“Um, yeah. I canceled and hung out with Anna. There’s something I have to tell you, and I don’t want you to get mad. I can’t keep this lie up. I know you want to keep doing it, but I can’t be part of it anymore. This is eating me alive. I can’t imagine Izzy coming to stay with you and learning that I wasn’t going to be here. She would feel so cheated when she found out I lived next door. I think she’s old enough to figure it out, and I just can’t be part of it,” I babbled on as I tried to get all my thoughts out.
When I finally stopped talking, I wasn’t even sure if Devin understood what I had said. He sat across from me in one of the chairs and looked at me intently. His face didn’t look angry, though, but I really had never seen him angry, so I wasn’t sure what he was going to look like.
“I can’t tell them now, Lilli. I just can’t risk having to fight for Izzy.”
“I understand. I just wanted you to know where I was coming from.”
“So you don’t want to date me at all?” he asked as he tried to clarify what I was saying.
“That’s right. I think it’s best if we go our different directions. I don’t like it, Devin, but I know myself well enough to know I’d just bring up this lie any time we fought. Even if we just dated for a few months, this would always be on my mind. I can’t let stuff like this go.”
“I understand.”
“Honestly, I think Ashley will understand. She’s going to be sentenced in a month, right?”
“Yeah, unless she takes a plea deal sooner.”
“Then wait until she’s sentenced, and she’ll let you have Izzy. Bringing those pictures is going to solidify this lie. You’ll never be able to come back from it. If she ever found out the truth, she’s going to feel so tricked and deceived. I can’t imagine how bad that would hurt, especially if it involved a child.”
“Lilli, I can’t. I just can’t risk it.”
I wanted to keep seeing Devin. Just being around him made me tingle. He was handsome, funny, and I genuinely thought he was a good man. But he was wrong about this. I should have told him so when it all first came up, but I didn’t know him well enough at that time.
Now I was mixed up in the whole thing. I’d faked a wedding day photo shoot. I’d told a little girl and her grandparents that I was married to Devin. Well, I avoided saying those specific words, but I’d gone along with the story and clearly taken part in the whole thing.
As much as I liked Devin, I couldn’t keep up the lie. I stood my ground. He was going to have to figure out what to do next all on his own because I couldn’t be part of it.
“Okay, then I better get going,” I said as I hugged him.
He held on to me tightly and lifted me off the ground a little. His lips gently kissed my neck and then pressed against mine as we kissed each other good-bye.
“At least we can still be friends,” Devin said playfully.
“Yeah, I mean I do live next door. Maybe I’ll run into you on a jog sometime. I hope everything goes well with you and for Ashley.”
“Thank you. Would it be alright if I text you and update after things are finalized?”
“Sure. I’d like that. Take care of yourself,” I said and turned toward my house. “I should probably give you the car back too,” I said sort of as an afterthought when I saw the pretty black convertible in my driveway.
“Absolutely not, that’s your old used car with lots of miles and a dent. I would never take that back.”
“Ha, alright. Well, thank you again. Take care of yourself.”
“Lilli,” Devin said, and I turned back around to see what he was going to say next.
But something came over him, and he decided not to say whatever it was; instead, he awkwardly waved at me. I waved back and then went into my house.
“Everything alright?” my father asked the second I walked in the door. “Are you and the neighbor fighting?”
“What?” I asked surprised by what he had said.
“The neighbor that you went on a date with. Are you fighting? You look sad.”
“Oh, yeah; I don’t think that’s going to work out. He’s a nice enough guy, but just not for me. I’m going to head up to my room and shower. See you later, Dad.”
I could barely keep myself together as I hustled up the stairs and closed my bedroom door behind me. I took in a deep breath as the tears fell fast. My chest heaved with emotion, and I fell to the ground crying.
Why was I so emotional? I was the one who broke things off. It was my idea to stop seeing the man, and now I was literally crying on the floor.
It was the idea of Devin that made me so sad. We got along so well. I was comfortable with him in every sense. Nothing about the two of us seemed wrong, even though he was more than ten years older than me. I hoped that someday I would meet a man that I meshed with equally well. But for that moment, I cried for the loss of a dream. It was a flawed dream, but still one that I’d been building up for a couple of weeks, and it had finally toppled down.
The emotions were so raw because I’d given myself fully to Devin. I’d opened up to him like I hadn’t to any other man. It gave me hope that someday I could open up and feel that level of closeness again.
Chapter 18
Devin
Lilli might change her mind.
I had to hold onto the hope that Lilli would change her mind and want to see me again after Izzy came to live with me. Of course, I didn’t like lying about being married. I’d been beating myself up about it since the moment I said it.
Mr. and Mrs. Edwards probably wouldn’t have cared if I was married or not. I could have shown up and simply worked on my relationship with Izzy like I’d been doing over the last few weeks. But the truth of the matter was that I’d already let the cat out of the bag. The lie was started, and there was no taking it back now.
How would it look if I suddenly said I wasn’t really married? There was no way Ashley would go along with letting Izzy come to my house. After seeing just how agitated she was, I could only imagine what a scene Ashley would cause if she learned I’d been lying about being married.
