by M. Robinson
He had a genuine smile on his face.
“Because, you look like you need it, Kid.”
“What do you want for it?” Damn, I couldn’t stop my abruptness. I could tell by the look in his eyes, that he was caught off guard with what I had just said. It quickly turned to sadness.
“A thank you, would suffice. If you want to cook me some dinners when we’re not working a few nights a week, we would call it even.”
He smiled again. I felt like I had won the lottery. A part of me still believed that he wanted something more, and wouldn’t come out with it. At this point, I had nowhere to go and it seemed honest. What else was I going to do? Even if he did want payment, I would pay, I had to.
“Okay, Devon. I’m not a great cook but…you have a deal.” I extended my right hand, and he extended his. After we shook on it he laughed again, and put his arm over my shoulder.
“I know this great café that serves unbelievable breakfast, let’s go get some food in you, and then we will get you settled. We are due back here by two o’clock.”
To say that this felt surreal would have been an understatement. I had never met a genuinely nice person, until I met Devon. He never asked for any favors. It took me by surprise. I mean, I was raised with the queen of whores. What else would I think?
We quickly fell into a comfortable and normal routine. He didn’t have a girlfriend, I did see girls leave his room at the butt crack of dawn a time or two. He never made a pass at me, not once. Even when he did embrace me with a hug or anything affectionate, it never felt romantic, no ulterior motives, it was just Devon. Devon not only became my boss, he also became one of my closest friends.
He still didn’t know a damn thing about me, though he knew more than I allowed anybody else to see. He never asked too many questions, always talked about the present or future, and never about the past. A part of me sensed that he knew I was running away from something, he never pried or poked around to find out what that was. He had even quit asking about putting me on payroll, hell he didn’t care. I was making him money. He wasn’t going to rock the boat. I loved Devon, he became like a big brother to me.
<>*<>S<>*<>
I knew that I didn’t want to follow in my father’s footsteps at a pretty young age. My mom used to drag me to the hospital sometimes when he would work long hours. I didn’t mind it when Olivia and Julia were with us, which was most of the time. I was sure he wasn’t really a doctor. It seemed like he spent more time doing paperwork, than seeing actual patients. At least that’s how I saw it.
“Sebby, I’m dying. I think my heart is broke,” Julia wailed, lying on the examining table one afternoon while we played around.
“You better let me have a listen,” I professionally decided.
I placed the stethoscope in my ears and raised her shirt. She giggled as the cold metal touched her chest.
“Olivia, we may need a part of your heart,” I determined.
“You can’t cut my heart in half,” Olivia laughed.
“Give me your heart,” I yelled, chasing her around the small examining room. Julia jumped down and squealed too, as I chased them both with a wooden tongue depressor, pretending it was a knife.
I caught Oli first around the waist, and carried her over to the examination table. I climbed on top of her holding both her wrists above her head with one hand, while my body weight held down her lower half.
“Ok, Ms. Matthews, Dr. Vanwell is going to make everything better.”
I grabbed onto her shirt lifting it right beneath her breasts and with my tongue depressor I started to pretend I was going to cut into her heart.
“HAHA Olivia…I will have half your heart!” Julia screeched in a scary voice.
“Traitor!” Olivia yelled.
We must have been really loud, because my mom barged in.
“Guys!” She yelled, and almost stopped immediately once she realized the position I was in with Olivia.
“Sebastian! What are you doing, get off of Olivia.” She demanded. I instantly got off of her and Olivia sat up while pulling down her shirt. I hadn’t even noticed that I had somewhat developed a hard on. I sat down on the chair hoping nobody noticed my embarrassment.
“Guys, we need to go.” We all gathered up in my mom’s car, and nobody said a word on our ride home.
“Sebastian, you need to come straight home. Girls, we will see you later.” She stated, as she exited the car.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian.” Oli whispered.
“Yeah…I’m sorry, too. I hope we didn’t get you into trouble.” Julia repeated.
“It’s okay. It’s not your guys’ fault. I guess we were being too loud.”
I went straight into my room that day and started cleaning it, hoping that I wouldn’t get into too much trouble.
I was caught off guard that evening when my dad came in still fully dressed from the hospital. He usually showered and changed before he came to see me. He looked tired. He took a deep breath before he grabbed my desk chair and moved it over to my bed.
“Come here, Son.” He asked, as I walked over to sit on my bed.
“I know we were being really loud Dad, I’m sorry. We won’t do it again, we were messing around and didn’t realize it, it won’t happen again.”
“That’s not why I’m here.” He rubbed at his temples relieving pressure that I assumed was building there.
“I thought I would have at least another year before we needed to have this conversation. I guess you are going to be turning fifteen soon.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your mother tells me that she walked in on a compromising position between you and Olivia today, at the hospital.”
“What do you mean? We always mess around like that.”
“I know Son, you’re getting older and it’s not going to be acceptable for you to continue playing like that.”
“I don’t understand. We can’t be friends anymore, just because were getting older? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“No, I didn’t say that Sebastian, I know you have a great relationship with the Matthews girls, which is perfectly fine. It’s what your mother and I wanted for you. Son, your body is going to start changing and so are theirs. Things are going to start changing.”
