by Kacey Shea
The vision of Lexi’s smile, a memory I can’t seem to get out of my mind, arrives with Mom’s question and I have to laugh. “I am, actually. I think you would be proud.”
“Do tell.”
“I have a special someone.”
“Special? As in the special women who frequent the house every week when you’re home?”
“No, Mom. Never mind.” I rise from the bed and search the floor for my shirt from last night.
“Sorry. I couldn’t help myself! This is just too good to believe. Who is she? Do I know her?”
“You’ve actually met her. Things are really new still, but when we get a break to come home I want to introduce you. She’s smart, funny, so damn talented, and I really think you’re gonna like her.” Fuck. I remember where my shirt is. Out in the other room, along with Lexi’s sweater. I need to get out there and run interference before the guys give her shit about that. I’m not sure they heard us last night, but they had to put two and two together with my absence.
“If she can turn you to a one-woman man, I’ll love her!”
“Mom. Jesus. You make me sound like a sex fiend.” I lean in closer to the small mirror over the dresser and mess with my hair until it lays the way I like.
“That’s exactly how you’ve been acting. Don’t try to deny it.”
“Well, not anymore. At least, not with anyone other than her.”
“I’m happy for you. Don’t screw it up.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Listen to me, Trent. I’m not being rude; I’m being honest here. You don’t know how to be in a relationship. They’re hard work, even when the attraction is there. If you want her, put in the work.”
“Oh, I know all about that. She’s not easily impressed . . . At least, not by my fame or money.”
“That’s good. Just don’t bail when things get difficult. Because they will. They always do.”
I know exactly to whom she’s referring. “Like Dad.”
“You are nothing like your father, Trent.”
Her defense of my character plants my ass back on the edge of the bed. I run my fingers through my hair, not bothering to tuck it back behind my ears when it falls in my eyes. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m more like him than I realize.”
“You aren’t. Trust me. The only thing you gained from him was his height and the curl to your hair. I didn’t mean to be such a downer. I’m happy for you. You deserve a good woman, Trent. I love you, and I will always want the best for you.”
I hope she’s right. But if not, then I really do need to put forth the work. I want to be the kind of man who deserves a woman like Lexi.
“Love you, too, Mom.”
My mother’s soft laughter comes through the line, and though I know she moves her mouth away from the phone or covers the receiver, I overhear her say, “Oh, Tony. You just want all of my attention, don’t you?”
“Mom!” I stand straight up and pace the tiny area alongside the bed.
“I’ve got to run, Trent.” Her voice returns clear and loud.
“Mom, what the hell? Who’s with you right now?”
“We’ll talk later. Bye!”
“Mom! Wait!” But as I pull the receiver from my ear it’s clear she already ended the call. “Fuck!” I shout to no one, frustration filling my chest. I shouldn’t care that she’s with some man, but I’m not used to this. This territory is uncharted, but I’ve always been her number one. She deserves to find happiness, too. The way I have with Lexi. That thought straightens me the hell up. I’m a mama’s boy, admittedly, and I’m more okay with it than I should be. But my mom’s happiness is as important as mine. I only hope this Tony guy is not a fucking prick. He better treat her right or he’ll have me and the rest of the band to deal with.
My eyes flick to the door. I better get out there and face my walk of shame before they harass Lexi. I don’t really know what to say to them. Lexi and I need to figure out so many things. I’m not sorry for going back on my promise, though—the one to keep my hands off her—because last night was worth all the shit they’re gonna give me. I only hope it doesn’t cause problems for us as a band. Lexi’s so chill I don’t see how it could, but there’s always the possibility.
“Sack up,” I mutter to myself and pull the door open. The quiet sounds of movement and hushed chatter echo from the kitchen area and fill the bus. At least they’re awake. With another step forward a sweet, deep, melodic voice comes from behind the bathroom door, and just like that a smile I can’t prevent pulls at my face. I’ve never heard Lexi sing in the shower before. I can’t help but feel responsible for that. My heart fills as quickly as my pride.
