“Because…I don’t know…I don’t know why I said that.” I was fumbling with my words. It was the truth, though, I didn’t know why I said it. I had never said it to anyone before, and I hadn’t thought this through either.
“This is only a pretend relationship,” she said, zipping up her dress. She was avoiding my eyes.
“I know. Forget I ever said that. It’s probably the wine talking.” I ran my fingers through my hair. I needed to distract myself. I needed to go for a run. I was still aroused by her, but I was also surprised, embarrassed a little, angry too. This was not the reaction I had imagined.
“Because this was a mistake to begin with,” she went on while I picked my clothes off the floor.
“Yes, it was,” I agreed with her. I wanted her to stop talking.
“And we probably shouldn’t make it worse,” she added.
“I get it, Erica. I admitted I made a mistake. It was the heat of the moment.” I pulled up my pants and started zipping up.
“Because my life has been severely affected by this,” she continued, and this is when I snapped. I jerked my head up to look at her, with my eyes narrowed. I could feel the back of my neck reddening with rage.
“You’ll get your fucking job back, Jesus. It’s affected my life as much as yours. I’ll give you some money if that’s what you want.” I knew I was yelling as I tucked my shirt back into my pants.
She was standing still by the elevator. She was back in her dress now, but it was full of creases. Her hair was still a wavy mess, and she was staring at me.
“I don’t want your money,” she said quietly.
“What do you want then?” I asked, breathing loudly. I was annoyed with her, with myself, with our situation.
“I just want my life back,” she said.
“I said you'll get your job back. They’ll take you back or someone else will offer one to you. I’ll look into it.” I swung my jacket over my shoulders. I needed to go for a walk, to clear my head.
“My life will never be the same again,” she replied, just as quiet.
“What are you talking about?”
“My life will never be the same,” she repeated and turned around, pressing the button on the elevator.
I took a few long strides towards her. I wanted her to explain herself to me, to tell me clearly what she was trying to say. How had her life changed forever?
“What is that supposed to mean?” I growled. I grabbed her arm and swung her around. She jerked her arm away from me, I saw the anger in her eyes.
“I’m pregnant, Kyle. I got pregnant that day in the shower. And I’m keeping the baby,” she screamed at me just as the elevator doors opened and she stepped inside.
I was in shock. I was rendered speechless and I wasn’t able to follow her in. The elevator doors shut and I remained standing there.
I had been foolish enough to never expect something like this to happen. I had been careless with Erica, and I hadn’t considered the possibility. I remembered how good it felt when I came inside her, exploding, holding her close to me as I emptied myself. She had moaned, screamed my name, then sighed. We had forgotten ourselves in that moment.
She was right. Our lives would never be the same again.
I didn’t know if I wished that she had told me sooner. I didn’t know if we would have done anything differently.
I snapped out of my thoughts suddenly when I realized that she had left. She was the mother of my child and I shouldn’t have let her leave the house.
I rummaged in my pocket for my phone and I called her number. “We need to talk, Erica. Come back,” I said when she answered the phone. I hadn’t expected her to even answer the call.
“You just want me to come back so that your image is saved,” she hissed.
“Just come back here. We need to work this out.” I ignored what she had said. I could hear it in her voice – she was not thinking straight.
“I need some time away from you,” she said, her voice quiet. I didn’t add anything to that. She hung up the phone.
I had been so consumed by my desire to have her, to have her body, that I had missed all the signs. She had been running to the toilet, she didn’t drink… She was pregnant with my child and, all the while, I didn’t have a clue.
Chapter Fifteen - Erica
It didn’t help, it didn’t help to be alone. But I told myself that it was better this way. I was living a lie. Of course, it had all been a lie anyway, our whole relationship had been fake, just for the sake of the cameras. But I was lying to him too.
I was back in my apartment, alone. I had spent the night crying, hoping that I might be able to be a good mother to my child. Hoping that I hadn’t ruined my life, or my child’s.
Yet, the next morning, the papers brought new gossip for its readership. This time I was sure that it would be irreparable. They had caught me. The cameras had followed us to his house. They had staked out the building and caught me on camera when I ran out of the building, a mess, and hailed a cab.
The new gossip was that Kyle Murphy had thrown me out of his house in the middle of the night. That our short-lived relationship had lasted for only a few weeks, that Kyle Murphy could never commit. A new wave of embarrassment washed over me. The photograph in the papers now was one of me, in a crumpled black dress, my hair a mess, my makeup running. I looked like I was in shambles – like I had been crying. It was easy to see why people might believe that he had thrown me out.
I clutched the edge of the kitchen counter in my apartment, and I tried to breathe in, to calm my nerves. I had to keep it together for the sake of my baby. I was angry with the world, and I was angry with Kyle. But I decided to take it out on someone else.
“Hi, dad,” I said when he answered the phone.
“Erica,” he replied as coldly as ever.
“I trust you’ve seen the latest again.”
“He threw you out,” he stated it like he had always seen it coming. “So your relationship is over, then?”
“Are you happy?” I asked him.
