“Online. I saw the lavender in the front yard in a photo and I was sold,” he answered simply.
I gave a contented sigh. “Lavender. I like lavender. There was lavender in the bouquet you gave me too. Before our first date.”
“I know you like lavender. You told me that before.”
“When did I say that?” I asked. My memory was pretty good, and it surprised me I didn’t remember a detail of our relationship over the last few weeks.
“I think it was the summer when we were fourteen. We were camping with our families, and we had gone somewhere on our bikes by ourselves one afternoon.”
The memory was old and hazy. I remembered the summer well, and I knew exactly what he was talking about now that he brought it up.
He kept going, lost in the story. “We found this field on a cliff, overlooking the ocean. The field was filled with lavender as far as the eye could see.”
I listened, captivated by his side of the narrative.
“We had ditched our bikes, and you had run ahead of me, through all the flowers, with your hands above your head, laughing like crazy. I remember the sun hitting your hair and making it glow. I followed you and caught up eventually. We were so free that day, running together without any care or stress on our minds. When I found you, you had a single perfect stem of lavender in your hand. You told me they were your favorite flower and that you were gay and hoped I would still want to be your friend.”
“You put the lavender behind my ear and said of course we were still friends,” I said breathlessly, touching the spot in reminiscence. “I can’t believe you remember that.”
“I remember everything about us, Chase. That moment was special, though, because that was when I knew I was in love with you.”
Carter reached out and pulled a small sprig of lavender from a bouquet in a vase on the nightstand. He kissed the spot right over my ear and put the flower in place gently.
HE made love to me slowly and sweetly. I was so ready for him when he entered me that it felt like we were already one. We pushed to get as close together as possible, with every single point of contact our bodies could manage. Our eyes never left one another. Our lips joined until my lungs ached for more air, and when we couldn’t kiss, we just breathed each other in. He took me higher than I had ever been, until we could take it no more and finally tumbled together. His name on my lips. My name on his.
Carter
WE spent the afternoon in bed together. Every time with him felt special, but that afternoon was something completely unlike any other. Muscles aching, we finally pulled ourselves away from each other to find food for dinner. I discovered a couple of steaks in the fridge. After throwing a bunch of spices on them, I tossed them on the grill while Chase put together a salad with a bunch of fresh vegetables he found waiting for us. Neither of us were big drinkers, but there were a couple of nice bottles of cabernet stocked in the wine rack, so we decided to celebrate, and I poured us each a glass. We ate outside on the patio, taking in the beautiful view and enjoying each other’s company as much as the meal.
The sun started to sink lower in the sky several hours later. We hadn’t moved from our spots at the patio table after dinner, preferring to sit and talk long after the meal was done. Between the sound of the ocean, the lingering scent of the lavender, and the fact that I was with my guy, I was perfectly tranquil. Only one thing could possibly make this evening more relaxing.
“What do you say,” I started when we had finally moved to the kitchen to clear off our plates, “once we’re done with this, we get into that hot tub outside that’s calling our names?”
“That sounds—” He kissed me as he brushed past me to put his plate in the dishwasher. “—absolutely wonderful.”
I finished up in the kitchen while Chase went to change into the swimsuit I’d insisted he bring. He wandered back into the main room a few minutes later, and fuck, he was so sexy I forgot what I was doing entirely. He had on the same bathing suit I had seen him wearing in the photo I had found months ago online. It was square cut, barely covering the length of his cock and balls and doing absolutely nothing to conceal their shape. The suit was dusty blue, with thin, pale gray stripes running diagonally across his hips. He had a bright pink towel he must have found in a closet somewhere in the house thrown around him, covering just enough of his body to tease that there were still bits of him I couldn’t see.
“Not fucking fair,” I groaned.
He giggled, playing innocent, and then turned around to give me a view of the most faultless ass in the world. The hem of the shorts only fell half an inch or so below the swell of his cheeks. My mouth went dry. It was a good thing I was standing behind a counter, because my instant hard-on was intense in my jeans.
