“You okay, Jason?”I ask, placing my right hand on his cheek.
He closes his eyes briefly. As he opens them again I see a pained look cross over his face but it’s gone within seconds.
“Yes. I’m fine. I’ll see you tonight.” He says in a hurry, giving me a brief peck on the lips that leaves me wanting more.
Shortly after that he turns on his heel and starts going down the hall.
“Jason!”I yell as I quickly grab my camera off my dresser to take a picture of his beautiful behind walking away.
He turns around and I snap a picture of him.
I smile at him but he’s already turning back around to see it.
He doesn’t say anything. He just walks out the door without another glance back.
It’s been three months since the night I met and slept next to Jason Roberts, my Jason Roberts.
I sigh, closing the door and then leaning up against it. I place my camera back on the desk.
There is still nothing official between us yet, but it’s not for my lack of trying.
After that horrible night at Melanie’s party he’s told me he has things going on that make it hard for him to get into anything too serious but won’t elaborate and I don’t want him to pull away from me more than he already does, so I try not to bring it up a lot.
I don’t want to lose him. That would be devastating since my love for him has only gotten stronger. Our time together has been some of the happiest times in my life even with all the drama that’s happened.
Coming from a broken home, I only had one parent growing up and I never knew what the meaning of the word love was because I didn’t get it from my distant father or my verbally and physically abusive mother. I never thought I would ever find someone that would be able to make me feel like I could really love and be loved by someone.
I move to lie down on my bed.
It has been so easy to give my heart to Jason but it scares me and I’m not able to tell him how I really feel because I know he’s holding things back from me. I want him to open up to me but it’s hard to get through these walls he has placed that keep him from being himself with me.
I don’t know if he’ll ever let me get through to him and it feels like he’s distancing himself from me more and more every day.
I try to spend as much time with him as possible but sometimes he says he’s busy and that he’ll call me when he gets a chance but that never happens. It seems like I’m the one that puts the effort into seeing him.
I’m starting to feel like he really doesn’t have strong feelings for me like I do for him, even though at times his actions say differently.
That night about a month ago, I thought for sure things between us wouldn’t be the same since he assured me there was nothing going on with Melanie or anyone else, and I believed him. I realized that he obviously cared about me enough to fight some drunkard because of his happy hands. The least I could do was trust the fact that he wasn’t doing anything to purposefully hurt me.
Things ended exceptionally well that night…especially when we got back to my dorm and Magda vanished. But after that, he slowly started slipping through my fingers again.
Just recently he’s had less time to spend with me and he’s been more distant than usual.
He gets calls that he won’t take in front of me and if he does for some reason, he’s in a bad mood afterward so he ends up making up any excuse to leave. Then I won’t hear from him until a few days later, if I don’t reach him first.
It hurts me to know that he doesn’t feel like he can be honest with me. I’m at a disadvantage because there’s nothing that I can do to take the pain that I see in his eyes every day, away due to whatever it is that’s holding him back from me.
The only way that he shows me any kind of emotion is in the way he makes love to me—every time it always feels like it’s the first time because he’s always so loving and caring. He’s patient enough to make sure I get my pleasure before his. He holds me after and whispers sweet things to me as I lay there and fall asleep to his voice in my ear.
Those things make me feel like I’m his world and like he feels the same way that I do. But I’m not naïve enough to think that’s true because I know there’s something invisible between us that he can’t get past and won’t allow me to get through.
“So, is Jason coming to Jesse’s tonight?” Magda asks interrupting my melancholy thoughts as she makes her way into our room from the shower.
I stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, he said he’ll be there.”
“Is everything good with you guys, after all the drama that’s happened?” She questions, looking through her closet full of scantly clothing.
I close my eyes and listen to Tatiana Owens’s ‘Pendulum’ song playing before I answer, “I’m not sure. He seems more distant now since that night in December--and you know I told you he doesn’t want to make anything official with me. It’s like he pulls me in and then pushes me away for no reason. I’ve tried getting him to talk to me about whatever it is that’s bothering him but I haven’t been able to get through to him for the past three months.” I open my eyes and take a deep breath. “I’m scared Magda, I feel like I fell hard for this guy and he might not feel the same--am I just seeing things?”
“Listen, Chica. I don’t know what’s up with him. I feel like I’m on the same rollercoaster as you are because to me he proved that you are something more to him that night at the party. But then…he keeps you at arm’s length and pulls back on his intensity.” She sighs before continuing, “I told you the day after you met him to be careful with him. He looks like a total heartbreaker and you seem to have fallen for him without getting the same feelings in return. I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe he’s got secrets that he doesn’t want to tell you about.”
I sit up and pull my knees to my chest before I look directly at her. “I know, but what kind of secrets, Magda? What could he possibly be hiding from me?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know, but the sooner you find out the sooner you can let him go and move on with your life,” she states matter of factly.
“I can’t. I can’t do that. I’ll never do that. I--I’m in love with him and I don’t want to ever let him go.” I whisper loud enough for her to hear me.
