“I’m sorry,” I murmur to the person next to me. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Chapter Twenty
When I wake, light streams in through the cave entrance, and several people stand near me in a circle, arguing. Somewhere nearby a fire crackles.
The blaze from last night at the cottage flares behind my eyes.
Mr. Rodan addresses Lucas’s parents. “We can’t take her with us. It’s too risky. If she’s being pursued by these soldiers, then she clearly lied about not knowing who Lady Aisling is. We can’t trust her. We should send her back to wherever she came from.”
“I’m sure there must be a good reason,” Miranda says.
“And she’s clearly terrified, too,” Alfred adds.
“Every second we stay with you, we’re in danger,” Mrs. Rodan says. “We can’t risk it. I’m sorry.”
See how your compassion is repaid? Dar hisses. They have no appreciation for what you did for them.
Alarm floods my veins, and I let out a small gasp. They all turn to stare at me. I’d like nothing more than to disappear into the cave floor.
“Cary, Doyle, we’re leaving now before it’s too late,” Mr. Rodan says.
Lucas’s parents don’t make any move to stop them, and they set off without another word. Cary shoots daggers at me with her eyes as she leaves the cave, but Doyle regards me curiously. When they’re gone, Lucas and his parents focus their full attention on me.
“Emmeline, are you all right?” Lucas crouches down next to me, worry creasing his face.
I scramble to my feet, casting an anxious look between them. “I believe so,” I say.
I am greeted with silence, and a knot forms in my stomach. Alfred speaks first, shoving his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “Emmeline, why didn’t you warn us that the soldiers searching for you also worked for Lady Aisling the first time they came for you?” He crosses his arms over his chest. “You put Lucas and Doyle in grave danger, not to mention yourself.”
The accusation hits me like a bucket of cold water. And I can say nothing to deny it either.
My mouth flops open helplessly.
“How did you know those soldiers worked for Lady Aisling?” Miranda asks with a pained look on her face. “We suspected, but you knew who they were well enough to warn us last night that Lady Aisling had come.”
Don’t do it, Emmeline, don’t tell them anything. Deny it! Dar insists, but I find that I cannot. I’m weary of keeping things from these people I’ve grown to care for. Lying to them now would be an even worse betrayal.
I hang my head. “I’m sorry,” I begin. “Please don’t send me home. You don’t understand, they’ll take everything from me.”
“Why didn’t you tell us the truth earlier? We could have taken precautions. We could have been on our way long before last night.” Miranda shakes her head and turns away.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” Alfred says.
Please don’t tell, Dar whispers so fearfully that it nearly brings tears to my eyes. If they knew everything I’ve done to help Dar—stealing things, sneaking out at night—they’d be even more furious.
“One of Lady Aisling’s nobles visited my family’s estate last week. His name is Tate,” I say, choosing my words carefully. “He discovered my talent and my parents’ disgust for it when I was caught eavesdropping on him. He told my parents he could cure me, and they were going to send me away. I had no choice but to run. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my talent.”
Lucas reaches out and places a hand on my arm. His face is grim, something I’ve never seen on him before.
Alfred frowns. “Why didn’t you tell us this? What else are you hiding?”
Heat flashes up and down my body. I can’t tell them the rest without explaining Dar. And that just won’t do.
“I’ve never left home before. I was terrified and didn’t know who to trust. Please don’t leave me alone,” is all I can safely say.
Lucas sits down next to me while Miranda and Alfred exchange a resigned look and walk to the other side of the cave. They talk in low voices but we can still hear them.
“Our home has been destroyed. Usually we have a new one ready to go before we move, but not this time,” Alfred says.
“All our possessions are destroyed too,” Miranda says. “We’ve remained under the radar only because Lady Aisling doesn’t know about Lucas. But she knows about Emmeline, that much is clear, and she will never stop hunting her until she finds her. We’ve seen it before.”
