“Mark, when I saw Sandra laying in the road, I realized not only do I forgive her, but I truly do love her. Her kind heart, her willingness to help people, no matter what the cost to her. I mean, she did move across the Atlantic to save me,” Jack half-grinned at Mark.
“I think I should tell Dr. Brighton to raise his hourly rate because he's clearly a miracle worker. I am so amazed at how well you are handling this.”
“It's simple really, healing comes from helping others to heal. Forgiveness, kindness, and compassion are all necessary to the healing process. She knew that, but I had to learn it on my own,” Jack said wistfully.
A nurse came into the waiting area, and approached Jack. He stood up, hoping for good news.
“Mr. Russell? She's stable, and awake. She wants to speak with you,” the nurse motioned to for him to follow her.
Jack let out a deep whoosh of breath, looked at Mark and said quietly, “Pray for me.”
He followed the nurse down the hall and she gestured to a doorway on her left, letting Jack enter first. He paused in the doorway, seeing Anya's legs surround by metal braces, her body looking like it was being held together by these hinged contraptions. Guilt overwhelmed him.
“Sandra?” His voice was soft, barely audible over the hum of the machines monitoring her vital signs.
She opened her eyes and gave him a small smile. “Hi Jack.” She lifted her hand slightly off the bed as though to reach for him. He moved swiftly to her side, clasping it gently in both of his with tears welling up in his eyes.
“Oh Sandra, there aren't words enough for me to tell you how sorry I am. For everything, for leaving you in the park, for not reaching out to you sooner, and for...” he waved one of his hands over her body, tears slipping across his cheeks.
“What wouldn't I have done to hear those words from you, Jack,” she said quietly.
“And now? You must hate me, I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again, no matter how much I love you and want to make this right,” the words pouring out of his mouth fast, in hopes he wasn't going to lose her.
“It's quite the opposite but I think we have a lot of things we need to talk about before we even get to the 'I love you' stage,” she said wisely.
“I know, you're right. Do you know why I was driving like such a maniac?”
“You wanted to try the new Italian restaurant around the corner from my house? I hear they have a killer spaghetti bolognese,” she teased.
Jack looked at her chidingly, “Sandra, I'm serious. I had an epiphany, a breakthrough. And I think I helped Noah too in the process.”
“Noah? What are you talking about, Jack? You're all over the place.”
“I know, I know, I'm sorry, it's just so much... too many emotions all at once. And my God, I haven't even asked... are you going to be okay? Are you in any pain? What did the doctors say?”
“Jack, slow down. One step at a time,” Sandra patted his hand and gave it a little squeeze.
He took a deep breath and released it, closing his eyes to gather himself together. “Okay, I can do this... Please tell me what the doctor said?” He pulled up a chair without releasing her hand.
“Well, I can tell you I am not going to die, but it will be a long road to recovery. I have a concussion, broken hip, fractured femur in my left leg and a shattered knee cap in the other. Thankfully, you weren't driving that fast when you hit me,” she smiled.
“Good God, Sandra. Can you ever forgive me? I don't deserve it, considering the way I treated you but I can promise I will spend a lifetime making it up to you.” Jack gently kissed her hand, silently saying a prayer.
“Let me ask you a question first, can you forgive me for what I did to Madeline? You say you would spend a lifetime making it up to me, are you able to see now how I wanted to make it up to you by coming to England?” She already knew the answer to his questions, and hers but she wanted him to see the correlation, he needed to see it.
“Yes, Sandra my love, I do see so clearly now, and to be honest, I did even before this accident happened. That was why I was racing to you. You see, I've been attending a different grief support group and there was a woman there, Jayne. Turns out, she is Elliot's mother, you know, the boy who was with Noah in his accident?”
“Wow, really? That is an amazing coincidence!!”
