by Finegan, KT
I crawled slowly towards the light. But rather than get closer, it remained at a distance from me. Then my hands hit the edge of the floor. I sat back, confused, not sure what was happening. The light seemed to have dropped down a bit further ahead of me, and I realised there must a staircase. The light was coming from down below.
I groped around and felt some steps, then turned around so that I could go down feet first, one stair at a time. The light had stopped moving now. It was as if it was waiting for me to catch up.
Using my feet, and still feeling gingerly all around me, I found that the steps were about a foot wide, and six inches or so high. I could feel stone at either side, and from the dank, damp smell it was as if they had been cut into rock. They didn’t feel smooth, but were jagged and rough. I was still surrounded by darkness, but the little light that kept appearing from below showed me some parts of this narrow staircase appearing to be cut from solid rock. It was as if the earth itself was opening up to me. Gran had said in her letter, “find the door and find me”. I had a crazy feeling that this would lead me to her.
Step by step I followed the little light which was twinkling and dancing ahead like a firefly. Each time I thought I’d lost it and couldn’t physically go on any more, it appeared again, teasing me with its promise of light in the darkness. Thoughts of seeing my Gran as crazy as that seemed kept me going.
It was getting colder and wetter. I felt drips on my coat from little springs and fissures and my trousers were soaked, but still I moved slowly, carefully, further and further down the stairs trying to catch the light. After what must have been ten or fifteen minutes and I was beginning to tire, my feet hit what at first I thought was a wider step. The light had disappeared, and I stopped in the darkness, stretching my fingers out to feel what was next.
The ground felt level, so I turned back around and crouched down, then moved forward in the darkness, crawling on hands and knees into what seemed like a tunnel. I stretched out my hands. I could feel the walls on either side me and the ceiling above me, perhaps four feet or so, not high enough for me to stand up.
Way in the distance I saw the light flicker and I crawled along the tunnel towards it, hoping that there was some other way out and that I wouldn’t have to find my way back again.
I’m not usually claustrophobic, but in the darkness, banging into rock with my elbows and knees, scratching my head on the low ceiling, I could feel little flutters of panic rising in me. This was so outside of my usual comfort zone, but focusing on my gran kept me going. I knew she’d laugh if she could see me; she knew I hated exercise and this was like an assault course in a freaky house of horrors in blackness.
The light had disappeared and I found myself in complete darkness again, edging along in silence, with only the sound of my breath and the scuffling of my coat against the wall sides.
Suddenly my head connected painfully with something solid, and I stretched out my hands in the darkness to feel a rock wall. I had reached the end of the tunnel. There was no way out. In the black silence, I screamed tears of frustrations, fear and panic, and the horrible realisation that I’d have to back up all along the tunnel. There wasn’t space to turn around.
That was when I cried. Rocking myself back and forward in an attempt to comfort my sadness. The combination of loneliness, frustration, confusion, and a tinge of self-pity overwhelmed me, and I sobbed for help in the emptiness of the earth. I knew it was futile but I didn’t know what else to do. I’d followed the clues; I really cared; I wanted to help. But I was lost, lonely, and scared. I was here for Gran but she wasn’t here. What a fool! I should have waited in the upper chamber to be rescued. Now I’d need to find my way back.
At that moment in the blackness, I was aware of a sound a little bit behind me on my left hand side. I wasn’t sure what I’d heard, like something hitting metal. I frowned and waited, holding my breath as I listened. There it was again. Faintly to my left, and slightly behind me. Like metal striking stone. Maybe there was another way back to the surface
I quickly crawled in reverse and managed to back up a bit in the tunnel towards the noise. I caught sight of the light again, as if it was waiting. I’d missed a turning! The little light stopped, and I moved towards it again. I still wasn’t sure what had made the noise, but I whispered a prayer of thanks and hurried along. I was still in darkness, with the little light dancing ahead and the odd sounds of metal hitting stone.
I must have gone in about twenty or so steps when the light ahead of me stopped. It started to expand, and now that it was closer I could see it was more of a blue than I had noticed. I sat back on my feet and watched it rise slowly higher and higher, and realised it was showing me that the tunnel had opened up into a huge chamber. As the light increased in size and brightness, it flew around, rising high and wide, to show me that I was now in a huge cave.
I could hear water running off into the distance somewhere, while the cave itself looked like it had been cut out of crystal. It resembled Angel’s piece of pink quartz and some of my gran’s stones. The light dazzled off the walls of the crystal cave and flew down to the bottom, where I could see a large, tranquil, turquoise lake.
I stayed where I was, looking all around me, taking in the whole space as it was lit up by the dancing light, as if putting on a show for an exclusive audience of one. The cave was beautiful, like something out of a dream.
Suddenly, just as I appreciated the beauty of my surroundings, the light started to slow, contract, then drop down towards me. As if it knew what I was thinking, and sensed I was calm and open.
The light slowly came closer to me, and I could see it was a deeper blue in its centre. It was a ball; a sphere the size of a football. Deepest blue in its centre and then becoming more white and brighter at its edges.