My skin grows cold, and even Dar’s fierce hug cannot warm me. All I can see is the memory of Simone’s pale, haunted face.
“It isn’t your fault.” Lucas glares at his parents’ backs. “You couldn’t possibly have known what they would do, how far they would go.”
His words pierce my heart and I try to speak. “I—”
“They’re going to send you home, I know it.”
My breath halts in my lungs and I gape at Lucas. His face is deadly serious.
“They’re going to do it to protect me. That’s always the deciding factor in every decision they make.”
Dar screams in my ears. Go! Run before they try anything. They can’t be trusted!
I swallow hard, trying to shut her out. “I would be very sad to leave you, if they do. At home, my only friends are shadows. It’s been nice getting to know you and your family.” Heat burns behind my eyes.
“I won’t let them do it,” Lucas says grabbing my hand. “Come on, Emmeline. We need to go before they make up their minds.” He tugs me out of the cave toward the woods, but not before Miranda notices.
“Lucas! Wait!” she cries.
“We’re not abandoning my friend!” he yells back. Tears burn my eyes. But I don’t stop him. The terrible, dark part of me can’t bear to.
Don’t say a word, Dar warns. Not until we’ve done the ritual. Then you can tell him everything. Please, keep me safe just a little longer.
I do as my shadow insists and stay silent, though not for the reasons she thinks. Dar knew who those soldiers were and what they meant. She knows more about Lady Aisling than she has let on. And yet she tried to convince me to leave Lucas and his friends behind to her mercy. I can’t trust Dar anymore. Maybe it will change when she’s made flesh again, but not like this.
But Lucas, with his light that slips into every word and deed, I can.
We dodge through the forest while Lucas’s parents shout his name behind us. I feel sicker with every step, but his are determined, carrying us farther and farther away.
Chapter Twenty-One
Night fell hours ago, and now Lucas slumbers near the fire, the light from the flames teasing his hair. I’d be sleeping too if Dar hadn’t woken me, her cool, smoky fingers insistent that we get up. Lucas fell asleep with his hand in mine, and I have not yet risen, not wanting to let go.
We have one more task to complete before we can perform the ritual, Dar says. Then, no more secrets, no more lies. There will be no need. A gap forms in the shape of a smile.
Until recently, I’ve been thrilled by the idea of Dar becoming flesh and blood like me. But the weight of all these secrets is too heavy for me to carry much longer. I’ll be relieved for this to be over and done. She has become so jealous and strange. Last night, she knew the guards were near, but her only priority was stealing Miranda’s supplies that we needed. She didn’t even want me to save my other friends.
She would have been perfectly happy for them to be captured by Lady Aisling. And I fear Lucas and Miranda’s nightmares were not nightmares at all; that Dar did something to them like she did to Lord Tate.
With one wistful gaze back at Lucas, I pluck a few shadows to cloak me and we head into the woods.
“Where do we go tonight?” I whisper to Dar, careful to be quiet just in case the soldiers are still about.
A quick burst of guilt hits me that I’ve left Lucas alone, but there is no help for it now.
We only have to collect water blessed by the full blood moon. We passed a pond on our flight from Lucas’s family.
Her words trouble me. Lucas’s parents are good and kind and Dar’s tone suggests a certain sort of glee at being free of them. If anything, I miss them already.
We trudge through the woods, exhaustion making me sway. I’ve used a lot of magic in the past few days, and had so little sleep that it seems to be taking a larger toll than I expected. I’ve always used my magic daily before, but perhaps the lack of sleep is the culprit.
Don’t worry, Dar says, it isn’t far. This will soon be over.
She wraps her cool arms around me, and I lean into the gesture. When she is flesh again, I shall hug her for real.
The moon is full and bright over our heads and turns a deep crimson the higher it rises, tainting the shadows red. So this is what Dar meant by a blood moon. There is something unsettling about it, but I swallow my uneasiness and push forward. Soon I see a flash of silver between the trees. Relieved, I begin to run, or try to with halting steps. The small bottle Dar insisted we borrow from Miranda’s cabinets is in my pocket. All I need to do is fill it and then go back to Lucas and let sleep take me away from this regret.
