General Tso Tastes like Chicken
For a time, the world seemed to recede. Only delicious, juicy redness remained. It was kinda nice.
All good things must come to an end, though, and, eventually, my surroundings started to register upon my senses again. I didn’t feel particularly great. My arm still hurt like nobody’s business, but I felt better.
As I shook my head, like waking up after a long nap, I became aware of shouting around me - threats perhaps, but they were silenced following what sounded like twigs being snapped. I opened my eyes, blinked, and found a familiar face staring down at me. “Theodora?”
“Freewill,” she replied, sounding annoyed. She was a bit disheveled. Her dress was torn and covered in slime that I suspected was originally orange in color.
Oh crap.
“The Jahabich!”
“Yes,” she spat. “We are still dealing with them. Now, if you are quite finished making a scene, we should get back to driving the invaders off.”
“Scene?”
“Yes. I dare say, feeding upon one of this country’s Joint Chiefs of Staff has rendered it necessary to kill his bodyguards before they could shoot you - further depleting our already strained resources, I might add.”
“Wait, I killed someone?”
“I do not think he is quite dead yet, but...”
I followed her gaze to the torn uniform, the General’s stars scattered about it, and the unblinking eyes staring up from the pale skin of his face. “Oh my God!”
“Fret not, child, the humans were not overly effective to begin with. Their weapons were mostly useless against our foe.”
She was completely missing the point - what a surprise. While I’d bitten people before, it had never been out of mindless hunger. Well, okay, I was pretty sure I’d killed a bunch of folks when I’d been vamped out as Dr. Death, but I was sort of out of my mind during those times - not that it made it right. Now, however, I’d crossed a line. I’d gotten hungry and hadn’t even considered the consequences. Hell, what if that had been Tom?
Of course, if it had been Tom, that would have been horrible. He was my best friend and I would have never forgiven myself. On the flip side, if that were the case, I also wouldn’t shortly be appearing on every Secret Service Agent’s most wanted list. Just what I needed, a federal manhunt to add to all the other shit in my life.
I shook my head. No, that was being a selfish dick. What if this guy had a family, kids? I needed to get my head out of my ass and stop thinking about only myself.
“Are you quite done yet? Because if not, then I shall happily drag you along in a manner most uncomfortable.”
Okay, maybe I could save the tortured soliloquys for later. Theodora wasn’t a chick to mess with, and she didn’t seem like a particularly happy camper at that moment.
“Relax, we’re both on the same side,” I said, pulling my eyes away from my victim and forcing myself to stand. I wasn’t powered up anymore, but I was happy to find myself at my normal levels with no debilitating hunger pangs. Considering how the day was going, I’d happily take breaking even.
“Are we? I am no longer certain of anything,” she snapped, her eyes flashing black. “Know, though, if you are still true to your mission, you had best have a good reason for causing me such public humiliation.”
“Me?”
“Yes. I assume all of this has been part of your scheme to bring down Al...” she hesitated for a moment, probably to avoid using Alex’s name in a room full of beings with preternatural hearing. “Our mutual foe. Are you telling me it has not?”
Oh shit. “Um, nope. Everything is going smoothly. Just like clockwork. Could set your watch to it.”
“Good, then I hope you have a suitable conclusion in mind to satisfy that requirement before this farce goes on for much longer. Perhaps the Icon...”
“Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise,” I lied, looking about and immediately wishing I hadn’t.
The remaining combatants on our side had formed themselves into tightly knit units to fight off the Jahabich. As for our enemies, there was one bright spot: so many had been killed that their bodies were forming unnatural barriers for the rest. This caused their attacks to lose focus, allowing the various beings that still stood against them to hold their own. Even so, it was obviously a bloodbath. Piles of ash littered the floor. Blood of multiple different hues coated every other surface. Bodies lay...actually, there weren’t many bodies at all. That wasn’t good. It meant the Jahabich were harvesting.
Oh well, there wasn’t much that could be done about that. We needed to worry about surviving and finding a way to drive them back.
