Better to Trust

by Frimmer, Heather

  On the screen, Jennifer Beals and the other ladies were at a nightclub dressed in sexy outfits. Nothing about them seemed familiar.

  “I don’t feel like a lesbian,” Alison said.

  “What do you mean?” Becca said. “You’re still the same person. Just uncovering who you’ve always been.”

  Becca had been supremely patient, more patient than Alison could expect anyone to be. Was she right? Was this who Alison had been all along and she just hadn’t realized? Maybe Alison had put off asking for a divorce because she was afraid of coming to terms with her sexuality, of having to announce to friends and family and coworkers the real reason she’d left Michael. How would she answer the questions from Michael’s parents, Cynthia, the other teachers at school? What happened? Did Michael cheat? Was it the stress of trying to conceive?

  Warm tears ran down Alison’s cheek.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” Becca said, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table and wiping Alison’s face.

  “I’ll be okay,” Alison said. She felt overwhelmed with emotions, questions about the divorce, and her sexuality and her future all roiling in her head.

  “You’re better than okay,” Becca said. “You’re exquisite. Maybe we should go out and celebrate.”

  “A date?”

  “Yes. A proper one. We could even get dressed up and order all three courses.”

  “I’m not sure.” Tears threatened again and Alison tried to hold them back. Becca was trying to encourage her to step out of the darkness, but Alison wasn’t ready for that yet. People were already talking about her, whispering about the poor lady whose brother-in-law messed up her brain. She didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire, as Michael would have said.

  Becca took Alison’s face in her hands. “You are an incredible woman, Alison Jacobs, and I don’t care what Rhea or the cashier at the grocery store or the UPS delivery guy has to say. I love you.” She leaned in for a soft kiss, the kind that said I love you rather than I want you.

  Alison relaxed into Becca’s arms. She knew Becca was frustrated, that she wanted them to be together without having to hide behind closed doors. Alison hoped she would be patient enough to wait until she was ready, if that day ever came.

  “Should I make a reservation? Maybe at that seafood place by the harbor?”

  “Maybe,” Alison said.

  Squeals and moans came from the TV, a scene with the butch hairstylist and one of her many one-night stands. They watched in silence for a few minutes.

  “There’s something about her,” Becca said. “She embodies sex, animal magnetism.”

  Alison’s eyes were fixed to the screen as Shane and her partner went at it in every position imaginable. When Shane spread her partner’s legs and buried her face in between, Becca turned to her. Without a word, she knelt down on the floor and pulled Alison’s sweatpants and underwear down over her hips. She slid her hand underneath Alison’s hips and brought her up to her face, her breath hot on her skin. All Alison wanted at this moment was to feel Becca’s tongue sliding in between her legs, the delicious sensation as she started in slow teasing circles and then moved ever more quickly back and forth. She groaned in anticipation.

  “You like this?” Becca whispered. “It’s been way too long.”

  Alison recalled the last time Becca went down on her. It was the day she would never forget, the day she first bled into her brain and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. In the faculty bathroom during their break, Alison’s heart pounded as Becca pulled up her skirt. As Becca’s tongue coaxed Alison to climax, waves of pleasure coursing through her body, a blood vessel burst in her brain. Maybe if she’d kept her pants on, she would have lived the rest of her life never knowing anything was wrong. Her irrepressible desire for Becca had played a part in this disaster, and keeping the affair secret from Michael, desecrating the vows they’d made to each other, couldn’t have helped either.

  Now, Alison sighed and closed her legs, pulling her pants back up.

  “What’s wrong?” Becca asked. She got up and sat back on the couch.

  “Not right now.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Too much on my mind.” Alison would never tell her why she’d turned off. The last thing she wanted was for Becca to feel guilty. There was already more than enough guilt to go around.

  CHAPTER TWENTY - FIVE

  Sadie

  March 23, 2019

  WHEN SADIE AND EMMA EXITED the T station, they saw the Museum of Science on the other side of the bridge. It was almost six o’clock and the sun was starting to set behind the museum, the blue sky giving way to pinks and purples over the Cambridge skyline.

  Emma had talked incessantly on the train about her calculus grades and whether she would be inducted into the music honor society, and how much practice they needed before the Bay State Games, while Sadie had spent the entire train ride thinking about Aunt Alison. Her surgery had been a week ago and all Sadie knew was that there’d been some sort of complication and that the road to recovery would be long. There was something they weren’t sharing, babying her as always.

  They started walking onto the bridge toward the museum.

  “You’re thinking about your aunt?” Emma asked, breaking the silence.

  “I can’t think about anything else. Maybe this show will take my mind off things.” When Piper asked Sadie to meet her at the Justin Timberlake light show at the planetarium, Sadie’s first reaction had been to say no. There was no way her mom would let her go downtown on a Saturday night without an adult, but after she hung up, she thought of a way she could make it work. She’d say she was going with Emma. The only problem with her plan was that Emma had no idea Piper would be meeting them there.

  “Definitely,” Emma said. “You’ve had so much stress. It’ll be good not to focus on it for one night.”

  “What do you think they’re hiding?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My parents won’t tell me what’s going on.”

