“I know, but—”
“End of subject,” I interjected sharply and stood up. “After I take a shower I’m going to go buy my third set of bedding.”
“I’ll come with you,” she offered.
I temporarily let go of my anger. After all, it wasn’t really Sophie I was mad it. “I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m just going to go by myself,”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind.”
“You’ve already had to do this with me before. Stay home and relax. I won’t be gone long.”
I showered and got ready quickly. I didn’t care how I looked, so I threw my hair up in a messy bun and dressed in some yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I didn’t bother with makeup. Why put a new coat of paint on a broken down building? I put on my lightweight jacket, and called out a “goodbye” to Sophie before leaving.
At the store, I purchased two oversized feather pillows, a deep crimson duvet set, along with matching curtains, sheets, and a coordinating lamp shade. My room would look completely different, which was exactly what I wanted.
My stomach growled as I walked past the food court, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten today. Not smart. One hamburger and side salad later, I was ready to go home. Pulling onto the road, I turned on the radio. “I Knew You Were Trouble” by Taylor Swift filled my car. I cranked up the volume and sang along at the top of my lungs. This song would be my new anthem.
I had to leave the curtains and pillows in the car until I could make a separate trip because my hands were full with the bedding, and the lampshade was on my head like a hat. My phone rang while I was in the elevator, causing my heart to stop for a second. I couldn’t help myself from wondering if it was Adam. There was no way I could reach it in my pocket without dropping my bags. I exited the elevator and walked to the apartment quickly, wanting to get inside, so I could check my phone.
I set down the bags in front of the door, so I could get out my keys and phone. The missed call was from Sophie. I didn’t bother to listen to the voicemail since I’d see her in two seconds.
“Sophie, I’m home,” I yelled as I entered, using my best Ricky Ricardo impersonation. I put my bags on the couch and removed the lampshade from my head. Within seconds, she came out of her bedroom with Conner hot on her heels. Seeing Conner made me think of Adam. I’d need to get used to seeing him without the automatic correlation.
“I just tried to reach you.” Her voice had a hint of panic. Weird.
“I saw. What’s up?”
“Adam’s in your room.”
“What?” I sputtered in complete disbelief.
“I wanted to warn you before you got home, so you could prepare yourself,” she explained.
“Why did you let him in?”
She looked apprehensive to answer. “He has a lot of questions about the baby, and I don’t think I’m the one to answer them. He may have acted like the biggest jack-hole in the universe, and I know you don’t want to see him, but he deserves to know more about the baby.”
She had a point. It was my mess to deal with, not hers. “Fine,” I conceded, softly “But I need to put these in the washer first.” I just wanted a couple minutes to calm my nerves before seeing him.
“I’ll do it. He obviously heard you’re home. He’ll just come out here if you try to stall.”
I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath before walking to my room. I stared at the door for a moment before opening it. My small amount of preparation was blown to crap when I saw Adam sitting on my desk chair. Other than his bloodshot eyes and the tired look on his face, he looked pretty amazing. Then I noticed his hand, which was taped up from hitting his wall. I hope it still hurts like hell.
Closing the door and leaning back against it, I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. He gave me a tentative half-smile. Really? He thinks he can smile at me? I kept my face completely stoic.
The smile faded from his face. “Sorry to just drop by, but I wasn’t sure if you would answer my calls.”
“I wouldn’t have.” My voice was firm.
“Look, I know a lot of shit went down yesterday, and you’re upset. The state of your room gives me a good idea of just how upset you are, and you have every right to be.” Yes, I do. He leaned forward and pulled his hands down his face. “I’m so sorry, Princess. I lost my head. The idea of you sleeping with him was just too much to bear.”
His eyes were flashing pain. I almost crossed the room and wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to erase the hurt I saw on his face. It killed me to see it.
“I love you, Princess.”
You’re being fooled again, Sienna. How can you be so naïve? I pursed my lips at my own stupidity. Of course he thinks an “I love you” and a couple of thought out looks could hook me. Not anymore. I was done being manipulated.
“Just stop!” I retorted sharply. “I don’t want to hear any of it. Sophie said you wanted to talk about the baby.” I put my hands on my hips. “Gotta say, I’m surprised you even give a crap. Or are you here to tell me you want nothing to do with the baby?”
His eyes snapped to mine. “Why would you say that?” he asked incredulously.
“Gee, maybe because last night you used the expression ‘dodging a bullet’ before you knew it was your baby. Or maybe because you smashed your fist into a wall when you found out it was yours.”
“I punched the wall because—”
I put up my hand. “I don’t want to hear it. What do you want to know about the pregnancy?”
He sighed so long it sounded like he was deflating. “Let’s start with when?”
“When? Care to elaborate?” I held up my hand a second time. “Never mind. Let’s see . . . For starters, I’m due on May ninth because I got pregnant the first time we slept together. I found out when I kept getting sick and missed my period. Obviously, it wasn’t the flu after all.”
“You’ve known that long?” he asked, his voice suddenly risen.
“How long I’ve known doesn’t really matter anymore, Adam.”
“It fucking matters to me. Didn’t you think for one second that I had a right to know?” he admonished.