So even though I desperately wanted to stop telling the lie, I couldn’t stop. I had no choice. And if continuing with the story meant that Lilli couldn’t keep dating me, then I’d have to learn to live with that because I was moving forward with the lie.
On Friday evening, I flew out to Jacksonville. I couldn’t sit around my house another moment knowing that Lilli was just a few steps away. She had looked so upset after our conversation.
I pulled into the parking area at the airport, and the loneliness of the moment hit me. I was taking the jet all by myself. Lilli wasn’t joining me. No one else was joining me. Perhaps I should have just taken a commercial flight; it did seem like such a waste as I walked up the steps and was greeted by the two pilots.
“Just you tonight, sir?” The co-pilot asked.
“Yep, just me.”
The statement alone felt empty. I walked past the couch where Lilli and I had been sitting on the last few flights and instead sat in one of the large reclining chairs. I buckled my seatbelt and automatically started reading the newspaper to kill the time and keep my mind busy.
All I wanted was to forget about Lilli, but my mind swirled with thoughts of her, and everywhere I looked I was reminded of the trips she and I had taken.
We only knew each other for a few weeks. Certainly, I could get over a girl I’d known for such little time. But Lilli was different. I had been different with her, and I knew it was going to take a little longer for me to push through the loss of this relationship.
As the plane sped up and readied to take off, I couldn’t help laughing as I remembered how Lilli had grabbed onto the seat in fear the first time we flew together. I even grabbed the leather tightly myself as the nose of the plane lifted off the ground and pointed toward the sky.
My pilot did love his steep ascends, and I noticed it more than ever after flying with Lilli a couple of times and seeing how u
ncomfortable the climb made her. I laughed a little at how I was holding on so tight and even felt a little more nervous than I normally did. She’d changed my view of flying and actually made me more afraid than I had been.
Knowing Lilli had changed a lot for me and that we connected so genuinely gave me hope I’d someday find another woman that I matched up with so well. She was funny and relatively drama-free; I hardly knew that was possible in women these days. Most women wouldn’t have been able to deliver that breakup conversation without turning things negative, yelling or making it into a huge scene. But even while breaking up with me, Lilli had kept her cool.
I couldn’t concentrate on the newspaper as the flight continued, so I opted to grab a nap, instead. It would be nearly midnight when I got into Jacksonville, and I had already told Ashley I was coming to visit with her bright and early at eight o’clock. A little extra sleep might calm my nerves and give me the focus I needed to get through this day.
If I could just make it through this conversation with Ashley, I knew she would see it my way and be willing to let Izzy come stay with me. I meant it when I said I would draw up whatever papers she needed. I didn’t want to take Izzy from her, and that was the truth. I’d always known that Ashley and Izzy had a special bond, and keeping that intact was important for both of them.
The car rental company had a car parked at the terminal for me as usual, and after a short drive into town, I was getting checked into the hotel. The clerk smiled at me and was very polite, but I hadn’t seen him before when checking into that hotel.
I carried my backpack with me up to the room and opted out of having the bellhop help me. Of course, they gave me the same room that Lilli and I had stayed in. I had forgotten that they were so good at customer service and remembering details like that.
The room felt oddly empty as I walked in and instantly went to the window to look out over the city. That’s what Lilli had done on both our previous visits, and it calmed me down a little to do the same thing.
I closed the curtains though and stood looking over the bed. Lilli had slept on the left side both times we were there, so of course, I climbed into the right side of the bed when I got in. The quiet in the room was especially deafening as I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep.
Maybe it was my nap that threw off my sleep cycle, or perhaps it was because I really wanted Lilli there with me. But either way, I barely got a wink of sleep.
I felt a little zombie-like as I went down to the lobby and waited for the valet to get my car. I held my hand over my coat pocket where I had the photos of Lilli and me from our wedding shoot. The urge to look at them overcame me, and I pulled the envelope out while I waited. But just as I was about to look at them, my car pulled up, so I slid them back into my pocket.
On the drive to Ashley’s treatment facility, I was so lost in thought that I’d forgotten to even turn the radio on. I only noticed it when the clicking of the blinker caught my attention as I was pulling into the treatment facilities parking lot.
The outside of the building looked especially bleak as I walked in, and I couldn’t help gazing at the razor on top of the ten-foot fence. Life was more serious than ever for Ashley. I went through the normal check-in process but had to wait much longer than I had on my previous visit. There were nearly a dozen people in the waiting room this time, probably because it was Saturday morning and not the middle of the day. A visit in the morning meant families could still support their loved one and then go about their weekend as normal once they left.
Nearly an hour after arriving, I was finally called back to see Ashley. I handed my personal items to the guard and followed him into the area where he did a quick pat down. It was the same guard as the last time I visited, but he didn’t seem to recognize me at all. His white hair and furry brows looked past me as he did his job and then walked me to the same table I had sat at the last time.