Speaking of surviving. “Yeah!” I shouted triumphantly, spotting Sally amongst one of the groups of combatants. She was pretty battered and, once more, her clothing was ripped in ways that showed far more skin than she probably wanted to.
Sadly, she wasn’t in the best of company. I saw her fighting with Alexander and Yehoshua nearby. Their strength was keeping the enemy at bay, but I couldn’t exactly say I entrusted her life to them. At least she didn’t look to be in immediate danger. Even with her memories wiped, I still had faith in her as a survivor.
That was one. Now where was...there! Sheila likewise stood her ground across the way from us. The Jahabich didn’t seem as bothered by her faith aura as some other beings were, but whatever properties her powers had, one of them seemed to be bolstering her sword enough to slice and dice those creatures a good one. Sadly, she fought alone...no vampires wishing to dirty themselves by allying with her. Assholes.
That was about to change, though. Weapons lay strewn about from the fallen. I was tempted to grab another blade, but then remembered how useless they were against these monsters. It was weird how brittle it had been. Oh well, there were plenty of silver stakes lying around, as well as a severed Jahabich arm nearby. Not a bad combo, all in all.
“This way.” I started forward, using the piles of dead or cauterized Jahabich as cover. No point in dying before I could be my lady’s knight in not-so-shining armor. Sadly, stealth worked a lot better when you didn’t have an ancient Elvira-wannabe jiggling alongside you. Of course, if I were her age and respective rank, I might be a bit less subtle, too.
As I played ninja, Theodora strode through the battlefield like it was a mall trip. A few of the monsters saw her and apparently thought she’d make for an easy mark. A couple of seconds later, I was dusting rock chips off of myself.
“You know, this would be a lot easier if you wouldn’t mind sharing...”
She turned and fixed me with a glare. “If you even suggest putting your fangs upon my person, I shall rip them from your mouth in...”
“A manner most unpleasant?”
“Exactly.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
We reached Sheila’s location not a moment too soon, as just then, the Jahabich surged forward again in force.
She swung her sword, still crackling with white fire, and two of the monsters were cleaved clean in half. The orange spooge that seemed to make up their lifeblood sprayed out in an arc. I tackled a third that was about to flank her. It was like ramming my shoulder into a concrete piling, but I managed to knock it down long enough to ram a silver stake into its eye-socket. Using both hands, I shoved the weapon in as deep as I could, the metal grating against stone, making a sound like nails on a chalkboard. Thankfully, it was enough. After a few moments, the creature stopped squirming.
I looked up to find Theodora had likewise joined the battle, quite literally cracking skulls.
A hand appeared in my periphery. It was Sheila, the glow around her dying down to levels where I wouldn’t immediately regret it. Oh, who was I kidding? I would have taken her hand even if it was covered in wasps.
“Thanks,” she said, helping me up.
“Looked like you could use a hand.”
“I’m doing okay, but yeah. Glad to have it.”
“If either of you think I am doing this
alone so as to allow you some quality time, you are sadly mistaken,” Theodora growled over her shoulder. “Fight with me so we might dispatch these creatures or...” She let the threat hang in the air.
“Yep,” I replied, rolling my eyes at her backside. “Wouldn’t want to hold up our sentencing any longer than we have to.”
A lopsided grin appeared on Sheila’s face as once more she hefted her sword. “I’d certainly hate to inconvenience anyone.” She stepped forward and struck a glancing blow against one of the monsters, her sword sending up sparks as it rebounded off of the creature’s arm.
Theodora stopped her onslaught just long enough to turn and glare. “Make no mistake, Icon, I am not your friend. However, the Freewill has assured me that you will be instrumental in helping our common cause. For that reason alone, I tolerate your continued survival.”
“Common cause?”
“It’s...complicated,” I said, still having no fucking clue as to what I was doing past surviving this bloodbath.