She stops abruptly and makes her way towards my bed plopping down next to me.
“You love him?” She asks in a highly amused tone.
I turn my head towards her. “I don’t know. I mean, I can’t stop thinking about him. He invades my thoughts without me even knowing it. I don’t want to go a day without seeing him, hearing his voice, feeling his touch…it’s like a part of me is missing when I’m not around him. The holidays were rough because he didn’t talk to me that whole time. I never asked him why because I figured he needed to spend time with his family….but who really knows after what Melanie said.”
My nerves have me biting my fingernails as I continue, “I mean, I don’t want to be clingy or question him about his whereabouts since we technically aren’t anything to each other. I know he’s pretty standoffish sometimes so I let him have his time to himself or to do whatever it is that he does, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking and dreaming about us possibly having a future together.”
She sighs heavily. “Well, girl…that doesn’t sound like you don’t know you love him. It sounds like you know you love him and if that’s the case you better tell him and see if he feels the same. That way it will be easier for you to ask what he’s hiding from you and why he pushes you away so much,” she says looking at me thoughtfully.
My brain starts thinking of the possibility that he doesn’t love me, let alone care for me. “Oh my God, Magda what if he doesn’t love me back..?” I close my eyes again, trying not to think the worst about my current non-existing relationship with him.
She squeezes my shoulder. “He does…maybe he just needs you to say it first. You’re never going to know if you don’t just go for it. Are you guys just s
eeing each other, like exclusively? Do you think there’s someone else?”
I glare at her, outraged that she would ask me something like that knowing everything that happened with Melanie. “NO! He’s not seeing anyone else. We’ve been through this. He adamantly states that there isn’t anybody but me, even though Melanie made it seem otherwise. There has never been a reason for me to not trust his word.” I pause to contemplate whether or not I should continue to prove my point.
I give in and provide more detail, “Even when we make love, it feels like the first time it did two months ago— it’s like I’m his reason to breathe and he’s mine. Obviously, I know that I want him to feel something for me…anything at this point. Maybe it’s my imagination but I think I see something in his eyes every time he looks at me and when he touches me it feels like he never wants to let me go but his overall attitude towards me sometimes is distant so it makes me doubt everything.”
“First of all TMI and you can’t trust Slutinez she sucks ball sacks….” She says smiling trying to lighten the mood but it doesn’t work.
She clears her throat and continues, “Second, I told you, you should tell him how you feel. That way you know once and for all whether or not he feels the same and if he wants to be in a “real” relationship with you. Instead of doing whatever it is you guys have going on that’s not labeled anything.”
I rub my face with my hands. “Fuck! I know you’re right. I’m just so scared of what he’ll say. I don’t want to push him away further than he already is. I care about him too much to let him go,” I say feeling tears stinging my eyes just at the thought.
She hugs me. “You won’t, you’ll see—“She pauses before continuing, “Look—I shouldn’t be telling you this because he made me promise not to but I think you need some reassurance right about now. So--do you remember about two months ago when I told you that I was staying over at Derrick’s house for the weekend?”
I pull away from her embrace and look at her confused. “Yeah...that’s the time Jason showed up to surprise me early from Thanksgiving break…” I say hesitantly not knowing where this conversation is going.
She shifts uncomfortably but still goes on, “Well…the truth is, I didn’t really stay with him. I encountered Jason on campus—I’m assuming that it was when he was on his way to surprise you…anyway, he asked if I could make myself scarce because he was planning on spending the weekend with you. He put me up at the Kress Inn across the street so that you guys could have your alone time together. He didn’t give me all the details or anything--he just needed me to do him this favor—for you.”
I’m still trying to process her words when she takes a deep breath. “The point is he was doing it all for you and from your last piece of ‘TMI’ you’re no longer the horrid v-word that I knew you were even though you never told me…but I digress. He obviously showed you a good time that night and every night since then…so you see, you have nothing to worry about.” She pats me on the back as I sit there with eyes wide and mouth gaping open.
“Are you serious?” I ask incredulously.
The song changes to Trey Songz’ ‘Heart Attack’ when she assures me, “Yes, he didn’t ask for my help on anything, besides disappearing, of course.” She shrugs and looks away.
Tears stream down my face now because I remember that time, two months ago. It was the first night we made love—the night I gave myself to him. I also remember that on that same night I accepted the fact that I have always loved Jason, more than life itself.
I close my eyes and shiver at the memory of his touch, the feel of his skin on mine, the feel of him inside me…
“HELLO? Did you hear me?” Magda’s voice makes me snap out of the vivid memories.
I clear my throat and blush. “What?” I ask wiping away any remaining tears.
“OH EM GEE, you were having a vivid flashback weren’t you? You slut!” She laughs as I shake my head and say nothing.
“I said--you and Jason will be fine! Now get your skinny ass ready for this bitchin’ party!! That’s an order!” She scolds, pulling me up from the bed.
I mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to do.