When the woods break, my shadows converge on me. I drop to my knees beside the pond. My face reflects in the water and I realize with a start how much I’ve changed. The girl who gazes back is not the same one who left her parents’ home. That girl was soft and coddled.
The new girl has dirt smudged on her nose, and cuts from branches dot her arms and cheeks. And her hollow eyes sink into her face like something has been slowly draining the life from her.
Dar hovers over my shoulder, but she has no reflection in the still waters. It is only the lack of sleep. Soon you will be as robust as ever.
Is it? Or has something caused this, just like I fear Dar may have caused Lucas and Miranda’s nightmares? I shiver, then dip the small bottle in the cool water, disturbing the girl in the reflection. I didn’t like the way she gazed back at me. Something about her was haunted and hunted.
I stopper the bottle and slip it into my pocket. A hoard of shadows wriggles in the trees. My magic must be leaking from me in my exhaustion, calling them near when I don’t have a need. But they are sweet shadows desiring a little attention. I brush through them, letting my fingers trail over their edges in greeting, silently sending them back where they belong and bidding them goodnight.
The trek back to our little makeshift camp is a blur. My mind floats from worry to worry, and I begin to babble on to Dar about this and that as I weave through the trees.
“Do you think Lucas will forgive me?” I ask her.
If he has any sense he will, she says.
I stumble into the clearing where we camped and come face to face with a very awake and stunned Lucas. He holds my flour sack, and the rose and mortar and pestle I took from his mother are on the ground beside it. All the muscles in my chest clench, tearing my breath from my lungs.
He finds the words to speak first. “Who were you talking to just now?”
A scream claws at my throat. This isn’t how I wanted him to find out.
Don’t tell him, Emmeline, don’t—
“But I have to, Dar,” I admonish my shadow, making Lucas flinch. I have no other way to explain the contents of my bag. Perhaps if I can make him see it is in pursuit of a worthy cause he will forgive me. Maybe he’ll even help me.
“What—who—what are you doing with all these things?” Lucas holds up the rotting apple then drops it back into the sack in disgust.
I step closer, but Dar slips away and sulks near the tree line. “You know what I can do with shadows, Lucas. I’m a shadow weaver. But there is something else about me that I haven’t told you. I was afraid. Other people have… They’ve feared and ridiculed me for it.” My gaze lingers on the fire pit, which is beginning to sputter out.
Lucas sets the sack aside. “Why?”
I sit next to him carefully, like he’s some kind of timid animal I might frighten away. “My shadow.”
“Emmeline, you’re not making sense. What are you doing with all these weird things in your bag?”
I twist the shadows cast by my fingers into knots. “My own shadow is alive. She talks to me. And I can talk to her. She has been my best friend my whole life. Even when my parents tried to pretend I didn’t exist she was there for me.”
Lucas recoils. “How can that—how can that be?”
“Dar,” I say. “Come here.”
I don’t wish to, she says petulantly.
I sigh. “Dar, come here. Now.”
But she slides farther away until only a thin string connects us. I could pull her back, force her to come to me, but what would that prove? I can’t make her talk to Lucas.
“I’m the only who can hear her. It has something to do with my shadow magic. She’s a lost soul now, but she was human once.”
Lucas’s eyes widen. “What happened?”
“Lady Aisling.” I scowl.
His face pales. “You knew about Lady Aisling and what she could do all along?”
My heart sinks.
I told you not to tell him, Dar says, drifting back to my feet.
“I couldn’t tell you. Dar was one of Lady Aisling’s first victims. She became a lost soul as a result. But she found me the night I was born, drawn to my magic. What I told your parents was the truth—the Lady’s ambassador, Lord Tate, tried to get my parents to send me away with him. He was going to take away my shadow magic. Dar said she could help. I was desperate. She didn’t mean for it to happen, but Tate ended up in a coma. They sent for soldiers from Zinnia, and that’s when we ran away.”
