She would do anything they wanted if they just didn't leave her all alone anymore. She cried and cried, pleading and begging for someone to let her out. No one heard; no one listened. Only by sheer determination did she endure her fourth session in isolation. During that terrible period, she had lost all sense of time and sometimes reality, retreating into her own fantasies for comfort and companionship.
Natar came out of her cell in a state of shock. She was emotionally starved for any kind word or thought. From there, her instructors proceeded to reprogram her and mold her thinking until she became meek and subdued level ten psion. She was released from the Institute several years later when she was no longer considered a threat to Normal Aledan society.
The experience left Natar with a well of emptiness inside that ate at her soul for years. She buried her psi powers from her thoughts and tried to pretend they didn't exist; she was so afraid of being punished again. Two years later at twenty, she left her family in Lenth and took a lonely flat in Salla Tower-26 to attend Salla University. There, she learned more of the bitter lessons inflicted on Aledan psions. If not for Ludren, she would not have completed her degree.
At that time, Ludren was a young cultural instructor at the University. Natar was doing poorly in her work as so many of the young psions he instructed. Ludren took a special interest in Natar, though. He was a Normal, but sensitive to the plight of Psion at the University. It bothered him that such an intelligent group of people so often failed to complete their studies. Even before his interest in Natar, he had hated the degrading treatment they endured.
He had tried not to care more for Natar than the others. But his mask of indifference broke when she came to him intent on withdrawing from the University to go back to Lenth. Knowing her high potential for learning, Ludren found himself urging her to stay for sound reasons that had nothing to do with his feelings for her.
Ludren was much more distressed than Natar ever expected. Because he had always afforded her the same respect as any of his Normal students and because of her conditioning, she had always respected the privacy of his thoughts. But on the day, she meant to leave, she saw it in his eyes; she felt his longing without reading his mind: This Normal loved her. Only when he thought he would lose her did he let his guarded feelings show.
Realizing Natar could read his naked longings, he became even more upset. He was as embarrassed as if he had been stripped naked in front of a gawking crowd. His mind held no barriers to her probing, and he could only guess what she felt for him.
He grew angry at the way Natar simply stood there staring up into his face.
"Do you have to look at me like that?" he shouted. "Why don't you just go and leave me alone? Or do you like watching me make a complete fool of myself?" Yet, despite his anger, she knew he wanted her to stay.
"No, Ludren," she answered softly. "I don't want you to feel like that. I'm the fool. You've hidden your feelings so well; I didn't even know. I-I knew you wanted me--but because of what I am I didn't dare to believe you could love me."
"Is that what conditioning did to you? Made you so insecure, so insensitive? You are descended from the great Narcaza. You have the gift of insight. Do you only realize now how I have loved you?" Ludren didn't quite believe her. He'd thought her so wonderfully sensitive as well as beautiful . . . And she hadn't even sensed his feelings for her!
"Oh, Ludren!" she cried, her eyes glistening with tears. "You don't understand. Do you know what they do to us?"
He didn't. He had seen how they were treated in public, but few Normals understood psi-conditioning that were not directly associated with it. And fewer wanted to.
"I guess maybe I don't," he admitted finally. Natar could see that her tears upset him. "Tell me, Natar. I want to know--to understand."
"May I give you the memory?" she asked, touching his arm.
Ludren hesitated, not sure he wanted her to put the memories into his mind. Natar was a very powerful telepath by any standards, and the idea made him uneasy. But it seemed so important to her that he nodded reluctantly. "All right."
"You must tell me if you feel any discomfort--the law forbids..."
Ludren could see by her trembling, it was more than concern for him that caused her hesitation.
Very gently, Natar touched his mind with the bitter memories, knowing that a Psion must always be gentle with a Normal. Probing or sending with too much force could hurt--or even kill him. Normals had no defensive mental shields to protect their minds.
