“I do. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to give you what you need to make the right decisions for you and your future.” I leaned in for one quick peck on the lips, seeking some of her bravery. “I’ve spent my entire life thinking I know how to fix things, but the truth is I’m awful at it. I’m not going to do that this time. But I won’t lie. I’m scared, and I want to keep kissing you because your touch gives me the strength to move forward.”
And here was the essence of my being. Without Kathleen’s loving heart and body to nourish me, I was wilting. Kissing her was dangerous, for while our physical connection fueled my hope, I also knew this could be the last time she opened herself to me. I moved in one last time, savoring her mouth, lips and tongue just as I was mourning their inevitable retreat. When we broke apart, I took her hand and sought a place to talk.
Avoiding the sofa where we’d had sex, we sat down at her small dining room table. She sat across from me, not next to me. One quick look at the table’s surface confirmed something important. It was set in a way that was pristine. Although well-designed, it was clear that she never ate a meal here. The table was nothing more than a decoration. I attempted to take comfort in the idea that she was unlikely to sit here in the future and recall this moment. Such a possibility was a minuscule consolation.
With unsteady hands, I reached into my suit and pulled out three cardboard coasters. They’d been sitting inside my desk since she’d presented them to me days earlier at the Chinese restaurant by our office. I set them down one at a time, placing them side by side in their correct order. They were covered in my handwriting, the words scribbled one drunken evening. Once they were out in the open, her lovely face that had flushed during our kissing was drained of color.
“I’m guessing you remember these,” I began.
She nodded and then shoved them back in my direction. “I don’t ever need to see them again. I’ve reread them in my mind too many times to count. I know the words by heart,” she said, her voice trembling.
I winced. I wanted to swipe the damn things onto the floor, but instead I let them sit between us. “You aren’t one hundred percent right about these,” I explained. “But you are right to be upset by them.”
With lips delightfully swollen from our kissing, she sat up, straight and tall, preparing for an emotional sucker punch.
“If you’re ready to hear everything from me, I’m ready to tell you now.”
She nodded as she crossed her arms over her chest and avoided looking at the coasters.
Our moment of ultimate truth had arrived. This was what she had asked from me for longer than I’d been able to appreciate. I wasn’t prepared for her to kick me out of her life as soon as this awful conversation ended, but it was a possibility. I only knew I loved her enough to let her know all of me, the good as well as the bad. She deserved a man she could trust and respect. She had held me in high esteem in the early days of our relationship, so much so that even I believed in the false value of my own worth. If I was ever going to become a better man, it meant taking the ultimate risk of losing her for good. I took a deep breath, not sure how to begin. Kathleen was always so brave, and while I was anything but, I peered into her worried green eyes and asked a question.
“Do you remember how you felt when you told me about your mother?”
She wrinkled her forehead with concern. “Yes.”
“Were you afraid of my reaction?”
“Yes.”
“I’m petrified of yours.”
She stilled for a few moments and glanced around the apartment before settling her gaze on me. When she did, her expression was no longer uncertain. It was decided. She rose from her chair and extended her hand in my direction. This was an unexpected invitation to touch her, and I didn’t hesitate. I rose and wrapped my fingers around hers.
Without a single word, Kathleen led me to her spare bedroom.
KATHLEEN TOOK me to the queen-size bed and dropped my hand. We’d made love there just before Heide’s accident. It had been the last time we’d made love in Bend. I held my breath.
She moved to stand behind me and pulled my blazer from my shoulders. As soon as she helped me out of my jacket, she walked over to the other side of the bed and removed her shoes, followed by her skirt and her blouse. Within moments of entering the bedroom, she stood in her bra and panties. I took in the sight with gratitude.
“I miss you so much.” My voice cracked with weariness and emotion.
I was stunned and breathless as she leaned forward, offering me more than a glimpse of her luscious breasts when she pulled back the bed covers and arranged the pillows flat on the mattress. She then lay down on the bed, rolling onto her side to face me. She patted the empty half of the mattress and smiled shyly.
And just like that I understood her intentions. I sat down and removed my shoes and socks. When I stood back up, I took off my dress shirt, undershirt and pants. Since she had left her underwear on, I did the same and crawled into the bed wearing only my boxer briefs. I moved toward the center of the mattress, reflecting her posture.
She extended her hand to me once again, and as soon as our fingers entwined, her legs wrapped around mine. I was beyond grateful but lacked the words to express myself. Instead, I allowed our newfound serenity to embrace me.
As a welcome calm settled around us, she broke her silence. “I was scared to share my secrets, but you protected me. I was safe in your bed, and so I told you everything.” Her green eyes locked on to mine, poignantly. “You’re safe with me, Jack.”
I nodded and then looked down at our reunited hands. “You were right about something.”
“What?”
“What I wrote on those coasters was a memory. Not a fantasy.” I waited longer than necessary to continue, wanting to give her the opportunity to speak. She received this revelation with utter silence.
