“And it seemed like things were good after that?”
My heart ached as memories of our magical night on the boat flooded in. “Oh, yes. He told me I was amazing and the only one for him. We… it was good.”
“But then what happened?” Marco frowned.
“He told me to go away. I tried to talk to him, and he turned me down flat. That’s why I’m not talking to him now. I don’t want to go through that again.” More tears threatened, and I took a deep breath to stave them off.
Jonny muttered, “Creep,” which made me want to hug him.
“I wonder what’s really going on with Walter,” Marco mused in an infuriatingly calm manner. “He apologized for the past. He’s certainly in love with you. But he’s acting like some scared child.”
“In… in love with me?”
“No question. Despite all evidence to the contrary.”
Jonny nodded. “Of course he is, Tony.”
“But….” But nothing. Memories rose of Walter’s constant gaze, his eyes following me as I flitted and flirted. I remembered him saying with that burning intensity that I was the only one for him. Miles had told me at one point that he’d never seen Walter with anyone else. The guy loved me. So why didn’t he want to be with me? It made no sense.
“It doesn’t make sense,” Jonathan said, in an eerie echo of my thoughts. “Walter is such a great guy, and you love each other. Why would he not want to be with you?”
“Maybe he’s… what’s that saying? He’s just not that into me.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case.” Marco pursed his lips and steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. If I hadn’t been so miserable, I’d have been flattered that he was bringing all his executive-level thinking power to bear on my sorry situation. “What did he say, specifically, the last time you talked? What was his reasoning behind telling you it was over?”
I racked my brain, trying to remember exactly what Walter had said. “He kept harping on not being good for me and not wanting to hurt me again. And keeping me safe. He’s still hung up on the time I almost drowned and he blamed himself, even though he rescued me and I was fine.”
“Did I ever tell you the way Walter acted when you were in the hospital? Before he took off?” Jonny asked.
“No. Wait—he was at the hospital? When you said he took off I thought he never even came in.”
“No, he came in.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that? All this time I’ve been thinking he dumped me at the curb or something.”
“God, no. I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t tell you more because I didn’t want to upset you. Because Walter was destroyed in the hospital, sobbing, with your mom trying to comfort him. He stayed until they told him you’d be all right—then he ran out of there. I always thought that Walter was desperately in love with you. I still do.”
My throat constricted, and I folded my arms against the pain. “He sure has a funny way of showing it.”
“That’s true.”
Marco was staring across the room. “Hmm. Walter strikes me as an overly cautious man who takes his responsibilities to others quite seriously. It makes him a great captain, though, certainly the one I’d want driving the boat and getting people ready for diving. He’s quite logical and composed most of the time. Except about you, Antonio. And that must be challenging for him, and probably frightening.” Marco gave a slight smile and glanced beyond me to Jonathan. “I understand the feeling.”
“Well, he does have some things that happened in his past that he told me about. Things that he blames himself for and made him afraid of hurting people. But I thought that him telling me would, you know, free him. I don’t know if that’s what the problem is now. Okay. So I came along, not once but twice, and frightened him enough that he ran? Is that the… the ‘takeaway’ from all this?”
“I can’t believe that he’s done, no matter how badly he’s handling things. That’s all. And it will probably help him in his… process for you to get in touch. Send him a little encouragement.”
In the flash of anger at the unjustness of it all—why did I always have to be the one?—I remembered something. “Um… he did say something about needing more time. Something about asking me to give him time.” I cringed, remembering how I’d snapped at him and delivered an ultimatum, basically backing him into a corner. I’d had every right to be angry, but….
“Exactly.” Marco gave a satisfied nod. “That’s the kind of man Walter is. He takes his time to figure these things out.” He touched my arm. “But he can’t figure them out on his own, Antonio. You’re his inspiration. His muse. He needs to know that you’re still with him, even if you’re apart right now.” His face grew soft, and a smile played over his mouth. “I’ll never forget getting those flowers from Jonathan after the cruise, after I’d told him to go away. That’s when I knew it wasn’t hopeless.”
From the looks those two were exchanging over my head, I knew we’d need to wrap up this little therapy session so they could get a room. I cleared my throat. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“Good, Tony,” Jonathan said. “You know what I think—you two are meant for each other.” He smiled. “It was so amazing that we walked into his bar.”
I narrowed my eyes at his dreamy expression. “If you say ‘destiny’ one more time, I’m going to kill you.” But I couldn’t help smiling at my sweet cousin. “Thanks, guys.”
As I walked out of the foundation, a strong conviction landed on my head. It came out of nowhere, or maybe from the gods of romance and happy endings. My whirlwind of emotions cleared, and suddenly I was wise, as though I’d been handed a sacred scroll of knowledge.
What did I know? I knew that Walter loved me—wholly, unequivocally, and with every fiber of his being. Despite all evidence to the contrary, as Marco had said. I also knew that his “I hurt people” story had him by the balls. And I knew that there was nothing in God’s blue ocean and no one on God’s green earth that could free him of that story. I certainly couldn’t do it. The only one who could do that was Walter himself.
