by Sandra Lee
Chapter 16
She should be bored of just sitting on her bed staring into nothingness. She should feel the need to move, go out and breathe some fresh air. But no. She didn’t even have the strength to get up and go cook something, and she loved to cook. She realized that she would eventually have to eat, although she didn’t feel hungry. The empty feeling was only because she didn’t have Jake, she had lost him and again she didn’t know why, not because she hadn’t touched food in two days. Plus, she consoled herself. One doesn’t die of a broken heart, although the pain sure made you wish you were dead. She was pretty sure it wasn’t the broken heart but weakness that killed. She wasn’t weak, she just needed time to get over the fact that her heart was broken and that there was nothing she could do to fix it. So she just sat there, the beige walls were as interesting as anything else could be. She tried fighting pain with anger but it hadn’t worked. In a way she had deceived him again by not telling him she was a virgin, but that didn’t explain why he left in such a hurry, leaving her to wonder whether she was just another play toy, and that now that he had had his itch scratched he wasn’t going to come back. Maybe he just got afraid, and needed time to think, but that again didn’t explain why he hadn’t contacted her yet, it had been over a week ago. The knock on her door startled her. Who could it be? Intervention time? She thought she had told everyone she knew to stay away, to not even bother coming to the door that she wouldn’t answer. Sometimes she wished she didn’t have so many well –meaning friends. Forcing herself up, she dragged her slippered feet to the door.
“Who is it?” Her tired voice held a hint of impatience.
“Eva? It’s Jake.”
She froze at the sound of his voice. What was he doing here? What else was there to say? She told herself she was a fool for even considering letting him in.
“Go away.”
“Eva, I will stay here until you open that door. The only way you can remove me from your doorstep is for you to call the cops and have me arrested. But know that even then I would come back and camp on your doorsteps again.”
“911 it is then.”
“Eva…” Jake’s voice held an underlined threat yet still managed to sound hesitant.
“Give me one good reason why I should open the door.”
“Let me in and I will give you more then one. I promise.” He sounded sincere. Without giving herself any more time to think over her decision, she opened the door and backed away to give him plenty of room for him to walk in.
She devoured him wither eyes. She had thought she would never see him again, and now having the chance to do so again, she didn’t want to waste it. She longed to touch his chest, rest her head on his wide shoulders…She shook her head and concentrated on his face. She frowned and extended her hand to touch his swollen nose.
“What happened to you?” Her voice was breathless and thick with worry.
“Your brother, that’s what.” The words were said harshly as if he held her responsible for it.
She jerked back at his tone. Seeing her hurt expression, his features relaxed and he attempted a smile.
“Eva, he had the right to hit me you know.”
“No he didn’t, he has no right in my business. I am no longer a baby.”
No, but he did it because he loves you and he couldn’t stand to see you hurt. I would have done the same. I wish I could have done it myself.”
Eva didn’t know what to think of the situation. Barely fifteen minutes ago she thought she would never see him again, and now there he was in her living room saying he wished he could have broken his own nose.
“You? What are you telling me Jake?”
“I guess I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry.”
She inched away from him and squared her shoulders. She refused to let him see the brew of hope and despair she felt.
“I don’t understand. Why say you’re sorry? I warn you Jake, if it’s one of your cruel games…”
“My games?” He frowned
“Yes, I am not a toy you can play with and then discard without a thought. Luckily I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for you .” She’d be damn if she let him know how much she was suffering.” But Jake, it still is no reason to have treated me that way. Make love to me then go away without a word. Who does that?” She breathed in deeply, trying to calm herself down and keep the tears at bay. “Was I so terrible you couldn’t handle being near me again?”
He looked taken aback.
“My God, how could you think that, what we had was magic. Feeling you in my arms, tasting your sweet lips…Eva I left because of what I had discovered. I needed time to think and process it all and I couldn’t do that with you lying naked beside me. I couldn’t think.” He stepped closer to her and stroked her cheek, then lifted her chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing her to look at him in the eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin? I would have done things differently. Why did you keep that a secret when it would have been the proof I was wrong about you.”
“Would you have believed me if I had told you I had never been intimate with a man? You would have laughed at me and called me a liar. I am not proud for not telling you before we made love, but I knew that if I did you would stop, and I couldn’t stop.” She looked at him, her eyes awash in tears.
He smiled softly and dropped a kiss on her trembling lips.
“I thought that was a man’s excuse.”
She let out a pitiful laugh.
