by M. Robinson
To say that I stopped loving and thinking about Sebastian would have been a lie. I thought about him everyday, it had been a month since I had seen him but it felt like years. Do I regret meeting him and being with him…absolutely not. In a very fucked up way, Sebastian saved me from myself. He showed me what it was to love and I hadn’t ever thought that was possible for me.
Even though our affair was ridiculous, he cared about me. I’m not blind and I know it was there. It was a fucked situation for everyone involved. I wished him the best and I hoped that it would work out with his family because that’s where he belonged. He was never mine, and I was never his; we lived in a delusional state of mind where we both thought it could work.
In the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until the shit hit the proverbial fan. All good things must come to an end…and good things come to those who wait, right? It was Chance and I now. As I walked out the door of my condo, I looked back taking it all in. I was really doing this.
I put all my belongings in my car with Chance and made my way to one last stop.
I checked my phone as I heard it ping with a text message.
B – I always knew you weren’t a lifer.
Y – Madam upset?
B – She will get over it. You will always be one of us Bella, you’re welcome home anytime.
Y – I will keep in touch.
B – You better. Be safe and take care. I <3 you.
Y– XO
I walked into the bar and found a smiling Devon holding his baby boy.
“Hey, Kid.” He said.
“You have baby in a bar.” I laughed.
He rocked the baby back and forth, “yeah…we’re closed and I’m starting him early.”
“You look really good holding that baby, Devon, fatherhood suits you.” I said while sitting on the barstool.
“Well, you should have walked in ten minutes ago, I had spit up and puke all down my shirt. It was a sight I’m sure.” He smirked, “So to what do I owe the honor of your presence, Kid?”
“I came to say hello…and goodbye.” I stated.
He looked confused, “Goodbye?”
“Yeah…I’m going to get this show on the road. Miami turned out to be too much for me, I think. I’m going to try something different. I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you.”
“Are you being serious? You’re joking right.” He questioned laying his baby in the car seat and walking around the bar to me.
“I’m dead serious.” I said, as he sat down.
He cocked his head to the side, “Why? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t really understand either, you know me Devon, I’m like a bird I need to explore. I’ll keep in touch, I promise.”
“Where are you headed?”
“Not quite sure, I’m going to travel for a bit and figure it out.” I confirmed.
“Wow…I don’t even know what to say. I’m going to miss you, Kid. What am I going to do without you?”
I chuckled, “you’re going to be an amazing husband and father, like I have no doubt you will be.”
He sighed accepting my answer and leaned over the counter to grab two shot glasses and a bottle of Patrón.
“One for the road for old time’s sake.”
“You know it.”
He poured the shots and we clinked our glasses, “to moving forward.” He cheered.
“I gotta get going, I’m going to miss my flight.” I stated standing up, before this turned too emotional.
“It’s because of him isn’t it? The asshole.” I shrugged.
He pulled me into the deepest and most genuine hug, and finally after what seemed like an eternity kissed my forehead and let me go.
We were both a bit teary eyed, “shit…look at us…I’ll see you again Devon, I promise.” I reassured.
“I know.” He nodded.
I squeezed his hand and smiled, I walked towards the door and just as I was opening it I turned around.
“Devon…” I said making him turn to face me.
“Yeah, Kid?” He answered.
“Thank you for everything. And even though I’ve never said it, you know I love you right?” It was the first time the words ‘I love you’ left my mouth, and I truly believed it.
He smiled, “I love you, too, Kid. Take care of yourself and call me as soon as you get settled.”
“Of course.”
I walked out of the bar and said goodbye to my past as I walked into my future.
<>*<>S<>*<>
“What the hell, Sebastian? Are you freaking kidding me? I love how important this is for you,” Julia yelled through the phone.
It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t discarding our counseling appointment on purpose. I had no idea this client was going to buy today. It usually took at least two yacht tours to close a deal. He was ready the moment we stepped on board.
“How exactly would you like me to proceed, Julia? I’ll just walk up to him and say, hey, sorry man. We’re going to have to do this some other time. I have to go to marriage counseling with my wife,” I snapped right back.
“Yeah, Sebastian you do that. Why don’t you tell him why we are even in marriage counseling to begin with?”
“This is never going to work like this. I can’t apologize any more than I already have. It’s been eight fucking months, Julia. I can’t take it back, and you can’t continue to throw it in my face or punish me for it.”
“You know what? Just forget it, Sebastian. I will see you at home. Are you getting Christian, or can you not find the time for him either?”
Oh, my fucking God. She was impossible. “I will get Christian,” I replied, hanging up before I said something that I would be apologizing for later. It seemed like that was all I was doing anymore. I couldn’t say anything without pissing her off. We were constantly at each other’s throats.
I made an amazing sale that day, wishing I had someone to celebrate it with. I did just that. I took my son to the park and celebrated with him. Julia was calling around 7 p.m. wanting to know where we were.
