In Over Our Heads

by CJane Elliott

  I shuddered again.

  Walter cleared his throat. “He’s certainly welcome to practice today for as long as he’d like. I have the pool booked for the whole day. Patricia is bringing another group in, but there’s room for both. I still have to go over the descent and ascent with all of you and have you practice that. Anthony can stay on after if he wants to keep working at getting comfortable.”

  “Excellent!” Marco beamed, as though everything was solved.

  “But,” Walter continued, “Anthony may not want to scuba dive this time around. I won’t let anyone dive who doesn’t feel ready. And if Anthony doesn’t feel ready, he’s not going in the ocean.”

  “I’m right here, guys.” When everyone looked at me expectantly, I wished I hadn’t spoken. “Um, still not sure what I want to do, though.” I caught Jonathan’s eye, and he put his hand on my shoulder.

  “It’s up to you, Tony. It’s okay if you don’t want to do it. Maybe you should do the extra practice and see how you’re feeling at the end of the day.”

  Sophia put her hand on my other shoulder. “You can do it, caro. Do it with me! I’m scared too, but we’ll get through it together. And think of all the lovely fish.”

  Walter frowned thoughtfully. “If Anthony does end up doing it, I may rethink the buddy pairings. Maybe Marco should be his buddy, given he’s an experienced diver.”

  “No!” It burst out of me before I could even register the stricken expressions on the lovebirds’ faces. “This whole thing is Jonny and Marco’s dream, and no way I’m getting in the way of them doing it together. I’d rather not do it at all.”

  The doors to the pool clanged open, and a tall Amazonian woman in a racer’s suit entered, pulling a wagon full of equipment. “Hey, Walter! You about finished in here?”

  “Hi, Patricia. No, we’re going to work on descent and ascent next, and then some of them may stay on to keep practicing, if that’s okay.”

  “Oh, sure. The more the merrier.”

  Walter turned back to face me. “So what’s it going to be, Anthony? I understand you didn’t come on this trip expecting to scuba dive.”

  “You got that right.” Our eyes met, and something passed between us—a plea on his part (Please don’t! Remember the river) and a warning on mine (Don’t even go there, bub). I crossed my arms, shaking off Jonny’s and Sophia’s hands.

  Walter dropped his gaze. “Yes. Well.” He cleared his throat and said stiffly, “I’d advise you not to try it if you’re not sure. You can always learn on your next trip.”

  I so badly wanted to grasp at the out Walter was offering. I obviously had a good excuse for bailing, even if Marco and Sophia didn’t know what it was. But something rebelled. I would never be physically fearless or even all that emotionally stable. Let’s face it, I was mostly a ditz. I’d been successful at the ad agency because they valued creativity over stability and indulged me in my flightiness. Everything else, other than my cousin and good friends, was ever changing. My hair color, my wardrobe, my sex partners, where I lived. When life got hard, or scary, or even just boring, I’d flit off to something else.

  And now, with Walter standing there ready to indulge my flightiness—in fact, counting on it so he wouldn’t have to worry about keeping me safe—I wanted to do something out of character. I decided to bear down, go beyond my fears, and do this ridiculous scuba-diving adventure.

  “I’m going to do it. I’ll stay and practice until I feel confident.”

  As my group of friends cheered and high-fived me, Walter gave a tight nod. “Okay. I’ll stay with you for as long as you need.” The poor man looked like he’d just signed on to attend his own funeral. Too bad for him. I was doing this thing!

  Chapter SEVEN

  “MARGARITA?” JONATHAN hovered over my supine body with the pitcher.

  “Bring it on, babe.” I held up my glass from the depths of the deck chair I’d collapsed into. We’d gotten back from the diving lesson a half hour before, and I was ready for some serious relaxation.

  The deck of our condo afforded a stellar view of the water, although the real glory of the sunset was going on in the sky behind us. Still, breakers gilded with the rays of a waning sun were pretty breathtaking.

  Jonny filled my glass, then poured himself one and plopped down on the chair next to me. We had the deck to ourselves while Marco and Sophia used the two showers we’d just vacated. After drinks on the deck, we were planning to go to a seafood restaurant someone had recommended.