“I don’t want things to change, I like things the way they are.”
“It’s a part of growing up. Your mother and I are going to be meeting for dinner tomorrow with the Matthews, to discuss some ground rules. We will let you know once we know what they are. However, I can tell you one thing I know for sure; you guys are not going to be left alone anymore without an adult being in the house and the bedroom doors will always remain open from now on.”
“What do you think is going to happen Dad?”
“Has your body started to change? Are you starting to feel different?”
Oh God. He wanted to talk about sex. He thought I was going to have sex and now he wanted to discuss it with me. If this day couldn’t get any worse, it just did.
“Dad, I don’t want to talk about this.” I asserted.
“It’s perfectly normal if you are. I was your age once. I know it’s confusing and change always is. Becoming a man is a confusing time for any boy. Just how things are changing with you, they are also changing for those girls. I don’t want any lines crossed. Do you understand what I am saying, Son?”
“Yes, I understand.” I really didn’t, I just wanted to get him out of my room.
“Alright, well I promised your mother that I would tell you this, and as uncomfortable as you are right now it needs to be said.” He signed again.
“You’re going to be starting high school soon, and you’re going to start to have certain urges. I want you to know that you can always come to me to talk about it. I want you to make sure that you are always safe. Do you understand?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Son.”
“Oh God, Dad! Yes, I understand. You want me to wrap it up, right?
Yes, I know. I don’t want to become a dad or you guys grandparents. I’m not dumb.”
“I know that. I just want to make sure you are aware that there are consequences to every action. And like I said before, I am always here for you and you can tell me anything. Now…do you need to tell me anything? Your mother is very upset by what she witnessed today.”
“No, Dad. I mean we’ve never done…you know. I mean…I kind of, I guess you could say, I sort of have feelings for Olivia. I would never do anything that she didn’t want to do.”
“What about Julia?”
“No, I love Julia, but it's a different kind of love. I don’t even know how to explain it. When I’m with Oli, everything changes, especially if we are alone. Does that make sense?”
“Of course.”
“I would never want to hurt Julia, Dad. I love her, the way I feel for Oli is just different.”
“Has anything happened between you and Olivia?”
“No…I mean…not really. I guess we’ve sort of kissed a couple times, it’s complicated. We don’t really discuss what is going on, I know she feels the same way about me, and we both don’t want to hurt Julia. So we’re sort of at a standstill. Ugh! I’m so confused.” I whimpered, as I dropped my head to my hands. My dad patted my back.
“I know, Son. You and Julia have known each other since you were basically born. I know you care for her, and I’ve seen the way you and Olivia have looked at each other. As much as Julia might be hurt, I’m sure she has noticed it, too. Women have that sort of intuition about them. You’ll learn that as you get older.”
“She’s never said anything about it Dad.”
“And she may never, nevertheless, Son in life you have to just be honest with people. If you and Olivia want to hang out in a different way, then you have to do what makes you happy. I love those girls like they were my own. Either one would be lucky to have you,” I smiled at him.
The conversation may have started off uncomfortable, but at the end, I found myself relieved to have been able to share that with someone. I learned that day that my dad was right. Things were going to change, as to what extent I wouldn’t find out until later.
<>*<>Y<>*<>
I ended up learning a lot about the bar business while I worked for Devon. I worked for him for about two years. After about three months of living with him I got a car, I knew that I needed to be saving for an apartment, but I couldn’t pass on the deal that was in the ad. It was a 2010 black Honda Civic coupe, and I named her Knight. I got myself a decent apartment in Coconut Groves, a month in a half after that. It had two bedrooms, two baths, and the kitchen had stainless steel appliances with granite countertops. There was a small nook that I put a four-seater dining table in. I bought all new furniture, kitchen supplies, and whatever else I needed. I even got a fucking bath rug from Bed Bath & Beyond.
I was home. For the first time in my life, I had a home, something that I did all on my own. I know it probably sounds a little cliché, you would have to experience where I came from to be excited about a two bedroom apartment in Coconut Groves. I took great pride in my new apartment, keeping it clean, and stocked with whatever groceries I wanted to buy. Yeah, I could do that. I didn’t have to wonder if I was going to get fed, I ate what I wanted.
Devon never made a fuss about me leaving. He knew that I needed it. I moved farther away from South Beach, because I didn’t have the capacity to stay out of trouble. It called to me. I figured that if I lived a bit away from trouble then it wouldn’t find me. I know now that I was really wrong to make that assumption.