“Well, lookie what the cat dragged in.”
“Still got some lipstick on your face.”
“Probably your dick, too.”
I grab a mug and fill it with coffee before meeting their amused grins. “Are we done yet?”
“Not even close. Sit down and take it like a man. We’ve been working on these all morning.” Austin pats an open chair at the table and I drag myself over to face the music.
Another twenty digs and I’m crying from laughing so hard. The bathroom door bangs open and shut, followed closely by the bedroom door, and Sean regards me with an expression that says we’re done with playtime. Iz leaves to get something from his bunk and Austin clicks on a video game.
“Just say it, man,” I urge Sean because his glare doesn’t leave my face.
“Don’t hurt her. Because if you do, none of us are okay with that.”
I let my lips pull into a grin because I love that my friends don’t want to see Lexi hurt, that they’re protective. And even though it’s directed at me, I understand.
“What? It’s not funny, Trent. She’s not some girl you fuck and send back to the store when a shiny new model becomes available.”
“That’s not why I’m smiling, Sean. I’m not trading Lexi out for anyone. She’s a limited edition. Only a fool would do that.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that.”
“You guys are really okay with this? Lexi and me together?” That catches the others’ attention.
“No matter to me. Just don’t hurt her,” Iz comments before tucking a joint in his pocket.
“Only thing that pisses me off is that your dumb ass gets the room again. Nice loophole, by the way. Fuck. That means you’ll weasel your way into taking the room the rest of the tour.” Austin smarts before focusing his attention at shooting up some computer animated bad guys.
Sean stands from the table and pats my shoulder before walking over to the fridge. “If you’re happy, we’re happy, man.”
That I even questioned they wouldn’t understand brings a bigger smile to my face.
“Fuck. Just stop with that.” Sean resumes his seat across from me, bringing his protein shake to his lips to guzzle. I look around, knit my brows, and throw up my hands because I have no clue to what he’s referring.
“Your face. It’s so fucking happy.” He shakes his head and twists his features into an expression of disappointment.
I am happy. And it’s too bad if he doesn’t like the new look.
But he better fucking get used to it.
28
Lexi
The day passes by in a blur, from sound checks to a radio sponsored meet and greet, lunch with Bedo and the guys, and all the preparation in between. Trent’s undeniably cheerful. His smile accentuates his already beautiful features as he converses with everyone but me. I’m not jealous, or even hurt, because even though he works to keep his focus on the job, his eyes always find their way back to me. And that smile, it grows each time he catches me staring back.
My doubts about this thing between us—how it will work and what happens in the next few months on the road, and even beyond the tour when we inevitably part ways—try to overtake the joy that fills my mind each time he pins me with that magnificent smile. But I don’t let them. I don’t let myself become consume
d with worries. I don’t overthink, just roll through the motions, and before I have more than five minutes to myself it’s time to head onstage.
Music is where I find peace. It’s where I get lost, and for one blissful set, exactly forty-seven minutes, I forget all my troubles, all my blessings. I live in the rhythms I tease from my guitar, the words that pour from my lips, and I exist in nothing other than the moment at hand. It affirms that I’m exactly where I need to be. Tonight’s crowd is no different than any other, but their cheers amplify and feel altered—or maybe it’s me who’s changed. The rush from playing onstage takes me higher than before, and energy thrums through my body. My arms quiver as I exit the stage and head for my dressing room.
Trent, Austin, Sean, Iz, and Bedo come around the corner, heading for the stage, and what a sight they are dressed in tight jeans, heavy boots, and shirts that will probably come off within the first fifteen minutes of the show.
“Lex.” Trent tips his head to me, his eyes burning with a heat I feel down to the tips of my toes.
“Have a good show,” I say with a wave, trying to act normal, even though my body wants to jump his bones. I focus on my feet so I won’t stare at him like some obsessed fan, and breathe a sigh of relief when I make it inside my room without embarrassing myself.
