I haven't ever felt that. For a while I convinced everyone, even to a certain extent, myself, that I loved Charles, but I didn't. Not in that way. Not in the way that Libby loves him now.
'Are you feeling ok Libby?' My dad asks, she drops the spoon back into the jar and her head snaps up. A blush creeping onto her skin. I laugh out loud.
'Did we miss something?' My mom asks.
'There's nothing wrong with her,' I grin, 'quite the opposite.'
'Is that right?' My mom raises a delicately plucked eyebrow at the both of us. I turn to Libby who sighs and gives a small nod of approval.
'She's in love.' I say with a wide smile, 'That's why she's so...spaced out.'
'I'm not spaced out.' Libby defends, and then looks at her untouched plate of food, 'Well, not very spaced out.' She amends as she picks up a croissant and tears off the end, popping it into her mouth as the doorbell rings.
'I take it that Julie's talking about your relationship with Charles.' My dad says, pouring himself some more orange juice.
'Yes, sir.' Libby nods, and a small smile creeps onto her face, but she loses it quickly and somehow I know she's thinking about Mrs Parsons. The sadness of her death hangs over everyone in the room, and even as we try to carry out a normal conversation, it creeps in.
'Rather quick.' He adds.
'Not when it's right.' I defend her, which is when Charles walks into the room. I was starting to doubt if he'd make it to my farewell breakfast.
When I look at him, I can see the weight of grief that he carries with him, and though he's trying to hide it. I can tell that it's crushing him.
'Sorry I'm late.' He says, giving me a quick hug and then kissing Libby softly, quickly, but with so much love that it's obvious to everyone, including my parents, that they haven't gone too fast. They simply love each other.
'That's fine.' I say, 'You're here now. How are you?'
'Fine.' He shrugs.
'Tell me honestly.' I prod.
'Julie today is about you,' he smiles, but it doesn't even begin to reach his eyes, 'let's not talk about me.'
'If you insist.' I say as he takes the spare seat next to Libby.
'Are you excited?' He asks.
'Excited and nervous.' I reply honestly. All morning my stomach has been full of butterflies, and I've changed my mind several times about getting on the plane. I know that I could easily tell my parents I've changed my mine, and they'd let me stay here. I've been tempted each time the nerves set in, but now I'm working on overcoming those nerves, because this isn't an opportunity I want to turn down.
The rest of breakfast is centered around me. My parents offering advice, and making sure I know that I can call them any time, even if it's just because I'm homesick. It's an offer which makes me see how much they do love me, even if they did decide to send me away.
Libby and Charles mostly get me talking about the exciting aspects of the school, though mostly it's Libby talking, while Charles withdraws. That's pretty much how the whole of the breakfast goes until my parents hug me goodbye.
They head off to work, with tearful kisses and tight hugs, while Charles loads up his car with all of my luggage. He slides into the drivers side, and to my surprise, Libby doesn't take the seat beside him, and instead she takes the back seat.
'You can sit up front if you like.' I say, poking my head through the window. 'Since he's your boyfriend now.'
'I'm good back here,' she smiles, 'today, you're the top priority passenger.'
'I feel so special.' I laugh as I slip into the front seat beside Charles.
'Ready?' He asks. I look back at my house, breathe out and then nod.
'Ready.' I say.
The airport is busy, and it takes forever to get myself checked in, and yet it comes all too quickly the time when I have to say goodbye to Charles and Libby. There have been too many goodbyes this summer. Some good, like Libby being able to say goodbye to her horrific past, and some indescribably bad.
As I look at the two of them, standing side by side, hand in hand, and knowing that they love each other. I can't help but think how much this summer has changed. I can't help but wonder if it could have been different. If I hadn't caused the fire, then I wouldn't have called Libby home, and even if I had still broken up with Charles, she wouldn't have been around for a large chunk of the summer, so they maybe wouldn't have realized they had feelings for each other.
Charles may not have asked her to go to Arizona, they may not have fallen in love, and in that respect, I'm glad that things played out the way they did, because the two of them deserve to be happy. Which I know will take some time, because however happy their new relationship is, that sweetness is soured by the loss of his mom.
I leap forwards and hug them both, tears spilling down my face.
'Hey, what's with the tears?' Libby asks, rubbing my back the way I've seen her sooth Charles.
'I almost lost you guys this summer.' I say, pulling back and wiping my eyes, 'I was so stupid.'
'But you didn't lose us.' Charles points out, 'We're all still friends, right?'
'Right.' I nod and smile, sniffing back the rest of my tears.
'Have fun over there, make lots of friends, but remember to keep in touch.' Libby hugs me again and the goes to stand back beside Charles. He kisses her once, and then smiles at me. Still full of sadness, but he's being so strong. He's always strong for other people. It makes me wonder what he's like when he's alone? Does he break down? Maybe Libby sees that side of him, maybe he doesn't need to hold it together around her.
'You're in charge of your next chapter Julie,' he says, 'make it count.'
'You mean, don't make any more stupid decisions.' I laugh.
'Well,' he smiles sadly, 'that too.'
'I love you guys, you know that right?'
'We know.' Libby says, 'We love you too.' They both step forwards and give me one last hug. It lets me know that everything is good now, and that no matter how badly I messed up this summer, I truly am forgiven. I truly can say goodbye to who I was and become a better person when I reach France. I can do things right and not hurt the people I love. I can be the person that I want to be.
'Ok then.' I take a deep breath, step through security, turn back and wave as I head off into the next chapter of my life.
To be continued...
Follow Julie's story in France in Between Now and Forever
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Between Now and Goodbye Page 34