by Cassia Leo
I walk toward the door leading out to the balcony. I pull the door open and the 101 freeway is barely visible through the thick luminescent clouds hanging low over Palo Alto. Somewhere out there Rory is with her father. Is he telling her Hallie’s secret? If I know Rory the way I think I know her, it will destroy her. She was as much Hallie’s sister as I was her brother.
How well do I really know Rory?
She waited most of her life for me, then the moment I made myself available to her, she left me for a guy she barely knew. Last night she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to forgive her father, now she’s sitting at a park with him. After I dropped everything to come save her yesterday, it’s a fucking slap in the face.
Maybe it’s not intentional, but it shows me that Rory has needs I can’t fulfill. Demons she must slay without me. Pieces of her I’ve never truly known. May never know, unless we press pause to sort through the tangled mess we’ve made.
I glance at the clock on the wall behind the wet bar: 11:04 a.m. Fuck. It’s not even noon and that’s the third time today I’ve gotten bad news. I quickly clean up the shards of my smartphone and toss them in the trash. Then I use the hotel phone to call Rory, but the call goes straight to voicemail. Either her phone is turned off or it died. Come to think of it, I don’t remember her charging it in the hotel.
As I place the hotel phone back on the cradle, I hear the soft buzz of an electronic lock followed by a soft click, then the door opens. Skippy gallops inside, tongue lolling as he jumps up on me. I crouch down to give him some love, but I keep my eye on Rory as she enters. Her back is to me. Even after she pulls her suitcase inside and closes the door, she stays facing the mahogany slab, her hand gripping the brushed metal handle.
I stand up and make my way to her. “Rory, what’s wrong?”
She turns around and I’m not surprised to see her eyes are even puffier than they were this morning. “Detective Locke called. She said they found a flash drive in Liam’s personal effects.” She looks up at me and she doesn’t have to finish that sentence for me to know what the detective told her. “There was nothing on it. The book is gone.”
I pull her into my arms, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. “I’m so sorry,” I mutter into her hair.
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know. I just wish there was something I could do to make it right.”
She nuzzles her face into my chest as she holds me tightly. I squeeze her shoulders and rub her back. She feels so small. Smaller than usual.
“Baby, have you eaten?”
“I’m not hungry,” she replies automatically, gently easing herself out of my arms. “Actually, I feel kind of sick.” She reaches for the handle of her suitcase, but I take it from her.
“Maybe you feel sick because you haven’t eaten.”
“No, I feel sick because Liam is dead. My book is gone. And…” She turns away from me. “And because of what my dad just told me about Hallie.”
I watch as she walks into the sitting area, unable to move as I realize we both got the same bad news at the same time. She has every right to be sickened by everything she’s had to endure in the past twenty-four hours. There’s no way I can lay my anger with her father on her right now.
She sinks down onto the sofa, absentmindedly scratching Skippy’s head as he rests his chin on top of her thigh. He probably misses Sparky. This whole situation is ten levels of fucked up for everyone, especially for Rory.
Just like Hallie, I couldn’t protect Rory from all the shit that’s gone down in the past few weeks. I can’t help but acknowledge that if I had protected Hallie from what happened to her when she was eleven, we probably never would have moved to McMinnville and met Rory. And if I had protected her and prevented her from taking her life, Rory and I probably never would have ended up together.
Maybe Rory doesn’t need me to protect her. Maybe she just needs me to be there. To be her friend.
I take a seat next to her on the sofa, but I don’t wrap my arm around her. I just sit there for a few minutes in complete silence, waiting for her to say something. Finally, she turns her head to look up at me.
“Did your mom tell you about Hallie?”
I nod. “Just a few minutes ago.” I reach for her hand, lacing my fingers through hers, relishing the softness of her skin. “There’s no way we could have known. We can’t blame ourselves.”
She sniffs loudly then nods in agreement. “I guess so. I just… I wish I had known. I think things would have turned out differently.”
“Maybe. But maybe everything would have happened the same way. There’s no way to know. Besides, it’s not so bad that after everything that’s happened, we still ended up sitting right here, next to each other.”
She looks up at me and flashes me a tiny smile.
“That’s your first smile of the day,” I remark. “I guess there’s hope for you yet.”
She heaves a deep sigh as her grip on my hand loosens. “But my book is still gone.”
I squeeze her hand, then I use my other hand to lift her chin and look her in the eye. “Sometimes, when the story gets too complicated, it’s best to toss it out and start again, from the very beginning.”
She draws in a stuttered breath as she gazes up at me. “How did you get so wise about storytelling?”
“I had a very good teacher,” I reply, pulling a stray piece of newly dyed brown hair away off her sticky cheek. “She used to hold class in the nude.”
She chuckles. “Sounds like a weird teacher.”
“Yeah, I guess she’s kind of weird.” I tuck the hair behind her ear. “But I love her.”
She stares at me for a moment, then she climbs on top of me so she’s straddling my lap. “I think she loves you, too.”
I laugh, grabbing her face as she leans in to kiss me. “Shouldn’t you eat something first, so you don’t pass out?”