“I know, right? Needless to say, she held a lot of anger towards Noah and today, she had a breakthrough. She released that anger and forgave him for Elliot's death. And while she was going through it, I sat with her, experiencing all the same emotions. I forgave you in that moment, knowing I could never be fully healed until I did.”
Sandra smiled, “I am so happy you have been able to reach this point, Jack. Because of course I forgive you, it was an accident. While yes, you were driving too fast, and certainly I was not paying attention, it was no one's fault. I do not hold you responsible for what happened.”
Jack leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, cheek and softly on her sweet lips. “I promise to be with you every step of the way through your recovery and beyond, for as long as you will have me.”
“As long as you aren't doing this out of guilt, Jack, I am thrilled to hear those words from you,” Sandra smiled and caressed his cheek.
“Emotions are all running high right now, and I am doing my best to keep a clear mind. Through all of this, the one thing that has stayed in my heart is how much I love you and admire you, darling Sandra.” He kissed the palm of her hand and closed his eyes, finally at peace in his heart.
Part 6: The Journey to Love
The next few weeks, Jack came to see Sandra everyday in the hospital while she slowly recovered. Thankfully, she only needed one surgery to repair her knee and they set her other broken bones while she was under anesthesia. She had a long road ahead of rehabilitation and physical therapy, but she would not only walk again, but be completely healed.
One afternoon, shortly after her surgery Jack brought her a bouquet of hot pink roses and waited for her to wake. She opened her eyes sleepily and saw the roses before she saw Jack. Smiling, she looked around for her love.
“Good afternoon, sleepy head.” Jack was beside the bed opposite the roses. Sandra turned to face him, feeling a little groggy from the pain medication.
“Hi there,” Sandra croaked.
Jack poured some water into a cup with a straw and brought it to her mouth. “You sound a bit parched, love. Just a side effect of the pain meds?”
She took a small sip of water and cleared her throat, “Yes, and if you continue to spoil me like this, with roses and hand feeding then I might become accustomed to it once I am healthy again.”
Jack chuckled, “Good, get used to it.”
“Jack, honey, I have a big favor to ask you and feel free to say no, but I've been thinking... it's the only thing I can do while I recoup.”
“What is it, love? I'm happy to anything I can for you.”
“I want you to go back to our therapy group. And see if you can bring Jayne. I see what coming full circle has done for you, me and how happy we finally are. But I would love to pass that on to Noah and Jayne.” She looked at Jack with her big doe brown eyes, making it impossible for him to say no.
“Of course, sweetheart. I will do my best to make that happen.” As always, he was amazed at the depth of her caring. Even while she is suffering, her thoughts were how to help others. Could be be this lucky twice in a lifetime?
“Thank you, and let me know how it goes. What day is today?” She looked around for type of hint or clue.
“It's Wednesday, May 4th and I have a week to make it happen. But the group that Jayne meets with is going to meet in an hour and a half so if I am going to make this work, I need to leave you for now. Will you be okay?” He stood up, brushing his hand across her forehead, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Sweetheart, I am in a hospital, I think I'll be okay.”
Jack smiled, “Of course you will be. I'll be back later t
o say goodnight and let you know how it goes with Jayne.”
“Certainly, my love. Good luck.”
Jack left the hospital room, smiling and light on his feet. Though he had come to terms with everything that happened, he still went to see Michael once a week. When he stepped back into Dr. Brighton's office after Anya's accident, he was pleased to see the reaction on the doctor's face. He knew he had been transformed and it clearly showed.
He hopped on the underground to head towards the meeting, not too far from his flat. Michael had questioned him for about half an hour, realizing that he had truly come through the other side of his grief. He had accepted the loss and forgiven Sandra and himself. It was a potent feeling, one that he emitted in everything he did.
Jack stepped off the underground, whistling as he walked to the meeting. It felt good to know he could use his experiences to help others in similar situations. He thought maybe he could even help Sandra once she was back to work, maybe do some peer counseling.
