by Renee Hart
He pulled me tighter against him. I could tell that he wanted me too, but I wasn't ready to take this to the next level. I had to think about my daughter, and I had to think about the fact that I hadn't been on birth control for years, since there'd been no need for it for so long. Getting knocked up and having to drop out of school again would ruin everything.
But I didn't want to lose this chance to find out where this relationship could go.
***
“Wow,” Conner whispered. “You are amazing.”
I grinned at him, then my cell phone sounded with an incoming text message.
“Darn,” I said. I grabbed my phone. “It's my daughter.”
“Oh.” Conner's eyes widened. I wondered what he was thinking in that moment. Whether the reminder that I had a kid had suddenly turned him off. But I didn't know how to even begin to bring up such a subject.
I read Ari's text. She was wondering when I was coming home. Which was code for asking me when I was bringing her dinner. I sent her a reply, saying that I was on my way now.
“I need to go,” I said.
“Right.” Conner got up, awkwardly brushing his hands on his pants. I started gathering my things, then paused when he wrapped his arms around me. He held me tight for a long moment, then he whispered in my ear, “You're amazing.”
I smiled at him, then gave him a soft kiss. “We'll talk later. Thursday.”
“Right.” He started gathering up his things, though he still had a blissful look on his face.
I watched him subtly as I packed up my books. There were so many things I wanted to ask him. I didn't know how many girls he'd been with before, or whether he was thinking this was the start of a relationship or just a one time thing. I didn't know if he was prepared for dating a mother. Heck, I didn't even know what would happen when fall came and he transferred to a different school to finish his degree. There were a lot of complications, and now just wasn't the time to deal with them.
After we packed up, Conner walked me to my car. I put my bag in the back seat, then we kissed, and I held him for a few minutes. When we parted I squeezed his hands and said, “We'll talk Thursday. But just so you know, I'm glad this happened. It was really amazing.”
“Definitely,” he said. He had a huge grin on his face, and I couldn't help but smile.
I drove home, and when I got there I threw together a quick dinner made from leftovers I'd brought from the school cafeteria yesterday. Ari made a face at them, probably tired of college cafeteria leftovers by now, but I'd forgotten to stop and pick up something fresh on the way home.
She looked at me while we ate, a curious look on her face. I felt my face heating up as I wondered if she could tell what I'd been doing before I came home. She was a smart kid, and we'd had “the talk” a few months ago, so I knew she at least had a grasp of the basics. But there was a big difference between knowing the basic idea of a relationship, versus finding out your mother had been kissing a guy in the school library right before she came home.
She didn't say anything, though she gave me a look that convinced me she knew something was up.
She finished her dinner and headed into her room, leaving me alone in the kitchen with my shame. Now that the heat of the moment was over, I couldn't stop wondering if what I'd done made me a bad mother. Sure, plenty of single mothers still dated, but what I'd done didn't qualify as “dating.” I'd made out with a guy who was supposed to be helping me cram for my chemistry exam.
I sighed and flopped down on the living room couch. I pulled out my chemistry book, though I couldn't focus on any of the practice questions inside. All I could think about was Conner, and what I was going to do about him.
I didn't think a relationship was even a possibility, but I was afraid that if I rejected him, I was going to end up breaking his already fragile heart.
Chapter 9
All day Thursday, I was distracted by thinking about what I would say to Conner. I had a hard time focusing on my classes, which was especially bad in chemistry, since I was already struggling.
When my last class was finished, I gathered my things and headed for the rec center, still trying to figure out what to say to him. I knew I needed a way to let him down easily. I liked him, and he was sweet, and he'd made me feel really good the other day. But I couldn't get into a committed relationship right now. I had to focus my attention on school, and on my daughter.
When I got to the rec center, I found Conner already waiting for me by the door. Instead of going inside, we walked around to one of the benches alongside the building and sat down.
“How've you been?” he asked.
“Good.” I looked down at my feet, brushing a strand of hair back over my ear. “It's been a busy day.”
He reached out and took my hand. I gave his hand a light squeeze. I opened my mouth to start giving him the speech I'd been practicing, but before I said anything, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and said, “I wrote this for you.”
I took the paper, my mouth suddenly going dry. I slowly unfolded it with trembling fingers. I licked my lips and took a deep breath, then started to read:
I'm never good at forming words when speaking to a girl
My tongue gets tied, my palms will sweat, my thoughts begin to swirl
I try to think but in a blink my words are all but lost
So, I thought, a poem will work to get my words across
You're cute and sweet and always sure
To make me smile wide
For months I've felt your deep allure
Though my feelings I tried to hide
And now I hope these words will tell
Just exactly how I've felt
And you will know I long for you
And that my heart is true.
“I know it's no good,” he said, looking away and rubbing a hand through his hair. “I'm a horrible writer. But I just wanted you to know how I feel.”
I read the poem over a second time, unable to find any words. No one had ever written me a poem before. And while maybe it wasn't exactly Keats, it was really sweet, and it made my heart strum in my chest.