Gently, as if it were a dream, Natar sent him the memories of the pain and fear and loneliness; the emptiness that plagued since conditioning. The conditioning had been much harder for her than usual because she had such strong psionic ability and such strong will.
Gentleness had come in many hard lessons, too. They had tried to make her probe Normals and psions on the same level instead of letting her establish a rapport at her own level with each individual. Their mental beatings had so confused her that she accidentally injured three of her instructors with the force of her probes. They recovered quickly, but each slip in her control was punished by a session of pain therapy and five more days in isolation.
The pain therapy was administered in two consecutive sessions. Natar barely had time to recover from the first before she was subjected to the second. Then, an unsympathetic programmer forced the proper behavior pattern into her mind with shattering mental force that almost pushed her into a complete psychic breakdown.
It took Natar nearly five years to open her mind again and begin to use her psychic gift. Even then, she just used telepathy with receptives, and sparingly. Her fear of punishment slowly lessened with time, but never died completely.
Ludren was stunned when she finished giving him the memories of her torment. He swore and shook his head in utter disgust. He hated the Aledan government for what they had done to her.
He put his arms around her and pulled her close without thinking. He wanted to wipe the pain from her eyes and protect her from all the hurts of the world. She was so small and had such a heart-rending look of vulnerability about her.
"Forgive me, Natar," he murmured huskily. "I truly didn't know what it had been like for you." Gently he lifted her chin so he could look into her face. He loved her, he wanted her. He needed her. "Do you care for me at all?"
Natar didn't answer at first. She didn't really know how she felt---except that his loving her made her feel good inside. His desire her excited her.
"Yes, Ludren. I want you to love me. I need you," she replied softly. She needed to be loved more than anything, and it was easy to allow herself to become caught up in his passion. There in Ludren's study, they had become eager lovers. It naturally followed that he pledged as her life mate and filed a civil marriage a brief time later.
Following their marriage, Ludren brought her to live at his agro complex and gave up his position at the University to farm and write educational materials.
Even now, Ludren was easily persuaded to do almost anything she asked because of his love for her. Natar smiled to herself, leaning back on the lounger with a fresh glass of yash at her fingertips. She realized that she fed emotionally on Ludren's implicit love for her, but she also knew that she loved him deeply---in her own way.
However, he was a Normal far below her on the psi-scale. She never truly saw him as an equal. And Ludren had always known she could cripple or even destroy his mind with a careless thought. But he did not fear it. He trusted her completely. Natar never betrayed that trust, partly because of her conditioning but mostly because of her genuine love for him.
For the most part, she believed her life with him was good. In his love, he had given her three fine children. There would have been four had the first not perished due to an 'accident' at the Salla Fetal Nurtury. The dead fetus would have been their eldest daughter--maybe a psion. Natar would never know. Following the suspicious death of their fetal child at the nurtury, Natar had carried her next three children to term in her o
wn womb. Nothing could ever convince her even now that the death of her first baby was merely an accident.
Hankura, her first-born after the loss, was exceedingly precious to her--even more so as he began to show a high level of psi at a very early age. With this discovery, Natar reminded her husband of his early promise not to let their children suffer the same hardships that she had.
To keep that promise, Ludren wanted to take his wife and son to Belderon for training until Hankura had reached age fifteen. Such training would make him exempt from psi-conditioning on Aledus. Natar, however, was terrified of being enclosed in a space ship flying into the void of interstellar space. Severe claustrophobia was one of the after effects of being kept for so long in solitary confinement at the Psi Institute.
Belderon Psi Institute would only take children under the guardianship of an adult, but the University of Learning on Velran did not require this. Once she realized her claustrophobia would prevent them from taking Hankura to Belderon, Natar secretly decided they must send him to Velran to be trained by the Wholaskans in the tradition of her ancestors. The University of Learning on Velran was also one of the finest Universities in the galaxy.
