by Ivy Jordan
I stood, moving towards him slowly with my arms opened, reaching for a hug. He pulled away, still angry, hurt, and obviously confused.
“I can’t do this,” he scolded, shoving his hands into his pockets and heading towards his truck.
My shoulders drooped, my knees started to buckle, and my entire body began to shake. What had I done?
I watched as he drove off, his eyes glaring towards the house, but past me. I turned to see Holly standing at the screen door, her eyes filled with tears, and I knew her little heart was breaking.
Chapter Seven
Liam
My head was spinning as I pulled away from Alyssa’s house. Holly was in the doorway, staring out at me, and it was apparent her eyes were filled with tears. What the fuck, a daughter, an eleven-year-old daughter?
I slammed the door to the truck as I got out, taking out the aggression I felt on the hard metal. Bill stood on his porch, waving in my direction. I didn’t even look his way. He should’ve told me.
I sat on the couch, pushed my head into my hands, and tried to wrap my mind around this situation. I was a dad. I had a kid. Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
My thoughts drifted to Aiden. He was my best friend. He knew, and he didn’t tell me. Did everyone think I skipped out on her, that I was a deadbeat dad?
The fresh cut flowers I’d bought at the greenhouse were standing tall in my mother’s vase. I stared at them as tears welled up in my eyes. “You were a grandma,” I whispered.
The accident was close to the time that I’d been deployed, so they had to have known Alyssa was pregnant, and that it was mine. My own parents didn’t tell me?
All of this betrayal, secrecy, it was driving me mad. I picked up my phone, dialed Alyssa’s number and was ready to tear into her when she answered.
Her voice was so beaten, so soft, that my anger started to dissipate as soon as she spoke.
“Did my parents know?” I asked softly.
“No,” she stated.
My throat closed, and I nearly choked as I fought back the pain in my heart. They didn’t know.
“I wasn’t showing yet before they took their trip,” she admitted.
Their trip. It was the trip my dad had planned for decades. He and mom would travel across the country, planning to go north to Seattle, and then towards Canada before they traveled down the East Coast, and back home. It would’ve been a six-month trip, but it only lasted one. They made it as far as North Dakota, and the semi-trailer in front of them lost control, killing them and four other drivers on the road that night, but sparing the driver, who was tested positive for alcohol.
A part of me had hoped they’d experienced the joy of knowing they would be grandparents.
“But, Aiden, he knew?” I asked, clearing my throat, and changing the subject.
“Yes, but I made him swear not to tell you. He took one look at Holly, and he knew she was your daughter,” she confessed.
Holly. My daughter’s name was Holly.
“I want to see her,” I demanded.
“That’s what I was trying to make happen this morning,” she hissed.
“Yeah, well, you kinda sprung that shit on me, and I wasn’t ready,” I snarled.
“Fine. She really wants to meet you,” she admitted.
“Stop by this afternoon,” I said quickly, and then hung up the phone.
Everything was so surreal. I couldn’t absorb the fact that I was a dad.
I rushed through the house, picking up the piles of clothes I’d thrown from my suitcase and wiping down another layer of dust. It smelled better in there finally, like someone was living there again, but it still felt dark and gloomy.
I found a couple throw pillows in the back closet, ones that my mom must’ve bought, but never used. They were colorful, bright orange with yellow flowers. I placed them on the couch to match the bright orange flowers in the vase I’d filled and started unpacking.
I’d spent the night in my old room, and the bed had broken my back. I stood in the doorway with my suitcase in hand, staring at the small, torturous bed. Nope. I can’t do it again.
I walked into my parents’ room. It was much larger, and the bed soft and plush. I set my suitcase on the bed and unzipped the top. I used the few hangers left in the closet to hang my dress shirts and then stacked my jeans on the top shelf.
I pulled open the top drawer of the large dresser in the room to shove in the pile of folded t-shirts. There was a small box, one that was familiar. I picked it up, holding the maroon velvet box in my hand, feeling a rush of emotions flow through me.
