Also by Sudeep Nagarkar
That’s the Way We Met
RANDOM HOUSE INDIA
Published by Random House India in 2013
First published by Srishti Publishers & Distributors, New Delhi, in 2011
Copyright © Sudeep Nagarkar 2011
Random House Publishers India Private Limited
Windsor IT Park, 7th Floor, Tower-B
A-1, Sector-125, Noida-201301, UP
Random House Group Limited
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road
London SW1V 2SA
United Kingdom
This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
EPUB ISBN 9788184004281
To the girl I’m still in search of…
Tujhko pahne ke liye, khudko kho chukka hu,
Yakeen kar tujhe apna banakar tujhme khona chahta hoon.
Saal guzar gaye tere aankhon me aankhein daale,
Bas ek baar nazar se nazar milaana chaahta hoon.
Contents
And I Can’t Stop Loving You
In Remembrance
So Close, Yet So Far
A Surprise Encounter
Rat Race
Our First Meeting
A Day to Remember
Too Close, Too Fast
Sleepless Nights
Making a Discovery
A New Semester
Meeting Riya’s Friends
A Day of Surprises
A Nervous Meeting
Special Moments
The Seven Promises
The Beginning of the End
Second Year
Can’t Be Separated
A Bitter Ending
Riya’s Confession
Riya’s Confession Continues
Mistakes
All Alone
Changing Relationships
Break Up
The Worst Days of My Life
Shattered Dreams
Wasted Hopes
Thoughts
Strange Incidents
Unspoken Truth
Revelations
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
A Note on the Author
And I Can’t Stop Loving You
Why do I love you? Why do I want you?
You’ve always lived in my heart,
Then why did I let you go?
Why do I still care for you?
Why do I still wait for you?
Why do I still think of you?
When I know, you will never come back.
Maybe you weren’t mine.
My life is just wasted and it’s all true,
Wondering why I exist?
Why does my heart beat?
When I had lost my sweetheart,
Who was more important than this bloody heart.
Why I am ready to die for you?
Why I am ready to fly for you?
When I know I can’t do that.
Still I wish I had done something for you.
Why do I love you? Why do I want you?
You’ve always lived in my heart.
Then why did I let you go?
Now, being single, I think,
Why did I let you go?
In Remembrance
‘Why are you so stubborn? Don’t you understand you are heading towards a dead end?’ shouted Sameer. I was not in my senses and everything around me was in a haze. My mouth was reeking of alcohol. We were sitting on a small bench besides a garage where we usually hung out in the evening. It was like our own personal smoking lounge.
Sameer, my friend from the past six years, was an average looking person with an okay dressing sense, spectacles, cropped hair, and a weird English accent that I would always make fun of. I liked him because he was sincere and honest. As the proverb goes, ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’.
But at the present moment, things were turning sour between us. He raised his voice and said, ‘If you just want to do what you feel like and not listen to what I have to say, then get lost. I am leaving.’
‘Okay sorry,’ I replied. ‘I understand it’s not right, but I just don’t have the strength to face the real world. Not anymore.’
He gave me some water and the argument continued.
If I think about it practically, I was really taking my life to that end of the road from which there was no turning back.
I kept telling myself: No, I don’t love her. I don’t want her back. I am happy and enjoying my life. Who says my heart is broken? To hell with her! I will sleep with other girls. And why should I think of just one girl when she doesn’t give a damn about me as well?
But the fact was that I was just fooling myself by saying all this. I have always loved and cared for her, and I always will. Why do we love a person so much? I had no answer to that. I still wonder why did I let her go.
When I had called her on Spetember 10 to convince her to come back to my life and rescue me from the darkness, she had said, ‘You never loved me. It was just lust. You loved my outer appearance, not who I was on the inside. You hurt me, my feelings, and my love for you. You would not have ignored me otherwise.’
I had replied furiously saying, ‘No bachcha, I never tried to ignore you. But if you still think I did, I am ready to do whatever you want me to. You really think I loved you for your looks? I won’t justify myself but you know what the truth is.’
‘What matters is trust. And that you broke so easily. Trust, relationships, and the heart are three things that one should respect. But you broke all three and left me alone. Now just buzz off,’ she had shouted.
‘Fine, I won’t ever disturb you again. But before leaving, just tell me one thing—do you seriously not love me any more?’ I had asked. In my heart, I had really wanted her to say ‘Yes, I miss you, I want you, and I am all yours.’
But she had unfortunately said, ‘No, I don’t. I do not even care for you now. Please leave me alone. Bye.’
I remember thinking to myself: What the fuck is this! Lust… love…what does she mean? I love her. Never did I once lust for her. Did she mean that whatever she felt for me was lust? Maybe I don’t deserve to be her boyfriend. She loved me. She really did. I hope she did. But she says she did not. How is that possible? Is it the end of everything? Is it the end of happiness? End of our friendship? End of our relationship? Maybe it is the end of life for me…
That was the time I decided to take some firm decisions in my life.
