"Oh, what are you whining about?" Dani sneered. "He said he just wants to sacrifice me, not you."
There was a sudden bright burst of light as a short figure appeared next to Karloff, carrying a flickering torch. The short individual stood slightly hunched. He was the color of sewage. If sewerage had a color, that is, and he smelled like it too. Wisps of straggly, dead-looking, hair hung from his scalp, which was a patchwork of black, grey, and mold-colored spots that mixed together in a weird surrealist, postmodernist sort of way. His eyes were giant round saucers that seemed to crackle with chaotic, unbridled energy. He was dressed in rags that barely covered his almost skeletal frame.
A nametag was attached to his left shoulder. It read: HI, MY NAME IS ERNIE. It looked as if ERNIE had been scrawled on there by a five-year-old with a serious case of carpal tunnel.
Ernie's mouth peeled back in a wide smile. I noted that his gums were the color of decomposing flesh and seemed to be missing most of their teeth, except for a convenient front tooth that sort of gave him the image of a buckwheat redneck, that is if you could get past the fact that what he really looked like was a walking strain of lethal bacteria that was excreted from some dying animal.
"Yes, master?" he asked Karloff.
"We're performing the Dark Ceremony. Prepare the young lady for sacrifice," Karloff commanded and disappeared back into the shadows.
Ernie giggled like a mad hyena as he eyed Dani hungrily.
"Uh, Mike?"
"Yeah, I'm thinking," I replied, it beat the hell out of saying that I was totally clueless and we were probably going to die.
"Hehehe," Ernie giggled. He lowered the torch to his mouth and blew.
The fire whipped out and shot through the bars, swirling around Dani.
"Dani!" I shouted, taking an involuntary step back and then jumping forward again.
But it was too late.
The fire wrapped around Dani tightly and then she was gone. Vanished in a puff of smoke.
I turned back to Ernie. The creepy little man-thing giggled insanely.
I gripped the bars tightly. "I'm gonna kill you, you little creep! What did you do to her?"
Ernie just laughed aloud and blew out his torch, disappearing into the darkness.
Things had officially gone from bad to really bad.
5
I sat back down against the bars and closed my eyes. Behind me I heard a shuffling noise, not unlike the sound of a rat. I shivered uncontrollably. Now what?
"Psst, hey man," whispered a vaguely Latino voice. "You still there, man?"
Without opening my eyes, I pursed my lips and carefully thought about my answer. Finally I said, "No."
"Oh," the Latino voice replied, sounding very disappointed.
There was silence.
The silence went on for almost a minute before I opened my eyes.
It was still very dark.
I twisted my head to look over my shoulder, but I saw nothing.
"Hello?" I said.
There was the shuffling noise again.
"Who's there?"
"You're the one who brought the nebulous back, aren't you?" It wasn't the Latino voice. This one had more of a general European sort of accent.
"Actually," I replied, shifting into a more comfortable position, "that was my girlfriend."
"Doesn't matter. The point is that Wolfe no longer has it," the voice from the darkness said.
"Well, that's because he's dead…uh not exactly dead...that is to say-"
"I understand," the voice interrupted impatiently. "Now you must understand. The nebulous falling into Karloff's hands is a very bad thing." As if Wolfe having it was not bad enough.
"No, Karloff trying to sacrifice my girlfriend is a very bad thing. I couldn't give a rat's butt about this stupid nebulous."
The voice gave a morbid laugh. "You don't understand. Karloff's going to use the nebulous to unleash the dark forces of the Twilight dimensions and bring about the next apocalypse."
"Whoa, back up a bit," I said, waving my hands. "What do you mean the 'next apocalypse?' This has happened before?"
"What do you think caused the Big Bang?"
"I'm a Christian. I don't believe in the Big Bang," I replied.
"You will."
I rolled my eyes.
"How does Dani factor into all this?"
"Karloff needs the blood of a virgin female to activate the nebulous." After a short pause the voice said, "He's not a nice man, you know."