As I opened it, I was shocked to see it was still there. The ring I’d picked out for Alyssa, still tucked in the satin cushion inside the box, the diamonds, small but beautiful, set in an ornate band that looked vintage, even though it was new.
I sat on the bed, holding the ring in front of me, letting myself fall into the ‘what ifs’ of life.
A door slammed, pulling me from the past, and sending me restless into the present. Shit, she’s here.
I shoved the ring box back into the drawer, tucking it away until I decided what to do with it, and quickly made my way to the front door.
There she was. My daughter. Her long blonde hair flowed down her shoulders; her tall, thin frame offered curves like her mother, making her look much older than eleven.
I opened the front door and stood in the doorway as they made their way towards me. Alyssa smiled; even though it was faint and nervous, it was a smile.
“I was going to call first,” she muttered as she stepped onto the porch.
I held the door open, moving out of the way to invite them inside. Holly, my daughter. Wow, I couldn’t get used to saying that. She wasn’t as bouncy, as eager as she’d been that morning on her mother’s porch. I knew my behavior had something to do with that, if not all to do with it.
“Come on in,” I offered, watching carefully the small girl’s eyes as they lingered on mine.
Holly moved to the couch, taking a seat, but not moving her eyes from me. Alyssa stood nervously, still wearing that anxious smile. Her dark eyes shifted, making it obvious her discomfort with the situation.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” she waned.
Earlier? How about those last twelve years?
“I’m sorry for running out,” I offered, turning my attention to Holly.
I felt she had an advantage, knowing about me when I knew nothing of her for the last eleven years. Her full lips curled into a smile, one that matched her mother’s. I could see the resemblance of her mother, but only a touch. She had high cheekbones, thin eyebrows, blonde hair, blue eyes, a dimple sunk into her left cheek, and eyelashes so light, you could barely notice their presence. Yes, she was mine. She looked just like me, especially at that age. Tall, lanky arms and knobby knees: she had it all. Thankfully, her mother had given her a feminine physique, giving her a softer look. She was growing up, turning into a woman. I wasn’t ready for this child I’d never gotten to know to grow up, at least not yet.
“So, you’re my dad?” she asked nonchalantly.
“Well, just by lookin’ at ya, I think that’s a safe bet,” I teased playfully.
It was enough to pull a genuine smile from her face. Wow, she had her mother’s smile. I looked back at Alyssa, her once beautiful smile now just a faint memory. She could light up a room with that smile of hers, but the one she wore today, now, it wasn’t lighting up anything.
“I’m sorry we hadn't met before now,” I offered up as a lame excuse for not being in her life all this time. Not that it was my fault. I was still feeling the anger of Alyssa making that decision for me. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
“Are you mad?” she questioned, her tone shaky.
My heart ached at her question. Mad? I was mad at her mother, but not her. Is that what she thought, that I was mad at her, that she existed?
I moved towards her, taking a seat next to her on the couch. She didn’t s
hy away but kept her position on the couch firm and solid.
“No, I’m not mad. I wish I’d known about you before, but your mother was doing what she thought best,” I explained, not willing to throw Alyssa under the bus completely.
“Mom said you were fighting a war,” Holly exulted, staring into my eyes as if she’d just met a hero.
I had fought a war, but not for years. I could’ve come back sooner, much sooner. Hell, if I’d come back after the accident, I would’ve seen Alyssa’s belly growing.
“Yes, I was,” I responded, not ready to go into detail as to how long ago.
“Are you staying?” she asked, her eyes leaving mine and wandering around the house.
“I am,” I grinned, getting up from the couch. “You want a tour?” I asked, extending my hand to hers.
She grinned widely, took my hand, and bounced from the couch to her feet. I walked around the house, showing her each room. It felt so wild to hold her hand, to have her beside me. I couldn’t believe this was real.