  I held up my glass to Jonathan in a salute, then took a long sip, savoring the tart sweetness as warmth from the tequila spread through my body.

  “I’m proud of you, Tony.”

  “For what?”

  “You know. For sticking it out. Not giving up once you decided to go for it.”

  Even though I shrugged, I was secretly proud of myself for the same thing. We’d stayed at the pool for another couple of hours as I frustrated everyone with my timidity. But the practice had finally worked. I’d gotten comfortable enough to be able to stay under for minutes at a time without having to flee to the surface. By the end I’d been able to let go of the pool bottom and swim around with my friends circling me and making funny gestures. I’d ignored them, concentrating on “in, out, in, out,” and had managed to stay with it without a panic attack.

  To his credit, Walter had showed incredible patience once he’d realized I was determined to conquer my scuba-diving fears. He’d stayed with me the whole time, guiding me with a steady touch and brief instructions in his deep voice. He’d praised my progress and even said at the end he was proud of me. I’d almost cried because being taken care of by him had felt so good and so… right?

  I told myself to cool it. You’re not looking for a happy ending, remember? You can’t let your guard down. To help with this resolve, I recalled how Walter had acted when we left. He’d reverted to his worried face, his eyebrows all bristly and drawn together as he said a gruff goodbye. Still, he hadn’t said I couldn’t dive tomorrow, so I decided to count today as a win.

  I don’t need Walter to believe in me, I thought as the margarita and the waves worked their soothing magic. As long as I believed in myself. The strains of “I Will Survive” sounded in my mind, and I started boogieing in my chair.

  Jonathan laughed. “What now?” He knew my penchant for dancing to tunes only I could hear.

  I sang a few lines of the chorus.

  “Yes, you’re going to survive just fine, idiot.” Jonathan’s expression was fond. “And think of all the bragging you can do back at work about your scuba-diving adventure.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m an animal!” I flexed my bicep to the sound of Jonny’s chuckles.

  After watching the waves for a time, Jonathan stirred. “Nice that Sophia’s got an admirer, huh?”

  Patricia, the dive instructor who’d come in while we were still trying to get me settled down, had taken a gander at Sophia’s dark beauty and gravitated to her side after getting her own class started and in the water. She was a beauty herself, with her brown skin and fetching accent from her native Barbados.

  “Yep. She’s meeting us for dinner, right?”

  “Right. Hey, do you want to invite your friend to have dinner with us too?”

  At first I was confused, wondering why Jonny was referring to Walter as my “friend.” Then it dawned on me he meant Miles. My God, it seemed like a hundred years since last night. And I’d totally forgotten poor Miles, which was just as well for that child. He did not need me dragging him down.

  “Miles?” I checked. At Jonny’s nod, I said, “That’s not happening.”

  “Oh? Why?”

  I took a breath. “Well, for one thing, he’s way too young. And you know how youngsters sometimes take things too seriously? He was showing all the signs of getting too attached too quick.”

  “Well, what’s wrong with that? Marco and I got attached quickly.” Jonathan’s eyes took on that shiny glaze they always did when he was th
inking about Marco and their romantic cruise-ship fling.

  “That’s different. You two were meant to be. Soul mates. Destined. Not Miles and me.”

  Jonathan refilled our glasses. “Still, it’s not like you to turn down a chance for some… how do you say it? Prime booty?”

  A couple of seagulls swooped by. “Yes. But not with Miles. It’s too complicated.” I paused for a fortifying sip of my drink before I spilled all. “Get this—Walter’s his brother.”

  “What?”

  Jonathan’s shocked response amused me. “Half brother, actually, which is why we never knew about Miles. They lived in different places. But now do you see why I’m not touching sweet Miles with a ten-foot pole?”

  “Not exactly.” Jonny had a knowing smirk that I longed to wipe off his face. “But I suspect it has something to do with Walter Elkins.”

  “What?” I asked, none too convincingly. “Why on earth would you think that, doll?”

  Jonathan just looked at me.

  “Okay, okay.” I pressed my lips together, then huffed out a resentful sigh. “Despite my best efforts, I’m finding that Walter is screwing with my head. He’s impossible, of course. I don’t know what I ever saw in him. But the very fact of his existence is making me turn down one of the most exquisite booty calls ever.”