I tell myself how there’s no better time than the present to find out what Jason really feels about me. I have to suck it up and make things clear between us and I won’t back down easy. There has to be something there, it can’t just be one sided, not after what we’ve shared. There’s no way I’m alone in this, at least, that’s what I’ll keep repeating until I see him tonight.
With that conversation over, we get ready for Jesse’s party and make our way to 327 Marsh Street where it’s being held at. Throughout our walk there, I get more and more excited at seeing Jason because it’s about time I tell him how I feel. This time nothing is going to stop me from doing it.
To make it more appealing I even tried dressing a little sexy tonight with my tight black skinny jeans and red corset that pushes my little goodies up high--no worries though--it’s not even close to being Magda scandalous. Besides I have a black blazer to cover myself up some. I finished the ensemble off with some mid-thigh high Steve Madden boots.
I am determined to find out what it is he feels about me and what he’s hiding so I figure there’s nothing wrong with pleading my case looking hot as hell.
I just don’t want any secrets between us anymore. I want to be with him exclusively or at least have him acknowledge the fact that we’re more than “friends”.
The closer we get, the louder the music coming from inside the house becomes. As we approach, I clearly hear LL Cool J’s ‘Headsprung’ blasting through the speakers. That makes me realize that it’s a packed house tonight, for sure. Nobody is outside since it’s the middle of January and it’s a tad chilly to say the least.
We get to the front door and walk in to see everyone drinking and talking. Snooze-Fest!
Magda and I make our way to the basement because that’s where the party really is. I search for Jason on our way down the stairs but I don’t see him so I figure he must already be down there. We reach the basement and it’s crowded with people dancing and singing along to a song I haven’t heard before.
“I’m gonna go find Jason, I’ll catch up with you later.” I scream over the music as I start to walk in the opposite direction to find him.
“Good! If I see him I’ll tell him you’re looking for him. Good luck!!!” She screams back then winks at me.
I see her walk to Nick, her new boy toy, whom she met the same night I met Jason.
Looking around, I check my phone to make sure that I didn’t miss anything from him telling me he’s going to be late or something. Nothing…so I make my way towards Mike, one of Jason’s friends and roommate. I met him a week into our non-labeled relationship and he’s been a blast to hang out with ever since.
He’s a sweet guy and very popular with the ladies because of his dirty blonde hair and perfectly round face that’s accompanied by some green eyes and a very muscular build --who wouldn’t be attracted to him? He of course, does nothing for me, at least not compared to what Jason does, no one compares to him.
“Mike!” I yell over the music, which now is ‘Jesse’s Girl’ by Rick Springfield. “Have you seen Jason?”
“Hey, Babycakes! No I haven’t, sorry. I didn’t even know he was coming.” He shrugs.
I smile at his endearment.
I swear all of Jason’s roommates and friends look so rough around the edges but they are all so sweet on the inside--it’s sickening.
I shake my head as I look around for Jason once more. “He told me he was gonna be here…weird. Have you not seen him at all today?” I ask feeling unsure of his whereabouts.
He leans down close to my ear so I can hear him better, “No. I haven’t. I had classes all day and didn’t have time to stop by our place. Maybe you should ask Ryan?” He suggests looking over his shoulder where Ryan is operating the Keg with a bunch of skanky looking girls hanging off of him.
I smirk and roll my eyes. “Makes sense. I’ll go ask him. Thanks Mike!” I yell, waving goodbye.
Ryan and Jason share a room together so that pretty much makes him more apt at knowing where he’s at most of the time.
“Ryan!!” I shriek as I go in for a big bear hug.
It’s impossible to not love Ryan. He’s six foot ten and part of the St. Norbert Knights basketball team. He is the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome and every girl on campus knows it.
“Alex!!!! What’s up sweetheart?” He asks, ignoring all the blonde skanks around me and giving me his full attention.
He’s always a smooth talker which is the reason behind his ‘Playgirl’ status.
I ignore the death glares from the bimbos. “You seen Jason? He said he would be here tonight,” I ask getting on my tiptoes so that I can lean close to his ear to make these bitches jealous.
I smile innocently when I pull away.
Ryan’s eyes go wide and his eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean have I seen him? He left today…” He says sounding confused, like I should know what he’s talking about. I don’t.
The color drains from my face and my heart starts racing. “What are you talking about, Ryan? Where did he go!?” I ask frantically.
What does he mean he left? What’s happening? I clench my hands into fists and start to breath heavy.
He flinches. “Alex…are you okay? You look pale…”He says grabbing my arm.
I pull away from his grasp. “I’m fine! Just tell me what the hell you’re talking about!” I say through gritted teeth.
He looks around nervously before moving us over to the opposite side of the Keg so that we aren’t discussing this in front of everyone in line.
Once we are out of earshot he runs his hands through his dark hair. “All right…all right…he left--I mean…he dropped out of school today. He didn’t tell me why or when he was going to do it, I just knew he was. When I got to our dorm today, all his stuff was gone. So I figured he finally did it. I thought he had told you, I’m so sorry...” He says apologetically, trying to grab my arm again.
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