Neither said a word for a few minutes. Then Kate spoke again.
“When I lost Emily,” she began very cautiously, unsure if she wanted to pick at this scab, but looking down at Finn, she knew she need to. “I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I would go to sleep every night and pray that God would come and take me. Each morning, when I woke, for a split second, you know that moment between dreams and reality?”
Finn nodded, listening carefully.
“For that one moment,” Kate said, the tears she had been holding back, finally won their battle and trickled down her face. “Everything was perfect. My life was not a disaster. My little girl was not dead. But that moment would pass, and reality would could screaming into my mind. I would lose Emily all over again. It was too hard to keep going through it, day after day.”
Kate paused as the memory of what she was about to tell Finn filled her mind and made her heart ache. He suddenly sat up and looked at her, waiting for her to continue.
“About two months after we lost Emily,” Kate said, her voice now barely a whisper. “I had enough. So, I waited for Callum to leave for work one day. I sat down and I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was. Then, I ran a bath, took a bottle of vodka, a bottle of pills and locked myself in the bathroom.”
“Jesus, Kate,” Finn replied.
“I don’t know why I locked the door,” Kate laughed. “No one was home, and it wasn’t like it was habit, I never locked the door. That day I did.”
“What happened?” Finn asked.
“Callum had forgotten some document he needed that day and he came back home. He assumed I was just in the bath, and he wasn’t going to disturb me, but he went to open the door, just a crack, to say bye again, like he always did. And like always, he didn’t expect me to answer. But the door was locked and he knew.”
“Wow,” was the only thing Finn could say.
“See Finn,” Kate continued. “I know grief, and I know what it feels like to want to give it all up. But, in my heart, I knew that day, something made me lock that door and something made Cal come home. I like to think it was Emily, because if it was, then she is still with me. Just like your mom, and then when the time comes, your dad, will be still with you.”
“Do you really believe that?” Finn asked.
“I have to,” Kate said with a smile. “It’s getting late, and tomorrow, you need to go and tell your dad it’s okay, that you will be okay.”
Finn just nodded.
“I don’t think you should be alone tonight though,” Kate said standing up. “I will make you a bed on the sofa. You can sleep here.”
“Thanks, Kate,” Finn replied, gratefully.
Kate went and got some bedding and made Finn up a bed on the sofa. Then she turned to Finn and kissed him on the cheek.
“Good night Finn,” she whispered.
“Goodnight, Kate,” he replied. “And thank you.”
“Anytime,” she smiled, then turned and walked down the hallway to her bedroom.
She lay there that night and thought of Emily, and for the first time, Kate finally felt some hope. Hope that, whatever happened now, she would learn to be happy again.
Chapter 26
Kate stood in the middle of a field of long grass, the smell of the wild flowers, filled her senses and she felt happy. She held her face up to the afternoon sun with her eyes closed and it felt good, warm and welcoming.
“Mommy,” she heard Emily calling her, then giggle. Kate spun around looking for her daughter, but the sun was too bright and she couldn’t see her.
“Mommy,” she heard her call once again and laugh happily.
Kate’s eyes darted in every direction, trying to see her beautiful Emily, but she was nowhere to be seen.
“Emily!” Kate called out, but there was no response and a feeling of fear began to take hold of her.
Suddenly, dark storm clouds rolled over head and she was standing next to a lake. The rain was beating down hard and she could feel the bank beneath her give way. She scrambled to get to safety, but the ground crumbled beneath her and she hit the water with a deafening splash.
“Mommy,” she heard Emily call again but this time it was different, this time she was scared. Panic took hold as Kate kicked and splashed, trying hard to keep her head above the water.
“Mommy,” Emily cried out once more. Kate fought to keep afloat, but it was no use. She slowly slipped beneath the water and sunk down into the darkness…
Kate sprung up in the bed. She was breathless and covered in a layer of sweat. Before she had time to collect her thoughts, there was a soft tap on the door.
“Kate, it’s me,” Finn’s voice came through the door. “Can I come in?”
Ye…yes,” she said, as she cleared her throat and pulled herself up properly in the bed. The door opened slowly and a half dressed Finn peered around the door.
“Are you okay?” he asked, as he nervously stepped into the room. “I could hear you from out there. You…you were having that dream again.”
“I always have that dream,” Kate replied, brushing her hair back from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “Though, it’s happening less and less.”
“What’s it about?” he asked, edging closer to the bed. Holding out his hand and indicating towards the bed he added. “May I?”
Kate nodded, as she pulled her legs up to her body and wrapped her arms around them.
“So,” Finn said, as his sat on the edge of Kate’s bed. “The dream?”
“I dream I am in this field,” Kate explains. “It’s the field where Callum took me on a picnic, the day he proposed to me. We go back there every year on our anniversary, well we used to. Callum bought it and we had a little summer house built on it. No one knew we had it, it was somewhere only we knew.”
Kate smiled, as she remember all the good times they had in their perfect little hide away.