“Yes.”
I watched his face scrunch up as if he was figuring out a puzzle in his head. “You drank on Halloween,” he stated, disgust in his words.
“No, I didn’t,” I clarified, ashamed that I’d led him to believe I had.
His eyes darkened. “I saw you.”
“It was non-alcoholic beer. I would never do that.”
“But you purposely deceived me into thinking you were. Jesus Christ. You’ve been going out of your way to hide this from me.” He ran his hand through his hair and rested it on the back of his neck. “How could you?” he accused.
I just stood there, overcome with shame.
“I came over here to beg for your forgiveness, thinking everything was my fault.” His eyes looked so tense. “But you are just as much to blame as I am. I never imagined that you’ve known this whole time and deliberately kept me in the dark. I thought you just found out recently and hadn’t had an opportunity to tell me yet.”
“For hiding it from you, I’m truly sorry. That’s the one thing I wish I could change.”
His face softened marginally, and I watched him take a calming breath. “I listened to your voicemail before I came here. Are those really the reasons you didn’t tell me?”
“Yes,” I admitted softly. “I didn’t tell you because I saw two possible outcomes, and both scared the shit out of me. I was in love with you and was terrified I’d lose you once you knew, but I also worried that you would stay with me for the wrong reasons.”
“Didn’t you have any faith in me at all?”
“I did, but I wanted to be absolutely sure of your feelings first.” I let out a dry laugh as my anger came back in full force. “But now I see what an idiot I was. My reasons didn’t matter. I can’t lose someone I never really had, and I can’t have someo
ne stay with me who was only pretending to be there in the first place. And there were never any real feelings on your side, so that was a lost cause too.”
“Dammit, Princess. I didn’t mean anything I said last night.”
“Don’t. Just don’t.” My words came out as more of a plea than a command.
“My heart had just been fucking ripped out of my chest!” he yelled, rising from the chair. He looked at my ceiling while I stood rooted in place, emotions reeling. He brought his eyes to mine and captured my gaze. “I wanted to hurt you,” he admitted, his voice low. “I wanted you to feel what I was feeling, so I lied. You have to believe me.” He looked vulnerable, as if my answer could make or break him.
“I don’t believe you,” I said with absolutely no emotion at all. “I’ve answered your questions. Now go.”
“No.” The wave of sadness that crossed his face seemed genuine.
“I want you out of my life, Adam,” I told him with much more conviction in my voice than I felt. In actuality, the whole sentence was a lie. I didn’t want him out of my life, but I wished I did.
“And the baby, do you want me out of the baby’s life too? Cause that’s not an option.”
“No,” I answered honestly. “You can be in the baby’s life as much or as little as you want.” I looked at my feet and said, “I would never take that from you.”
“I won’t lose you, Princess.” He said it as if it was a fact, and he just wanted to let me in on the knowledge. “I fucked up.” My eyes raised to his. “But then again, so did you. If you had just trusted in me, trusted in us, last night would have never happened.” He stood up and pushed in my chair. I looked at him, looking at me.
“I know I fucked up, Adam, but I didn’t do it to hurt you.” My anger began to resurface as my mind flipped back to last night. I pointed at him. “You, on the other hand, used me. I will NEVER forget what you said.” I watched as all color drained from his face. “Your words will stay with me forever, as a reminder of what happens when a naïve girl hands someone her heart.” I laughed bitterly to myself. “You’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after Trenton.” His jaw clenched tight when I said Trenton’s name. “At least he loved me. You, on the other hand, just loved fucking me. Right? Isn’t that what you said, Adam? That you didn’t love me; you just loved fucking me! Well, fuck you!” My blood was coursing hot and fast with adrenaline. “Trenton’s betrayal was NOTHING compared to yours! I gave you my whole heart. I gave you everything!” I blinked rapidly to suppress the tears. “I hope you enjoyed popping my cherry and screwing me because I was, what was it again? Oh yeah, convenient.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” he yelled back, but then calmed his voice before continuing, “I love you more than I ever thought was possible. I can’t take back what I did and said last night. I will regret that choice for the rest of my life. Everything I said last night was one giant, vicious lie. I need you to believe what I’m telling you right now is the truth.”
“Why, Adam? Why should I do that?”
“I thought I’d just lost the only girl I’ve ever cared about. I never wanted to see you again, but then I got home and you were there, just standing in front of me. That’s when I knew with absolute certainty that I would never love anyone the way I love you.” His sigh was long and suffering. “I thought you had cheated on me, but looking at your face, I realized I loved you anyway. I hated myself so fucking much for still loving you, so I said every single thing I could to make sure you’d never come around me again. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes?” His tone darkened. “Or are you too selfish? Everything you did was selfish. You can hide behind your reasons, but when it comes down to it, you should have told me, no matter what. Even right now you’re being selfish. It’s easier to take none of the blame, and then walk away, just like you always do. Life’s not that easy, Princess. You fucked up. I sure as hell fucked up. And together, we’re both fucked up. But at this point, I really don’t care because I’m nothing without you.”