However, as the time to send Hankura away drew nearer, Natar became reluctant to go through with her plans. She had decided to abandon her plans since she hadn't told Ludren anyway. Natar tried desperately to conquer her fear of space by taking an orbiting sightseeing tour. But each time she went inside a shuttle, she panicked as soon as the hatch was sealed. Her heart pounded wildly, and she always broke out in heavy perspiration. (She felt as though she would suffocate if she couldn't get out.) Each time she became hysterical until the last time the officials called Ludren to come get her.
She confessed everything to Ludren. He suggested psychotherapy. Natar refused because of her experiences with the Psi Institute. It made Ludren sick at heart to realize he would have to choose between his beloved wife and son. As much as he loved Hankura, he couldn't leave Natar. He sent his eldest son to Velran, and something died inside him.
Sometimes, he even suspected Natar of faking her anxiety attacks to get her own way. Yet she seemed obsessed with the boy in a way that Ludren couldn't understand.
But then, Natar didn't always understand herself.
Hankura was everything a mother could want in a son. He was gentle and loving, yet strong---so much like his father. In the beginning, he had shared all his thoughts and feelings with her. Hankura loved his father as well. Even after the births of Trevin and Capra, Hankura came first in Natar's heart. Ludren knew she was very possessive of their first-born, but Natar knew he didn't suspect how deep her obsession was.
She loved him more than a mother should---more than she loved Ludren. The idea frightened and repulsed her.
No! It couldn't be true. Natar shifted uneasily on the lounger. She loved Ludren. He was her husband---her life-mate!
Oh, but Hankura was so like him . . . And with such a strong mind. He was almost as high as she in the psi-patterns.
Only Hankura had found his psi-mate on Earth. Mother of Life, he was making love to her that very moment! The knowledge aroused her incredibly and disgusted her at the same time.
Natar threw the half empty glass of yash against the dome's white inner wall. It broke, splashing the clear fluid everywhere, and Natar covered her face in shame at her incestuous yearnings. While she wouldn't touch his mind, she could feel his surging emotions through the psychic web. She could feel the intense love he lavished on the Terran.
"He must not know. Ludren must not know," she whispered. No mother should feel that way about her son. Even the permissive Aledan society was not that broad-minded.
After a while, Natar pressed for the cleaning droid to clean up the mess she'd made. A few minutes later, Ludren came into the chamber to watch the end of the operetta disc with her.
"Did you enjoy the disc, darling?" he asked.
Natar knew he had wanted to please her with it. She couldn't bring herself to tell him she had hardly watched it. "It was wonderful," she lied, then changed the subject. "Will there be any trouble with the harvest?"
"There will be a few days’ delay while the flowers finish blossoming, but our harvesters are in fine shape. They will have the crop ready in time to ship on the Arcius Freighter."
Natar extended her small hands for him to help her up. "Ludren--" she murmured, suddenly overwhelmed by a physical need for him. She slid her arms around him and pressed close, her emerald eyes alight with a silent invitation. Make love to me.
He grinned slowly and bent his head to kiss her as he folded her in his arms. Her urgent response quickly aroused him as well.
"Do you love me, Ludren?" she whispered close to his mouth. "Tell me you love me. Show me."
"You know I love you, my darling. I will always love you," he assured her, caressing her tenderly. He reached behind her to press the privacy signal, then escorted her to their bedchamber.
He loved her so much, yet Natar didn't feel he would ever love her as Hankura loved his Terran psi-mate. But he was an excellent lover, and he knew how to quell this ache inside her. Natar closed her eyes and tensed for a moment as he began to undress her, horrified at her thoughts. No one could love her more than Ludren did. He just couldn't express his love in the same way Hankura could, but it was always there for Natar to seek it out in his mind. Ludren loved her with all his heart. It should have been enough for any woman. She could never let him know that it wasn't.
And I will always love you my darling Ludren. She smiled up at him adoringly and knew that she meant it. If only it could be enough . . .