As soon as the door clicks shut behind me, there’s a knock. I pull it open a few inches to reveal Trent’s lean body blocking the space.
“Hey.” I chance a peek up from under my lashes. Fuck. This is why he consumes my thoughts. Why I can’t look away. His eyes, so bold and honest, hold everything I want right now.
“Hey.” One hand grips the doorframe, the other slides up my side until his fingers lift the hem of my tank to rub circles on my hip. It’s a move that’s both innocent and erotic.
I flick my tongue across my lip ring in a silly attempt to calm my racing pulse. “Don’t you have to play?” I raise my brow.
His soft chuckle tugs at the desire already pulsing through my veins and washes over me with delight. “Yeah. I just . . . I wanted to kiss you first.”
“So, kiss me.”
His lips crash with mine and for a few seconds everything but the taste of his kiss fades away. We aren’t in a crowded arena. He’s no one famous. I’m not a music artist trying to make it on my own. We’re just Lexi and Trent.
It’s everything.
He pulls back with that arrogant smirk and a lift of one eyebrow while I struggle to catch my breath. “Tonight, Lexi. Us.”
I nod because I can’t speak at the moment, even if I tried.
“Come watch me play.” He backs away and the door drifts shut. I reach out to catch it and keep it open.
“I’ll try,” I manage, but he shakes his head.
“Come watch me tonight. Please.”
“Okay.” I can’t refuse when he asks so nicely.
His face lights up with that radiant smile and I shut the door before I’m tempted to chase after him. Instead, I settle in front of the mirror, reapply my makeup, and fix my hair until I look as beautiful as I feel. As ready as I’ll ever be, I pack the rest of my stuff in my bag and leave it by the door to pick up after the show.
Making my way toward the stage is strange because I’m not here to play. A different kind of excitement, one that’s even more anxious, settles in my gut. I want to see him, up close and personal, while he performs. It’s his craft and one I have so much respect for when done right, but I’m no good at being a spectator on the sidelines. Jitters overtake my thoughts the closer I get. The screams of the crowd. The wail of the guitars. The crash of the drums. They’re already onstage so I need to hustle. Walking down the hallway that leads to the side of the stage reserved for those with exclusive passes, I find the door that leads to the show.
“Lexi! Over here!”
I turn at the sound of my name and work to veil my shock at who I find waving. It’s Cora. Jealously I can barely contain rushes alongside the myriad insecurities that bubble up with her unannounced arrival.
She jogs over, though it should be impossible in those heels. Her lips are painted cherry pink and her long locks are pulled into a high ponytail. Her dress is a throwback to the ’60s, but looks designer and trendy. She’s the epitome of feminine perfection.
Did Trent know she would be here? Why didn’t he at least warn me? Maybe he didn’t think it’d be a big deal. Why are her legs so goddamn long and flawless? Is she better than I am at sex? If he has the choice between us both, who will he pick?
“Lexi!” Cora’s smile is easy, her joy at my arrival almost believable as she pulls me in for a hug. She backs away and her beauty is only further showcased when she opens her mouth to speak, her hands animated. “Girl! You are like my new favorite artist. Please tell me you have a new album coming because I’ve worn out your EP!”
“Oh, thanks. I’m hoping to record after this tour, but we’ll see.” Her compliment throws me off, and even though she looks every bit the Hollywood starlet, she doesn’t come across as anything other than down to earth.
She hooks her arm through mine as though we’re the best of friends, and leads us backstage. “Now, let’s go watch our boys.”
I’m at war within my head because as much as I want to push Cora away with a mean or snarky comment, I can’t seem to do so. She’s genuine. If I lash out, I’ll be the petty one. I’ve never been that girl.
The moment we find our place backstage, the live music captures my attention. Cora works us closer and closer behind the curtain, where roadies await potential problems and others hold guitars, ready to switch them out between songs. There’s an organized chaos to it all, but the biggest show is standing center stage.