"Really?" I said dryly. "Look, while this is all terribly depressing, what good is it going to do me? I'm locked up."
Something slid across the floor. "Take it."
I leaned forward and peered through the bars. It was a key. "Hey, if you've got this, why don't you stop Karloff?"
Almost a minute passed before the voice answered. "The supernatural is bound and governed by rules and traditions that cannot be broken. And besides, it was your girlfriend that started this whole mess in the first place."
I picked up the key. "Point taken. So where do I go?"
"Just unlock the cage. Everything will be self-explanatory."
"What is it with you supernatural freaks being vague all the time?"
This time there was no reply.
I stood up and unlocked the cage.
The gate swung open, and then things really got weird.
6
I stepped through the open gate and found myself in a brightly lit cavern. Rows upon rows of winged monkeys stood before me.
Winged monkeys? Seriously? Would the madness ever end?
Luckily, their backs were to me. I picked my way carefully along a barely discernible path, one hand pressed against the rocky wall for support.
Beyond the monkeys stood an array of mismatched monsters. I felt as though I just stepped into a Tim Burton/George Lucas collaboration.
And beyond the monsters stood Karloff, positioned on a giant stage-like slab of stone. Dani was there too, bound to a giant X. Fortunately, it didn’t appear that she was dead yet, just unconscious. I had to pause to fully appreciate the sight.
Dani was wearing something that looked like it had come out of a 1950’s B-Movie horror flick. It was a brown two-piece thing that on any other woman would have probably looked like rags. But on Dani, well, let’s just say, ‘Hubba, hubba.’
Why hadn't I insisted we go to the beach more often? Who knew Dani could pull off a bikini? Certainly not me. Which wasn’t to say I didn't think Dani wasn’t attractive before, because she was. But now, with that two-piece, let me just repeat, ‘Hubba, hubba.’
Focus, Mikey, focus.
I leaned against the stone wall and sighed. I had absolutely no idea what to do. There were thousands of monsters here. Anything I did would no doubt ensure my immediate and untimely demise.
It was rather scary and more than just a bit depressing.
I looked around the cavern. For the most part the monsters seemed to be subdued, almost mellow, but that could change at any moment. What really made me feel good was that none of them had noticed me yet.
With as much stealth as I could muster, I started back down the path, moving very slowly. I really needed a plan here.
Actually, what I really needed were some really big guns. And maybe a fighter jet or two or three.
Karloff stood to the side on the giant stage looking like a pleasant grandfather who was visiting with his favorite granddaughter, who just happened to be half-naked and trussed up in something that belong in an S&M nightmare.
Visions of beating Karloff to a bloody pulp temporarily distracted me.
A third figure stepped out onto the giant stage. The giant fires that lined the stage cast the figure in an unearthly glow. The figure was tall and dressed in a white lab coat that conjured up images of the traditional mad scientist. The monocle over his left eye certainly didn’t detract from the look either.
The Mad Scientist Wannabe, clearly the grunt man in this situation as Karloff stood on
the opposite side of the stage, walked over to Dani, in his hand he held a black leather case.
I felt a chill run down my spine.
I heard a quiet squeak and slowly turned my head.
One of the winged monkeys stared back at me, its eyes wide and blank.
I had to be very careful. I smiled. “Hi there, little fellow. Don’t want to cause a stir now, do you?”
The monkey tilted its head and opened its mouth. Dani was probably going to kill me for what I was about to do.
I slammed my fist into the monkey’s face just before it screamed, and it fell forward unconscious.
Slowly several other winged monkeys spun around to look at me.
In hindsight, I supposed I shouldn’t have hit the first monkey.
I gave a little, and hopefully nonthreatening, wave. “Hey. Looking for the bathroom. I think I might’ve taken a wrong turn. The troll back there said it was near the emerald room?”
A still silence greeted me.
Another chill ran down my back.