“Hey, Babygirl,” I answered, watching Christian run up the slide.
“Hey, Sebby. I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Where are you?”
“The park, celebrating my big sale today with Christian.”
“Come home and celebrate with me.”
“We’ll be there soon,” I promised with a deep sigh. I would go home, things would seem great, I’d make love to my wife, and start all over the next morning, probably with an argument about something stupid. It had become our routine for the past eight months. It was exhausting.
I got home to find Julia making a cake in the kitchen. She had flour on her face and frosting on her lips, I laughed.
“Whatcha doing there, Babygirl?” I tempted walking over to her.
“Making my husband a cake. Want some?” She seductively asked, raising the spoon to my mouth. I licked it off and then leaned in to kiss the frosting off her, she tasted like vanilla, chocolate, and Julia.
“Hey! I want some too,” Christian exclaimed trying to jump on the counter. We laughed as I placed him on the counter. We spent the rest of the evening as a family, laughing, talking, and then we put Christian to bed. I stared at the ceiling fan waiting for Julia to come out of the shower.
We were both trying to get past my infidelity, trying to make it work, and to put the pieces back together that were scattered.
As much as both of us wanted to make it work something was missing, I didn’t know if it had always been missing or we just seem to lose it along the way.
Julia came out wearing a sexy white negligée and the image of Ysabelle quickly went through my mind, I pushed it away as fast as it appeared. This occurrence happened often and I was an expert on making it go away.
Julia seductively walked over to me and straddled my hips, I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her lips towards me. I kissed her with all the desire I could invoke; I wanted Julia to feel
loved, to feel wanted. That’s what she repeatedly expressed to the counselor, and it was never my intention for her to feel that way. This is where I could show her that I loved her to make her feel secure. I knew Julia’s body better than she did.
I whispered that I loved her in her ear and made my way down to her neck, right near her collarbone where she enjoyed it the most. I pulled the lingerie over her head and flipped her over so that I was on top, I brought my mouth to her nipple and she moaned in delight. Her hands found my hair and she lightly tugged on it to provoke me even further.
My fingers found her moist entrance just waiting for me to please her. I pushed in lightly at first to gain a reaction, and she weakened beneath me.
“Does that feel good, Babygirl? Huh? Do you want me to stop?” I allured.
She whimpered in response, Julia was never much of a talker and that also made me miss the familiarity of…STOP.
I pushed two fingers in and curved until I felt the rigid nerve endings of her g-spot. I pressed harder and harder until I felt her gripping around my fingers. Once I felt the wet warmth of her release, I kicked off my shorts and thrusted into her.
“I want to be on top.” She stated. I flipped us over and placed my hands on her thighs. She started riding me hard and fast. I played with her clit and pushed up on my hips.
“Yes…Babygirl…ride my cock, just like that.” I encouraged.
I felt myself starting to lose it and Julia was right there with me. When I felt her pulsate around me I let myself go, groaning while I came deep inside of her. She collapsed on top of me and I kissed all over her face. She half-heartedly smiled and gave me a quick kiss before curling up next me to lay her head on my shoulder; I wrapped my arm around her.
I could feel her thinking, “What is it, Babygirl?” I gathered.
“I never stopped taking birth control.” I attempted to move, “Don’t move. I’ll lose the courage if you move.”
I hesitated, “What are you talking about?”
“When we decided to try to have another baby Sebastian, I never stopped taking birth control. I’m still taking it.”
“Julia?”
“I know what you’re going to say, it’s been years and I never stopped taking it. I just…I don’t even know, Sebby. I’ve wanted you for so long that I never stopped to think about what it was actually going to be like once you were mine, or what it was you wanted.”
“I want you, Julia. You know that. I love you,” I protested. I didn’t want her to feel this way. I did love her. It may not have been the way she wanted me to love her, but I did. I would die for her in a heartbeat.
“You never stopped taking the pill? I don’t get it, Jules.”
“Please, just let me talk, Sebastian. I love you more than anything in this world. I told myself everyday that this was the last day that I wouldn’t pop one in my mouth. The next morning it would happen again. It just never felt right.”
“You should have told me. All this time and nothing has happened, don’t you think that’s something we should have talked about?”
“Sebastian…it’s not working. We’re not working. And as much as I want to blame you for everything I can’t…I don’t know if we we’re ever meant to be more. Like the fantasy of us is so much more real than the reality.”
“Julia, what are you saying?”
She moved to look at me, “Sebastian I have known you my entire life, and I know
you like the back of my hand. You would never hurt me. I think we’ve been playing house for so long that we decided to carry that on as adults.” She anxiously laughed,
“There has always been something missing between you and I. I didn’t stop taking birth control because I knew it, I thought it would go away, and then your affair happened. I couldn’t help but think, ‘Thank God’. Jesus, I was relieved that it wasn’t just all in my head.”
I laid still, listening to Julia’s revelations about our marriage. I guess I was somewhat dumbfounded.