  “Hmm.”

  “Hmm, what? And what are you smiling for, you traitor?”

  “This is fate, Tony. Just like you told me on the cruise about Marco. You and Walter—together again, with the chance to get it right this time.”

  “Bite your tongue! Get it right? Why should I even bother? He’s the one who screwed everything up!” I almost knocked my drink over in my agitation. “Why are you even talking like it’s a possibility? All he’s done is growl at me since we got here.”

  “Not today.”

  “That’s because he doesn’t want me dying on his watch.”

  Jonny regarded the ocean thoughtfully. “It’s more than that, though. He can’t keep his eyes off you.” He turned a scrutinizing gaze on me. “And look at yourself. You’re in pretty deep.”

  I wanted to deny it, but Jonathan had always been able to see right through me. “Yeah, okay. I’m… affected by him. So what?”

  “Well, isn’t it unbelievable that you two ran into each other like this? What are the odds? And if things end up working out between you and Walter, that would be… what do you always call it? Karmic.”

  Well, shoot. Talk about karmic—it was pretty karmic to have my cuz turning my own words of fairy-tale endings against me. He’d been so upset with me insisting that he and Marco were meant to be after everything went to shit between them at the end of the cruise. It’d all turned out, though. Epic winning of the prince, and now married and living happily ever after. But for him to think that Walter and I had a snowball’s chance in hell of the same ending was laughable. Wasn’t it? I didn’t even want that. Did I? I shouldn’t want it. A stronger person wouldn’t want it.

  “All I’m saying is what you always say—the universe brought you two together again for a reason. And I don’t believe it’s so you guys can screw it up a second time.”

  I opened my mouth for another weak denial, but closed it when Sophia and Marco provided a welcome distraction by emerging from the condo, so stunning in their dinner outfits I began to reevaluate the electric blue blazer and canary yellow linen pants I was sporting. I’d been going for Don Johnson’s Miami Vice vibe, and thought I’d pulled it off pretty successfully, pushed-up sleeves and all.

  But the Pellegrinis were a different matter altogether. They had the classic looks of their Italian heritage—think Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni. Sophia wore one of my favorite sundresses of hers—it had big orange poppies and fit her curves like a glove. Marco had on the crimson raw-silk shirt I remembered from the cruise, paired with beautifully tailored dress pants and some rocking Italian sandals. His still-damp curls stirred in the breeze. Jesus. I knew he was my cousin’s husband, but I couldn’t help but stare. Beauty must be appreciated. Also, I was horny. Poor me.

  “What are you two talking about?” Marco asked after he and Sophia settled into deck chairs. “Ah, thank you, honey,” he added when Jonathan poured him a margarita.

  “The karmic coincidence of Walter and Anthony ending up in the same place at the same time.”

  “Aha. So tell us more, Anthony. Jonathan says Walter was your first boyfriend.”

  I gave Jonny a nasty side-eye, because Marco getting interested in my pathetic past was the last thing I needed. “Yes. But I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  “Hmm. I take it things didn’t work out.”

  I gulped down the rest of my drink and held out my glass for more. “That’s putting it mildly. He dumped me after I almost died, and then he cut off all communication.”

  Marco leaned forward, eyebrows drawn together. “Back up. Almost died?”

  Drat and double drat. I sank back in my seat and said to Jonny, “You tell them.”

  “Um, this was the summer after Tony’s senior year in high school. He and Walter went swimming in a river, and Tony got his foot caught on a root and almost drowned. Walter rescued him and got him to the hospital.”

  “Oh my goodness, caro!” Sophia turned big eyes on me. “No wonder you didn’t want to try scuba diving.”

  “Yeah.” I shrugged. “I’m okay about that now. But having Walter be the instructor is fucking odd.”

  Marco nodded. “Understandable. But let me say how impressed I am that you’re willing to learn to scuba dive, given your history. That’s courageous.”

  I swallowed over the lump in my throat. “Well, thanks.”

  “But what is this about Walter cutting off communication?”