“No, I’m embarrassed,” he said.
“You shouldn’t be. Because I’ve achieved more in my life than you ever have, or your make belief son ever could.” I was screaming into the phone.
“A son would not have gotten himself into this kind of trouble,” my dad said quietly. I was surprised that he wasn’t yelling at me.
“You don’t know that because you don’t have a son. You have me. So you can’t assume what kind of trouble your son would or would not have gotten into,” I raged on. My dad remained silent for a while as I breathed heavily into the phone.
“Of course I can’t. You brought it up, I didn’t. I wasn’t comparing you to anybody,” he said. It was my turn to remain silent.
“Erica, I want to help you,” he said.
“Why? You’re embarrassed of me. You think I’m in trouble and you’ll never be able to show your face again,” I snapped.
“Yes, I am embarrassed, because it is such a public affair. But that doesn’t mean I can’t help you.” He was speaking quietly.
“I don’t understand. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” I was mumbling now, at a loss for words.
“I was angry when I found out. Of course I was. You’re my daughter. My only child.” I could hear the strain in his voice. He was upset, but not angry.
“I thought you didn’t want me around, dad,” I whispered.
“I know I pushed you, even as a child, I pushed you. But I’ve always been proud of you. I’ve treated you as both a son and a daughter. It may have been wrong, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.” I could hear the shake in his voice again. I had never imagined my dad could ever break down.
“Have you ever been proud of me, dad?” I asked him.
“Of course I have. I always have. You didn’t need to publish an interview with Kyle Murphy to make me proud. You’ve achieved more than I ever have. More than I wanted you to.” My dad was cr
ying on the phone now, and I bit down on my lip.
“Thanks, dad, that’s all I needed to hear,” I said, hoping that was enough, even though I knew it wasn’t. How could I ever make up for ten years of pushing him away? I realized then that I had never given him a chance. I had blamed him for everything.
“Erica, you come to me if you need something. I’m angry with the media and with that guy, Kyle Murphy. But I will always be here to support you if you need it,” he said.
I thanked him again and I hung up the phone.
Even though I felt like my life was a complete mess, my reputation was ruined, and I might never get a decent journalistic job ever again in my life, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
And I missed him. Kyle. I missed being in his house, looking up and finding him there. Now that he knew the truth, chances were that he wouldn’t want to see me again. Why would he? Ideally, he would like to have the situation taken care of, quietly, without any media trouble.
I had brought nothing but disruption to his life, and he was probably already glad to be rid of me. This was probably one gossip story that he liked – that he had thrown me out of the house. It went well with his image, of being the most desirable man in the country. Why would he want me in his house anyway?
Chapter Sixteen - Kyle
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Now that this new story was out, I couldn’t stop thinking about how it had affected her. I was worried for her health, for her happiness, and for my child. The game was coming up, and I felt less prepared than ever. Erica had been right. Maybe I wouldn’t win sometime soon.
“This works to your favor.” Lewis was biting his nails as he spoke. We were in the locker room, and I had been lost in thought. I was training for the game, but my mind was elsewhere. By now, I was sure that I was going to lose.
“What?” I asked. I hadn’t heard him the first time.
“I said, this works to your favor. The new story. It’s probably a good way of putting you in the clear. You two had a fight, you threw her out of the house, relationship over, end of story.” Lewis went on while I slipped out of my jersey. I wrapped a towel around my groin this time. I trusted nobody around me anymore.
When I hadn’t said anything to what Lewis had said, he continued. “Unless she decides to make a statement that you were violent with her or something, or that you cheated, or something like that.”
“She won’t,” I said, staring into Lewis’ face.
“How do you know? Don’t presume you know her, Kyle,” Lewis warned, but I looked away from him.
“I do know her,” I said, quietly. I wasn’t in the mood to smile or even look at Lewis or talk to anyone. I was going to be a father, and nobody knew about it. There was nobody for me to share the news with.
“You spent a few days with her. That’s it. She’s a journalist. You said yourself that she cares about her career. She might say something like that to save face.” Lewis spoke spiritedly.
I slammed the locker door shut loudly. “Then let her.”
“But we will have to formulate a counter attack.”
“No counter attack. She can say what she likes, which I highly doubt she will and I don’t want you to issue any statement from my side either.” I was walking away from Lewis, but he followed me.
“Are you crazy, Kyle? You have to look out for yourself, not for a woman you barely know.” Lewis was speaking through gritted teeth.
I whipped around to look at him, looked him directly in the eye. “I do know her Lewis, and I’m in love with her.” That was the first time I had said it, even to myself, but I knew that was the truth. There was no denying it anymore. It wasn’t just about the fact that we were going to have a child together. It was about my feelings for her. I missed her, and she didn’t even know it.
“You’ve lost it completely, Kyle. This woman could very easily use you. She might have planted cameras for that initial picture for all we know. Who knew Erica Lee’s name before all this started? Now the whole country knows her.” Lewis had worked himself up. He was talking very loudly and was following me to the shower.