As the Supreme Court verdict goes, ‘Dafa 302, sazaa-e-maut—to be hanged till death…’
To you it may seem silly, like I have gone crazy. But it sounded like the verdict from my broken heart.
‘SAZAA-E-MAUT. DRINK TILL DEATH.’
For life goes on…
I fell on the floor with a bang. My last words were, ‘I love you, I really love you. I never betrayed you. The situation was against me. Trust me, my bachcha, I am still crazy about you. My heart still skips a beat whenever I see you.’
But nobody was there to hear me. Nobody took me seriously. And I cried my heart out…
Raat itni tanhaa kyun hoti hai?
Kismat se apni sabko shikaayat kyun hoti hai?
Ajeeb khel khelti hai kismat!
Jise hum paa nahi sakte,
Usi se mohabbat kyun hoti hai?
> So Close, Yet So Far
October 11—a day which held the utmost importance in my life. I had been waiting for it since what seemed like forever and had done all the preparations for it. After all, it was Riya’s birthday. As I was five months younger to her in age, she used to tease me a lot about it. ‘You are younger, follow my orders’, she’d say. Three days prior to her birthday, I got thinking about what gift to buy for her. I searched a lot, and finally got a little teddy bear for 500 rupees from an Archies gift gallery. I even made her a handmade greeting card which said:
Forgive me for all the things I did.
I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you.
No sooner than you went away,
I realized your importance in my life.
Please give me my life back.
I need it. I miss it. And I miss you.
Yours,
Aditya
I woke up early in the morning. In anticipation of her birthday, I was unable to catch much sleep. I was anxious, afraid, excited, happy, nervous—all at the same time.
I plugged my cellphone earphones in my ears and drove my bike to Navi Mumbai where her house was located. I was continuously listening to our favourite song—Tujhe dekh dekh sona, tujhe dekh kar hai jagna, Maine ye zindagani sang tere bitaani, tujhme basi hai meri jaan…
Then I looked at my watch. It was 2.30 pm. Nervously smoking a cigarette, I dismounted from my bike and came and stood right in front of her apartment.
A cigarette later, I saw the time on my watch. It was 2.40 pm.
Ten cigarettes later, I saw the time again. It was 3.30 pm.
One cold drink and fifteen cigarettes later, 4.10 pm.
Two cold drinks and twenty cigarettes later, 4.40 pm.
I thought of giving up. Sameer, who had been waiting with me for over two hours, motivated me to continue.
‘She will come, dude. Just have patience.’
‘Why is it always me? Why can’t I get to talk to my love on her birthday?’
But I knew it was my mistake. It was all because I had taken the worst decision of my life. I was the one who had left her all alone. Why should I blame anyone else?
By the time it was 4.50 pm, I took my mobile and dialled her number.
‘Is it ringing?’ Sameer asked.
‘Not yet.’
‘Is it now?’ Sameer whispered after a few seconds.
‘Ssshhh…wait, its ringing.’
I could hear her hello tune.
Jab rulaana hi tha tujhe, to phir hasaaya kyun, saath rehkar bhi hai juda, to pass aaya kyun…
My heartbeats increased. I heard a sound at the other end. ‘Hello?’ I said in anticipation, but all I got was an automated response saying, ‘The number you have dialled is currently busy’.
What the fuck! I will throw my cell away. Why me, why always me?
‘Aditya, she’s here! Run,’ shouted Sameer when he saw her coming out from her apartment.
Yes, she was there. Dressed in a white top, low waist jeans, black bag, wearing black eyeliner, and her hair left loose. She was looking hot enough to drive me crazy. I was confused about how I should react. So I just ran away from there. It was a straight road with a curve at the end that led towards other apartments.
We stopped near the curve and watched her come towards us. My heartbeats turned faster. She came closer to me and I felt like I missed a heartbeat and would die right there.
I was paralysed. I didn’t know what to do. She was getting into an autorickshaw.
Damn, all in vain! I thought.
I gathered courage and ran in her direction with a box of chocolates in one hand and a wrapped gift in the other.
‘Riya, please wait,’ I shouted after her.
‘Bhaiya, HDFC bank chaloge?’ she said to the driver.
‘Please wait. Just give me two minutes. Please,’ I cried.
‘I am late, Aditya. Please, I can’t do this now.’
‘I just want two minutes of your time. I promise.’
‘Okay fine. Get into the rickshaw. You can come with me till HDFC.’
I got in. The bank was hardly one kilometre away. But it was still better than not getting a chance to speak to her at all.
‘How are you?’ I inquired.
‘Enjoying my life.’
I knew what it meant. She just wanted to show that she did not care for me anymore. She just wanted me to stop bothering her.
‘Oh really? So whats the plan for today?’ I asked her, wanting to hear her say, ‘Nothing, spending the day with my friends. You’re free to join us.’ But she responded with, ‘I don’t want to tell you. So don’t bother asking.’