There were six different units at this facility, so only a few of the visitors were in the same unit as I was. I looked around and watched as they visited with their loved ones, and I hoped that Ashley was in a better mood than she had been on our last visit.
When the guard brought Ashley from her room, I knew right away she was doing better. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail, and although she didn’t have any makeup on, her face was clean and free from the oil and sickness that had covered it on our last visit.
Ashley even smiled at me as she joined me at the table. I smiled back in complete shock at the changes I was seeing.
“You look good,” I said as we sat there for a moment.
“Thanks, I’m feeling good. I’m sorry you had to see me like that before. It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m finally feeling like myself again.”
“Wow, I’m really happy for you, Ashley. I know this all can’t be easy on you.”
“It’s not. And I’ve been trying to avoid the inevitable truth that I’m going to jail. But my counselor and I have been talking about it, and I think I’ve finally come to terms with that.”
“You have?”
“Well, I guess you can never totally be okay with it. But I’m doing everything I can to get a lesser sentence, and I did give my lawyers permission to try for a plea bargain. Before, I almost strangled the poor guy when he mentioned it, but now I know he’s just trying to help me get out of here before Izzy turns sixteen.”
“I’m so sorry, Ashley. No matter what has happened between you and me, I’ve always thought you were a great mother.”
It was the truth. I’d only been willing to give up on seeing Izzy because I knew she was in good hands. Despite Ashley’s recent shortcomings, I still thought she was a great mother to Izzy.
“I wasn’t the best I could be over the last year. I’m going to have to deal with that. But I do want to talk to you about the custody. Izzy is doing well here with my parents. I know they are old, and she’s not as happy as she could be, but it’s a stable environment.”
“Ashley, my life is different than it was when we were together, or even the years after that. I’m more settled now. I don’t take nearly as many trips, and I have the freedom to cancel them altogether now. Izzy would be my one and only priority.”
“What about Lilli?” Ashley asked.
It was a reasonable question to ask me if my wife was also a priority. I hesitated to find the right words. Lilli’s voice replayed in my head as I tried to find the courage to tell Ashley the truth. Ashley was doing well; she seemed like she was in a good spot, and if there was ever an opportunity for me to make things right, it was that moment.
“Of course, and Lilli too,” I said.
My heart sank at my own weakness.
“Do you have photos of her?”
“Yeah, I brought some from our wedding photo shoot,” I said as I pulled the envelope out of my pocket and handed it over to Ashley.
“You didn’t have to bring your actual wedding photos.” Ashley laughed. “Any photo would have done fine for me. I just wanted to see what she looked like.”
I rolled my eyes as her parents insisted that I bring wedding photos. They clearly had their suspicions about my story and were trying to catch me by telling me I needed to bring wedding photos. But the joke was on them because I had just handed over a stack full of fake wedding photos in an effort to continue covering up the lie that I never meant to tell.
“She’s very pretty,” Ashley said as she looked through the photos. “But you always did go for the pretty girl,” she said cheekily as she did a little vogue pose for me.
“Thank you.”
“Izzy says that Lilli is really nice as well, and my parents said she didn’t seem like a party girl?”
“Yeah, she works as a nursing assistant and is going to start school to be a nurse soon. She’s young, so there’s a little partying, but not anything like you and I used to do.”
“I’m happy for you, Devin. I know I seemed like a total bitch on our last visit, but I want you to be hap
py. Hell, I want to be happy myself someday. I think the two of you will be able to take care of Izzy just fine while I’m dealing with all of this.”
“Really, you’re going to let Izzy come stay with me?”
“Yeah, she will have a hundred times more fun with you than here with my parents. But you’ve got to get her into school, and you’ll need to keep on her to do her homework. She’ll probably want you to sign her up for a ton of dance classes, so make sure and check the schedules first,” Ashley continued with a ton of details about raising a daughter that I’d never even imagined.
“She will need to go bra shopping soon, and it’s okay to let Lilli take her. She’s not going to want to go with you. Trust me on this. And make time to spend with her at night. Izzy really loves to read, and if you read the same book as she was, then you two could talk about them. I did that, and it was our special thing.”
“Ashley, you’ll still be able to read books in prison. I think we’ll leave that as your special thing. Then you two can talk about the books when we come to visit.”
“You’ll come and visit?” Ashley asked as she started to tear up.
“Of course. I’ll bring her as often as we can. At least once a month. And I’ll have some papers drawn up so you feel comfortable that Izzy can come back with you when you’re ready. However long that is.”
“She might end up with you for the rest of her childhood,” Ashley said through her tears. “I could get over ten years if they don’t agree to a plea bargain.”
“Izzy is my daughter. I’ll always take care of her.”
“Devin, I’m so scared. This whole thing has been such a disaster. I can’t believe I’ve made such a mess of my life.”
“We all make mistakes,” I said partly thinking about the ones I’d made in my own life.
“Yeah, but you’ve never made one like this. I’m sorry you and Lilli have to deal with this whole mess. Please tell her I appreciate everything, and she’s welcome to come visit the next time you two are in town.”
“I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in my life,” I said as my mind spun with the memories of my own shortcomings.
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