Living With the Dead: Year One

by Joshua Guess

  Ah, yes, here we go, the horrible, sick feeling in my stomach is back. I managed to distract myself for a few minutes, but of course it didn't last. Screw it, why try to ignore it? Her name was Lindsey. Her dad died, protecting his family from zombies, of course, and she was all her mom had left. "Mommy says Daddy's in heaven now," she would dutifully repeat, but in a voice that sounded like she doubted whether a place like heaven could really exist with a world as messed up as this one. She loved purple, and butterflies, and peanut butter sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Everybody that knew her loved her, and I think she kept our debates more civil, because no one wanted to upset her by shouting and cussing. She would sing little songs about having too many kittens on a boat or frogs on a log or whatever other weird little kid songs there are. She and Steve played together more than once; kids love Steve because he will play whatever they want, and not tell them it's too silly. It was some game they made up where you run back and forth and pick up rocks and put them in a pile but try not to wake the scarecrow, because then you have to roll away? Steve tried to explain it, but I never quite figured it out. Now I guess I never will. If my beautiful sister Sarina is still alive, she'll be ten now, too. I miss her so much I feel like there's a hole in my heart, and having Lindsey around made it feel a little better. Lindsey was a beautiful little girl and a precious life and never did a single thing to possibly deserve a fate like this. If there is any consciousness in the universe that has mercy and the power to act upon it, Lindsey is with her Daddy again, and they are chasing butterflies together and very, very happy. For the rest of us, there is just that patched-up hole in our perimeter where our defenses should have been, and a gaping hole in our community where a little girl should have been. I don't know if it's possible to fix that one.

  I want to punch the people that caused the disturbance, over and over again until they double over from the pain in THEIR gut. I want to scream at them, "MURDERER!" and see them shunned and condemned by the community they betrayed. But, I am not going to act on this. These are thoughts brought on by grief, and acting under these influences will surely lead to vengeance, but not justice. Lindsey didn't even like to hear us arguing; what darker deeds would we think to carry out in her name? Let us each mourn her passing in our own way, but let that be separate from whatever trials and sentencing may take place. Remember these are not even Marauders, these are people that until a few days ago shared chores, meals, music, laughter...and we have to think about intent. Who in the world that remotely counts as a sane individual would WANT a little girl to die? I am sure it was never their intention to harm such an obvious innocent. They are no doubt grieving, too.

  And they should be.

  Posted by Courtney at 7:42 PM

  Friday, May 7, 2010

  Unacceptable

  This is a post from Treesong.

  These fanatics say that the Zombies have been sent by their God as a punishment for our sins. Is it God's plan for a small child to die too? What did she do to deserve this fate? Was it His will that the mother should hold that small, broken, lifeless body in her arms, sobbing for us to fix her?

  Even in all of this madness, I have never beheld anything so horrible in my life. There are no words for watching a child torn to pieces right in front of her mother. It all happened so quickly, and yet it seemed to take a lifetime. I will never forget her cries of sorrow as we said that there was nothing we could do and took the body back out of her arms.

  And it was all avoidable. If we hadn't been caught up in internal struggles, this wouldn't have happened.

  Luckily, I have enough tattered shreds of my sanity remaining to resist the urge to kill these hate-mongers in their sleep. But I want anyone and everyone who sympathizes with them to remember this day.

  We are living in a survival situation here. It's alright if you think some of your fellow survivors are sinful, or misguided, or whatever. We may feel the same way about you, too. It's okay to have different opinions about fundamental theological and political questions. But the minute you start a campaign of hate against your fellow survivors, you doom us all to infighting, and a drain of resources from our survival needs, and ultimately death. And that is unacceptable.

  Posted by Treesong at 1:32 AM

  The Crisis of Choice

  I am still angry. Angry at god, if he is there, for allowing this plague to destroy our society. At marauders, for being what I hate most in people and proving that sometimes the thin veneer you see is really all there is. At these damn people who caused this pointless death, who set in motion events that killed a child.

  You can see the posts below this, lamenting her loss. I did not know her as Courtney and Steve did, and I will not lessen her by claiming that she was close to me. But that does not mean that I do not grieve; I love kids, and I am more protective of them than I am of myself. She was known to me by sight, but my anger is that ANY child should be put so needlessly at risk.

  Pragmatically, that is one less person, one less life full of potential, to further our cause here, which is the survival of the tribe. If that sounds cold, I am sorry. There are so many ways that this hurts us, and I would be less than honest not to explain the uncomfortable ones along with the standard fare.