I cleared my throat. “You told me I was recalling an encounter with Allison. You suspected I wanted to go back to her. That’s where you were wrong.”
“How so?”
Here is where the conversation took its most difficult turn. I counted down from five and forced myself to say the words I dreaded most of all. “I wasn’t writing about Allison, and I wasn’t writing about you. I was remembering a night with a different woman.”
“Was it the girl you lost your virginity to?” Her voice was shaky but held an optimistic tone.
I was disappointed to let her down once more. I shook my head and tightened my hold on her hand. I didn’t want her to retreat again. A prolonged silence stretched out between us. I allowed her time to accept this fact and was hopeful she would allow me the opportunity to explain myself.
“Her name is Elyse. She was a coworker of mine.”
“A coworker?” Kathleen repeated the words in shock.
“Yes. She lives in Baltimore. We began working for the firm at the same time. We bonded because we were in the trenches together and trying to grow our careers. We were both single. Unattached. We used to leave work and go to dinner together. Enjoy a couple of drinks and commiserate about the demands of the job. One night after dinner, she asked me to follow her home, so I did. I spent the night with her.”
I went silent again as she processed my disclosure. “What you wrote on the coasters didn’t happen at her house,” she murmured.
I swallowed. “That’s true.”
“So… it happened with her more than once.”
“Yes.”
“You were in love with her?”
“No. I wasn’t.” I lifted my eyes to lock with Kathleen’s. “And she wasn’t in love with me. What I shared with Elyse is far different than what we’ve experienced together.”
She pulled her hand back from mine and found a loose thread in the bedding to occupy her fingers. My heart was full of fear and pounding. She deserved to know everything, but it was a struggle not to lose control of my words.
“Elyse was always more focused on her career than anything else. She wa
s never looking for a husband. She never talked about having children. She was a woman with certain needs, nothing more.”
“I see. And you obliged them.”
I grimaced. Her words and the disapproving tone she used to deliver them stung like a slap to the face. I gritted my teeth. “I admit it was the way of things for years. Then I met Allison.”
Oddly enough, the mention of my ex-wife’s name struck a certain chord with Kathleen. I watched as her bitterness gave way to a look of contrition.
“I apologize, Jack. I have no right to be upset.”
I nodded, but I wanted to end my confession as soon as I could. The agony of the moment was deep. After months of evading the truth, I needed to finish what I’d started.
“I remember telling you that I fell in love with Allison almost immediately. She was so different from Elyse. She was a challenge. One I thought worth fighting for. But it was never easy with Allison. When I look back now, I realize that it took a great deal of persuasion on my part to get her to date me. And that perhaps I was just trying to break away from the monotony of sleeping with a woman who didn’t want anything other than my cock.”
She blinked at my vulgarity but didn’t interrupt me. I reached for her hand and she allowed me to reclaim it. I was thankful.
“What I experienced with Allison was more than I’d ever had with Elyse, but it was nothing compared to what I feel for you.”
The rational side of Kathleen’s brain was in full control. If she experienced any emotion over my earnest declaration of love, she hid it.
“I don’t understand,” she said. “You told me you would have proposed to Allison even if she hadn’t become pregnant with Heide.”
“I said I’d propose eventually. Who knows how long that would have taken? And if I’m being honest, I don’t know if she would have said yes under any other set of circumstances.”
“You don’t think so?”
“We were attracted to each other, but we also frustrated the hell out of one another. I wasn’t getting what I wanted from Allison, and Elyse knew it.” A large lump formed in my throat and I swallowed it whole, more committed than ever to speak the truth. “She knew it. She took advantage of it. And I let her.”
“What are you saying, Jack?” Her voice was low. Cautious and scared. It was the one time I chose not to look at her. It was cowardly, but I refused to take in her reaction when I answered her question.
“I was sleeping with both of them. I wasn’t honest with Allison about it, and I didn’t end things with Elyse until Allison told me she was pregnant.”
“You dated Allison for six months before that happened.”
I nodded.
“Did you ever stop sleeping with Elyse after you met Allison?”
I shook my head, still unable to meet her eyes. “I’m not proud of it, Kathleen. But it’s the truth about me and you deserve to know.”
“How long did you work together?”
“Until I moved here.”
“Oh.”
I waited for her to say something more, to ask me more questions. But there was silence. I waited until I couldn’t stand to.
“There is more I should tell you,” I informed her. “But if you want me to leave now, I’ll go.”
“Have I heard the worst of it?”
Her hand was still in mine, although her grip had gone slack and her palms were clammy. I glanced down at our legs and realized they were still locked together. She was upset, but she hadn’t pulled away. I was safe in her bed, just as she promised I would be. My heart ached for her ability to absorb great emotional pain and push beyond it. My stress pulsed throughout my body and my face grew hot at the understanding that I was just another loved one to break her heart.
“I believe so. Yes.”
“All right,” she sighed. “Go on.”