She narrows her hazel eyes. “Are you rejecting me?”
“I would never. I just think you should eat something first. You look sort of pale.”
Her jaw drops at this comment. “My skin is always pale.”
I draw in a long breath, gazing longingly at the swell of her breasts. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I think there’s something we need to talk about before we do that.”
Her mouth closes and she suddenly looks confused. “What do we need to talk about?”
I let out a soft chuckle. “A lot of things, but mostly… the fact that I’m not sure how to deal with this new phase of our relationship. The part where I’m supposed to forgive your dad.”
Her shoulders slump as her gaze falls to my chest. “Yeah, I guess we should talk about that.”
I lift her chin again. “Rory, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“How would you hurt me?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that I’m entering uncharted waters here.” I take her face in my hands. “The person I love more than anything in this world happens to be related to the person I thought I hated more than anyone for the past six years. You have to understand how difficult it is for me to just… suddenly change the way I feel. He’s your father, but… it’s not that easy for me.”
She winces as if she’s in physical pain. “Are you saying… you can’t be with me?”
“No,” I respond firmly. “I’m not saying that at all.”
“Then what are you saying?”
Houston sighs heavily as he lets go of my face. “I think… I need some time to get used to this.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “What does that mean?”
“It means I think we should step back, give ourselves a chance to get to know each other better, all the gritty stuff and the boring stuff, all of it, before we jump into this again.” He reaches up and grabs my face again. “I want to do it right this time. No moving in together from the first day. No drunken tirades and unresolved tension. Just you and me, without all the other bullshit. Getting to know each other… Forgiving e
ach other.”
The sharp sting of rejection throbs in every part of my body. “You don’t want to live with me.”
“I just think we need time to sort everything out before we jump in headfirst again.”
My stomach burns with hunger and shame as I push his hands off my face. “You couldn’t have told me this last night? Or did you have to fuck me five times before you could be sure you didn’t want to live with me?”
He grabs my hands to stop me from sliding off his lap. “That’s not fair, Rory. A lot has changed since we got here last night. Liam is gone. We both know what happened to Hallie. And your dad… You need your dad.”
“This is about my dad?” My chest aches as his gaze falls. “Are you asking me to choose between you and my dad?”
His eyes snap up. “What? No! That’s not what I’m asking at all.”
“Then what is it?” I demand. “You said it yourself, a lot has changed since last night. I have no job, no home, no book. I’ve lost everything except you, and you think now is the best time to put some distance between us?”
“You haven’t lost everything. You’ll have a job when we get back to Portland. And I’m sure Kenny will have no problem sharing your apartment, or even my apartment, until he finds something else. And your book will be better the second time.”
I groan with frustration. “You don’t get it. I don’t want to think about that book, much less rewrite it.”
The muscle in his jaw twitches. “It’s not just a book. It’s our story.”
“It was our story,” I reply, my voice taking on a hard edge. “Now it’s gone.”
He turns his head and stares off into the distance as he considers this. I stare at his hands, where they rest on his abdomen, holding mine. His thumbs absentmindedly stroke the tops of my fingers. There’s a raw scrape on the knuckle of his right hand and my stomach tenses as I realize it’s probably from his scuffle with Liam last night.
If I had taken the time to listen to Houston when I was still in Portland, none of this would have happened. I know I didn’t make Liam do what he did, but I’m not dumb enough to believe I’m blameless. I have to accept responsibility for my role in Liam’s death. Only then can I begin to forgive myself. I couldn’t have known what Liam was capable of, but now I know what Houston is capable of.
He spent weeks orchestrating a plan to try to make my dreams come true. Then he came running to me in my time of need. The least I can do is listen to him.
“I don’t want anything else to come between us,” he begins, turning back to me. “I don’t know how we’ve survived this far, but I know I’m not going to risk throwing that away again.” He squeezes both my hands. “I wasn’t lying when I told you I would put that ring on your finger, but you need to let me do it the right way. Not the way I’ve done it in the past.” He brings my left hand to his lips and plants a soft kiss on my knuckles. “All I’m asking for is a little time.”
I let out a deep sigh. “So, are we supposed to just be friends or something?”
He chuckles and the sparkling hope in his eyes makes me smile. “Nothing would make me happier than calling you my friend.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
He laughs louder. “I’ll admit it would be nice to be friends with benefits.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I’ll do whatever you want, but no benefits.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “But all I want is benefits.”
I stare at him, trying not to smile at the devious look in his eyes. “After all the trouble you went through to get me back, I owe it to you to make sure we do this right.”
His expression turns serious as he takes my face in his hands and plants a kiss on the tip of my nose. “You were worth every second of it.”
I lean my forehead against his, inhaling each breath he exhales. His hands slide down to lightly caress my neck and a chill races through me. He fingers whisper over my shoulders as his breathing quickens and he parts his lips. I lean closer to him, my mouth almost on his, when he tightens his grip on my shoulders and gently pushes me back a few inches.
I’m too stunned to speak. He’s really serious.
