by Ned Williams
After this heart wrenching event, Marti and I drifted apart. There were too many reminders and memories we stirred up in one another. A short time later she moved back to Turin and that’s the last I ever saw or heard anything about her.
Of the many thousands of people I knew during my teenage years, there are only two I would most dearly love to meet again. Dear old Randy, Handy, Andy to thank him properly for all he did for me and my beloved Mickey so that I could tell him face to face how sorry I was at the way I treated him. He didn’t deserve my cold and calculating desertion and, even years later, I still feel the need to tell him to his face and ask for his forgiveness. But, unless they ever read this, recognise themselves in this somewhat rambling and aimless account and decide to contact me, I don’t suppose it will ever happen.
After many years of innumerable but delightfully satisfying false starts and side turnings, I finally met the dear person with whom I’ve been passionately in love for decades. Rabbit was able to give me everything my life had lacked – a selfless love and complete stability. The devotion and contentment which he, unselfishly, gave almost made the memory of my previous life slip into obscurity. If I thought about my early life at all, it was as if my experiences belonged to someone else – ‘through a glass darkly’. All my other encounters; loves, desires and satisfactions pale into insignificance against that which Rabbit gave and still gives.
Even so, some nights, when I am feeling particularly nostalgic or mellow through too much red wine, I regale him with recollections of my ‘bad old days’. He always listens with, what appears to be, rapt attention.
“I think you should write a book about all this. It’s in’trestin’” he’d said in his delightfully self mocking way.
“Nah!” was my continual and oft repeated response, “It’s too much of an effort.”
The most recent event which would, once again, change my life occurred, as usual, when I least expected it.
A young gay man called Luke, whom I had known since he was a teenager, suddenly re–established contact after a break of many years. He phoned out of the blue and, after our mutual delight, we arranged for him to come over for a meal.
That evening, after a lot of food, wine and catching up, he stopped and lit a cigarette.
“There’s something I should tell you.”
It sounded serious, “What?” Had he been careless and joined the ever growing ranks of those living with AIDS?
“I’m now a rent boy.” This was said in such a matter–of–fact voice that I had to smile.
“Really?” I said, trying to hold back my humour. Rabbit who, because of my intermittent reminiscences, was now used to such confessions and didn’t even twitch at Luke’s confession.
“Yes, and I knew I could tell you without fear and that you wouldn’t be shocked because – well – didn’t you once tell me that you were on the game as well?”
“That’s right.” I tried to think back to when I could have made this revelation.
“I thought so. You know, Carl, you should write it all down – all you went through.”
Rabbit couldn’t resist and chimed in with, “And that’s exactly what I’ve been telling him.”
“Write all what down?” I knew that I was politely but firmly being got at.
“All your experiences.” I sneered gently at Luke’s suggestion and curled my lip to indicate my disapproval. “It’s important.”
“What on earth for?” I dismissed as lightly as I could.
“I think it would give a warning to anyone who is thinking of getting into it.” The normally happy–go–lucky Luke was straight faced and staring at me intently.
“I don’t think so,” I replied slowly and somewhat hesitantly.
“Why not?” There was a hint of mockery, anger and frustration in his voice.
“For a start, when I was on the game, there was very little need for safe sex. It was a free–for–all society. Most of my memories and experiences would be hopelessly out of date.”
“Bullshit!!” was his studied reply.
“But things have changed,” I pressed on. “Now, you have different problems from those I had to put up with.” Before he could interrupt, I ploughed on. “Besides, it would be far too disgusting – I doubt if anyone would risk printing it – let alone anyone wanting to read it!”
“Fucking hell, Carl. Don’t you believe it! I’ve loads of friends who’d be really interested. They’d love to read it.”
“Hmm,” I pursed. “Let me think about it.” I had no intention of doing so.
“Don’t just think about it, for fuck’s sake. Fucking do something about it.”
The final catalyst was my dear Rabbit.
It was on that fateful visit to my home town, where I was showing him the long lost landmarks of my childhood and youth.
I was so absorbed in my memories, I didn’t notice, at first, that he had gone very quiet. He was staring at the glass building where ‘The Green Goddess’ had once stood.
“What’s the matter? I asked.
“Oh, I was just thinking.” He sounded as if he were on another planet.
“About what?”
With a swift movement, he turned and faced me.
“You know, Carl, you really should take Luke’s advice. You must write it all down!” he smiled kindly, “I think it is important.”
When we returned to London I deliberately blocked the whole idea from my mind. A few days later Luke came over again and I received another full on verbal assault. Rabbit’s urging, coupled with Luke’s gentle pressure made me think that it might be a good idea to put pen to paper. Luke left very late and Rabbit and I went to bed. Almost immediately, he slipped off into a deep sleep but my mind was too full of our recent conversations. So as not to disturb my sleeping partner, I got up and went into the lounge. I sat down at our computer. After creating a ‘word document’, I stared at the blank page. A few moments passed and then my fingers began tapping the keys...
“I suppose the adult I have become and the path I have taken is the ripe fruit which was seeded in my childhood. And it was a member of my family who gleefully planted this seed with evil relish...”
Finally…
The Beginning