“Are you absolutely sure you want to go in the hot tub?” I baited him.
“Yes.” He moved to stand in front of me. “The hot water is going to feel amazing on my sore muscles.”
He picked up my hands from where they rested on the counter and brought them around to his tight round ass, making sure to leave no doubt as to why he was sore.
“I still feel you from earlier. You fucked me so perfectly. God, I love what you do with your cock,” he murmured against my lips, taking them swiftly in a fierce kiss. I dragged him against my full groin, my hands never leaving his ass. He pulled back moments later, his lips red and swollen from my kiss.
“Hot tub,” he said, unwavering, and moved away from me to make his way outside toward the patio.
“Tease!” I called after him, my groin aching from his antics.
I joined him in the Jacuzzi a few minutes later, pissed at myself for not having thought to purchase a sexier swimsuit to drive him as wild as he had made me. My own suit was longer, wine colored, and fit poorly at the moment because my stubborn cock was still half-hard inside it. I pulled an elastic band off my wrist as I climbed the two stairs to get into the tub, tying my hair into a quick bun to keep it from the water.
“Mmm.” His eyes raked over my body.
I certainly didn’t look anywhere near as good as he did in his do-me-now bathing suit, but I liked his eyes on me. I sat down beside him, immediately relishing the feel of the hot, silky water on my skin. I pulled him up so he was seated across my lap and began stroking his legs and torso. We sat like that for a while in silence, enjoying the sunset and the feel of each other’s bodies.
We crawled into bed a few hours later, serene and happy. Chase was soft, sleepy, and warm, smelling faintly of the appropriately lavender-scented soap. We had finally pulled ourselves out of the hot tub long after the night had fallen and the sky was awash with the bright stars you could never see as well in the city. I fell asleep with him in my arms, knowing in my heart that it might be a tough road, but this was the man I was meant to spend my life with.
Chase
I HAD finished packing the few things I had brought with me to the beach house and was doing a final check to make sure we hadn’t forgotten anything. We had spent the second day much the same as the first. Enjoying the time together, relaxing on the deck, and drawing as many orgasms out of each other as we could. We had even gone down to the beach for a while, alternating between walking in the hot sand and in the cool ocean.
I wandered through the sliding door, where Carter was standing with his arms on the railing, looking out at the sea.
“All packed?” he asked me when I walked up alongside him.
“Yup. Are you sure we have to go?” I pouted.
I knew we did. While he was done with the album and had some time off still, I started my summer job the following day. I was actually looking forward to it. I had lucked out and gotten a job helping at the summer music program at Julliard, the one I had attended as a student a million years ago. They only needed a couple of assistants each summer, and the competition was fierce for the positions. It paid well and left enough time in the evenings and weekends for me to keep teaching students privately too. I had one more year before I
graduated, and I was determined to get out of school with as little debt hanging over my head as possible. Life wasn’t going to be easy for a newly graduated composition major, even if my degree was from Julliard.
“Yeah. We have to head out soon. But that doesn’t mean we can’t come back. Maybe for a long weekend or something before the end of summer?”
“I’d like that,” I said with a smile.
We stood in silence for a moment, watching the waves peacefully crash over the shore.
“Chase, I need to tell you something,” Carter said, gripping the railing harder, purposely not looking at me.
My heart sank. I had a feeling I knew what this was about. It was the conversation we had been avoiding for weeks now. I could already feel the tears prickling my eyes. I waited in silence for him to continue.
“They want us to go on tour. They’re pushing post for the album to get it done as quickly as possible. They want us in California next week to discuss publicity and a plan, and then we’d leave right after Labor Day. Europe. At least eight months.”