“This was my room when I was your age,” I showed her the small room with the hard twin bed.
“Do you still stay in here?” she asked as her forehead wrinkled.
I laughed. “No.”
“Where do you stay?” she questioned.
I walked down the hall, her hand still tightly gripped in mine. Stopping in front of my parents’ old room, her eyes widened.
“So, I can stay in your old room,” she boasted.
Woah! What does she mean, stay?
I looked down at her, trying my best to hide my shock from her comment. She pulled away from my hand, ran down the hall, and told her mother that she had a room here.
“Holly, you’re moving just a little too fast,” Alyssa warned.
As I emerged from the hallway, Alyssa’s eyes moved to mine, offering an apology for the pushiness of her daughter, our daughter.
I hadn’t had a chance to think that far ahead, to the point where she would stay with me. My heart swelled in my chest as I stared at the little girl bouncing at her mother’s hip. She was nearly as tall as she was, which made me chuckle to myself.
“Can I stay?” Holly pleaded with her mom, who continued to stare at me with regret and remorse. “Please,” she whined.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Alyssa groaned.
“How else will I get to know my dad?” Holly argued.
“I don’t mind,” I inserted, even though a big part of me did mind. I didn’t know this child, mine or not. It was awkward, and I had no idea how to take care of her, what she needed, what she liked. But, she was right: how else would we get to know one another?
Alyssa shot me a look, one that made it clear that this wasn’t something she’d planned for when she arrived this afternoon.
“See, he said it’s okay,” Holly continued her argument.
“We will have to discuss visitation and custody,” Alyssa said sternly.
Visitations and custody?
“What, you tell me I have a daughter, and then I don’t get to see her?” I snorted with a half-laugh to lighten my angry comment.
“I-uh, I didn’t mean you couldn’t see her, of course, you can see her. I-uh, I just wasn’t thinking about all the details. You just showed up here, out of nowhere after twelve years. I’m not sure how to handle any of this. Maybe we should get a lawyer to help,” she explained.
“I don’t think we need a lawyer, do we?” I questioned.
Holly clung onto her mother’s sleeve, pulling it anxiously as her eyelashes batted in her direction.
“Please, mom,” Holly whined.
It was obvious this was too much for Alyssa to handle, now, maybe ever. Anger still rolled through my mind and my heart from her keeping this secret from me, keeping my daughter from me.
“I have to be at work, and you’re staying with your grandma,” Alyssa instructed firmly.
Holly’s nose wrinkled up as she stared up at her mother.
“I always see my grandma. I never see my dad,” she argued.
“I can bring her back when you get off work, or earlier to your mom if you need me to,” I chimed in, watching Holly’s lips curl into a smile.
“Okay,” Alyssa caved, defeat and exhaustion in her tone.
“Thank you,” Holly exploded, bouncing next to her mother.
“You can bring her to my mom. I’ll leave you her number; make sure she knows where Holly is at all times,” Alyssa ordered.
Holly left her mother’s side, rushed to mine, and gripped my right arm tightly as Alyssa wrote down Maria’s number on the back of a business card.
“You’re sure?” she asked, glaring at me with desperation in her eyes.
“Yeah,” I shrugged off her concern with a warm smile.
How hard could it be? Holly was eleven, not a baby. I’d let her run some errands with me, maybe get to know her a little bit, and then drop her to her grandma—to Maria. I dreaded seeing that woman again.
Alyssa gave Holly a warning glance, and then reached out to pull her from my side. I couldn’t hear everything she was whispering in the girl’s ear, but I was able to make out her telling her to call her grandma if she needed her—for anything.
I waved goodbye to Alyssa, watching as she continued to look over her shoulder as she made her way to her car.
“She always that protective?” I asked Holly as I shut the front door.
Her bright blue eyes rolled, and a crooked smirk smeared across her face.
“She acts like I’m a baby,” she hissed.