This was the worst answer anyone could expect. Seriously. However, I was helpless. If I would have overreacted at that time, she would have thrown me out of the auto that minute itself. I had waited for this moment for a long time and I knew better than to ruin it. Therefore, I chose to remain mum. But the heart is a fool.
I shouted, ‘Why are you so rude?’
‘Aditya, it’s my birthday and I am going out with my friends. So please don’t spoil my day.’
Was I spoiling her day? I thought I would make her day special by giving her a surprise. But you can never really understand girls, can you? They are divine creations of God—mysterious and incomprehensible.
‘Happy birthday!’ I wished her.
‘Thanks. Now get down. We’ve reached HDFC.’
She told the rickshaw driver to wait and went to the ATM. I was still waiting for her by the auto. When she came out, I could tell that she was bit annoyed watching me still waiting there.
‘You haven’t left? Just leave, please. Don’t make me more angry than I already am.’
‘These are for you,’ I said handing her the gifts I had brought for her. I was keeping my fingers crossed since I was not sure whether she would accept them or not.
‘Thanks, but I can’t take them.’
I knew she would say that but I kept on insisting, ‘Please take them, please.’
‘No, I can’t. I will take these chocolates but not this big wrapped thing. Sorry.’
‘Riya, I bought these especially for you.’
‘So what? Throw it away.’ My heart cried in pain. I was helpless. I needed her. I needed her even more badly than before. My heart needed her the most.
She went away. I kept thinking if I should be happy that I saw her or sad that it turned out to be a bad surprise for her. Or should I think of all the money I wasted in buying her those gifts that she didn’t even bother taking? I could have made good use of the money and purchased four bottles of beer instead.
Why God? Why me? I cried to myself.
I will drink till I’m dead, I thought.
But was it really the end of life?
Nothing is permanent. Maybe my love story will take a new turn and I will have a happy ending after all. Or will it be vice versa? I was really trapped. My life had come to a standstill.
How should I get Riya back into my life? I thought about it a bit more.
But why did I let her go?
I always dreamt of falling in love and when I was in love, everything felt like a dream. It was a dream world with no limits. I got a girl who deserved a better person than me. Still she chose to be with me. I was her life. What happened then? Why did I do this to her? The dream ended in a way I never wanted it to. Nevertheless, the dream hurt for it was not real. So does falling in love hurt? After all, it is a fall. I now realized why people call it ‘falling in love’. I got my answers when I was left hurt and crushed from the inside, bleeding all alone…
A Surprise Encounter
I was just about to sit and study for my fourth semester paper when I got an SMS from Riya.
I always loved you, will always do. However, I will never come back. In fact, I cannot come back in your life ever again. Please move ahead without me. AND PLEASE STOP DRINKING AND SMOKING SO MUCH.
I closed the book in my lap and started to think of wh
o had told Riya that I drank or smoke too much. But I could not guess who.
Finally the exam day came. I had studied almost three chapters that usually carried a weightage of 40 marks. I knew I was going to screw up the paper badly. But fortune favours the brave. The three chapters that I had studied accounted for almost 80 marks in the paper. Now I was sure of clearing the subject and getting the golden figure of 40.
It was time to have a blast on the big new years’ night leaving all negativity behind me.
My friends and I spent the night as if it was the last day of our life. Food, chicken, beer, cigarettes—everything was devoured with hunger. I was driving my bike back home from the party at around 3 am. I stopped on the highway to smoke. I was just resting on my bike and was not really in my senses from all that drinking. A stranger tapped my shoulder from behind. I turned around to see a well-built man in his mid 40s wearing a white shirt, black trousers, and Woodland shoes.
He was looking into my eyes deeply. I could tell he was drunk too. Finally, he broke the silence.
‘What is your problem, son?’
I was confused and said nothing.
‘Are you in love?’ he questioned me.
How does he know I’m in love? I’ve never met him. I’ve never seen him before.
‘Tell me son, I can see you are not happy,’ he continued.
What exactly is happening? I was a bit shocked. If he turned out to be dad’s friend spying on me, then I knew I was going to get flushed out of my house.
‘I am deeply in love,’ I answered back.
‘Then what’s the problem? She does not love you or what? Or you never told her you loved her? Why are you becoming a devdas?’
This was too much for me to take. I really did not have an answer to all those questions. Who is this man? Was I really looking like devdas? What the fuck is happening!
‘Nothing uncle. She loves me too. However, she cannot come back to me and I can’t bear this pain anymore. I am just living for my parents now.’
‘You have to. They are the ones who care for you. They are the ones who live for you. They are the ones who work hard for your future. They are the ones who will have many expectations from you. They are the ones who gave you your life.’
Tears rolled down my eyes. I knew whatever he said was true. I realized I could not ignore all that he had said right now.
‘I am a 48-year-old Bengali, and we are born romantics.’
Few Things Left Unsaid Page 1