It stopped a few inches from my head, its centre level with my eyes. I flinched a bit as it came closer and I felt it move in towards me, touching my forehead. I could hardly breathe as I felt its warmth, its energetic tingle, and my head filled with images of Gran. Of her and me together, like a photo montage of our whole life together. I heard her voice. I felt her strong arms around me.
This was her. She was some sort of ball of light, of energy. And through my tears, I knew why she would want to be in this state, why she would want to return to this state, because as light she was powerful and connected. She told me or showed me – I’m not sure how I understood – that this was what death was like. A return to love for everything.
I opened my eyes and looked straight into the centre of this blue ball of light and I just knew it was her. It was like the sensation I’d experienced when I’d met my Guardian Angel. I felt love and strength, and that we were still connected. Nothing was going to separate me from her. Death was not the end. And that thought came with waves and waves of emotion. I didn’t have to say sorry for anything. She knew everything… because she just did.
The light ball started to move away from me, but that felt okay; I knew it would not go far. It moved off to light a path for me through the cave and off to the left hand side, where its illumination showed a huge thirty or forty feet high piece of crystal. I couldn’t have stood up at that point; I didn’t trust my legs to hold me. So I crawled through dirt and muck along the side of the lake, towards and then slightly behind the crystal rock.
The light ball dropped down towards the floor and there in front of me I saw a huge metal padlock firmly holding three large chains. I sat back on my heels for a moment, not completely understanding what I could do to help. As my mind considered all possibilities, the light ball suddenly swooped down towards my pocket and then back to the padlock.
It was telling me to use the keys to unlock it! At that moment I saw one of the chains tighten, and I heard a roar and a flash of flame somewhere deep in the heart of the cavern. I screamed, and there were more roars, animal screams, high-pitched and accompanied by flashes of fire, high up. I
smelled burning, like bonfire and heard what sounded like wings flapping in flight.
When we’d been at the quarry site, I’d thought I’d seen a dragon’s eye in the water. Had I been right? Were there trapped dragons under the earth, and the light wanted me to set them free? Surely not. It didn’t make sense. Dragons didn’t exist. How could they? And if in some bizarre way they were here, they had to be chained up for a reason, to keep us safe. I wasn’t going to be the one to release them. I finally got to my feet and tried to run back towards the tunnel but, apart from the occasional burst of flame above my head, the cave was in darkness again.
I stopped and turned around. The blue ball of light was behind me, and slowly it transformed into the shape of a woman. Faint and opaque, and with the same blue centre and white outline. It was like looking again into the face of my grandmother, and I wept, stretching out my arms to try and hold her. In my mind I felt her arms around me, and I took strength from that. I heard her whisper, ‘Do it, Kirsty. Free the dragons, we need their help.’
As I wiped my eyes, she returned to her sphere state and flew across to the padlock again, lighting my way. I fell down on the floor and pulled the bunch of keys from my pocket. I hesitated, my whole body trembled with fear. How could this really be happening? The ground started to shake, and I heard a roar and the sound of something large moving towards me. From behind the crystal rock I was aware of a movement, a presence of some sort rising high above me. I could hardly look and covered my face with my shaking hands. More scared than I’d ever been in my life. I was sure I would die, trapped somewhere underground, my mind unhinged. Nothing happened. I felt a warm breath on my face. I chanced a glance up and found myself looking into the lizard like eyes of a dragon. A real dragon. Its huge head crisscrossed with scars. Even though we were in semi darkness I could see it clearly. We were so close. I dared not take a breath. I tried to back up a little. Slowly, calmly, gently, hoping it wouldn’t notice. Because after all, how long had it been chained up, and how hungry was it? It saw me. Or to be more precise it watched me. As if I was the strange creature. It stood twenty feet above me, and from behind it I heard the shuffle of other creatures, pulling against their chains. Panic swallowed me, I scrabbled to get away, sobs in my throat, fear taking over my whole body.
At that moment, the blue sphere appeared again, rising between us. Lighting us both up, and with the light, the dragon fell back. Almost as mesmerised as I had been with the light. It looked at me again, and in that moment I realised it wouldn’t hurt me. I knew I had nothing to fear. I don’t know how but I just knew it. The dragon was there to help. I had to trust that this was the way it had to be. I threw myself down at the padlock, and with shaking hands I eventually found the right key and heard the click as it unlocked. Immediately I heard a roar and the beat of wings and shadows on the wall as three dragons flew off high into the cavern. Spitting fire was all I saw, and the shadows of their wings. I didn’t know where they had gone but I heard them squeal and roar far ahead of where I sat.
My body was shaking and I remained sitting on the floor. The light ball flew off again, then returned, and flew off again. I knew it wanted me to follow, but I was terrified. I’d trusted that releasing the padlock was the right thing to do, but I wasn’t sure how. I could hear the roar of flame-throwing, smell burning hair, and animal shrieks reverberated throughout the cavern.
Instinctively, I knew I had to follow the light towards the dragons, but first I needed to take a moment and gather my thoughts. The light ball returned to me, and waited as if it understood my fears, then it came close again towards my head. The chamber seemed to lighten and brighten, urging me to look behind where I sat.