His eyes narrow a bit, as if he’s unsure about what he just did. “This is going to be very hard.”
My mouth drops open as I feel his erection growing beneath me. “No kidding.”
He nods. “Maybe I should eat something—I mean, we should eat something.”
Suddenly, a palpable sadness comes over me as I realize this may be the last time I’ll be this close to Houston for a while.
“Can you hold me first? Just for a little while?”
He tilts his head to the side as his gaze skims over my face. “Come here.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close, crushing my body against his as I coil my arms around his shoulders and lay my cheek on his solid shoulder. We sit like this for a while, with me trying not to brush my lips over his neck and him trying not to make it obvious he’s breathing in the scent of my hair. Our chests press together until our heartbeats are synced and our muscles begin to relax. With every breath I take, I feel his hold on me loosening and I know that, like every scene in every book I’ve ever read, this will end soon. But I’ve never dreaded an ending more than this one.
Reluctantly, I pull away from him and he reaches for my face. I grab his hand before he can touch my cheek. There’s sadness in his eyes as I gently lower his hand.
“This isn’t the end,” he says, as if he can read my thoughts.
I nod. “I know. It’s the unraveling.”
His eyebrows scrunch together at this word. “The unraveling?”
“The unraveling comes just before the resolution. When we get to the resolution, that will be the end.”
The left side of his mouth turns up in a half smile. “Well, Professor Charles, I must say this is much more difficult than I imagined.”
“What’s more difficult?”
“Paying attention when you’re fully clothed.”
I smack his arm, then I slide off his lap. “Get used to it.”
It took two days and three meetings with Detective Dana Locke for us to get the go-ahead to leave California. Locke explained that any criminal or civil proceedings against the security guards or the hotel would probably see us called back to testify in the coming months. For now, we’re free to go about our lives as if the worst is behind us. If two nights spent sleeping in separate beds in the same hotel room has taught me anything, the worst is far from over.
The lousiest part of those two nights wasn’t trying to keep myself from having sex with Rory. Though that took considerable effort. The worst part was listening to her crying in the middle of the night and not knowing what to do. I broke the separate beds rule the second night, to comfort her. But as she laid her head on my bare chest, just the whisper of her breath on my skin awoke the beast. She tried to ignore the tent I’d constructed under the covers, but eventually she burst out laughing. I suppose there are worse ways to comfort someone.
By the time we land in Portland at a quarter past noon, Rory and Kenny have hashed out their new living arrangements over text message. Rory and I throw ourselves, and Skippy, into the back of a cab outside the airport. She gives the driver the cross-streets to her mother’s apartment in the Pearl District. I know Rory’s not exactly happy about giving up her apartment to Kenny and moving in with her mom, but I’m glad she’ll be just a few blocks away from me now. Once this cooling-off period is over, it will be much easier to move her into my apartment if she’s nearby.
I give the driver the cross-streets to Barley Legal headquarters and Rory cocks an eyebrow at me. “What?” I reply. “I’ve been gone for almost four days. My assistant needs me to sign some stuff.”
“You don’t mind your assistant seeing you like that?”
I look down at the same T-shirt and jeans I’ve been wearing for the past four days. I would have purchased an extra outfit or two in Palo Alto i
f I’d known how long Detective Locke would keep us there. I opted instead to have my clothes laundered at the hotel, which gave Rory endless opportunities to mock me while I walked around the suite in a bathrobe. I pretended to begrudge her taunting, but the truth is I was happy to be a source of levity.
“I sign Adaline’s paychecks. I doubt she’d dare to judge me for wearing the same outfit I wore last week.”
“Adaline? That’s your assistant’s name?” She continues staring out the window. I can’t see her face, but the taut thread of jealousy in her voice in unmistakable. “It’s a beautiful name,” she concludes.
“For a beautiful girl,” I reply coolly.
She whips her head around and narrows her eyes when she sees me smiling. “You’re trying to bait me. It’s not going to work.”
“We’ll see.”
She leans forward to address the cab driver. “You can drop him off first, please.”
I chuckle. “Anxious to be rid of me already?”
“No, I just want to pay for my portion of the ride after we drop you off.” She sits back and smiles at me. “We’re going dutch now, aren’t we?”
It dawns on me as the driver pulls up in front of the large brick Barley Legal building that Rory has never been inside. When the cab pulls up next to the curb, Skippy stands up on the seat between us, wagging his tail as he expects this is his stop.
“Sorry, bud. You have to go home with that mean woman,” I say as I take a few twenties out of my wallet and hand them to the driver. “Unless you two want to come inside and see where all the magic happens.”
Rory wraps her arms around Skippy’s chest to keep him from escaping as I reach for the door handle. “Do they allow mean women in there? Or would that destroy some of the magic?”
I shrug. “Come inside and we’ll find out.”
“I’d rather not live dangerously anymore, thank you,” she says, pulling Skippy onto her lap.
I nod. “Another time.” I stare at her hands clutched around Skippy’s black fur for a moment. “Call me anytime you want to talk.”