I spun my back to him, grabbed the doorknob, and turned it. The door was slammed shut by Adam’s large hand before I even got it open an inch. I couldn’t fathom how he even crossed the room that fast. I whipped around to find he was right on top of me, his weight leaning on his hand, blocking me in. He was so close, and I could feel the intensity coming off him in waves.
Adam leaned down, and his brown eyes captured mine. He brought his mouth so close to mine that my breath hitched, and my eyes shifted to his lips. I could tell by the slight curl of his mouth that he noticed. I squeezed my eyes closed. Please don’t kiss me. Please don’t kiss me. I don’t think I can survive it. I felt his lips ever so lightly touch mine. I squeezed my eyes tighter and whispered, “Don’t.” When I opened my eyes, he had backed up a step.
“Take your time, Princess.” His voice was low and had a touch of a menacing tone laced in. “Be mad. Be hurt. Be whatever it is you need to be right now. I’ll give you space, but not a lot, so don’t take too long in figuring out that we belong together.” He lifted my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes pierced through me—straight to my soul. “We do belong together. I will always love you, and you know you still love me too.”
I swatted his hand away. “You’re right. I do love you, or at least the person I thought you were. But I think you’re a master manipulator, and you’re trying to manipulate me right now. So it doesn’t matter that I love you. It doesn’t matter that I’ll probably never stop loving you. None of this matters because the person I love doesn’t really exist. It was all a game, and you won. I never had a clue. Like you said last night, I played right into your hand.”
“The girl I fell in love with would know how much I love her. That girl would see me. She would know me. She would know in her heart that what we have is the real thing.”
“I was that girl, Adam, but I’m not anymore. That girl died last night.” My lip was trembling as I tried to keep my emotions and tears at bay.
He closed his eyes for several moments before reopening them. He searched my face, and said, “No, she didn’t. I can’t accept that. I’m not giving up on you.”
Tears were glassing my eyes as I pulled the door open, and said, “But I’m giving up on you.”
For a split second, he looked as if he was going to say something more, but he walked out of my room. Immediately shutting the door behind me, I banged the back of my head against it, and my tears poured into a great flood. When I could stand no longer, my legs gave out, and I collapsed to the floor. I cried until there wasn’t a single tear left in me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Adam kept true to his word. I found out, through Sophie, that he decided to take a week off of school and went to Conner’s family’s house. Unfortunately, his absence meant I was left to the wolves when I went to class on Monday. It seemed that while Adam was out bar hopping, thinking I was pregnant with Trenton’s baby, he told anyone and everyone he ran into. I found this out when Drake accused me of being a cheating bitch. Those were his exact words. Once I clarified things, he was all apologies. For a second, I wasn’t going to accept, but I would’ve probably thought and said the same thing if I was him. He was a good guy, who was just looking out for his friend. I couldn’t really fault him for that.
“Holy crap. I just can’t see Adam as a dad,” he said, shaking his head in astonishment. “Wait. Does he know now?”
I nodded once. “I told him later that night.”
“Good. He was freaking out thinking you slept with that other dude.” He looked as if he was searching his thoughts. “Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a guy more torn up in my entire life. Hell, I’m surprised he was able to walk home with how much he drank.” He smiled. “No more talk about bad shit. I’m happy for you two. Congratulations, Sienna. I mean it.” His brow knitted. “Sorry again for calling you a cheating bitch. Now that you two are good again, everyone will know it was just a huge misunderstanding.”
I let out a deep breath
. “We’re not together, Drake. We’re through.”
He looked as if I just told him the sky was green. “What? Why?”
“Let’s just say that it didn’t work out, and leave it at that.”
He didn’t reply for several seconds. “If you say so. It just doesn’t make sense. You two are perfect for each other. I never thought I’d see the day that Adam would actually date someone, but you changed all that.” He leaned back in his chair and looked forward. “I know my opinion doesn’t count for much, so take it for what it’s worth,” he said without looking in my direction. “Not being with you will crush him.”
I didn’t get a chance to reply because the professor started class. I didn’t know what I would’ve said anyway. Apparently, Adam had also fooled his friends into buying his charade.
Drake, Courtney, Sophie, Conner, and Zach set most people straight that I wasn’t a cheating bitch. Now I was just Adam’s Baby Momma. Again, exact words. That was what several people referred to me as.
When Adam returned the following Monday, I made sure to stay clear of anywhere I might see him. My initial anger had begun to fade each day, leaving me with only sadness and loneliness. I missed him. I knew that what I missed hadn’t been real, but the old saying of Ignorance is Bliss was true.
I kept up appearances for my friends. Instead of talking about the breakup and all of the other bad stuff, I talked about the baby and all of the good things that would come after the birth. Courtney had forgiven me right away for not telling her about the pregnancy. She kept gushing about how adorable a child would be who had Adam and me for parents. Her reminding me of how hot Adam was really wasn’t the best way to get him off my mind.
***
The days dragged by slow and miserably. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was in a total funk. I tried to focus on school as much as possible. I was going to have to take the second semester off, which meant I wouldn’t graduate until the following spring now. That sucked. I wished I could say that was why I was feeling so depressed, but it wasn’t.
Believing Lies Page 28