“In the dream, I’m in the middle of the field,” Kate continued. “I can hear Emily calling me, but the sun is so bright, I can’t see her. She calls me again and again. Then suddenly there are dark clouds. I am standing on a river bank and it begins to rain. The bank gives way and I hit the water. I can hear Emily call again…”
Kate closed her eyes and tried to steady herself. Finn instinctively reached out and took her hand.
“Then I just stop fighting and sink into the blackness” Kate said, as she opened her eyes. “Just like that day, the last thing I remember was the darkness.”
“Kate,” Finn said giving her hand a small squeeze. “I wish there was something I could say to help.”
Before Kate could respond, there was a sudden commotion outside her bedroom door.
Kate could hear Olly’s voice first of all, then a muffled man’s voice.
“You can’t just barge in there!” Kate heard Olly exclaimed, as the door to Kate bedroom burst open and an angry looking Callum appeared in the doorway.
“Callum!” Kate exclaimed and panic quickly gripped her. “This is not what it looks like.”
“And what does it look like, Kate?” Callum snapped back, as anger and hurt poured from his eyes.
“He came here last night because he was upset,” Kate tried to explain. “He slept on the sofa. Nothing happened.”
“And he just happened to get lost on the way to the bathroom, and stumbled into your room!” Callum spat back at her. Kate was taken aback by his very hostile demeanour.
“Cal, please,” Kate said climbing out from the bed. “I swear, nothing happened.”
“Then why is he here, Kate?” Callum asked angrily. “Why is he here, sitting on your fucking bed?”
“Don’t speak to her like that!” Finn said, standing up from the bed, stepping closer to Callum and Kate. “She told you, nothing happened.”
“This has nothing to do with you,” Callum said, quickly turning his attention to Finn. “Why don’t you get the hell out, this is between me and my wife.”
&nbs
p; “I will go when Kate asks me to leave,” Finn replied moving slightly closer once again.
Callum stepped closer to Finn and looked him straight in the eyes.
“She is my wife,” Callum said in a very clear, calm voice. “You wanna be that guy, the one that wrecks a marriage?”
“I think you need to look in the mirror, buddy,” Finn said holding Callum’s eyes with his. “You were that guy, when you cheated on her.”
Callum’s face was expressionless for a moment. Kate stood and watched them both. She held her breath, as her heart pounded rapidly in her chest.
Finally, Callum gave a small laugh, then turned away briefly before he turned back, and swung his fist, hitting Finn square in the face and sent him tumbling backwards.
“CALLUM!” Kate screamed, as she jumped in front of him. “Have you lost your mind? What the hell is wrong with you?”
He didn’t say a word, instead he just looked into Kate eyes and saw the same look she saw the night he cheated on her, fear, then his heart sank.
Kate turned and looked down at Finn, who was still on the floor in a heap, blood pouring from his nose.
She hurried to him and helped him up off the floor, on to her bed, as she grabbed a box of tissues from her nightstand. Pulling out a handful of them, she pressed them to Finn’s nose.
“I can’t believe you did this, Callum,” Kate said looking up at him from where she knelt in front of Finn. “This was so unnecessary.”
“Oh he was asking for it,” Callum replied, sounding like a bold little kid.
“I think it would be best if you just left,” Kate said, as she turned her attention back to Finn.
“You are kicking me out!” Callum said, in complete shock.
“You have no right to come barging in here and behaving like this,” she replied, getting up from the floor. She walked over to Callum and looked him in the face. “This is my home, Callum.”
“Your home is back in New York,” Callum shot back quickly. “With me.”
Kate sighed and rubbed her eyes. She knew he was right, where ever he was, was her home. But right now, she just didn’t want to argue.
“I don’t want to fight, Callum,” Kate sighed. “Please, just go.”
“But we need to talk,” Callum replied taking hold of her hands. “You need to come home with me. Please Kate, come home with me and forget about this place. Let’s just put all this behind us. Start again.”
“Callum, you are asking a lot from me,” Kate replied. “I love you. I have never stopped, but when you act like this…” She turned and looked at Finn sitting on the bed, holding a bunch of tissues to him bloodied nose.
“You scare me,” Kate replied honestly, as she turned back to Callum. “The Callum I know, would have never hit him like that.”
“Well the Kate I know, would have never fucked him,” Callum shot back angrily, but instantly he regretted his words.
Without missing a beat, she slapped him across the face.
“Get out of my house,” she said coldly, as she turned away from him and sat down on the bed next to Finn.
“Callum, I think you should go,” Leah, who had been standing at the door way next to Olly the whole time, said.
“Fine,” Callum said and he quickly looked back at Leah before he turned and looked at Kate. “If this is what you really want, I will go. I guess you have made your choice.”
He turned and walked out of her room, and headed straight for the front door.
“Kate,” Olly said, looking at her best friend like she had just lost her mind. “You are going to just let him walk out the door like that. I thought you wanted to sort things with him.”
“Not now, Olly,” Kate said, refusing to be drawn into a debate with her friend in front of Finn. She was too mad at Callum to discuss it right at that moment. She couldn’t believe he hit Finn. In all the time she was with Callum, she has never seen him raise his hands to anyone.