  We are already breaking our own guidelines. We have had the perpetrators under lock and key for more than a day already, which we didn't want to do. But this is a complex issue, fueled by a lot of emotion right now. We are all angry, and in the interest of justice, we are taking the time we need to reach a decision that is both fair and appropriate. I pray that we can manage it.

  Bread and water for the prisoners, and only the rations that a child of ten would get.

  Seems fair to me.

  More tomorrow.

  Posted by Josh Guess at 12:06 PM

  Wisdom

  I realized today that you can't tell until the bottom of a given post who wrote it, so, this one is from Courtney.

  Kind of busy right now, just wanted to acknowledge some of the comments from Ghostrider2k, who claims not to be a "great thinker or philosopher," yet somehow has managed to work out what a surprising number of our own people couldn't.

  "...intolerance should be left at the door, not to darken our doorways. If we cannot have a 'Live and let Live' attitude among the people we depend on everyday, we are all going to dead and soon."

  There we go. Simple and to the point. Not to go all pop-culture (or is it post-culture now?) but the "LOST" mantra of "Live Together, Die Alone" seems incredibly pertinent to our present zombie apocalypse scenario.

  "Bleh, this kind of nonsense makes my skin crawl."

  You and me both, friend.

  "If it is the end of days, then they and us, missed the big Holy train to heaven, putting us ALL into the same category."

  This thought has crossed my mind more than once, believe me. Maybe it was a fear of that exact scenario that motivated the group now in custody. Maybe they thought they could buy their way into heaven with their condemnation of the sinners around them. Who knows? I hope at least a few will open up and share what on earth their motivations could have been.

  Thank you for your words of support, Ghostrider; they are timely and incredibly appreciated. It is impossible to describe the mood here at the compound with complete accuracy. People are shuffling around, blank expressions on their faces, looking less animate than the zombies we pick off from time to time. The unnatural horror of the hungry dead seems to pale in comparison to our overwhelming sense of failure and loss. Perhaps this sorrow will bring us closer together? I pray for some silver lining to this terrible affair.

  Anyway, as deep as our grief is, we are still on guard, we are not shirking in our duties. What I want to stress here before I sign off is that life goes on, and if you're a reader holed up somewhere and running out of food or something of that nature, please don't hold off on contacting us out of respect for our time of mourning or what have you. We do need to get our house in order, but not at the cost of more l
ives.

  Posted by Courtney at 2:49 PM

  Saturday, May 8, 2010

  The Goings On

  We are on a fast break, so this post is only to let you know what is going on at present.

  We (the council and I) are in a closed meeting, after talking with many people around the compound. I will not give any details at this time, as we are actively deciding what to do about our offenders.

  This is a long and depleting process, and as such I will not be posting anything else today, or adding to this one later. Simply wanted everyone to know the goings on, and that I have not forgotten you. It is my hope that today will set an example for what is and is not acceptable behavior.

  I need to get back, and have some lunch while I have time. One way or another, we will see this finished today. Results to you tomorrow.

  I leave the blog open to Treesong and Courtney, should they wish to add anything, if they have time today.

  Posted by Josh Guess at 11:24 AM

  Sunday, May 9, 2010

  Prices Paid

  This is not going to be a happy post. Many out there are going to read this and wonder if this is a good place to live, and in making that decision, please remember that our actions...my actions, are for the best of the community in the long term.

  Let me preface by saying a few things that have been heavy on my mind during the last few days, while the horrible recent events and the ensuing meetings have been going on. We live in a world plagued by the undead. There are zombies everywhere, attacking constantly. It would be far simpler for us if that were the worst of the problems we have to deal with, but the truth is as hackneyed as it gets: we are our own worst enemies. People are independent, and those that have managed to survive this far have to be far more so than the average person used to be. This is great for survival, but makes cooperative living difficult.

  I welcome debate, argument, and opposing views. But to quote a reader of this blog, narrow minds and attitudes need to be checked at the door. That kind of person will not be able to mesh at all in this place, where we don't try to legislate most behavior.

  So, to the hard part. Five people stood accused of relatively minor charges, mostly to do with vandalism and fearmongering, maybe a little terroristic threatening. But add to that resisting arrest, and assaulting officers (if you want to call us that) and things got a little more intense. But as many of you have probably read, this event led to weak points in our defenses, causing the death of a young girl.

  We discussed it for a long time, and the debate got very heated. Some people that I have long considered friends probably don't look at me the same way again, because ultimately, this idea was mine, and I managed to get the votes, if barely.