“You’ve never been with me one hundred percent, Sebby. You never looked at me the way you looked at Olivia. I guess I tried to put that to rest when we laid her to rest. Do you know when I realized it, Sebastian?”
I didn’t answer. She wasn’t asking for an answer. I continued to listen as my heart began to break into tiny little pieces. I hated that she felt this way, she was right. I knew it, she knew it, and no matter how much I tried to deny it. It was fact.
“I realized it that night at The Gala, the way you looked at her. You looked at her with the same want and desire that you used to look at Olivia with. We’ve never had that, Sebby.”
She cupped the side of my face, “I think it’s time we both realize that it’s just not going to work. It doesn’t matter how much counseling we go to or how many babies we bring into the house, we’re not meant to be together. I never want you to not be in my life Sebastian, but it’s time we both figure out what the fuck we’re doing.” She explained.
My mind was spinning “I have no idea what to even say Julia, I--”
She put her finger to my lips “you don’t have to say anything. It’s time, Sebastian.”
“I love you, Julia.” I whispered, saying the only thing that I could think of.
“I know you do Sebastian, but sometimes that’s not enough.” She whispered.
I nodded. I never in a million years thought this would be how we would end. Even when I was with Ysabelle, I never imagined that Julia and I would end. As much as I wanted to make it work, it was never going to. I needed to acknowledge that Julia also had reservations and that as much as we wanted to do the right thing. Sometimes, the right thing was just admitting defeat.
We cried, kissed, and made love one last time as husband and wife.
<>*<>S<>*<>
It took six months to finalize our divorce. We both agreed to joint custody, and sold all of our assets and split the earnings which took another four months. It had been a year since we decided to divorce, we agreed that someday maybe we could work on our friendship, as of right now we only spoke when it concerned Christian. All of it went pretty smoothly considering everything we had gone through.
I bought a 45 Cantius when I stopped living at The W. I rented Ysabelle and I’s room for a couple months before deciding that I wanted to live on a yacht. I think I was punishing myself for everything I put everyone through. I hurt both women who I loved more than life itself. Being around the memories of Ysabelle both hurt and healed me. I can’t explain how it did, but it helped me move on from the past. I craved her more than ever now. I missed absolutely everything about her.
Once I moved into the yacht, Christian loved coming aboard and being my first mate. I spent a lot of time alone, reflecting. I hadn’t seen her in well over a year, but not a day went by that I didn’t think about her. Being on the water daily made me think about her even more. I didn’t even notice that all the steps I took to move forward were all steps in her direction; everything I did to remind myself of what we had, of what I wanted, more than anything.
I was done living for everyone else; I was never going to live in regret again. Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself at the bar where we first talked.
The bartender who she addressed as Devon noticed me immediately as I sat at the barstool, “What can I get you?”
“Jack Daniels on the rocks and maybe some information.” I probed.
He nodded serving me my drink, “And what exactly do you think I can do for you?”
“I thought maybe you knew something about a friend of mine, someone I haven’t heard from or seen in quite some time.” I causally replied.
“Oh…Ysabelle?” He cautioned. “She’s not around anymore.” He nonchalantly stated, while handing me my drink and sipped his own.
“What do you mean she’s not around?” What the fuck was he talking about?
“She left town over a year ago.” I sighed in disappointment. I finished my drink in one gulp, smiled, and left a $20 on the b
ar.
“You looking for her?” He asked as I was opening the door.
“Yeah, do you know where I could talk to her?” I questioned.
He nodded and I walked back to stand by the bar.
“What are your intentions? I love Ysabelle and from what I’ve heard, which is very little, you’re nothing but bad news. I don’t want her getting hurt more than she already has.”
“I never meant for anyone to get hurt. If you could tell me where I could reach her, I promise you, I’ll never hurt her again.” I affirmed.
He paused for a moment taking in everything I was saying, “make sure of it.”
He handed me a business card. My heart sped up in fear, it was the second time a man had handed me a business card in reference to Ysabelle.
I looked at the card, “What is this?” I questioned confused. It had her name above the title bar owner.
“It’s where you can find her, she lives in Turks and Caicos and owns that bar Chances.”
I laughed, “She really did it.”
“One thing you need to know about Ysabelle, is that woman will do anything she sets her mind to.”
“Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.” I said, extending out my right hand.
He shook it “prove it.”
I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing all I knew was that I had to try. I was turning the page to my new life, with the hope that she hadn’t already turned hers.
Epilogue
Owning a bar was easier than I ever thought it could possibly be. I had flown Devon up for a few weeks to help me get it started and show me what I had to do to make it succeed. I quickly learned that vacationers like their sports, their alcohol, and their women. It was easy to find staff that I enjoyed working with. I catered to men, women, and families. I loved being on the island, and looked forward to waking up every morning and meeting new people. It was as if I was reborn in different way. My past seemed like a lifetime ago, and for the first in my life, I truly felt like I was home.