  “I’m sure they’ll share what you need to know,” Emma said.

  “My mom won’t let me visit. I don’t understand why they keep shutting me out.”

  “I’m sure your aunt will be fine,” Emma said. “Meanwhile, the sleepovers have been fun.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Where’s the planetarium?” Emma asked when they had nearly reached the museum.

  “You can’t see it from the street.” Sadie remembered when her father took her to the planetarium when she was in kindergarten. She could still recall every detail of the daddy-daughter day: how fast he drove on the highway to get there, the sunlight glistening on the surface of the river, how excited she felt while they waited in line for tickets. “It’s in the back.”

  They crossed the street and continued walking.

  “Look at the T-rex!” Emma said. “It’s so cute.” They stopped to look at the statue by the museum entrance.

  “Tyrannosaurus Rex was one of the most vicious and deadly dinosaurs to walk the earth,” Sadie still remembered some of the facts she’d learned from researching the infamous carnivore for her fourth-grade science project. “They were anything but cute.”

  “Look at the teeny tiny arms.”

  “They were used to hold its prey in place.”

  “This was a great idea.” Emma ignored Sadie’s corrections and started walking to the ticket line. “It’s going to be fun.”

  Sadie hadn’t told Emma that Piper would be meeting them because she knew it would cause a scene. Emma hated Piper without ever giving her a chance. Planning to break the news gently on the train ride here, she’d gotten distracted by her thoughts about Alison.

  “My mom said she’d pay for this.” Emma’s parents had been more than generous over the past week—driving Sadie to and from skating practice, taking her out to dinner, even letting her stay over several nights—while her parents were basically living in Aunt Alison’s hospital room.

  Emm
a dug in her bag to find her wallet. The sounds of a moving sculpture in the corner, balls plinking and gears turning, caught Sadie’s attention. People moved in all directions through the cavernous entry hall, children’s laughter and yells echoing off the walls and glass ceiling.

  After Emma bought the tickets, she gave them to the employee at the museum entrance and they stepped through the turnstile.

  “We have an hour until the show,” Emma said. “Let’s go learn some science.”

  She pointed to a sign for a special exhibit, and Sadie trailed her down the hall. A sign above the exhibit entrance read, “Welcome to the Mirror Maze: The Many Facets of You.”

  A girl with a lower lip piercing sat at the desk near the maze entrance. “You girls ready to face the maze?” she asked.

  “Totally,” Emma said.

  “If you notice the light flickering or the colors changing, that’s just me playing around out here,” the girl said. “No reason to freak out.”

  “We won’t,” Emma said.

  “Em, let’s head over to the planetarium,” Sadie said. Things like this made Sadie feel claustrophobic.

  “We have plenty of time.” Emma led the way into the maze. “Don’t worry.”

  As soon as they stepped inside, they were surrounded by mirrors. Hundreds of Sadies and Emmas glared at her from the ceiling and walls and floor, making her feel disoriented and a little bit queasy. When she managed to focus on one of her own reflections, she made eye contact. You have to tell Emma about Piper, she thought. Whatever her reaction, better to tell her now than face her anger later.

  When she caught a reflection of the top of her head, she noticed that her hair had started growing out, the natural light brown color of her hair fighting its way out from her part. With the mess she’d made last time—droplets of inky black on the marble countertops and white tile floor, which her mom had had to scrub with bleach— she wasn’t sure she was up for dyeing it again. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.

  “I’m not sure about this,” she said.

  “Come on, it’s fun.” Emma started walking deeper into the maze.

  If Emma was willing to keep going, Sadie had to follow. Stop being such a baby, she told herself. When she put her hands out to the side, she was relieved to feel the cool glass. She ran her fingers up and down the smooth surface, imagining the prints she was leaving behind. It felt satisfying to leave behind evidence that she’d been here. Her mom never let her touch the mirror in their entryway for fear of dirtying the spotless surface, revealing the Kaplans were anything less than perfect.

  Sadie took a few steps to try to catch up to Emma. When she reached a bridge, Emma was standing and looking down over the edge, the floor covered completely in mirrors.

  Sadie used the railing to steady herself.

  “It looks like you could fall for forever,” Emma said.

  Emma’s voice sounded too loud. Sadie gripped the metal of the railing, staring straight across at one of her reflections on the opposite wall.

  “You have to look down,” Emma said. “It’s really cool.”

  “I don’t want to.” Sadie was afraid that if she looked down, she would completely lose it. News would get around school that she had barfed in the mirror maze and the story would circulate for eternity. Like the one about Brianna Levitt, who’d gotten a hot dog stuck inside her and had to go to the hospital to get it removed.

  The lights flickered for a second and then dimmed.

  “I’m not sure I can do this,” Sadie said.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m feeling a little sick.”

  “I’ll help you.” Emma took Sadie’s hand and started pulling her through the maze. After all the hours practicing their pairs routine together, Emma’s hand felt familiar and comforting. Sadie closed her eyes, shutting out the hundreds of disorienting reflections surrounding her, and allowed her oldest friend to lead the way.