Also, she was hurt by the way he spoke to her. Yes, she knew he was angry and when he calmed down he would regret his harsh words, but that didn’t make them hurt any less.
“Kate, your friend is right,” Finn said surprising Kate. “He acted like an asshole, but he loves you and I know you love him. If you let him walk away, you might not get another chance.”
“We need to have you checked over,” Kate said, choosing, not to reply to his previous comment. “I don’t think it’s broken, but we should have it checked out. I will get changed and take you to the emergency room.”
“KATE” Olly snapped, abruptly.
“Olly,” Kate replied, as she turned and looked at her friend. “Please, I am not discussing this. Callum needs to learn that he can’t come in here shouting the odds and beating people up. I did nothing wrong here. He should have taken my word for it.”
“So because he was angry and upset,” Olly replied. “You are going to let him walk away.”
“No,” Kate replied, matter of factly. “I am letting him calm down. He was never going to listen to sense in that mood.”
“And if he leaves?” Olly asked.
“Then he leaves,” Kate replied, without missing a beat. “Now, I need to get changed.”
Without saying another word, she headed into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
She walked in and sat on the edge of the bath and began to cry silently. How was she going to fix this mess now? She was hurt by what Callum had said, but she didn’t want him to leave and not come back. She was just so mad at him right not, but more importantly she was mad at herself.
It felt like no matter what she did, she made things worse. She was a disaster. Maybe she should let Callum go. All she seemed to do was hurt him. She hurt Finn too.
She had enough. It was time for her to make a clean break for once and for all.
Chapter 27
“Callum,” Olly called from the doorway of the house. Callum was just about to climb into his car. He paused briefly and looked back at Olly, but he just turned back to the car, opened the door and climbed in.
Slipping his key into the ignition, he started the car. He put it into gear and was about to drive away when Olly banged on the car window.
He sighed, shut off the ignition, rolled down the window and turned to Olly.
“Olly, now is not a great time,” Callum said, sarcastically. “In case you missed it, I am not exactly having a great day.”
“You can’t leave,” Olly replied. “She is upset and angry. If you leave now, how are you two going to sort this out?”
“I don’t think I have much of a choice,” Callum said, looking passed Olly back up at the house.
“You know she doesn’t mean it,” Olly replied. “She doesn’t really want you to leave.”
“Don’t I?” Callum sighed. “She chose him.”
“Nothing happened, Callum,” Olly reassured him. “He turned up last night. He was upset. From what Leah and I could hear, his dad is dying.”
“Great,” Callum groaned. “And I turn up and beat the crap out of him.”
“You hit him once,” Olly replied. “Just go back in and apologise.”
“I think it’s best if I just go,” Callum said, as he started the engine once again.
“Callum, go talk to her,” Olly pleaded.
“Olly, right now, that’s the last thing she wants,” Callum said, sounding completely defeated. “Think it’s best if I just head back to New York, give her some space. When she is ready, she will know where to find me.”
“You are making a big mistake,” Olly said taking a step back from the car.
“Look after her, Olly,” Callum said as she gave her a half-hearted smile and pulled away from the curb.
As he drove back to the hotel, he played what had just happened in his mind, over again and again. He knew by the look on her face, nothing happened with Finn, but he was still hurt to find him in her room. He could feel there was a closeness between Kate and Finn that Callum hadn’t felt in such
a long time with her. He could see how at ease she felt with him.
He felt like she was slipping through his fingers and he didn’t know how to stop it. How had they ended up hear. They were once so happy and in love. He thought about the day he had asked her to marry him.
He had been planning it for weeks, and when the day arrived he was so nervous, he thought he was going to vomit. They had been together a little under a year and, much to his mother’s horror, he had decided to extend his stay in Ireland, indefinitely.
That day had been a beautiful day, the sun was high in the sky, for which Callum was grateful. As the evening came, he had everything set and perfect for their special night.
Callum had chosen to take her to a small meadow they had been to a couple of times for a picnic. It was somewhere they had found purely by chance, but somewhere they both loved. He had a space clear and had a gazebo erected, in case of rain. He arranged to have all Kate’s favourite foods delivered. There was music and of course champagne. He had fairy lights and candles everywhere. It was a picture perfect scene for a romantic night he would share with the woman he loved.
Kate wasn’t aware that Callum had applied to extend his work visa to remain in Ireland for longer. She believed he was still returning back to New York and that this night out was their last date before Callum headed back home for a few months.
When she stepped out of the doors of her apartment, she was stunned to find Callum standing next to a black town car, wearing a tux and holding a bunch of summer flowers in his hand.
Callum could remember her smile the moment she saw him, she was beautiful.
“What’s all this,” Kate asked as she slowly walked up to Callum and kissed him softly on the lips.
“This is your chariot, my lady,” he replied with a big grin and Kate laughed.
Before she could reply the driver emerged from the car and hurried to open the door for Kate. She smiled at Callum once again before she slipped into the back seat of the big, black car. Callum took a deep breath and climbed in behind her.
When they reached the spot where Callum had organised their dinner, Callum’s stomach knotted with nerves. He watched Kate closely, trying to read her face and figure out what was going through her head.
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