“As you have not hesitated to point out. Over and over again. Nonetheless”—she met his gaze directly—“I intend to proceed without interference from you or anyone.”
Dimitri shook his head. “Your father would not approve, nor would your brother.”
“My father has been ill and Alexei has been far too busy countering the efforts of our cousin to seize power to concern himself with my affairs.”
It was the truth as far as it went. Alexei, crown prince and heir to the throne of Avalonia, had indeed been forced of late to occupy his every waking moment with quelling the seeds of unrest sown by their cousin, the Princess Valentina. It still rankled that Tatiana had been allowed no part in that. Indeed, she had been sent away for her own safety, even though her father was still ill and she would much preferred to have stayed.
Alexei’s latest letter, along with dispatches and official correspondence for Dimitri, had reached her in France and told of his success in thwarting Valentina, thanks to the unexpected help of their English cousin, Viscount Beaumont. The king’s health was much improved and all was again well at home. As for her brother Nikolai, he would probably applaud her efforts, but he was traveling the continent and she had no idea where he was. Besides, this was her quest, and hers alone.
Although Alexei’s recent trip to England this past spring had been successful in reuniting the English branch of the House of Pruzinsky, he had not located the missing jewels. Tatiana was determined to succeed where he had failed.
“Regardless—”
“There is nothing more to be said on the matter.” Her tone was hard and unyielding.
“There is a great deal more to be said,” Dimitri muttered, then sighed. “At least you have chosen someone to assist you who appears to be an honorable sort. From what I have learned of this Matthew Weston, he was considered an excellent officer, his naval career was distinguished and his family’s reputation is impeccable, even if he does not acknowledge his heritage.”
Tatiana vaguely remembered Matthew mentioning a rift with his family but until recently she had had no idea he was the youngest son of a marquess. It had simply not come up in the bare week—in truth, a mere six days—they had spent together.
“He is also considered quite clever, at least among those other idiots—”
Tatiana slanted him a sharp glance.
“Forgive me, Your Highness.” Dimitri’s lips tightened. “I meant to say inventors or entrepreneurs or… is dreamers acceptable?”
As annoying as the sarcasm in his voice was, she could not suppress a slight smile. “The path to the future has always been led by dreamers, and I daresay always shall be.”
“So be it. As I was saying, he is thought of highly among his fellow dreamers who are possessed by the idea of sailing the skies. They are a competitive lot, yet they acknowledge Weston as a man with a great deal of promise.”
“Thorough, as always, Dimitri,” she said mildly. “Even if your investigation went beyond the limits of my request.”
His brows pulled together. “You cannot think I would allow you to undertake this ridiculous quest of yours without—”
“You do not allow me—”
“I do not even know how you are acquainted with this man, or why you see fit to involve him, or the circumstances—”
“That is quite enough, Captain.” Her voice was sharp, imperious and startling even to her.
Surprise washed across Dimitri’s face. She never called him Captain.
“I have made my decision. You may accept it or not, but you have neither the power nor the authority to deter me.” She studied him coolly. “I will, however, give you the choice of remaining in London as a precaution should I require your assistance or returning to Avalonia.”
His eyes narrowed. “If I return home, you can rest assured I will be back in six weeks or less with orders from your father to stop you from this foolishness.”
She lifted her chin slightly and met his gaze with a direct and steady stare. “Perhaps. But I am an adult of five and twenty years and fully capable of making my own choices in life.”
“You are also a subject of the king, and if your father—”
“I am a hereditary princess of Avalonia.” She emphasized each word in a deliberate manner he could not fail to understand. “I am third in line to rule. And here and now, in this place and time, I am your sovereign.” She met his gaze and held her breath, knowing full well if he challenged her, the courage it had taken her so long to develop might well fail. “So what is it to be, Captain? Will you stay in England or run home to tell tales about the misadventures of your princess?”
He stared for a long moment. At last he blew a resigned breath. “You have changed, Princess. There is a sense of resolve about you I have not seen before.”
“I have a purpose in my life now, Dimitri. I know what I want and I am determined to get it.”
“It is more than that.” He studied her carefully. “You have always been somewhat quiet, never given to demands or orders, but your manner is different now. You no longer hesitate to take matters into your own hands. It is as if you have at last grown into your position.”
“Have I?” She raised a brow. Only this childhood friend would dare to be so presumptuous. “And is that good or dreadful?”
“I noticed it first perhaps a year ago.” He continued as if he had not heard, as if he were trying to work out a puzzle. “At the time, I wondered if you had at last started anew and laid the past to rest.”
“Along with my late husband,” she said dryly.
“But in recent days, since you have made me aware of your plans, I have come to realize the change in your manner dated more precisely to the week in Paris when you disappeared. When we did not know where you were. If you had been abducted or killed or—”
“Dimitri.” Her voice carried a warning he ignored.
His brow furrowed and he spoke more to himself than to her. “And you adamantly refused to discuss your absence. It was the first time I can recall you ever issuing a royal command. Of course, we were simply grateful you were unharmed, and it scarcely mattered where you had been. Whom you had—”
Realization lit his eyes. “I have been a fool. That is when you met this man, is it not?”