  When they finally found the exit, Sadie took a deep breath, a sense of relief washing over her. They made their way to the planetarium lobby where a crowd was gathered. Piper was standing by the wall with two guys Sadie had never seen before. They looked a lot older; one had a goatee and the other a patchy mustache. They weren’t the kind of boys Sadie usually hung out with. And she still hadn’t warned Emma.

  “Hey there,” Piper said.

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” Emma said, looking directly at Piper without a hint of a smile.

  “Happy to see you too, Emma,” Piper said.

  “I brought my brother and his friend,” Piper said. “Brian, this is Sadie and her friend, Emma.”

  Emma grabbed Sadie’s hand behind her back and gave it a firm squeeze. Sadie wanted to tell Emma she was sorry for keeping her in the dark, but all she could do was squeeze back.

  “Hi, Brian,” Sadie said. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” She wanted to kick herself for saying such a stupid thing.

  “This is Axel,” he said, nodding to his scruffy friend.

  “We have a few minutes until the show. How about some fresh air?” Piper pointed to the double doors that led to the street.

  “I think we should go get seats,” Emma said.

  “Relax, Emma,” Piper said. “We won’t miss anything.”

  Piper led the way, Sadie and Emma lagging behind.

  “What’s going on?” Emma whispered. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me they were coming.”

  “You would have bailed.”

  “You still should have told me.”

  “Don’t worry. It’ll be fun.” Sadie wanted to reassure Emma even though she wasn’t feeling so comfortable herself.

  When they got outside, it was still warm, but the sky had darkened to a charcoal gray. Sadie took a deep breath and looked to see if any stars were visible. With the lights downtown, it was always hard to see any stars, but she felt like she needed something to ground her. She longed to see real stars, not the fake ones twinkling from the ceiling of the planetarium before the light show began.

  Axel took a baggy from the pocket of his jeans. He removed a joint and handed it to Piper, who smiled and placed it between her lips. Axel lit the end with a red lighter.

  Piper took a long drag, held her breath, and exhaled, a look of peace coming over her face. She seemed to be a very experienced smoker, making Sadie wonder when she’d first tried it.

  She handed the joint to Brian. “This’ll make the show that much more enjoyable,” she said.

  “Yeah,” Brian said in a croaky voice, smoke wafting through his lips. “You can’t listen to Justin Timberlake without medicinal assistance.”

  “Totally,” Piper said.

  After Axel took a hit, Piper grabbed the joint back from him and came over to stand next to Sadie. She put her arm around Sadie’s shoulders and brought the joint to Sadie’s lips. “It’s your turn,” Piper said. “Just suck in and hold your breath a few seconds.”

  Emma had a shocked look on her face, but with everyone watching, Sadie knew there was no way she could refuse. She pulled on the end of the joint and felt the hot smoke travel into her lungs, searing her insides and forcing her to cough.

  Piper smiled. “Everyone coughs the first time.”

  Piper turned to Emma. “Do you want to try?” Piper knew full well that Emma wouldn’t do it, but making fun of Emma and her prudish ways was one of Piper’s favorite pastimes.

  Emma shook her head. “I’m okay for now.”

  “Oh, come on, Emma. It won’t scar you for life.”

  Blotchy redness crawled up Emma’s neck. “I’m really fine.”

  “You’ll still ace the SATs and get into an Ivy League college.” Piper held the joint out to Emma.

  “Yeah,” Axel said with a chuckle. “Just like us.” Sadie was pretty sure they didn’t go to college. She seemed to remember Piper saying something about Brian apprenticing with a local electrician.

  “I’ll take it.” Sadie grabbed the joint from Piper. She had
to do something to let Emma off the hook. This time, the smoke went down smoother and didn’t feel quite as hot.

  She passed the joint to Piper, who took another drag and handed the joint back to the boys.

  “I think we’re sufficiently relaxed to tolerate JT,” Brian said, putting the joint in his pocket.

  As they walked back inside, Sadie felt like walking took less effort than usual. She also felt a bit light headed, but if this was all weed did, she wasn’t very impressed. When they entered the planetarium, Sadie was overcome with nostalgia. She remembered sitting next to her father, her face tilted to the ceiling while a man with a deep voice talked about supernovas and constellations and black holes. She found herself wishing she was here with her father now instead of her friends. This crisis with Aunt Alison wasn’t the only reason they’d drifted apart. Between high school and Piper, and her dad’s busy operating schedule, it seemed like she barely saw him anymore.

  Piper chose seats in the back row, and everyone followed without question, even though Sadie would have preferred to sit up front. When they first started hanging out, Sadie had liked that Piper always called the shots, her confidence and decisiveness new and exciting, but now it was starting to get old. Why did everything always have to be her way? Maybe she should take other people’s feelings into consideration once in a while.

  When they filed into the row, Emma ended up sitting between her and Piper, leaving Sadie to sit next to Brian. Emma shot Sadie a panicked look.

  “This is going to be cool.” Sadie hoped Piper wouldn’t give her grief about using that word again.

  “Sure,” Emma said. Sadie could tell by the way she was sitting up straight in her chair that she was uncomfortable.