But that seemed to be what he was trying to spit out that last day when he’d pleaded with me for time. That he wanted to work it out. And he needed me to reassure him. I was his muse, according to Marco. And Marco was rarely wrong.
I whipped out my phone and sent him a text. Everything’s okay. I know you love me. I think we’ve been lovers for the past 200 lifetimes! I know you never meant to hurt me even when you did. I love you and I’ll wait for you, now and forever.
Might as well blow it out of the water. Smiling at the thought of Walter’s face when he read that, I sashayed down the sidewalk with a hopeful spring in my step.
Chapter FOUR
“FOR A genius, you sure are stupid.”
Walter jumped, then turned in his desk chair to see Miles scowling at him. He sighed. Weariness rose and emerged as a huge yawn. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately. Lately? For the last two months, ever since he’d watched from inside the dive shop as Anthony got into that car and drove away. “What now?”
“Oh, come on. You know what. When are you going to get off your butt and go to Boston? Do you think Anthony’s gonna wait around forever?”
“I… what makes you think I’m considering that? Besides, things are busy around here. It’s not a good time to leave.”
He didn’t need Miles’s eye roll to realize he was being illogical at best and a coward at worst. He went to bed every night berating himself for every wrong thing he’d done, how he’d let people—including Anthony—down at the critical moments, wondering how to keep from ever doing that again. Conclusion? Retire from the human race. And because he couldn’t do that, he went around and around in an endless loop. A lonely endless loop. Before Anthony had come back into his life, he’d been relatively content. He had a pretty good life, all things considered. But Anthony had reentered the scene and left a big crater where Walter’s heart had been.
“The thing I st
ill don’t understand is why.”
“Why what?” Walter asked, although he knew.
“Why you let Anthony get away. Wait, ‘get away’ is too nice. You fucking sent him away! Why?”
Lots of excuses ran through Walter’s mind, but he settled on the truth. “I sent him away because I’m not good for him.”
“What does that even mean? He seemed pretty damn happy when you guys got together again.”
“It’s… I’m bad for people. I end up hurting them.”
“How? That makes no sense at all. Oh. You mean the time Anthony almost drowned in the river?”
Walter tried not to wince. “That. And….” He sighed. Might as well tell Miles what he’d already told Anthony. “It’s a long story. You sure you have time for it?”
In answer, Miles scooped up the pile of invoices occupying the spare chair, dumped them unceremoniously on the floor, and looked expectantly at him. “Lay it on me.”
As Walter told Miles about Roland and Adrian and how those events had made him the way he was, he grew increasingly uncomfortable. Something felt off. And Miles wasn’t helping, the way disbelief kept flitting over his face along with sympathy. He finally ground to a halt. “What? What are you thinking?”
“You really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“So what you’re saying is you’re to blame for Roland’s and Adrian’s deaths because you failed to keep them safe. Is that it?”
Walter didn’t care for the skepticism in Miles’s voice. “That’s right.”
“And you’re afraid that you’ll do the same thing to Anthony, like you did when you guys went to the river that time. Twelve years ago when you were seventeen.”
“Um, yeah.”
“And that’s why you’re not pursuing Anthony and figuring out a way to be together, even though you all are the loves of each other’s lives.”
Walter’s throat tightened, and he nodded. It sounded pretty illogical coming out of Miles’s mouth.
“You idiot.”
“Excuse me?”
Miles stared at him like he was a dolt. “I can’t believe you’re letting this… this caca from the past get in the way of being with Tony!”
“It’s not caca. It happened.” Walter tried one more justification. “And when Anthony was here and I ignored the hurricane warnings, I almost got him killed again.”
“You almost got yourself killed, you mean. And I believe you’re forgetting one fact—Tony saved you that time. So stop this. You gave up on him before, and now you have your second chance. Really, big brother, do not tell me you’re okay with screwing it up a second time.”
“I—”
“And you know what else? You’re making it sound all noble, like you’re only thinking of Tony and keeping him safe or some shit, and that’s just bull. You’re the one you’re keeping safe!”
Walter decided not to grace that ridiculous notion with an answer. “What do you propose I do? Even if I wanted to be with Anthony, he lives in Boston and I live here.”
“Oh, give me a break. Figure it out! You could turn over your businesses and move to Boston. You could ask Tony to move here.” Miles pushed back from the desk with an impatient movement and stood. “Don’t let your sad-sack story about how bad you are for people stop you from being with him.”
“Who says he still wants to be with me?”
“He does. Believe me. But if you don’t get your shit together and go get him back, you never deserved him in the first place.”
And with that, Miles stalked from the office, leaving Walter to ponder dark thoughts as he stared at his desk.
The door opened, and he raised his head to see Miles poking his head in. “Talk to him. He’ll help you figure it out.” Then the door slammed behind him, and Walter sighed.
No matter how much Walter wanted to hold on to the conviction that he wasn’t good for Anthony, the alternative—a life without Anthony—was far worse. He’d had that life. Then Anthony had come back, and the random forces of fate or the universe had given them another chance. It was ludicrous to ignore such a gift just so he could avoid something bad happening again. Life was a crapshoot, no matter how much Walter wished he could control it.