My eyes find Trent, and once they do I cannot drag them away.
He’s the star. He commands every eye in this arena.
It’s mesmerizing.
It’s addicting.
This is his life.
I let myself enjoy the show, sinking into the lyrics he owns, watching him dance and move. I almost feel guilty for the way my eyes eat him up—like a voyeur—taking in everything about him and the way he works the crowd. He wanders to the edge of the stage, moves his hips in an illicit, delicious manner, and the screams of the crowd increase. Between songs, a woman at the edge of the crowd screams, “Fuck me, Trent Donavan!” and lifts her shirt, flashing the stage as well as anyone else standing near.
Trent’s chuckle washes over the crowd, a sound that breathes sex and intimacy. A sound that should be reserved for the woman he’s fucking. For my ears. And that’s when it hits me . . .
The fame, the fans, the notoriety, it will always be Number One for him. It’s so damn tempting to get caught up in the rush of it all, of the band, of Trent. But . . .
I’d be exactly like my mother.
That attacks like a sucker punch to the face.
What the fuck am I doing?
I swore I’d never be like her. I’d never fall for someone like him. Yet isn’t that exactly what I’ve done?
Fuck.
They start the next song and Cora shouts along to the chorus, dancing with the wailing guitars, but she’s not the only one. Thousands and thousands of women in the audience do the exact same thing. They all regard Trent with that same infatuation, that same look of desire, and instead of jealous, I feel . . . defeated. Because part of me wants to do the same thing. Wants to cheer and smile and sing with the famous rock star. There is power in his presence, in the way he owns that microphone. It’s sexual, the way he belts out lyrics, his voice filling me up from the inside out.
But the other part of me, the one that knows what happens next, she’s not fooled by the grandeur of this scene or the man onstage.
She knows this only ends one way.
I can’t leave the stadium fast enough. My boots almost snag on the mounds of electrical cord when I turn to run, and Daryl, one of the roadies, steadies me with a hand. I mutter my thanks and dodge the seemingly closing walls of this space. Trent
’s lyrics haunt me and follow me as I escape. I wish they wouldn’t. I wish I could go back and erase all the moments that led me here. The promises made. The affection I feel for him in my heart. It’s all crippled by fear and the acute knowledge that this man will break me. He won’t be able to help himself, and I’ll be left. Just like my mother.
But I’m stronger than her.
I am stronger.
That’s the mantra I repeat all the way back to the bus. The words I repeat as I wipe the charcoal liner from my eyes and the lipstick from my mouth. As I wash away the makeup and slip from my skintight clothes and into my oldest, baggiest, most comfortable sweats, I repeat the words.
I am stronger. I am strong. I am not her.
I won’t be.
It’s the promise I make to myself. Consequences be damned, I will not waver. I will not become someone I do not recognize or respect. I steel myself for his smile, his charm, his beauty, and honestly spoken words that are sure to put my resolution to the test.
While I wait, I go to the place I know best. My music.
Pulling out my acoustic, paper and pen, I settle into the kitchen nook under one shining spotlight and pour out my soul onto the page, into the notes, and all over the melody that chants along with my breaking heart.
I’m lost in the creative madness that lets me flee a reality I don’t want to face, feeling stronger by the second, when my phone wails from the kitchen counter. Letting it go to voicemail, I attempt to get back in the groove but the damn thing goes off again.
“Fucking hell!” I shout aloud to no one. My concentration is history as I stomp to where I have the device charging.
My mom’s face lights up the screen and I debate picking up. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to talk to her after tonight’s realization, when my thoughts and hurt are fresh. But her persistence gets the better of me.
“Mom.”
“Hey, sweet girl.” Her voice is strained, tired. “How was your show tonight?”
“Good. It’s always good to play. Is everything okay?”
“Been a long week.” She pauses, and through the distance I hear a sniffle. She’s emotional, sometimes a complete wreck, but it’s been years since she called me just to cry.