I felt sick. The lunch we’d had hours ago threatened to make a reappearance. My pulse raced to the point where I was terrified I was going to have a heart attack. I squeezed my eyes closed, refusing to cry in front of this man whom I loved so much but who was hurting me so deeply. Again. I focused on my breathing. In and out. In and out. My gasps were shaky, but I was taking in oxygen, and that meant I was alive. The waves rushed on, unaware of our momentous conversation. Life kept going on around me, but it felt like time had stopped and my world had been devastated. I felt like I was seventeen again, as helpless as when the boy who owned my heart left me for the first time. Only now I already knew how much it ached to watch him walk away.
I stayed silent.
“Baby, please say something,” Carter begged.
I didn’t respond. I would fall apart. “How long have you known?” I finally whispered, barely loud enough to be heard over the sea.
“Officially only a couple of hours. Cory texted me this morning. But we had a pretty solid idea a few days ago.”
I appreciated his honesty, but it did nothing to ease the sinking feeling in my gut that he was abandoning me all over again. I knew he needed to go. This was a huge career boost for the band, and I wanted to be happy for him. But he’d made me fall for him so hard, only to leave me alone again.
I wanted him in my life. I wanted weekend surprises like this. I wanted skating dates and pizza on the couch and someone to come home to after a shitty day. A boyfriend who was more than the occasional text message, or maybe if we were lucky, a voice on a transatlantic phone call every so often.
My pending senior year was going to be stressful and challenging. I had big decisions to make. Did I want to try to get into a master’s program? If so, in what city and at what school? Was I actually cut out to make music for a living? And maybe I didn’t need him to make those decisions, but I wanted him to be with me so we could make them together. I wanted to create a life with a partner, and his being away for the better part of a year wasn’t compatible with the life I wanted for myself.
“Chase. Please. Talk to me,” Carter pleaded.
“I don’t want you to go,” I said, feeling like an unreasonable child.
He nodded. “I know. I don’t want to be apart from you either. I want us to be together more than anything. But this tour—it’s huge, Chasey! Amazing cities, venues that are hundreds of years old. Playing my music, our music, for people who don’t even speak our language. It’s the opportunity I’ve always wanted.”
My tears overflowed and started falling slowly at his words. I wanted those things for him. I wanted him to be happy and for him to bring people together with his music. I wanted him to be successful and significant and to change the world through his songs. Our songs.
“I know,” I said, echoing him. It was all I could get out.
“I need you to tell me how you feel. I need to know what you’re thinking,” he said.
I shook my head. My sadness shifted to irritation. At him for being so reasonable and at myself for being too selfish to be happy for him.
“Fine. You want to know how I feel?” I snapped, swiping the tears off my face.
He must have seen my expression transform from hurt to anger. He drew a long breath, as if readying himself for me to lash out at him.
“I feel like this whole weekend was a manipulation. I feel like you brought me here to remember how easy things were when we were kids. The lavender. The beach. To romance me and have sex with me and make me think you were the perfect fucking boyfriend. Only you knew this was coming! You knew it would fucking kill me to have you leave me, but you wanted to stick the final nail in the coffin and make me fall too fucking in love with you to break up with you before you go!”
I was all but yelling at him now. My tears were flowing freely again—a mix of anger, sadness, and hurt. I hated him for leaving. I hated myself for hating him for leaving. I wanted him to leave now so it would just be over. I wanted him to hold me and never let me go. I was a complete and total mess.
“You’re right.” He nodded slowly. “I did want to make us both remember how far we’ve come and how good we are. I want nothing more than to be with you, Chase. But I don’t want you to be miserable and lonely in return. I love you. I’ve loved you since I was fourteen. I will love you for the rest of my life. Unquestionably. Eight months isn’t a long time when I want forever. But if it’s too much for you, I get it.”
“I hate that you’re putting this on me. It’s not fair, C. You’re making yourself come off as the martyr, and yet I’m the one that has to pull the trigger, even though this is fucking killing me!”