“Well easy for you to day. I had been waiting for that moment for eight years. I couldn’t wait any longer.”
“To be honest Eva, I don’t think I could have stopped it either. It was years in the making.”
“Then why did you leave Jake? I woke up and you were gone. Not a word, not a call, nothing. What was I supposed to think?”
“Once again, all I can say is I’m sorry. After finding out you were an innocent, I didn’t know what to think or believe anymore. All I had believed for the last years, all that I had fought was for nothing. I felt ashamed for my behavior. And to be honest, it scared the living hell out of me. When I believed you played me, I still had ammunitions to protect myself.”
“Protect yourself?” Her voice was thick with confusion, a frown set on her beautiful face.
“Yes. I once swore I would never love a woman, thus never giving any of them the power to hurt me. When I met you, all my promises fell forgotten, until I heard you on the phone with your friend that night. After you explained the circumstances to me I was filled with happiness so intense at the thought that maybe you felt the same way about me. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was confident that we could make it work and that we would be happy, despite your young age. Then I saw you with Ben, and never again have I let myself be weak. Never again did I care about a woman that way.” He massaged his temples as if trying to rid himself of a migraine. Eva forced herself to stand her ground, stopped herself from trying to relieve the pain now so apparent in his pinched expression.
“Meeting you again…” he stopped trying to find the proper words. “ I had to fight my feelings for you. I don’t believe the feelings I have for you ever disappeared. Even when I was cursing you, and I did my fair share of that, I still cared deeply.”
“Why that promised never to care Jake?” She asked him softly.
“He looked at her, his gaze intense, and she noticed filled with unbridled pain. He told her his story in a low voice. A story that had her crying softly, crying for the pain of a young man, the betrayal of a loving man, and crying for what could have been. Her tears fell unchecked. She grabbed his hand and pressed it tightly against her heart.
“Jake…” she whispered. She hurt so much for that grown man, for what he had to live with; the memories that would remain with him forever. She ached to release him from the emotional prison he lived in.
“I wish I had known. I would have understood your actions better.” She swallowed hard, hesitating to ask the next question
, afraid that once she would have the answer she would regret ever having asked it. “Is it too late for us Jake?”
She misinterpreted the gleam of fear that appeared in his eyes. She closed her eyes trying to stop the pounding of her heart, desperate to avoid the pain once again crashing through her entire body. She couldn’t fight it with anger this time. This time the pain was there, with sole company despair. Against her will, a sob escaped, then another, then more until she was sobbing quietly, her face hidden in her hands.
“Eva?”
She shook her head, unwilling to hear him put into words what she had seen in his eyes.
Jake looked at her devastation. He didn’t understand what he had said to make her react this way. The heart-wrenching sobs tore at his heart. Did she think it was too late for them? Had he really screwed it up completely this time? Did they now have a history of pain too great to be able to ever get over it? NO! He refused to believe that. He was going to win her back, if it took him his whole life. He gently grabbed her shoulder and dragged her into his arms; she went willingly.
“No Eva.” Although he spoke softly, Eva heard the steel behind the words.
“No?” she repeated.
“No, I don’t believe it’s too late for us. And if it takes my life convincing you that we belong together, then so be it. Eva, I never said the words to you, but I want you to know that I love you. I never want to lose you. I need you, only you can make me happy. He lifted her chin, his eyes pleading he continued. “Please, don’t tell me there is no chance you will ever fell the same way I do.”
“Oh Jake…” She brought his mouth down to hers, kissing him deeply.
“Eva, what are you telling me?”
“I am saying I love you. I haven’t stopped loving you since the night I told you and you threw it back in my face. I am saying I need you too, I don’t want to live without you.”
He threw his head back and laughed. The laughter she missed so much. Grinning she stared at him, afraid she would wake up and then discover it was just another one of her dreams.
“Eva, will you marry me?”
Suddenly serious she answered.
“Can you promise to trust me? Do you think you will ever be able not to jump to conclusion when you see something? Because Jake, no matter how much I love you, I don’t think I could say yes if you are still unsure about my feelings.”
“I trust you. I am an idiot for not accepting your innocence as it was. I am not saying I am not afraid because I would be lying but I am willing to put my happiness in your hands and trust you with it, because I know now that you would never deliberately hurt me.”
“Then yes of course I’ll marry you.”
Amazed she looked as a single tear fell down his cheek.
“Eva, you will never know how happy you have just made me.” He could feel years of pain and anguish disappear under her smile. He knew then that love was not a curse but a blessing.
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