I looked up at him, smiling. My eyes felt a bit misty. I held the poem against my chest.
“Do you...like it?” he asked.
“Yes. Very much.”
I leaned forward and kissed him. Long and slow and sweet. The speech I'd been practicing vanished from my mind. I pulled him close, feeling his warmth, and letting my worries fade away as I was swept up by the kiss.
When we pulled apart he blushed, giving me a bashful smile. “So,” he said, laughing nervously. “I, uhh. I mean. I also wanted to ask. If maybe you'd like to have dinner with me one night soon.”
“I'd love to.”
There was a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of all the reasons why I shouldn't have been getting involved with anyone right now. But Conner was just so sweet and adorable. I couldn't bear the thought of pushing him away or rejecting him. I didn't know how a relationship would work, or if it even could, but I felt the need to find out.
I kissed him again, then we took a long walk around the campus, hand in hand, enjoying each other's company and talking about what we'd like to do together. I forgot all about the Lyrical Alliance meeting for that day. I'd already read the only poem I needed to see.
* * *
Over the rest of the semester, Conner and I saw each other two or three times each week. Most of the time we got together on campus, either having a meal in the cafeteria, or finding a secluded corner somewhere to make out.
Some nights, when Ariella was either at her after school art class or spending the evening at her grandfather's, he took me out to dinner or a movie. We ended up missing the ending of the latest Marvel movie when we spent half the film making out in the back row. I felt like a teenager again.
By the time the end of the semester rolled around, I was pulling a C average in my chemistry class, and Conner was asking me when he'd g
et to meet my daughter. We sat in one of the student lounges talking about it one afternoon.
“I mean,” he said, “if you don't want me to, that's fine. I just figured since we've been going out for awhile, I'd like to meet her.”
I toyed with the straw in my drink, thinking it over. “I think I should talk to her about it first. I haven't exactly told her I'm dating someone. I mean, I'm pretty sure she knows, since I never used to stay out late. Not that she minds having some extra time killing alien marines or whatever it is at her grandfather's house.”
“Well, you let me know,” he said. “No pressure.”
When we finished studying for finals that night, I went to pick Ari up from her art class. On the way home I stopped to get us some water ices and we sat out at one of the picnic tables at Rita's so we could talk.
“So, kiddo,” I said. “I've got something to talk to you about.”
“Oh boy,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Here we go.”
“Hey! You make me feel like you don't like our mom/daughter talks.”
She sighed and stirred her water ice. “This isn't another sex thing, is it? Cause, eww.”
“No, it's not a sex thing.” I balked at the idea of her asking me about my sex life with Conner. Though I didn't have anything to hide from her yet, I would be open and honest, and explain to her about birth control. I just hoped we could avoid that talk for a few more years. At least until she was a teenager.
“So, what's up?” she asked in a bored tone.
“Well, I don't know if you know this, but I've sort of been seeing someone.”
“Yeah, Conner, right?”
I dropped my plastic spoon and stared at her. “Wh-what? How? Ari, how did you...?”
She giggled, a mischievous smile on her face. “Come on, Mom. You use the same password for everything.”
“Have you been reading my emails?” My eyes widened, and I made a mental note to delete a few text messages and pictures from my phone as soon as we got done here.
She shrugged. “Not really. Your emails are boring.”
“You wouldn't know that they're boring unless you've been reading them.”
She shrugged again. “So, do you like this guy?”
I was still reeling over the notion that my ten year old daughter had hacked my email. Not that Conner and I had sent anything illicit over email. He'd sent me a couple of poems and sappy love letters, and a few times he'd sent emails about our dates, like when we were going to the movies and it was easier to email me the list of show times than it was to call or text it. Though I silently prayed that she hadn't gotten into my cell phone. I wasn't ready to explain to her why a grown woman might feel the need to send her boyfriend pictures of herself doing...certain things.
“Yes, I like him. He's really sweet, and he treats me nice.”
She shrugged. “Cool. So do I get to meet him?”
“Do you want to?” I fiddled with my spoon, trying to figure out if she was being so casual about this because she just didn't care, or because she was in some kind of denial.
“Sure. Does he play video games?”
“I...I don't know.” I pursed my lips together in thought. Conner had never mentioned video games, but I wasn't a gamer, so I'd certainly never brought it up. He certainly seemed like the type, though.
“How about I invite him over for dinner one night?” I asked. “A real dinner. I'll cook.”
She gave me an uncertain look. “You're going to cook? Like, actually cook, not microwaving?”
“Yes.” I gave her an offended look. “I can cook.”
She snorted and shook her head. “Mom, the last time you cooked was french toast Christmas morning. And you burnt it.”
I pouted, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “Well, I'll cook something else. Spaghetti. You like my spaghetti.”
She shrugged, tilting up her water ice cup to slurp up the slush in the bottom. I sighed, glad that she was so nonchalant about my dating life.