Denial was pointless. “Yes.”
“I see.” Dimitri considered her thoughtfully. She had known him her entire life and knew enough to brace herself now. “Then tell me, Princess.” He leaned closer, his voice low, confidential, accusing. “Is it the Heavens you want, or”—his gaze searched hers—“the man?”
Her hand itched to slap his face. She summoned all her restraint and forced a cold smile. “You forget yourself, Captain. Do not let our friendship blind you to the fact that I can have you reduced in rank, imprisoned or even, if I so wish, shot.”
“Forgive me, Your Highness.” Shock colored Dimitri’s voice. “I did indeed overstep my bounds.”
“Yes, you did.” She leaned toward him and lowered her voice. “I would, of course, never do such a thing, but you would be wise to realize that I could.”
“Indeed I would.” He paused.
“Yes?”
“May I speak frankly?”
Guilt washed away her brief sense of triumph and she sighed. “You always have.”
“Perhaps, but you have never threatened to have me shot before.”
“Never?” She smiled to lighten the moment.
“Never.” He shook his head. “You wield your power now with a firm hand. You have not done so in the past. It is somewhat disquieting.”
“I imagine it is. Like discovering a puppy has learned to bite.” She reached out and laid her gloved hand over his. “You and Katerina are now, and always have been, my dearest—my only—real friends. But Dimitri, is it not past time that I use the power that is my birthright to take my life, my destiny, into my own hands?”
He stared at her as if she were speaking a language unknown to him. “You have responsibilities�
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“And have I not lived up to them? Have I not always, always done exactly what was expected of me? Without question or protest or hesitation? From my public demeanor to my most private relationships, have I not always been”—she searched for the right words—“for the most part perfect?”
“Princess, I—”
“Consider my life for a moment. Was I not betrothed as a child to the son of an ally of my father’s for the purposes of politics? And even though Phillipe’s country was no longer independent and the alliance between our families no longer necessary, did I not wed him anyway because my father, my king, had given his word?”
And did I not give him my heart as well? Tatiana removed her hand from Dimitri’s and straightened.
“And was I not a good and faithful wife even as he had no understanding of such qualities himself?” Anger too long restrained surged through her. “Did I not pretend I was unaware of the indiscretions he took no pains to hide? Did I not ignore that I was the subject of gossip and pity and humiliation?” She tried and failed to keep a bitter note from her voice. “You knew, did you not?”
Dimitri’s jaw clenched. His gaze met hers and he drew a deep breath. “I—”
“No.” She waved away his response. “It is unfair of me to expect an answer. Your loyalty and desire for my protection would never have allowed you to be the bearer of such news. But I am well aware that you and everyone in the court, perhaps everyone in the country, knew of Phillipe’s dalliances.”
“He has been dead for nearly three years now, Princess,” Dimitri said quietly.
“Yes. A tragic accident.” But she, and no doubt most of the world, knew Phillipe’s horse would not have thrown him had the creature not been panicked by the gunshots fired by an angry husband encountering Phillipe bidding his latest, and his last, conquest farewell. “And I did exactly what was expected, mourning the official, and so very proper, length of time. Yet even as such pretense ends, the anger lingers.”
“Perhaps it is time to put the past behind you. To forgive or least forget.”
“You misunderstand. My anger is not directed at Phillipe but at myself. Phillipe, was… I do not know.” She shrugged. She had long ago accepted the truth of her husband’s character. “Perhaps he could have been a better man married to someone else. As it was, he was weaker in nature than even I.” She shook her head. “You see, while he was not my choice, I was silly enough to trust my heart to him.”
“I did not know.”
“Few did, and to my credit, such affection did not last long. Still, it is not easy to accept or forgive your own foolishness. And therein lies the anger.”
“You were never foolish.”
“Dear Dimitri, you have always been a poor liar, and I do appreciate it. I was extremely foolish.”
He looked as if he were about to speak, then thought better of it.
“Yes?”
“A matter of curiosity, nothing more.”
“Go on. What is it you wish to know now? I promise I will not have you shot.” She grinned. “Today.”
“Then it is perhaps worth the risk.” He smiled dryly. “Still, as I have been chastised once already for my impertinence, I shall hold my tongue.”
“And if you did not,” she said slowly, “what would you ask?”
“Simply if you are still foolish enough to give your heart to a man who is not worthy of it.”
“Your instincts are correct as always. It is a presumptuous question and you are wise to refrain from asking.”
“I thought as much.” He touched his fingers to the rim of his hat, nodded and directed his horse to join the riders up ahead.
It was an irony of their relationship. He was one of the few people in the world she counted as friend, yet that friendship could only go so far. Regardless of the frank nature of today’s discussion and so many in the past, there were boundaries between princess and subject he would never cross. Boundaries she would never push.
Matthew had never treated her as royalty. He had treated her as a woman. A desirable woman. It had been a unique and thoroughly wonderful experience. Oh certainly she had usurped Katerina’s position, claiming to be nothing more than a companion to royalty when she and the dashing lord had first met. And loved. Even so, today, knowing her true identity, he treated her no differently than he had last year. Aside from the chill in his manner, of course, and the touch of disdain in his eye.