Lucas skitters back, his expression hardening as the words I’ve wished to tell him for too long tumble from my lips.
“But that doesn’t explain any of this.” He waves his hand over my flour sack. My stomach twists.
“I promised Dar that I would help her become flesh and blood again. I’ve been collecting these things because I need them to perform a ritual that will restore her.” I scoot closer and reach for his hand, but he yanks it back. “Please understand, Dar is the only friend I’ve had since I was a baby. I can’t bear the thought of her being trapped as a shadow when she used to be human. I need to make it right. And when she’s whole again, she can fix what happened with Lady Aisling’s ambassador. She can put everything right, and then I can go home again.”
A lump in my throat swells, and I choke on the tears that threaten. Out here, facing Lucas, I miss home more than I ever have. I wish all of this had never happened.
Lucas’s face falls. “Weren’t we friends?” He scrambles to his feet. “Why didn’t you ask for help? You took my mother’s mortar and pestle. Those are family heirlooms. She needs them to make tonics and poultices to sell at the market. I’m sure if you’d just asked to borrow them she would have lent them to you happily.” He scoffs. “But instead, you hid things from us. We took you in. You lied about knowing who Lady Aisling is.”
“It was only because of Dar. You didn’t hear how she pleaded with me to keep her a secret. I couldn’t betray my lifelong friend.” I get to my feet, desperation settling into my limbs.
Lucas takes another step away. “No, but it was fine for you to betray us. Don’t you understand? They could have caught me! Or Doyle. Lady Aisling might have stolen my magic by now.” He shudders. “The Rodans were right. This is your fault. All of it. I don’t know if that shadow of yours is real or not, but if she is then it’s her fault too. You deserve each other.”
He snatches his knapsack from the ground and flees into the woods.
“No, Lucas, wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” I start after him, but Dar stops me.
Let him
be. We are better off without him. He won’t trust you again after finding his mother’s things in your possession.
My stomach drops into my feet, and I sink back onto one of the logs near the dying fire. Understanding burns through my chest. That must be the real reason Dar wanted me to take those things of Miranda’s; if I was caught, it would—and did—drive a wedge between me and my new friends.
Lucas is right. This is my fault. I’ve known it, felt it all along, but somehow managed to hold the brunt of it at bay. He and his family treated me so kindly that I thought for a moment that maybe I deserved it. Maybe I wasn’t too awful.
I was wrong.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I watch the fire until the coals are black and all the light and warmth I’ve craved for so long has vanished.
Chapter Twenty-Two
They never deserved your trust, Dar says in my ears. I would never desert you, no matter what. She curls around my shoulders as I race through the trees, heedless of the direction. When the fire finally died, my only thought was to get away. But there is no outrunning the burning in my eyes and the disgust billowing in my gut.
I thought of all of them, Lucas was the one I could trust to understand me. To have some empathy for my predicament. But I’ll never forget the awful, crushed expression on his face when he realized what I’ve done.
When did I become a liar and a thief? I did it all for a good cause. Or at least I thought I did. I just want to set things right, back the way they used to be before my world exploded.
A horse braying nearby halts my tracks. I pull my shadows close as quickly as possible, but not fast enough.
“There she is!” cries one of the soldiers. A flash of ghostly white—Simone—peeks out from the group of guards, sending a chill straight down to my marrow.
I flee, gathering more shadows with each step as fear coils inside my chest, ready to spring and strangle me. I dodge and weave, circling back over my tracks repeatedly to throw off any dogs they might have with them.
We are so close to making Dar flesh again. I can’t risk being caught now. I don’t know how long we run, but finally we are far enough away that I can’t hear the hoofbeats any longer, and my breath rasps through my lungs.
Shadow Weaver Series, Book 1 Page 14