about it.
“Wow, what a name.” My mom sits forward ready to hear more. “And I love the tattoos. You are such the rocker.”
Slade forces a small smile and focuses his eyes back onto the television. I shrug, smoothing my hair and looking around the room. I can’t help but feel a little awkward now. My mom doesn’t know anything about life in Cherry, I unplugged when I was away and my dad did a horrible job on updating her.
“How does it feel to have Elliot and Easton home?” I look at her.
“It feels good.” She squeezes my arm and stands up taking the photo albums off the table. “I’m going to put these away.”
I watch her leave and give a sigh of relief. I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to talk about what brought us to Cherry.
Gary sits forward in his seat. “That’s where you were living wasn’t it, Hope?
I search the screen for what the hell he is talking about. Plastered all over the screen is Pastor Dillinger’s face. And in big bold letters is the word suspicious murder.
I swallow down my shock and glance over at Slade. “Yeah that’s where we lived.”
“You were there around that time? What the hell happened?” Harvey is glued to my every move. I’m pretty sure if he moves a little closer he can see my heart about to beat out of my chest.
The news reporters continue tossing around witchcraft and murder, and when Slade’s band is brought up when my mom comes back into the room it’s the cherry on top.
Everything is quiet now. I bite down on my lip waiting for her to say something. Instead Gary opens his mouth. “You know back when I was younger we used to buy into all that shit. Ouija boards, séances you name it we did it.”
My heart slows down a bit when I realize Gary is an idiot.
“Yeah, back in the seventies and eighties it was the hip thing to do.” My mom shakes her head. “Conjuring the dead, anything dark and mysterious.”
I rub the back of my neck.
“So give us the scoop,” Gary says, rubbing his hands together. He laughs off the seriousness of it and acts like a fan rather than a rational human.
“Not much to tell we were heading here when all that took place,” Slade answers. “The church was a bunch of bible toting hypocrites. That’s all I know about it.”
They look at me now. As nervous and scared as I am I still force the words out of my mouth. “Slade’s right. The whole town was a bunch of judgmental snobs. I have no idea what it is all about.”
And everything goes back to normal. Gary shifts his gaze from me back to the television. The world has moved on to another story and for now everything is forgotten.
***
I push open the door and step out on the porch. Slade is sitting on the porch swing again. It seems to be his favorite place. I sit down next to him and sigh. “That was close.”
“It feels good to be away from there,” he says ignoring what I said to him. “This place is simpler.”
Simpler maybe, but Georgia was also full of people waiting to get ahold of a good bit of gossip just like the rest of the world. And in this small town some people thrive on nothing more than the thought of something wild and new.
I look up and catch the flickering light on Karsen’s porch. When we were younger and wanted to get a hold of each other that’s what we did. She appears in her doorway.
“Just like old times,” she yells. “What are you doing tonight?”
I look at Slade. “She’s not doing anything.” He sits back a pleased look on his face, it’s been awhile since he got to yell at something.
“Good. That means you can come to the party at the old barn.” She throws her hands up and does a little dance.
I chew at my lip. I haven’t stepped foot in the old barn since my junior year of high school. The barn is where all the kids go to hang out, drink and listen to music.
“We don’t have to go,” I say.
Slade shakes his head. “Go have fun. Kidd and I need to look for some gigs. If we plan on staying here for a while we need to make some money.” He pulls me against him and hugs me. “For once you have nothing to worry about. Enjoy it.”
I nod, though I’m not sure how enjoyable it will be.
6
“Is Slade going with you?” my mom asks from her spot on the floor of my bedroom. She’s been sitting there watching me get ready for the last hour and it feels good.
I’ve grown up since I left and having her opinion in my life feels much needed. “Slade and Kidd are going out to find work. He says he needs the money.”
She sighs giving me a motherly frown. “The barn can get crazy. I hear things.”
I apply some lip gloss and study myself in the mirror. “I can handle myself.”
“And I believe you,” she says standing up. “I’ll leave the door unlocked.”