But it had been two months now of Walter not being in touch. What were the odds that Anthony had already moved on?
He went out to the dock to work on the boats, hoping the air and the water would help clear his mind. An hour later, after getting in the car to drive home, Walter noticed a text on his phone. It must have come in while he was on the dock. His heart went into overdrive when he saw it was from Anthony. He read it. He read it again. And again. And was glad he was in his car where no one could see him crying.
Back at the houseboat, Walter pondered what the best response should be. The sketch Anthony had done of him and Melissa was still stuck to the refrigerator, and he walked over to get a closer look. Anthony. He needed to respond—and quickly. He finally sent a text that simply said Thank you for not giving up on me. More to come. Fear tried to worm its way in, but he was paying it no mind now. His gaze fell on the conch shell, and he knew what he was going to do next.
Chapter FIVE
THE DAY after I sent Walter that fateful text and had gotten his response, I was telling Sophia about it on the phone as I came home from work.
“Doll, yes I did!” I smiled as I pushed open the lobby door. “I don’t know what possessed me, but I told him we’d been lovers for two hundred years!” I laughed at her squawking response. “I know! You don’t have to tell me, hon. He sent me back a totally Walter text—‘thank you for not giving up on me’ and ‘more to come.’ Soooo cute, I—” The person at the desk hailed me, holding up an object. “—Hold on, they have a package for me.”
When I saw the Key West postmark, a thrill went through me.
“Ohmigod, cara, it’s from Walter! Already! Call you back.”
I zoomed up to my apartment, feeling the package and hefting it in my hands, trying to figure out the contents. It wasn’t very heavy, and I couldn’t imagine what it was. But I was doubly thrilled that Walter had gotten something to me via overnight express. Wow! If I’d known a simple text would get that much of a response, I’d have sent one ages ago.
Unwrapping the package took some doing because Walter had wrapped it so thoroughly. Finally, after using scissors and carefully slicing through, I pulled open the flaps to reveal… something. Something swaddled in bubble wrap. Laughing at how typical this painstaking wrapping job was of Walter, I finally unraveled enough to reveal a small object. Walter’s shell. The beautiful pink shell he’d found when he’d started his new Life 2.0 in Key West.
“Oh, Walter,” I breathed, and my eyes prickled. Then I spied a small piece of paper. I snatched it up, and his lovely words made me cry. I’m working on Life 3.0. You’re worth it. All my love, W.
So was I supposed to wait now? Like Marco did for Jonny and Jonny did for Marco? Fuck that! I grabbed the phone and called him.
“Uh… Anthony?”
“Of course it’s Anthony, you dear silly man! Walter! I just got your shell! Aw, honey, I’m crying over here! What a sweet thing to do. It made me sooo happy!”
I paused so the poor man could get a word in edgewise.
“I’m glad it made you happy. Thanks for your text. I….”
For once I didn’t butt in, just hummed encouragingly as I silently drummed my fingers on the table.
“I really miss you.”
“I miss you too.” Clamping down on the paragraphs I wanted to say, I waited again for him to speak.
“Anthony, I… I’ve been… well, I haven’t thought I’d be good for you.”
Tell me something I don’t know, I thought, but I only said, “I remember you saying that.”
“I… I know it’s illogical. And… I do want to be with you.”
“Okay. Great! Then let’s figure things out! Life 3.0 and all that. What’s it going to take?” I grabbed my notepad and pen
, ready to make a list and get this show on the road.
“Uh, like you said before, we have some logistical problems to solve.”
“Doll, so true! Can you come up to Boston soon so we can hash them out?”
Another lengthy pause, during which I recalled him telling me he hadn’t been to Boston in years. But surely now he’d come? For me? For us?
“I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”
“Why not?”
“Could you come to Key West?”
“I could. Of course, I could! But just so I’m clear… is your coming to Boston, even just to visit, completely out of the question?”
“At this point? Yes.”
It was my turn to fall silent. My mind whirled, and second thoughts crept in. Was I actually going to hitch my life to a guy who let the past cripple him as much as Walter did? He couldn’t come to Boston, even to visit? Seriously? Just because he’d had a big failure and a big falling out with his parents? I couldn’t comprehend it, even though I prided myself on being an empathetic person.
My eyes fell on the conch shell, and I got furious. “Listen, Walter. I’m just going to give it to you straight. You’re being a weenie. You’re the guy who pulled up stakes and made a whole new life for yourself. You’re strong! And you know what?” I added as a sudden insight occurred. “I don’t believe this thing about you having to protect me from you. You act like it’s all for my benefit, you not getting involved, but it’s not. It’s for you!”
“What do you mean? I did want to keep you safe—”
“Oh, pooh! I think you’re trying to protect yourself! You’re so terrified of losing what you love that you’re putting all these barriers up so you won’t have to go through that. But I have news for you, big boy—Boston isn’t going to hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you. The only one who’s hurting you right now is your damn self.”
I waited to hear the click as he hung up on me. My hand itched to pick up his damn shell and hurl it against the wall. But then I heard a low chuckle.
In Over Our Heads Page 19