“Like I said, Lewis. I don’t care.” I was on the verge of revealing to him that she was also pregnant with my child, but I stopped myself just in time. It was as much a secret of hers as it was mine and I had no right to reveal it to anybody without consulting her first.
“You’ll care when she fucks you over,” Lewis spat at me as I pulled the shower curtain aside.
“If she does, I won’t call you. Thanks, Lewis,” I said and stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain shut. The steamy water hit my skin and I closed my eyes. I pictured Erica here with me, bent over against the wall, me pounding into her. In those moments we were making a baby and we didn’t even know it.
I wished I could tell my parents. Erica had mentioned proud parents before. I wished I had spoken to her more openly, told her about how sick they both were. I had kept them hidden, away from the public eye, in well-paid nursing homes. I couldn’t care for them myself, and now I needed them. I wanted to tell them that they were going to be grandparents. But I couldn’t. Erica detested me. I had seen it in her eyes, heard it in her voice. She believed I had ruined her life.
I remained in the shower for longer than required, till my skin became wrinkly like a prune. When I stepped out, I pictured her again: sitting on the bench, legs crossed, wearing a shirt of mine. She had looked up at me, pretending to be professional, when I was ready to give her the interview. She had asked me questions nobody had asked me before, and I had answered them. I wish I had known then that there was something special about her. That I was attracted to her, more than just to her body.
But I couldn’t make her talk to me now. She had claimed she needed time away from me, and I respected that. I also knew that she wouldn’t contact me again, not after a story like this. She had had enough of me and my PR stories. I had embarrassed her enough with our fake relationship. If anything, it had only made things worse for her.
I dried myself off with a towel and put on the clothes I had carried with me.
“Hey, Kyle. You remember that chick you banged last season? At the bar?” My teammate Chuck had come up to me. I remembered vaguely who he was talking about. Tall, brunette, Brazilian.
“Yeah,” I said, shrugging.
“She’s here, waiting outside. Wants to see you, lucky bastard.” Chuck laughed and then thumped me on my back.
“I’d appreciate it if you told her I’m not interested,” I said and walked away from him, knowing full well that he was staring after me, surprised by my lack of enthusiasm.
Chapter Seventeen - Erica
I had no reason to come, but he had given me the ticket before when I was living in his apartment. And I wanted to see him in person, one last time. I sat down in the front, in the special seats, surrounded by celebrities and well-known faces. Kyle had given me the best seat in the stadium.
I watched him on the field, and I knew instantly that he was not on top of his game. I regretted ever telling him that there would come a time when he wouldn’t win. Of course, I wanted him to win. I was in love with him. I didn’t hate him. My anger was towards the world, not him.
We hadn’t spoken to each other in over ten days since I had stormed out of his house. He had stayed away, which could only mean one thing: he was glad I was gone.
I noticed the cameras, the paparazzi present as always. They were clicking away, churning up new stories about how a heartbroken Erica Lee had come to the game to watch Kyle Murphy on the field, even after he had thrown her out of his house. I didn’t care anymore. The damage was done. My public life was over. I would have to find a job somewhere as a shop assistant, maybe in my old town. Maybe I could move back in with my dad. He had taken the news of my pregnancy surprisingly well. That was the best option for me now. And this was my last chance of seeing Kyle in person again. Even if it was only from the sidelines.
His lithe athletic bod
y moved like the wind. He was tackled, but he soldiered through. It was easy to see that he was still the apple of everyone’s eye. None of these stories had truly changed their affection for their hero. He was still able to charm his way out of all this.
I clapped as the crowd cheered, a smile on my face. I was genuinely happy to see him on the field. He wasn’t himself, granted, but he was doing his best. He was doing what he was good at and those were the genes that my child would have as well. Kyle Murphy’s genes.
They won. I hadn’t expected them to win, and they had come close to losing, but Kyle saved the day again. His last kick was perfect, it arched through the air and he made it, serving his team with a magnificent victory yet again. When they carried him on their shoulders, he was close to the bleachers. I could see him clearly. The way his chest rose and fell with the excitement, the look on his face. He was surprised they had won, he was in shock that he had been able to do it all. I wondered if he blamed me for his under-performance.
I waited for a few more minutes, watching the team cheer, clap and wave. I adjusted the sunglasses on my face and stood up when they started to walk back in towards the locker room. It was time for me to leave. I had seen what I had come here to see. This would be my last memory of Kyle, in person, at least. I was glad they had won the game.
I weaved through the cheering crowds and made my way out. The crowd was thick and I was pushed around a bit, but I placed my hand on my belly protectively and managed to squeeze my way through.
“Erica!” I heard a voice behind me. When I turned around, I could see Lewis’ head bobbing up in the sea of people. He was waving to me, scorn on his face. I stopped in my tracks as he pushed people out of the way to reach me. “What are you doing here?” he asked when he had managed to come closer. He had to scream over the heads of thousands of fans.
I was still being pushed by the outgoing crowd, and I tried to hold my place. “I came to watch the game,” I said. I could sense the hostility emanating from Lewis. He wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t happy to see me.
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