“When Allison told me that we were going to have a baby, I broke it off with Elyse for good. But she knew my relationship with Allison wasn’t solid. She tried to undermine it whenever the mood suited her. Once Allison agreed to marry me, I never looked back but our happiness didn’t last long.”
“What happened? Did Elyse tell her?”
“No. Nothing as spectacular as that. Allison was a television news reporter. She’s a good journalist, and she just noticed certain things. She pieced it together and then confronted me about it. I mishandled the whole thing. It was a relief to get it out in the open, but she never trusted me after that. Nothing I ever did going forward was going to make up for what I did in the beginning. Our marriage was weak from the start, because of me. There’s one more thing you should know, but it’s the one thing I’m most fearful of telling you.”
“You told me I’d heard the worst.” Kathleen’s voice was accusatory. This time she did pull her hand away. I surged forward with my last admission.
“The first time Allison and I were together in a room with you, she saw our connection. She accused me of seeking you out as a replacement for Elyse.”
She was silent. I turned my eyes back to her face. I watched her reaction, knowing how she’d justified much of her recent behavior. She was under the belief that she was an interference in the potential reconciliation of my family. And I’d just confirmed her worst fears.
“I can’t blame Allison for jumping to that conclusion,” I continued. “I earned her suspicion and I’ve had to accept it. But I promise you, I was never going to put Allison through that again.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because Elyse wanted to sleep with me at my farewell party. If I’d wanted to, I could have done it. I could have slept with her and then disappeared to the other side of the country. But I’m not interested in a fuck buddy. There’s no challenge or reward in that kind of relationship.”
I paused once again to give Kathleen a chance to speak, but she didn’t.
“I came to my senses far too late to save my marriage, but when I walked away from Elyse it was because I wanted to be a better man going forward. I moved us here because I always thought about what could have been with Allison without Elyse’s interference. I had nothing left to lose, so I tried a last-ditch reset.”
“Allison left because of me,” she said.
I shook my head. “Allison left because of me. We both forced ourselves into a doomed marriage. I thought it would fall behind us in time. And when that didn’t happen, I got the idea to put it behind us by distance. That was a failure, too.”
“You told me the first time you were attracted to me was at the holiday party at Robert’s house.”
“Until you left for Denver, there was no doubt in my mind about that. But I’ve been thinking a lot while you were gone. I looked back to the very beginning, and I need to be honest with myself and with you. I was attracted to you from the moment we first met. I see it as clear as day now, but at the time I didn’t. Given everything else I’ve told you, I know it may be hard to accept, but you must know that I wasn’t trying to seduce you. Not before Allison left me, not after she went back to Maryland, and not our first night together.”
I paused and considered making my exit from the bed, from the condo, from Kathleen. I’d leave if she told me to, but it would be the most difficult thing I would ever do. She was quiet. I had to remind myself to breathe while I awaited her verdict.
“I was the one who kissed you that night,” she said. “You may have been attracted to me, but you were always a gentleman. Neither of us planned on any of this.”
Could I dare hope that she would forgive me? I was stunned by her conclusion but recovered, savoring the opportunity to salvage our relationship.
“I’m not a perfect man. I used Elyse for sex. I cheated on Allison when we were dating. I never understood what real love was until I fell in love with you. Please believe that I would never disrespect you like that.”
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t bare it if there was.”
“Ditto.�
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An awkward pause settled over us, but I didn’t allow it to fester. I wanted to keep the dialogue open between us.
“Tell me about Denver.” I didn’t want to know anything about Colorado, but eventually, I’d have to accept what was unfolding between us.
Kathleen lifted herself on one elbow and looked at my face with scrutiny. Even so, she wore a tender expression that only softened as the seconds rolled by. She reached out and moved her thumb along the underside of my eye and expanded her focus to massaging the creases in my forehead.
“You’re exhausted,” she declared.
All I could do was nod.
“Me, too,” she said. “And not just from this week.”
I’d heard Allison say something just like this when she decided to leave me. I braced myself for a death blow, but to my astonishment, Kathleen set her hands on my chest and pushed me onto my back. She then placed her head down on my chest and burrowed in.
“I could just go to sleep right now,” she announced.
“Do you want me to go?”
“Does this feel like I you want to go?”
“No.”
“Then stay. Just like this.”
“Are you sure?”
“I sleep so much better with you. Maybe that makes me weak.”
With great caution, I wrapped my arm around her back, allowing my hand to settle near her hip. “Far from it. I can’t believe you’re not kicking me to the curb after what I’ve just told you.”
She placed a light kiss on my chest. “Don’t overthink this. Forget logic and forget heartache and just let me hold you.”
SOMETIME LATER, I stirred awake, realizing I never told anyone where I was going or how long I would be gone. The afternoon daylight had disappeared from the spare bedroom. We’d been sequestered from the world for some time. I carefully detached from Kathleen’s arms and retrieved my phone from my discarded blazer. I ducked out to the living room and called Allison.
“Is everything all right?” she asked with a curious tone.
Chaos (Constellation Book 2) Page 23