  Those five people have been sentenced. The ringleader of their little group, who freely admits to menacing the others into agreeing with him and doing as he asked, has been sentenced to exile. He will be stripped of all possessions, and dropped off outside of Franklin county naked. If he can survive to come back and try to have his vengeance, he is welcome to try. This is actually a compromise on my part--I would have rather him be killed.

  The other four, three men and one woman, will each be whipped, for starters. Each one will get five lashes, in full view of the public, and three months hard labor. If any of them refuse this punishment, we will not force it on them. But if they do refuse, they will be exiled as well. With clothes, since they were not the instigators, but no other supplies.

  It's harsh, and brutal. It seems unfair, but the only way to stop this sort of behavior is to make sure that everyone knows that anything that puts us and our children at risk cannot and will not be tolerated. Have all the personal views you want, but keep it to words, and do not incite violence.

  I want to say something hopeful and moving right now, but all I feel is tired and angry.

  God forgive me.

  Posted by Josh Guess at 10:56 AM

  Monday, May 10, 2010

  Unpopular

  Now I know what George W. Bush felt like.

  I am out of the house right now. I have been taking shit from people for the last day and a half about this call I made to punish the folks that caused the death of a little girl. I need a day off, and this is pretty much the first one I have gotten since the fucking world ended. Jess and I are doing something I have always wanted to do: We're sitting on top of the Frankfort water tower. Well, not on the top, but on the walkway that goes around it. I am typing on my laptop, using my iPhone as a modem. Funny that it took the zombie apocalypse to happen for me to lose enough fear of Apple to jailbreak my phone so I can move about and write easier.

  Jess is sitting beside me, picking off zombies. They are all over the place over here near McDonald's and Franklin square. You sort of have to wonder if George Romero was right when he made all those Living Dead movies. Do they go to places that people used to gather out of some primordial memory of being social? The logical extension of that is, of course, that since they pretty much do nothing but try to eat people, they would want to gather at a fast food place. Go figure. The world falls to shit, people turn into flesh eating corpses, and McDonald's is still doing business.

  I am trying not to think about what is going on back at the compound right now. There is already talk about a vote against me, to remove me from leadership. People saying that I have abused power, all that jazz. Well, they might be right, I don't know. I think I have done all that I can to keep people safe and alive. After all, I was the one who saw this shitstorm coming, and it was me and my friends and family that secured the place YOU ALL FUCKING LIVE IN.

  So if you want to vote me out, go ahead. And a big fuck you, by the way. I get all kinds of hate and bullshit from people for decisions I have made, but not one goddamn thank you. It's so frustrating that I almost wish I had just let in people that I knew, people I trusted.

  You know what? I am so pissed right now that I really don't think that it is wise for me to keep writing. I am going to climb down from here, take out some weapons, and go cut the heads off of a bunch of dead people. I need to let out some aggression, and better them than the next jackass that comes up to me with snarky comments.

  Posted by Josh Guess at 12:00 PM

  Tuesday, May 11, 2010

  Avoidance

  Watched the punishments get carried out today. I saw a man driven naked from his home, from any kind of safety. I saw four people shriek and bleed as the whip ate into them. I won't tell you it made me sick. I won't tell you it made me feel bad.

  Because watching, I felt great. I felt totally justified. I felt a white-hot rage that these worthless bags of shit should be allowed to live while a girl lay dead because of them, and that thought pulsed in me with every snap of the leather. I guess I should have more empathy, should feel horrible that it has come to this. I had to anger and disgust a lot of friends to get this, and I call it worth it.

  There is another meeting being called today. I was told in confidence that it will be a call for a vote, to see if the people want me to stay in my leadership position or to do something else. I should be there, but I won't. There is nothing I can say or do that will make any difference at this point. People who are against me won't believe anything I say, people who are for me won't need convincing.

  So I have decided to use my time doing something more constructive. I am going back out, and I am going to kill some zombies. As many as I can. And set some traps, and lure a ton of the fuckers into them. I am going to do this because I have to do something concretely useful, something measurable and clear, that increases the amount of good in the world, and decreases the bad.

  I'll let the voters decide the rest.

  Posted by Josh Guess at 11:12 AM

  Wednesday, May 12, 2010

  Still Standing

  Not much time to post right now, so I will hand out the salient points. I am still "Leader" for lack of a better term, but now we have a person who is responsible for being a judge. He decides with the council what
crimes deserve what punishment. I am told this is a fair compromise, but I choose to have no opinion on it, since I had no input on that one.