CHAPTER EIGHT
During the times of confusion before Hankura understood his nightmares and his psychic connection with Michelle Marlow, he enjoyed several pleasant relationships with women. While he had loved them all on one level or another, he had always assumed that none of these relationships would be permanent.
As a child, he merely understood that he cared what happened to Chelle. As a man, her attraction scared him until he found her and realized that his attraction for her was just as great. When they stopped running and finally faced each other as man and woman, body to body, mind to mind, a new fear arose within him . . . That he would lose this other half of himself---this beautiful woman who stood facing him under the light of the Milky Way.
She was dressed in a silvery gown that swished over the brown moss under their feet as she walked. Her hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders to her waist. They were alone, facing each other slightly apart. They had come out under the night sky to fulfill the ancient custom of pledging their love.
"In the Path of Insight, it was written by Arall: 'The Mother of Life is responsible for the evolution of humankind throughout the Galaxy. She gifts some humans with a special insight--the gift of mindsight . . ..
"'Through the gift of mindsight, those who are chosen will recognize their soul mates as they meet through the will of the Mother . . . And those who meet will be destined to share a Path of Insight for all time. For through time and space, the human soul knows no bounds . ..'" Hankura recited the words from memory as Chelle met his gaze steadily and opened her mind to him.
Love has many facets, my beautiful Che-elle, and knowing love is a precious gift. You give your love freely, and what's more, you accept my love freely . . .. Che-elle, I give you my love now and always. As it travels the circle of our thoughts from my mind to your mind and back again, it grows and blossoms to a joy beyond words, pure and untouched inside us.
As his love enveloped her mind, Chelle sent her love flooding back into Hankura's mind like an incoming tide.
Beloved Hankura, I love all that you are . . . With all that I am . . . all that I will ever be.
We are like the water that ripples in the pond. Your love is my love . . . And your joy is my joy . . . your sorrow, my sorrow . . . Your pain is my pain. We are one with our love. We are one now and always, and with all that we are, we will protect our life t
ogether from this moment on.
The solemn vow passed unspoken between them, formally sealing the twenty-year-old bond that had brought them to this moment. The stood touching and kissing for a long time in the glowing aura of their psychic union.
Little had changed in the family's main lounge chamber in Hankura's absence. The room was fairly open with too little furniture for its size. The white curved walls held colorful wall hangings and holograph art, and the same crystalline sculptures that he remembered from his childhood were distributed on stands throughout the room.
The familiarity was not especially reassuring as he sat beside Chelle with his family on the large, circular sofa that dominated that area. The urge to jump up and leave was hard to suppress. He felt no more at home here than he had those first lonely hours on Velran.
Chelle sensed his nervousness and touched his arm with unspoken encouragement. She couldn't translate his strange sense of foreboding into terms that she could understand, and he did nothing to help her. It was like a door had been suddenly closed to her. To cover that denial, Hankura smiled thinly and send her a silent endearment. The earlier strange sensation passed so quickly, Chelle began to think she had imagined it--whatever it was. She was very curious, but she decided not to press him for an explanation. He would share it when he was ready.
Drinks were served by a small autocart that moved quietly among them. It paused before each person so that they could lift a glass of yash from its service tray.
"Does that gown fit all right, Chelle?" asked Capra politely. "It certainly looks nice on you."
"Thank you. It's quite comfortable--just a little strange after wearing a coverall for so long. I have never worn such a beautiful gown before."
"Was it designed at one of the factories in Salla?" Hankura asked. "We're planning to buy new wardrobes in current styles. Any suggestions would be helpful."
"It came from Ramyon's--but . . . Well, it's nearly impossible for a Psion to get in there. But you can order by vid com once you have been measured. Chelle is welcome to keep that gown. It looks a lot better on her than it ever did on me. White just isn't my color." Capra said then flushed. Oh, Mother! I didn't mean Chelle should wear my castoffs. The gown really does suit her better.
The Aledan PSION: The Aledan Series Book 1 Page 8