I turned round expecting to see more darkness, but my eyes were filled with light. I could see hundreds and hundreds of figures, like people but full of light, and as I looked at those closest to me, my head was filled with visions of my mum, and my grandparents. I realised or they told me, I don’t know which, that these were my ancestors. Hundreds if not thousands of light beings at my shoulders, stretching off into the vastness of the cave.
I had a sense that they were telling me that they were always with me. That I was never on my own. That they were with me to bring strength, love, anything I wanted or needed. I remember thinking that if everyone knew that, people would have no need to be afraid of anything. If we all knew we had this resource, why would we worry about living or dying?
I was suddenly aware of another being standing off to my left hand side. I sensed this was a man, and beside him were Angel and Grizelle. Or at least, it felt like them. They each had hundreds and thousands of light beings with them as well. I had an idea that we were all an army of light, and that whatever we would fight would not stand a chance. I immediately felt filled with power and strength.
This all happened simultaneously, but without words, as though we could all communicate into each other’s minds. Time meant nothing in this expansion. At that moment, all the beings rushed forward, gathering me up with them, and we soared and flew onwards in the trail of the dragons. With this light, I could see all around me as we powered through rock and space. I knew that we were all the same, connected, everything that had ever been or would be. I was rock; I was air; I was the dark and the light. There was no separation, and my heart filled my chest with happiness. I was unaware of my physical body, and the earlier discomforts of pain, and cold, and wet had disappeared in this incredible feeling of togetherness, of love.
Within moments we were in another cave, a much bigger cavern than the last. Our army of light waited somewhere close to the roof of this incredible place. A smell so disgusting hit me and I swallowed down the bile. It had a metallic odour, like blood mixed with ammonia, and something else I could not place. Far beneath me I could hear the screeches and screams of the dragons, and see the occasional fire and flame from their mouths, and the shadows of their wings as they turned one way and another in an attack on another creature I could not see. The acrid smell of burning flesh and hair threatened to make me vomit.
The blue ball of light dropped gently downwards, and as she did she expanded again, the way I’d seen her do before. This time she became bigger and bigger, filling the whole cavern with bright blue and white light.
It was only then that I noticed that the cavern walls were moving, undulating in the light. This was what she wanted to show me. I felt the light of my ancestors draw around me like a protective shield from the horrors of this chamber. With the screaming from the dragons below, dark, darting shadows, and the disgusting stench, I knew this was a place of pain. And with a start I realised the smell was death. This was what Granny had called Ifrinn – the dark earth. Hell.
26
As the light ball expanded, more and more of the chamber showed up in greater detail. I could see that it wasn’t actually the black walls which were moving back and forward; we had nothing to fear from those. What I saw in the light were individual corpses hanging from the walls and roof. Each corpse – with tattered skin and clothing, some still with eyes, and soft tissue, and tufts of hair – was just about recognisable as a human being.
As far as my eyes could see in the slowly lightening chamber, thousands and thousands of souls were kept in place, pinned by a thick black cord of what looked like some sort of liquid, skewering them through their hearts. Their screams of mortal agony brought tears to my eyes. As I watched, I saw each haunted corpse of humanity have its life sucked out with a pulse through the black cord, leaving them to hang as blackened, burned, lifeless skeletons, frozen in time and space for eternity, or so it seemed. Then, with another pulse through the black cord, they transformed again into the haunted corpses. Screams of agony filled the chamber, adding to the noise of the dragons fighting something below us. What could these people have done that was so bad that they had no chance of rest even in death?
The stench of everlasting death was all around us, the black cords from each of
those poor souls twisting and turning with each pulse, connecting into what looked like a black mountain in the centre of the chamber. It was like black, living worms, writhing and throbbing, sucking death in and out. Thousands and thousands of what used to be people, with hopes and dreams, lives and loved ones waiting forever to die. Moving from death to life and back again, but with no respite from the pain.
Looking around the room, I sensed my light beings moving away from me and I was left hanging in the air in the arms of my Guardian Angel. Her arms held me in safety, and her presence was as powerful and beautiful as it had been that evening in Angel’s living room.
My ancestors and all the light beings in the room moved softly and silently through the air, each of them wrapping their arms and energies around each of the pulsating bodies. As they did so, their light dissolved the black cords piercing the hearts of those souls, and the cords fell down towards the mountain. I cried with pride as I saw the compassionate embrace from my ancestors holding each of those suffering corpses, releasing them one by one from their horrors. As they did so, it was as if they transferred some of their light to the darkness and the whole chamber shone brighter and lighter. The only sound left was that of the screaming dragons far beneath me. The walls were silent, but now lit up like the sun.
I turned my attention back to the ball of light – my grandmother, who radiated blue and white light around the dazzling chamber. I knew she couldn’t have done anything else but follow her heart. It was in her blood to save these souls, as it was in mine.
The dragons flew higher and I saw the three of them clearly for the first time. They looked like those in fables and similar to the image in the stained glass window of the church. Their skin shining and wings beating furiously. Breathing fire, and flying around the cavern, I realised they were fighting. What I had seen wasn’t a mountain in the middle of the cave, but the back of a huge beast. Hundreds of feet tall, it gradually struggled to its feet, blood and gore dripping from its stinking teeth.