Then, as they say, all hell broke loose.
7
All of the winged monkeys exploded into the air, like half-crazed bats out of Hell. And, no, that wasn’t hyperbole.
They were screeching and squawking madly. In less than five seconds they were going to be swarming around me, tearing me into tiny, itsy, bitsy pieces. And, of course, if I was dead I wouldn’t be able to save Danielle. So I did the only thing that I could think of.
“By the power of the nebulous I command you to stop!” I shouted, raising my arms in an impressive manner. At least I hoped it was impressive.
The flying monkeys stopped in midair, their sharp little swords glittering in the light of the bonfires.
Hey, it worked. How 'bout that?
Karloff’s voiced echoed up from the stage. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but he doesn’t have the nebulous anymore.”
The Mad Scientist reached into his bag with a gloved hand and pulled out the ruby.
“Crap,” I muttered. This was not turning out to be my day.
The monkeys turned back to me and I could swear I saw some of them smile sadistically.
“Okay, I might not have the nebulous, but I do have something that will strike fear into your feeble little minds!”
Not one of the monkeys even blinked. Tough crowd.
“I am a messenger from,” I paused dramatically, “the Others!”
Dead silence.
I heard Karloff sigh.
“We are the Others,” he said.
“Well, slap me silly and call me sissy boy!” I exclaimed. I briefly wondered if this was who the robed figures were trying to warn me about. “Tell you what,” I said, keeping my hands up in a nonthreatening manner, “why don’t we talk about this?”
“What’s to talk about?” Karloff asked. “You’ve done you’re part. You returned the nebulous to us.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s the part we need to talk about,” I replied. “See, I really wasn’t intending to return anything to anyone. And it has since been brought to my attention that you may be using the nebulous, as you like to call it, for less than charitable purposes. So, what do you say, let Dani go and we’ll call the whole thing even?”
“No.”
“Okay, see, there’s your problem. You don’t think outside the box,” I said. Part of me hoped that if I rambled on enough they all might just drop dead or something. A very small part. “You need to be more open to new thoughts and ideas. I mean, is it going to kill you if you tried something different?”
“It did with Wolfe.”
“Bad example. He doesn’t count because no one’s bothered to fully explain that to me yet.”
Karloff moved down the stage towards me. “Why are you even here? You have served your purpose. I was going to let you go.”
“Uh, well, I don’t mean to be a party pooper,” I said, “but you are trying to sacrifice my girlfriend!”
Karloff waved a dismissing hand. “Oh, come off it. You really want this crazy woman? She was the one who got you into this mess in the first place.”
“Yes, well, while that may be true, I did promise her father that I’d bring her home alive and in one piece. So, you either let her go, and give me back the ruby, because it really wouldn’t be very nice of me to let you go and bring about the next apocalypse, or things are going to get really messy here. OK?”
There was a long stretch of silence, during which many of the flying monkeys stirred restlessly. It appeared to me that some of them hadn’t eaten in a while.
Karloff looked up at me with his grandfatherly eyes and gave me his best grandfatherly smile. I couldn’t help but feel at ease. He grimaced as he said, “No.”
8
The flying monkeys rushed at me, waving their swords wildly.
I was doomed.
I could just see the headline now, “Local College Student Killed by Killer Flying Monkeys see page ten.”
I raised my hands to cover my face as the monkeys swarmed around me, digging their little claws into my flesh and tearing my clothes to shreds. This was not how I had wanted this rescue to go.
“Stop!” Karloff’s deep voice suddenly boomed through the cavern.
The monkeys came to an immediate halt. One of their blades even stopped a mere half an inch from my jugular vein.
At least, I think it was my jugular vein.
“We do not have time for this,” Karloff said, eyeing the monkeys with a look of disgust. Suddenly, he didn’t look so grandfatherly anymore. “He is of no threat to us. Return to your seats. It begins now.”
Like mindless zombies, the monkeys backed off and returned to their seats.