“I can’t imagine it’s easy to raise a daughter all alone. She’s just trying to do what’s best for you, I’m sure,” I insisted with a warm smile.
My hand lifted to the top of Holly’s head, pressing into her smooth, blonde hair.
“She chose to raise me alone. You would’ve come back if you knew about me,” Holly smiled.
I wasn’t sure how to handle this situation. I didn’t want to make her think ill of her mother’s decision, even though I did myself. But I also didn’t want her to think I stayed away by choice, that I wouldn’t have come back if I’d known, because I would have. Why didn’t anyone fucking tell me?
“I’m sure she had her reasons for not telling me, but yes, I would’ve been here,” I assured the little girl with my complexion, my eyes, and my bone structure.
“She needs to worry about doing what’s best for her and leave me alone. It’s not like she makes the best decisions herself,” Holly snapped.
I chuckled at her tone.
“You’re still a young girl. She’s not going to leave you alone for a while, possibly never,” I smiled, ruffling her hair.
“Grandma is always in mom’s business,” Holly sighed, realizing that what I said was probably true.
“See,” I laughed.
“But, grandma has a reason to be in mom’s business,” she added.
“Oh yeah?” I questioned, unable to refrain from trying to find out more about Alyssa.
“Yeah. She hates Bruce, and so do I. We don’t know why mom is with him,” she groaned.
Bruce. There was that name again.
“Why do you and your grandma hate Bruce?” I inquired.
There was a strange heat forming around my neck, and my heart fluttered against my chest. Why did I care?
“He’s a loser,” Holly said nonchalantly.
“That’s not very nice,” I scolded.
“He makes mom pay for everything. That’s why she has two jobs,” Holly sneered.
“Two jobs?” I questioned, realizing that the dentist office wasn’t open this late.
“Yes. She works at the laundromat at night,” Holly informed.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate. Are they living together? How long have they been dating? Do you think they’ll get married? I still wasn’t sure why I cared. I shrugged it all off, deciding that there were plenty other things to talk about with my daughte
r besides Bruce.
“Do you want to help me pick out some flowers?” I asked.
Holly’s smile melted my heart.
“Yes,” she agreed, gripping my hand and pulling it towards the door.
I reached behind me, snatching the business card from the table with Maria’s number. I’d promised that I’d let her know Holly’s whereabouts at all times.
Holly tugged my arm until we were out of the house and standing on the front porch. The flower beds were nearly full in front, but I wanted to cheer up the place in back with some flowers as well.
I opened the passenger truck door and helped Holly inside. As I walked around to the driver’s side, I pulled out my phone. I started to send a text to the number but decided to call instead. I couldn’t let the woman scare me anymore. I was here, to stay, and I was going to be a father to the daughter I never knew I had.
“Hello,” Maria’s voice sounded cold as she answered.
“This is Liam,” I started.
“I know who this is,” Maria snapped.
“I just wanted to let you know I am taking Holly with me into town,” I informed her, ignoring the tone she used with me.
“She has school tomorrow, so bring her here after,” she hissed.
“Same place?” I questioned.
“Yes,” she replied, and then hung up.
Nice talkin’ to you too, Maria.
“She doesn’t like anyone,” Holly smirked, shaking her head as I shoved the phone back into my pocket.
“She used to love me,” I laughed nervously.
Holly’s eyes widened. She sat straight up against the truck seat, her posture making her look taller and older.
“She did?” she asked eagerly.
“Yup,” I said proudly.
“Why doesn’t she now?” she questioned.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
“Is that what happened between you and mom?” she questioned.
I pulled the truck out of the parking spot in front of my house and drove towards town. I wanted to turn and look at her, to find out what she meant by that question, but she quickly finished her thought.
“You just didn’t love each other anymore?” she asked.
My chest felt heavy as I remembered leaving. I loved Alyssa with all my heart, even as I left her. I thought I was doing the right thing by her, but obviously, I hadn’t.