It would be hard, if not impossible, to win his heart again. But in this too she was determined to succeed.
Katerina edged her horse to Tatiana’s side. “My cousin does not look happy.”
Tatiana uttered a short laugh. “I can scarce recall the last time he did look happy.”
“His responsibilities weigh heavily on him. And he is concerned for you.”
“I am well aware of that. And I do appreciate his concern. However—”
“However, he does not know as much as he thinks he knows: the true purpose of your quest. That, no doubt, is for the best.” Katerina studied her. “And what of your Lord Weston? Was your reunion successful?”
“My Lord Matthew, actually. I do like the way the my part of it sounds. However, I cannot say I could term our meeting successful.” Tatiana smiled ruefully. “He did not throw me out, but he has not agreed to my proposal.” She met her friend’s gaze with confidence. “But he will.”
“Did you tell him about the Heavens?”
“Not yet.”
“Did you tell him—”
“No.”
“Perhaps you should simply tell him the truth.”
“No.” Tatiana shook her head. “I suspect he is not entirely certain as to his feelings about me at the present, which I think is a very good beginning. But he is not ready, and, to be honest, neither am I. I would wager he has spent a great deal of time hating me and I dare not give him another reason to continue.”
“Would he?”
“I do not know.” Even as she said the words, she realized there was much about Matthew she did not know. Yet it did not matter. Somewhere, deep within her, she knew all she had to about this man she had loved once and never stopped loving.
“I can scarce blame Dimitri for his concern.” Worry showed in Katerina’s eyes. “I too fear for you. It is a hazardous game you play with this man. Do not forget, when you left him he did not come after you.”
“I have forgotten nothing.” It did bother her that Matthew had not moved heaven and earth to find her, although she could hardly blame him, given the abrupt nature of her departure. Still, today he had known her true identity. He had obviously cared enough to discover at least that.
“You could lose much.”
“But I could gain the world, and that, dear Katerina, is what makes it worthwhile.” Matthew’s words rang in her head. “And exciting. The risk. The gamble. Knowing your very heart is at stake. I have never known such excitement. Or such passion. Or such—”
“Love,” Katerina said simply.
“Love.” Tatiana nodded.
From the moment she had met the adventurous Englishman with the flirtatious manner and amused look in his eye, she had been unequivocally and irrevocably in love. Their days together were as sharp in her memory as if they had happened yesterday.
In the first moment of rebellion of her entire life, she had escaped the confines of companions and escorts and rank, slipping away from the Paris hotel that housed the Avalonian contingent. It was highly improper, more than a little dangerous, and she had loved every reckless minute. It was as if, having left the encumbrances of her title behind, she had left the position behind as well. She was not the Princess Tatiana, heir to the throne of Avalonia, but simply the woman: Tatiana Pruzinsky. And she reveled in it.
She would have thought that alone was responsible for her immediate attraction to the bold, brash stranger selling balloon ascensions in a Paris park, especially as she was feeling rather bold and brash herself, a completely different person from the quiet,
dutiful creature she had always been. But even the giddy sensation of floating above the treetops, of sheer unadulterated freedom, paled in comparison to the intoxication of being in his arms and later in his bed.
And in his life.
She and Matthew had explored parts of the ancient city she would never have been privy to without his company on the ground and, even better, in the air. And more, they explored each other. Their hopes, their dreams, their very souls. She had never known absolute happiness before, had never suspected mere mortals could laugh so much, could share such joy.
Later, she would wonder how she had managed to reveal so much of herself without revealing her identity, and realized who she was to the rest of the world was not as important as who she was to him and to herself. She had never tasted freedom like this of both spirit and body, and she would never be the same.
When she had first left her companions, she had not planned to be gone more than a few hours, but an afternoon had turned to an evening, a night to a morn, nearly a week in all. A passage of time she had barely noted. It was not until she had vowed to love him forever that the unyielding sword of reality had struck with a relentless blow and she knew she could not stay with him unless she first settled the rest of her life. She could not abandon the responsibilities of her position to her country or her family as easily as she had slipped out of her hotel rooms.
Their days together were a glorious dream built on passion and desire and unexpected, unremitting love, but built as well on deceit. She could not bear to tell him the truth and she accepted now, as she did then, the cowardice of her actions. She had left his bed and his life with no more than a note about duty she knew full well was insufficient. A note that released him from further obligation to her. She had wanted to pour her heart out on that paper. Reveal the truth about herself and confess how much he had changed her life and how very much she loved him and vow she would return. But she did not want to make another promise she might not be able to keep.
Yet in the fifteen months, three weeks and four days since she had vanished from his life, the power of the love they had shared had not dimmed but had in fact grown stronger. Strong enough to finally overcome a lifetime of perfect behavior, of the weakness of not questioning the life laid out for her. When she had learned the jewels that were hers to wear and indeed to protect, as a hereditary princess of Avalonia, were imitation and the real gems had been long since lost, she had seized upon it.
Her Highness, My Wife Page 3