It had been two weeks since he last attended the meeting, mostly because he just didn't want to deal with James. He hoped Jayne was still attending and would be here today. He was a few minutes early and took a seat in the circle. Jame came in a moment later, surprised to see him.
“Jack, I didn't think I would see you again.” James reached out to shake his hand.
“Yeah, well it has been a wild couple of weeks for me. But all positive, on the up and up.” Jack shook his offered hand and smiled.
“You look... different, somehow. I can't quite put my finger on it.” James looked a little puzzled.
“This is what peace looks like, James. I am finally 'cured'.”
“Really... well, that it very impressive. Does this have to do with the night Jayne had her breakthrough?”
“Yes, because I had my own that night as well.”
“That's fantastic to hear. Will you be sharing the story with us today?” James looked up as a few more people came in, one of which was Jayne.
“Yes, but most importantly, I need to speak with Jayne privately, perhaps after the meeting would be best.”
“Okay. Would you mind if I hung around? If only to make sure she is okay with it.” James's true motivation was to learn all he could from Jack. If he helped Jayne and himself, then he could learn a lot from him to assist others in achieving the same mental health progress.
“Sure, no problem.”
The meeting went as usual, though Jack noted James' approach was slightly less clinical than before. He allowed people to explore their emotions more, and he hoped that had been his influence on him. Perhaps he wasn't a lost cause after all.
“And now, I would like to turn it over to Jack, whom all of you remember? He has a story to share with us all, and I think one from which we can all learn an important lesson.”
Jack cleared his throat, “Thank you, James. I am here to tell you all a story and bear with me through the details, but I feel it is critical for you to hear everything from start to finish.”
“Over a year ago, I lost a woman I loved more deeply and thoroughly than I had ever thought possible. Losing her devastated me, but I was also holding in such anger for the person who did it. She was hit by a car when she was crossing the street and all I could think of is how I would love to tear that person to shreds. Come to find out, that person was at the hospital when I lost Madeline and saw what desperation I was in. She gave up her life in the US to move here to England, begin a therapy group close to my home with hopes that I would eventually join it. She had lost her mother the same night I lost Madeline, and had her own grief to process. She felt that as a therapist, the best way was to help others, most especially me.”
Jack took a sip of water and looked around the room. They were listening, James was taking notes. He continued, “I did come back to England, drinking heavily, destroying myself... but with the help of my friends, I found my way to her therapy group. Over time, I began to have feelings for her and realized I was beginning to allow love back into my heart. I took her out on a date and when we were walking in the park afterwards, she told me the truth, risking everything. I lost it completely. Anger exploded out of me. I didn't do anything stupid, except to leave this exceptional woman alone on the bench in the park.”
“Pardon me Jack,” Jayne quietly interrupted, “But you said 'exceptional woman' yet she is the one who murdered your love? I don't follow here.”
“I'm glad you asked that, Jayne. You see, in order to heal completely, you must forgive. Have you ever heard the quote “Anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone, but instead you are the only one who gets burned”?”
“Yes, of course, Buddha said it,” she replied.
“Yes, well, I was slowly burning myself by not forgiving her. Remember the night you had your breakthrough, in forgiving the young man who was driving the car when you son was killed?”
“Yes, I do. I've been much better since that time, thanks to you.”
Jack smiled, “I'm so happy to hear that, because in that same moment was when I forgave her. And I was so excited I raced to go see her. I was so wrapped up in needing to see her, to gain the peace I had been looking for, I was careless. I drove way to fast and about a block from her flat, I hit her.”
A collective gasp came from the group. Now they were all hanging on his every word.
“Yeah, I hit poor Sandra, and while I don't know if I will fully understand why, she forgave me. Even as we speak, she is in the hospital still recovering from surgery and faces months of rehabilitation. But she is alive, and we are happily in love.”
Jayne looked stunned. “How can you possibly be in love with the woman who killed your girlfriend? I mean, have you gone mad?”