“You’re wrong, Chase,” he said, trying to calm me down and not agitate me further. “The easy thing would be for me not to go. Is that what you want? It would be suicide, Chase. It would destroy the band I’ve worked for years to build. It would ruin my reputation with the biggest label in the country. I’m not good at anything else, baby! This is it for me. Music. Is. It. For. Me. It’s my only option. But if it means losing you….”
“What, C! If it means losing me, what?” I cried. Hating myself for not immediately insisting he go. Hating that I was even considering forcing him to make that choice. Hating that I must be the most selfish asshole on the entire fucking planet.
“I don’t know,” he said, and the heartrending honesty I couldn’t fault him for utterly crushed me.
Carter
THE ride home was horrible. We were both silent for the entire drive. We literally didn’t say one word to each other. I didn’t know what was happening or what his silence meant. His face was turned away from me toward the window the whole time. I would glance over occasionally, seeing his broken expression reflected in the glass. Every so often, he would sniff lightly, or I would see his hand reach up to brush a fallen tear from his cheek, and my heart would break all over again. With the exception of my family moving away in high school, I had never felt more helpless in my life.
I honestly didn’t know what to do. There wasn’t a simple solution. The romantic side of my brain, the side that would do anything for him, wanted to throw all the other crap out the window and do whatever it took to be with him. But life wasn’t that easy. I had a contract, a legal obligation to the label to uphold. And even if I didn’t, was I prepared to walk out on the band? Beau, Ash, and Dean had gone through hell with me for the past couple of years. It wouldn’t just destroy my dreams, but theirs as well. It would be next to impossible for any of us to get work in this business if we broke the contract. I loved what I did. The growing success of the Thorns? It meant the world to me. But Chase…. Chase was the love of my life. I knew it more each day. Losing him was not an option either.
It would have been so easy to be frustrated with him, to think of him as selfish and greedy and inconsiderate. But Chase was none of those things. He was only hurt by this because he wanted to be with me so badly, and how could
anyone not be flattered by that? He knew what he wanted, and he had been honest about that from the beginning. More and more it seemed like this one impasse was an insurmountable obstacle, but I wasn’t willing to let either Chase or the band go.
We hit traffic coming into the city, adding a new level of misery to the end of the drive. Eventually we made our way off the freeway, over the bridge, and through the streets of lower Manhattan. I stopped the car outside his building. He didn’t make a move to get out, so I took that as an opportunity to risk breaking the silence.
“I love you, Chase,” I said simply.
“I love you too.”
“What happens now?” I pleaded for any reassurance he could give me. Any indication that this wouldn’t be a catastrophic stalemate we couldn’t recover from.
“I don’t know. I need to get my head on straight and figure out what I want. How you fit into that. Go to California. When you get back, we’ll talk.”
As much as I desperately wanted him to say, “Fuck it, we’re worth the separation and everything will be okay,” I appreciated his wanting to take some time to think. I genuinely did want him to be happy, instead of placating me and then being miserable and breaking up with me later anyway. He had always been the more mature of the two of us.
“Okay,” I agreed. “I love you.” I needed him to not just hear the words again but to understand how much I truly meant them.
“I love you too,” he echoed, but his voice was hollow. He opened the door, grabbed his bag from the back seat, and headed for the walkway to his building.
Carter
I FOUGHT the urge to text Chase throughout my time in LA. I respected him enough to give him space, and I didn’t want to complicate his life or upset him any more than I already had. At least daily, I saw something that made me think of him. A community piano on the street, lavender flowers in a florist shop, a kitschy diner with horrible wallpaper. I wanted to tell him about my day, hear how working at the Julliard summer program was going. I wanted to remind him that I loved him. There was a beautiful moment each morning when I first woke up and hadn’t yet remembered we were in this awful fight. I would wake up with a smile on my face, thinking how happy I would be to see him or talk to him that day. Then the horrible realization would hit me that it wasn’t going to happen, and the pain came on hard and fast all over again.
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