Thankfully, in a cosmic sort of way, the fresh tide of Jahabich chose that moment to hit us hard. Sheila kept her aura reined in, mindful of those of us nearby who might otherwise be a bit scorched by its power, but it still shone like a beacon through her sword - a weapon that had felt the touch, and seemingly channeled the power of, two Icons.
She sliced and diced, cutting through their rocky hide, maybe not quite like butter, but definitely like crusty bread. A few managed to breach her defenses, hitting glancing blows that drew blood, but each time she managed to parry and drive them back. It was quite awesome to behold.
Thea wasn’t chopped liver either. Hers was a brutal style, matching a vamp of extreme age who’d learned to use physical strength to their advantage. She sliced open gashes and tore out chunks from her foes as if trying to cause them as much pain as possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure if the Jahabich were incapable of feeling pain or just didn’t give a fuck. Either way, they tended to die quietly only for the next one in line to step up and take its place.
That left me as the odd man out, trying to fight off a pair of them and just barely keeping myself from getting my head caved in. Fucking bitch. All Theodora had to do was let me take one fucking sip from her. Hell, I would’ve even pretended not to like it much, but no. Some chicks were just squirrelly about hickeys, I guess.
Fortunately, I’d been in enough scrapes to know a thing or two about ducking - my fighting style characteristic of the phrase “not in the face!” Luckily for me, the Jahabich weren’t the most graceful of fighters in their rock-man forms. Whatever knowledge or skills they possessed in their former lives appeared to be suppressed in favor of brute force. That was a plus in my book. A half ton of granite-covered ninja would have been a major bitch to deal with singularly - much less an army of them.
Positioning myself carefully, I waited for the perfect moment. The first of the creatures swung wildly for my head as the second stepped in. I threw myself to the ground, letting the blow pass harmlessly over me and straight into the waiting jaw of its friend. The stricken one went down, and I used the distraction to grab hold of the foot of the first and heave with everything I had, sending it tumbling down the incline of the stadium seating upon which we stood.
“A crude but effective strategy,” a smooth voice intoned. I turned, expecting the worst, but found Yehoshua’s smiling form looking down upon me. Sheila glanced at him over her shoulder, but seeing him offer me a hand up apparently convinced her that she needed to keep her focus on the enemies we were fighting off.
Theodora seemed slightly more than pleased to see him. “Joshua. I had wondered where you had gotten off to.”
“I have been surviving, dearest Theodora, surviving and sending these devils back to the Hell from whence they no doubt came.” He stepped in and started kicking ass, allowing me a moment to breathe. “I have to admit I find it somewhat interesting you fighting side by side with faith’s warrior.”
“Must we discuss this now?”
“I just find it mildly fascinating being that you were the one most vehement in bringing the Icon to justice.”
“Oh?” Sheila asked, performing a nice spin with her sword that took off a Jahabich’s legs in the backswing.
“Yes, Shining One,” Yehoshua replied, inclining his head toward her, “but please take no offense. I believe this stands as an excellent example of how one’s role in life can be ever fleeting. Enemies may become allies, and allies may be at one another’s throats with but a change in the wind.”
I doubted Sheila had any idea of what he was talking about, but I had a sneaking suspicion that was his way - far more subtle than his girlfriend’s - of reminding me that he and Thea would be more than happy to see Alex’s plans end up in a big stinking pile of shit.
“Though it is obvious treachery has brought us to this point today,” he continued, “I can see the benefit that might be reaped from it.”
“Benefit, Joshua?” his Morticia Addams lookalike girlfriend replied, caving in the chest of a Jahabich with a single kick. “I do not see much benefit to be gained here unless one counts the potential for exercise.”
“Have faith, my dearest,” he replied. Sheila glanced at him and he smiled warmly. “Yes, child, I know a thing or two about faith myself. Once upon a time, I even counted one of your number as a friend.”
“Must we?” Thea protested.
“But alas,” he said, nodding differentially to his gal pal, “such matters are ancient history.”