Jack chuckled, “No, Jayne. My psychiatrist told me, right after Sandra had told me the truth, that if I wanted to get through this, I would have to reach out and talk to her, see things from her perspective. Only then could I truly forgive her and move on past the grieving process. He was right, it just turned out that I happened to have fallen in love with her too.”
James was writing notes furiously on his clipboard, and briefly looked up at the group. “Does anyone have any questions for Jack?” Everyone shook their heads, and kept staring in awe at Jack. He felt a little self-conscious, but he knew it was for the greater good.
“Okay, then. Til next week, folks. Be well.” James stood up and went over to Jack. “Thank you, for being such an inspiration to all of us.”
“It was my pleasure, now if you will excuse me a moment, I need to catch Jayne.” Jack gave a little wave in her direction and called her name. “Jayne?”
She turned and smiled, taking a few steps towards him, which Jack was confident that she would be open to his suggestion based on her reaction to his story.
“What can I do for you, Jack?”
“I have a big favor to ask you, and I hope you will agree to help me,” he shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling a bit nervous.
“Tell me what you need and I will see if I can help.”
“Well, it isn't so much what I need, but what my friend needs. The therapy group that Sandra runs has a special young man in it that I think would benefit greatly from you coming to our next meeting. We meet on Tuesdays, and if you could find time in your busy schedule, I could meet you there to help facilitate introductions.”
“Of course, I would be more than happy to.”
“Great, I will see you Tuesday then.” Jack gave her a card from his wallet that had the meeting address and time written on it, one that Michael had given him many months ago.
They parted ways and Jack went back to see Sandra to tell him the plan was a-go. He was nervous what Jayne's reaction would be, and Noah's for that matter, but Sandra coached him through every scenario that he brought up. When Tuesday came around, he was confident he would be able to make it work.
Jack waited outside the hall for Jayne. She pulled up in a taxi and stepped out aft
er paying the driver. He offered his arm to her and she smiled taking it as they walked together to the hall entrance, “Lovely to see you, Jack. I hope I can help this young man you mentioned.”
“Oh, I am certain you can, Jayne.” He held open the door for her as they went inside. Jack had already checked, Noah was seated already in the circle with a few others. The new counselor was an older woman in her fifties, with whom Jack spoke about the plan. She was very much in favor of helping out, which made Jack slightly less nervous.
As they walked into the room, Jayne looked around not seeing Noah right away. However, as they walked closer, Noah looked up from his phone and stared at Jayne and Jack in shock. He didn't even know that Jack knew her!
They chose their seats to wait for the group to start, and Jayne took another look around. She spotted Noah, and Jack could feel her body tense up. He put his arm around her and leaned over to whisper in her ear, “I told you it was a situation in which you could help. I just didn't tell you that this would help both of you.”
A few more members came and and joined the circle. Erica, the woman filling in for Sandra, welcomed everyone, “We have a few special guests with us today. You all may know Jack from his attendance here before, and he's brought another guest with him, please welcome Jayne.”
Everyone said their hellos, including Noah. He had come a long way in a short time. He wasn't cowering or closed off, but his head was held high and he looked as though he were ready to engage.
“Thank you, Erica. Hi everyone, it's great to be back,” Jack began. He retold his story again, from the beginning so that everyone could understand from the start how Anya's role impacted him and how he could get beyond it. Because everyone in the room knew Sandra, no one questioned her motives. They all knew her well enough to know they were pure of heart.
“So that brings me to tonight. Jayne lost her son in a car accident, the one in which Noah lost the man he loved so very much. The situations are parallel and I am hoping by bringing Jayne here tonight, we can help them achieve closure.”
Jayne looked over at Noah, and began, “Noah, I need to tell you a few things about Elliot. First, he was one of the most caring, loving sons you could ever imagine and he was dearly loved by us all. Because of that, I know for him to love you, you must be a very special person as well.”
What the Heart Desires Page 6