  Jonathan sighed. “After the accident, Walter took off, and he… he got all weird and didn’t even talk to Anthony. Just left him in the dust.” He bit his lip, and I wondered if he was reconsidering his rosy words about second chances.

  “Well, we talked one other time a few months after the accident. But all he did was dump me again. This trip is the first time I’ve seen him or talked to him in twelve years.”

  “Oh, Anthony.” Sophia put a hand on my shoulder. “That’s awful! How sad for you. I can’t believe Walter would do such a thing!”

  Anger boiled up. “Well, believe it. So excuse me if I’m not jumping up and down because the universe brought us together again.”

  “You have every right to be angry,” Marco said.

  I sat up straighter. “Yeah. Okay. Thank you for saying that.” Then I slumped. His simple acknowledgment seemed to drain the anger out of me, and longing took its place. “The thing is, it’s hard to stay angry with him. I wish he hadn’t screwed me over. I wish I could let go of the past, because Jonny’s right—it’s pretty karmic that we’re back in each other’s lives. And I’m fucking drawn to him like some moth to a flame.”

  “It may be karmic, but don’t even think about getting back with him until Walter accounts for what he did.”

  I stared. “Right.”

  Sophia started in with, “But you’ve both changed. And Walter seems like a good person, don’t you think? You two just need to talk and—”

  Marco held up his hand to stop her as he pinned me with a steely gaze. “You hear what I’m saying, Antonio? He needs to make amends. You deserve to be treated like the prince you are.”

  “Oh, stop. Prince? Hardly!” My scoffing covered how moved I was at Marco’s encouragement. I set down my empty glass and blinked away tears, then pasted on a bright smile. “But enough of this drama! Who’s ready for dinner? I’m starving!”

  “YOUR GROUP ready?” Walter handed Patricia another wetsuit.

  “Thanks.” She added it to the stack of gear they were readying for tomorrow’s dives. “Yes, everyone’s in good shape. How about yours? That one guy gonna be okay? The blond skinny one whose name I forget?”

  Walter pressed his lips together for a second. “Anthony
. Yes, I think so.” I hope to God so.

  “Good. The rest of his group did fine.” Patricia’s eyes sparkled. “I’m having dinner with them tonight.”

  “What? You’re having dinner with Anthony?” Walter clutched the fin he was holding.

  Patricia laughed. “Not really. I’m having dinner with the beautiful Sophia, Anthony’s friend. But Anthony and the rest will be there too.”

  “Oh.” Walter dropped the fin and tried to catch a breath. “Um, is Miles going?”

  “Miles? Not as far as I know. Why?”

  “No reason. He’s been hanging around with them. I, um, I may need him at the bar tonight.”

  “Is he on the dive tomorrow?”

  “No. He’s staffing a snorkeling cruise.” Walter had made sure to schedule Miles for something other than Anthony’s dive. He would have enough on his mind without having to see Miles and Anthony together again.

  Patricia threw one more mask on the pile. “That’s the last of it.” She stretched, then took her phone out of her pocket. “It’s Sophia. They’re almost here.”

  “You go ahead. I’ll lock up.” Walter planned to take his time, the better not to run into Anthony or his friends. The better not to feel jealous that Walter wasn’t having dinner with them too. No, the possibility of ever having dinner with Anthony again was slim. Walter had seen to that twelve years ago.

  After Patricia left, Walter sat in his office staring unseeingly at some paperwork. He still stood by his decision to take himself out of Anthony’s life. Walter hadn’t been good for him. He hadn’t been able to keep Anthony safe. But seeing him this week—so lively, so funny, so… Anthony—had shaken Walter’s convictions. Seeing Anthony was dangerous for them both, because Walter had a good mind to forget the past. And that would be reckless.

  Talk about reckless—Walter was already about to do something incredibly risky. Tomorrow he was going to help Anthony do his first dive. After all they’d been through, it seemed surreal that life had brought them to this place. He took a deep breath. If it had to happen, Walter was the best one to keep Anthony from danger. And Anthony was going to do fine. What Walter had told Anthony at the end of the pool practice had been the truth: Walter was proud of him for persisting in the face of his fear. Now it was up to Walter to do the same. And then he could be done with this terrible week.