Unfortunately, all of this banter served to distract Sheila. She turned her head at an inopportune moment and one of our enemies stepped in swinging. I moved to react, but the creature was faster - connecting with a bone-jarring hit to her left arm. Her aura flared to life at the last second, protecting her from the worst, but it still slammed home with sufficient force to make her cry out in pain, dropping her weapon in the process.
As powerful as Sheila was, she apparently had her Kryptonite. First those black blades, and now these monsters’ ability to at least partially resist her abilities.
Well, fuck that. These things got one good hit in. There was no way I would let them get another.
The monster pressed forward with its attack, raising its arms above its head to deliver forth a crippling blow, but this time I shoulder tackled Sheila aside, her aura flaring to life again - thankfully, a moment too late to hurt me. Then, bracing myself for the fucks to come, I bent and grabbed her sword.
Yeah, I was right...FUCK!
My hands instantly ignited, a sensation I was hesitant to proclaim as pleasant even at my most masochistic. Not wanting to waste any unnecessary time holding the flaming death stick, I pointed it and jabbed - sending the tip of the blade into the Jahabich’s mouth and out the top of its fucking head. I let go and tried to douse the fire by jamming both hands into my armpits - pretty much just spreading the flames to other parts of my anatomy. I made a quick mental note to not grab my junk next.
The monster I’d impaled stood with a blank expression upon its face for a moment and then keeled over backward, the hilt of the weapon still sticking out of its mouth. Oh yeah, fucker! I bet that hurt you more than it hurt me...if only barely.
Tears streamed freely down my face by the time the flames died down, leaving my hands blackened and blistered. Fortunately, Sheila was back on her feet by then. Her hand lay upon her bruised arm and it glowed, no doubt mending the injury. Neat trick. I wished it worked on me.
I dropped to my knees, waiting for my own enhanced healing to kick in and knit the two charred lumps of flesh at the end of my arms back into some semblance of working hands. Sheila stepped toward me, concern in her eyes. She reached out, letting her aura die down, and I would have liked nothing better in the world than to have let her finish that action. Alas, now was perhaps not the best time to share a moment.
I shook my head and gestured in the direction of her sword. Whatever she wanted to do or say could wait until she was properly armed again. I d
idn’t want to see a repeat of what had just occurred.
She grabbed the weapon by the hilt and placed one foot upon the dead monster’s chest to give herself leverage to yank it out. While she did that, I glanced over to see how our two resident Draculas were faring - pretty good, by the look of it. A crunch of rock came with every swing they took, filling the air and sounding as if they were busy digging out a mine instead.
So loud was it that I didn’t notice the danger standing behind my kneeling form until it was too late.
“You are a great hero, my love, and deserve a hero’s reward.”
My eyes opened wide as a petite hand grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head back. Gan’s crazy green eyes met mine and I saw she held a gleaming silver knife in her other hand.
I barely had time to scream as she raised the weapon.
* * *
I wasn’t sure what the fuck was going on, other than Gan had finally lost it and was now looking to finish the job her father had started when he’d sent his assassins to behead me. Apparently, she’d had enough of my roaming eyes and had decided that if she couldn’t have me, no one could.
Unfortunately, I had no leverage and my hands were still too damaged to do much more than flail uselessly. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Gan possessed several times my strength. In such a position, there wasn’t much I could do except hope she was joking.
“Listen, you don’t want to do this.”
“But I do, beloved.”
With that, she stuck her tongue out playfully and sliced the blade across it in one quick motion.
“Gan, what the fu...ugh!”
Her juvenile mouth pressed against mine, suppressing the scream that really wanted to escape with every fiber of my being. She held my head fast, preventing escape as her lips locked onto mine and she shoved her tongue into my mouth before I could slam my teeth shut.
Holy shit! I was being mouth-raped by a three-hundred-year-old psycho in a twelve-year-old body, and there was nothing I could do about it. First, I’d fucking killed a senior official in the current government’s administration, and now I would almost certainly end up on some sexual predator list for sure. Yeah, I was definitely having one of those days.
The Tome of Bill (Book 6): Half A Prayer Page 32