I'd been expecting more of a dramatic affair, possibly with denials of “He's not my father!” Though I wasn't sure if “father” was really part of Ari's vocabulary. She hadn't seen her father since she was in diapers, and the only contact she had with him was once or twice a year when he called her from jail. She never even talked about him, or asked me why he was in jail. I dreaded the day she found out her father was on the national sex offender's registry.
“Can we go home?” Ari asked.
“Yeah. Okay.”
I finished the rest of my water ice, earning myself a brain freeze for rushing. We headed home, I did a deep cleaning of my cell phone's picture gallery and text messages, then I texted Conner and invited him to dinner.
Then I changed my email password, just to be on the safe side.
Chapter 10
I'd been cooking for an hour by the time Conner showed up to meet Ari. The pasta was almost ready, but I'd forgotten the garlic bread. I was standing in the kitchen, reading the directions on the box, when the doorbell rang.
“Ari, please get that.” I read over the instructions a second time, remembering how badly I'd burned the garlic bread last time I'd made any. I couldn't imagine making something like this from scratch, considering how easily I messed up when using the premade kind from the freezer aisle.
The doorbell rang again while I was setting the garlic bread on a tray. “Ari, please. Get the door.”
“I'm in the middle of a boss fight!”
“So pause it!”
I heard her grumbling, then she came out of her room, still holding the wireless controller. She passed by the kitchen and to the front door, opened it, said, “Hey,” then headed straight back to her room.
Conner came in holding a bouquet of flowers. “Hey,” he said to Ari's back as she retreated into her room. He came into the kitchen just as I was closing the oven. “Hey, you.”
“Hi. Sorry it's such a mess. Dinner's almost ready.”
I took the flowers and gave him a kiss, then dug out an old collectible cup from Burger King that was big enough to use as a vase. I set the flowers in the middle of the table, then gave Conner a bigger, sweeter kiss as a thank you.
“Eww, gross,” Ari said as she came in, sans controller, and caught us kissing.
I pulled away from Conner, giggling and blushing. “I thought you were in a boss battle?”
“I died.” She scowled at me as if it were my fault.
“What game?” Conner asked.
“Arkham Origins,” Ari said. “Copperhead keeps kicking my ass.”
“Ari!” I snapped. “Language.”
She rolled her eyes at me and sat at the table.
“I haven't played Origins yet,” Conner said, sitting across from her. “But I loved Arkham City. Is it the same gameplay?”
“Pretty much,” Ari said. “Except they replaced the Freeze Blast with Glue Grenades, which is pretty retarded, but they do the same thing. And Riddler's called 'Enigma' for some reason.”
“Well, that's his origin in the comics,” Conner said.
I lost track of what they were talking about as they started nerding out over Batman stuff, most of which didn't make sense to me. But I was glad they'd found a common ground and were getting along so well.
I finished cooking while they were talking, then we sat down to enjoy a nice meal together. Conner asked Ari about school and her art classes. I was impressed that she actually talked to him, and her cell phone didn't even make an appearance during dinner, which was a rare treat.
After we finished eating, I got up to go to the bathroom. When I finished, I was about to step out when I overheard Ari and Conner talking about me.
“So, are you and my mom going to get married or something?” Ari asked.
I paused in the bathroom with the door open just a crack, straining to hear Conner's response.
“I don't know,” he said. “I don't think we're at that point yet. Most people date for a few years before they talk about marriage.”
“But like, if you did date long enough, would you marry her?”
Conner let out a nervous laugh. I pushed the door open a little further to listen in.
“Maybe,” Conner said. “I care about your mom a lot. I think we'd probably both want to finish school before we started talking about that kind of thing. But it's definitely possible.”
“Okay.”
“Would that be okay with you?” Conner asked. “I mean, it'd be a long time from now. But I'd hope you'd be okay with it.”
“I guess,” Ari said. She paused for a long moment. “Did you know my dad's in jail?”
“No. Your mom never mentioned him.”
“Here, I'll show you.”
I silently cursed, leaning a little further out the door to peek down the hall. I could only see Ari's back from where I stood, but I caught a glimpse of her pulling her phone out of her back pocket.
A moment later, Conner said, “Oh, damn. I had no idea.”
“Yeah,” Ari said. Then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “Don't tell Mom I told you. I don't think she knows that I know.”
I suppressed a groan and took a deep breath. I could only imagine that she'd shown him either her dad's profile in the national sex offender's database, or some kind of online news article about his sentencing. I had never realized she'd looked such things up, but I shouldn't have been surprised. She was practically a little hacker. Of course she would have Googled her dad at some point.
I waited a few moments, then flushed the toilet again with the door open so they'd hear it and know I was done in the bathroom. By the time I got back to the table, they were sitting there talking about video games again, hopefully with no idea that I'd been eavesdropping.
I started cleaning up the dishes. Ari got up from the table and asked Conner, “You want to play Gears?”
“Co-op or versus?” he asked.
“Pfft. I'm gonna kick your as—I mean, butt.”
“Bring it.” He grinned, then gave me a questioning look to see if it was okay. I smiled and nodded.