I followed the monkeys’ blank gazes to the stage and watched as Ernie and the grey monster, which now, incidentally, had its head properly reattached, came out.
The bonfires on either side of the stage dimmed and then suddenly flared up wildly.
I slowly continued down the path. No one bothered to stop me.
The Mad Scientist placed the ruby on Dani’s chest and reached back into his black bag.
I wiped some blood from my cheek and winced at the momentary sharp sting.
Quickly, I reached the lower level where the stage stood only a few feet away. I looked back out towards the audience of monkeys and monsters. Each one was focused intently on the Mad Scientist.
This was just too weird.
I noticed also that the walls around me were adorned with various types of bladed weapons. I grabbed a large double-edged sword with a silver handle carved into the shape of a vicious dragon. I made a mental note to try and hang onto this sword as a possible souvenir. Dani had a thing for dragons.
I looked back towards the stage. The Mad Scientist now held a sharply curved dagger over Dani’s bare stomach.
Showtime.
I stepped onto the stage; my sword held in what I hoped was a confident manner.
“Okay, boys, playtime’s over.”
The Mad Scientist slowly raised his gaze from Dani’s stomach to my face.
“You are an insignificant whelp,” he said in a monotone voice.
“Yeah, and you’re butt ugly. Get over it.” Then I swung my blade and chopped off his head.
Suprisingly there was no blood, although the head did go flying and smash against the rock wall.
The Scientist’s headless body just stood there, still holding the blade over Dani’s stomach.
Karloff looked at me calmly and pursed his lips. “You just don’t give up, do you? I was perfectly satisfied with letting you live.”
“Then you shouldn’t have tried to sacrifice my girlfriend,” I replied, knocking the headless body off the stage.
Ernie and the grey monster took a step forward, but Karloff raised a hand, preventing them from advancing further.
“I’m beginning to develop an unhealthy dislike for you, young man.”
“Well, I can assure you the feeling’s mutual,” I replie
d.
I looked at Dani. She was still unconscious. I nudged her. “Dani, now would be a really good time to wake up.”
No response.
I looked back at Karloff. He smiled back at me.
“Would you please stop with the sick grandfather smiles,” I said, “they’re really starting to get on my nerves.”
“You have already lost.”
“Yeah, so I’ve been told. What can I say? I’m just a typical youth of America who won’t listen to my elders.” This was too eerie, almost disturbing. No one made a move towards me.
I looked back at Dani. The ruby still sat on her chest. As much as I hated the damn thing, it probably wouldn’t hurt if I hung to it a while longer. I snatched it off her and dropped it into my pocket before it could attach itself to me again.
I poked her again. “Dani, wake up!”
With a loud sigh, Karloff said, “Kill him.”
I whipped my head back to Karloff. He had lowered his hand, and Ernie and the grey monster were now advancing on me.
Ernie giggled. “This is going to be fun, isn’t it, Bert?”
I looked at the grey monster. “Bert? Your name is Bert?”
The grey monster, Bert, stopped. “Yeah, so? You want to make something of it?”
“So, what you’re saying is,” I pointed with my sword, “you guys are Bert and Ernie.”
They nodded.
“Oh, this is just too weird.”
Ernie suddenly leapt at me, screaming like a mad hyena. I whipped the sword around and managed to cut off one of little creep’s arms.
“Ernie!” Bert exclaimed. He pointed a claw at me. “I’m gonna kill you, you little prick.”
I nodded. “I’m sure you are. But, right now your best bet is to take a number and get in line!” I kicked the black bag toward the monster, hoping to buy a few brief seconds.
I swung my sword around and made quick work of the bonds holding Dani in place. I slung her over my shoulder just as Bert swung one of his claws at me.
“Hey watch it! You could kill somebody with those things!” I exclaimed, managing to dodge the claw and not lose Dani, which I thought was a pretty impressive accomplishment.
Graveyard Romance Page 5