There is so much left to say because we threw a blanket over our mess and moved on. And when she leaves the room I feel it weighing on me. I don’t know how to approach any of this.
I’m better at dealing with her at a distance when we aren’t talking. I never expected to be back in this house pretending everything is okay.
I spray some body spray and grab my shoes and hurry down the stairs. Karsen is waiting for me in her cute little black dress. She looks beautiful and way better than she did when we were in Cherry.
I can’t believe what Karsen went through. I still have the moment etched in my brain when she found out Kidd was alive. It was the top moment of any of our lives. It put her back together and made everything right again.
“You two have fun,” Gary says standing in the kitchen while my mother cooks. He wasn’t a bad looking guy and from what I can tell he treats my mom well. It’s hard to hate him when she is so happy.
“Thanks, Gary.” I say, for once I am directly acknowledging him and I can tell it means something to him.
My mom smiles at me, I can tell she’s thankful as well.
“Yeah, Gary, thank you.” Karsen says. “Don’t stay up, I am not sure when we will get back.”
I follow Karsen down the stairs to her car. The same one her brother drove back when he was young. It wasn’t in the best shape but she loves it almost as much as she loves Kidd.
“Your mother seems happy,” she says climbing in on her side.
“That’s because she is,” I tell her, buckling up.
Before she starts the car she does one final hair check. “You seem happy.”
I nod. “I think I am.”
“And I know I’m happy.” She smiles. “And Kidd is happy. And I am pretty sure as long as Slade has you he is happy so for once I can say everything is going good.”
I can’t say she is wrong for thinking our lives with these guys are amazing.
***
I love Georgia, it’s where I belong. I love the weather, the trees, and the stray cats that lazily sunbathe outside wherever they want to.
Karsen covers her face with her red solo cup and groans. “I can’t believe I am looking at John Redcorn.”
I look up trying to find him in the crowd. “Radcom.” I don’t know how many times I have to correct her before she understands John is not the Native American from a tv show.
“Radcom, Redcorn, his name doesn’t help the fact I do not want to be in the same place as him,” she groans again.
I take another
swig of my beer. “Why are you freaking out? It’s just some guy you once slept with.” I don’t see the huge deal.
“He’s coming over here,” she says pushing me in front of her as a shield.
“He’s kind of old,” I say under my breath.
“He’s thirty,” Karsen hisses. “Or fifty, I don’t remember anymore.”
I pull away when she sinks her claws into my arm. “Pull it together. You are making a scene.”
John Radcom stops in front of us. A perfect braid of long brown hair runs down his back. And he has a piercing in one ear. I squint trying to focus in on the mom jeans, I really think he has on mom jeans and this weirds me out.
“Karsen,” he says looking past me. “When did you get back?”
I shove her forward. “Who said I was back?”
“You look like you’re standing here. Or am I seeing things?” He smirks, revealing a gold tooth and I want to die.
Charlie approaches. “Dude. Sweet mom jeans, very vintage.”
I hold back my smile and try hiding behind Karsen but it doesn’t work.
“These are the latest in fashion bro, you should really get up to date.” He looks at Karsen again. “Looking good, Karsen.”
I smirk.
Karsen shoves some hair behind her ear. “Thanks, John. I really have to pee.”
I take a drink to hide the laughter threatening to come out.
“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Charlie says watching Karsen scurry away as fast as a wild bunny. John slips back into the crowd and does his best to grind on some young girls who are not having it at all. One takes her shoe off and swats at him. The other screams and takes off through the crowd.
“Radcom doesn’t have the skills anymore,” Charlie points out.
I look at him, John Radcom might not have any style but Charlie sure thinks he does. He’s wearing a black hat hiding the well cropped curly hair underneath it. I remember when we were younger how crazy the girls went over his hair, me being one of them. Now it doesn’t seem he embraces it as much anymore.
And then you have the gray t-shirt and skinny jeans, he’s just a regular guy trying his best to look fashionable.