Even though living with Devon was great, I still enjoyed being on my own, very much. I guess by making myself invisible all those years, it kind of stuck with me. I still liked the quiet and being alone. I assumed it was just the independent part of me, years of taking care and fending for myself
I loved to do what any normal girl would; read, lay out by the pool, shop, go to the beach, and exercise. I never talked about my past, or myself, and in order to have friends you sort of had to do that. Therefore, I kept most of my ‘friends’ at an arm’s distance. I preferred it that way, and I think they just thought that I was a reserved person. You’re probably asking yourself if I had made a decent life for myself, why I didn’t just stay in the hospitality business? I guess the only answer I could give you was that I felt like my life was missing something. I mean, sure, I still had men that wanted me, and I made lots of money by taking advantage of that want, however it wasn’t the same. I missed the power…
AGAIN, I am getting ahead of myself. I seem to tend to do that, it’s like I just want to get to the good parts and skip everything else in between. It’s the whore in me, I guess. In the two years of working at the bar, I experienced a lot of firsts, first time I smoked pot, first time I snorted cocaine, first time I took ecstasy, first time I tried pain killers, and the first time I got so fucked up that I puked for several hours straight. Hmmm…are you seeing a pattern…I worked in at a high-class bar in the heart of Miami, South Beach, what did you think I would get into?
Of course, I experimented with drugs, still do occasionally. Although, drugs aren’t my vice, men are. Drugs are just something that I used for recreational fun. When you live in Miami, you tend to be around it all the time. They’re everywhere, and you don’t even have to go looking for it, somebody always has something on them, or knows someone who can get it for you. One could say that the more money you have, the more you snort up your nose, at least from what I have seen anyway, and believe me, I have seen a lot.
Drugs are a means to an end for me. They give me a false sense of happiness for a few hours, and sometimes that’s all I am looking for, an escape from my reality. It makes me feel empowered, almost like I am in control of everything around me. I thrive for that control. I can honestly tell you that I don’t know where that need comes from. It’s something that is within me, it’s like part of my soul. Maybe, it’s the fact that I was raped at such a young age. That control was taken from me, taken by a John that didn’t give a fuck that I was only twelve. It’s possible that, that John made me this person, someone who needs and seeks control, who the fuck knows and I’m not about to spend any more time analyzing why I am the way I am. It’s something that is a part of me, and I have learned how to embrace it.
I had to do that. Either I embraced it, or ended up in a rubber room filled with crazies. I wasn’t that person. One thing about being raised by yourself, is that you tend to become stronger and stronger. I was the strongest brick wall built by man. My brick wall was built by me, one brick at a time. Nobody could fucking knock down my wall. I wouldn’t allow it. That’s why I kept the people in my life at bay. I didn’t need emotional bullshit, never did.
I don’t want to talk too much about the drugs, because I don’t want you to associate me as a crack whore. First and foremost, I never did crack. However, in order for you to know me I need to be honest and drugs are a part of that honesty. Drugs are a part of my story. I need you to understand something. I NEVER, did what I did for drugs or money. I know a lot of people associate living this kind of lifestyle with both those things, that wasn’t why I was involved. Whether you believe me, or not is your decision, I haven’t lied to you yet. I could sit here for days trying to explain what made me leave the bar, I don’t think you would ever fully understand. To live the life that I have lived, and to have never felt any sense of anything, and by anything I mean nothing; it was tough.
I don’t regret any of my decisions. I did what I had to do, wait…that’s bullshit. I did what I wanted to do. I wanted to feel power, control, I wanted to feel everything. I wanted that, like I wanted my next breath. As much as I want to say that I was excelling at pretending to be content, I don’t think I did a very good job. I mean, yeah, I had a nice place, nice things, friends, the job, and the money. It should have been enough…Right? It wasn’t. I wanted more, something else, something I couldn’t seem to put a finger on. I slowly felt it eating away at me,
little by little.
I sat at the bar one slow Monday afternoon, it was a little over a year since I had been in Miami, it was just Devon and I. He had sent the other employees home, since we were so slow.
“I miss you, Kid, I feel like I never see you anymore.”
“What are you talking about, Devon? You see me almost everyday.”
“Yes, although I see you at work. I miss seeing you out of work. I miss your dinners.” He grinned.
I smiled a cheesy smile. “Ok, now I know you’re full of shit. I barely ever cooked, and when I did it tasted like shit, so much so, that we had to order out.”
“Nah, I just liked picking on you. It wasn’t that bad, well…except for those times that you set off the fire alarm, and the superintendent had to come up, because we couldn’t get it to turn off.” He grinned again.
I scuffed in a fake disbelief, and put my hand on my chest. “Oh. My. God. Devon, that happened like two times.” I said, in an exaggerated tone.
“Yeah…two times five.” He said, snapping his wet towel at my butt.
“Holy shit! That hurt.” I rubbed my butt. “My ass will now have a permanent imprint on it, because of you. You should feel bad. You know I could sue, that was almost like sexual harassment. I don’t think I feel safe here anymore.” He snapped the towel again, and this time it was much harder and it made me jump.
“Whoa there Kid!” He said. “Now I feel bad about that one.” He moved closer to me. “Here let me rub it and make it better.” I moved his hand away and started laughing.
“You just want to feel up my ass, Devon!”
“Well there’s a lot to feel up, Kid.” I pushed him in his chest, and moved to make us a drink.
“Stop messing around. What’s gotten into you today? It would be like incest, you and I. You don’t look at me that way, and I sure as hell don’t look at you that way.” I handed him his Johnny Walker, and took a sip of my vodka and club soda…yes, I had become one of those people, and it actually tasted good, simple, and smooth.