She raised her eyebrows at him. "What about justice?"
"I think being forced to admit he was wrong is justice enough for someone like him. It certainly was for me."
April nodded reluctantly. They sat in silence for a moment, then he reached for her hand. She flinched away.
"No, I—" she stuttered. "Sorry. I can't."
Cyan curled his extended fingers back into his palm, but he nodded. For now he was happy just to be able to see her again, alive and well, and in control of her own pack.
"My place is with my people now. They're looking to me for all their answers, and... and half the time I barely feel like I can give them. I can't make things any harder than they already are, for any of us."
"I see. They wouldn't approve."
April bit her lip. If she had anything more to say on the subject she kept it bottled up. She looked away from him, rubbing her arms.
"I take it I'm not an exile any more, at least?" he said.
"You can stay as long as I say so. Some of them like it, some of them don't, but it's my choice now."
"If me being here is still a problem—"
"You'll stay as long as I say so," April repeated firmly.
The sternness in her voice brought a little smile to Cyan's lips. She was so different now from the girl he'd met when he first arrived. Back then the spark of life inside her had been buried beneath worries and doubts, like a newborn chick afraid to poke its head out of the nest for the first time. Now she was a matriarch, living only by the rules she imposed on herself.
Part of him was still concerned for the future, but for the first time in years he finally felt content. His coming to the Highland Pack hadn't been a mistake. For all of the terrible things that had happened, Lisa's death first and foremost among them, it finally seemed like there was a brighter future laying ahead for this group of werewolves.
"You look tired," he said.
"I can barely get a few hours sleep before someone's knocking on my door with another problem. Blackthorn helps keep people in line, but he isn't exactly... tactful. And Harriet doesn't have the patience to deal with half of their squabbles."
"Just remember to take care of yourself, too. Your pack aren't the only ones who deserve some happiness after all of this."
April smiled at him sadly. "I used to think that. When we started doing what we did, just you and me, I was doing it for myself. Right up until the end, deep down I was still thinking about me."
"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy."
"Maybe there wasn't back then, but now I'm their leader." She eyed his hand tentatively, but she did not take it. "That night when I spoke to the others, Harriet told me something. And when they started listening to me, I realised what she meant. My pack would have done anything I said, even if I'd said it for selfish reasons." April's eyes flicked up to meet his. "Then I thought back to what you told me, about when you were a leader. I understand how it happened now, how you started making all those bad decisions. It frightens me, knowing I have that kind of power over them."
"You don't have to feel frightened."
"Yes, I do!" April gave him a pleading look. "Because if I slip, if I start making decisions for my own sake rather than theirs, I'll end up just like Ingrid. I can't doubt myself every time I have to make a choice, wondering whether it's the right thing to do or not. My pack always have to come first. That's the only way I can do this."
"Even if it costs you your own happiness?" Cyan fought back the urge to glare at her. She'd already given them everything. What right did they have to demand this of her as well?
April nodded. "In exchange for theirs, yes."
He reached out, ignoring the pain it caused him, and gripped her hand before she could move away. "You know I love you."
Tears appeared beneath her eyelashes. "Then please don't keep making me ask myself whether I feel the same," she whispered. "Let me choose to let this go."
"That's not a choice you should have to make."
April took a deep, shuddering breath. "I think it is, and I've already made it. I'm sorry, but I can't be who you want me to be." She eased her hand free of his grasp and drew away.
Cyan fell back against the pillows.
"Maybe if you came back here in another ten years, perhaps then you'd find someone different waiting for you," she said. "But that's not who I am, not yet. I can't be everything to everyone at the same time."
"You'd have found your own mate by then," Cyan murmured. He didn't like that she already assumed he was going to leave, but he knew it was true. She had been his reason for staying. He'd left once already when she'd denied him. It would happen again. This was no home to him without her.
"There won't be anyone else," she said.
"I used to think that too." He looked at her with longing. Her appearance made him picture in his mind's eye an older April, with the maturity and confidence of her grandmother. Perhaps a mate, perhaps a mother. But how long would it be before she became that person? Could he wait here, wondering, being reminded that she was beyond his reach every day?
"I'll never forget you, Cyan," she said. "You've done so much for me, and for our whole pack. If there's anything you need—"
"You know what I need."
Tears spilled down April's cheeks, but she didn't try to brush them away. "I hope you find it one day. But please, whatever you decide to do, don't blame yourself for the past any more. You've earned that much."
"If you want me to," he said, his voice husky, "then I will."
They sat together for a long while after saying their silent goodbyes. While it was just the two of them together their raw emotions had time to bleed.
Cyan was glad to be alive. He was happy for April and her pack. His soul even felt lighter than it had in years. But the weight on his heart eclipsed any glimmer of happiness those feeling tried to bring. The fear of losing the person he loved was a burden he'd been fighting against with all of his strength. Now that there was nothing left to fight for, he was lost.
Cyan's body recovered quickly, but it was still several days before he rejoined pack life outside the cabin. He saw April occasionally, but she seemed to be occupied with her new duties almost from dusk till dawn. Blackthorn was just as busy, and besides stopping by once to offer Cyan a stiff thank you for everything he'd done the two barely had the chance to exchange more than a few words.
It was clear that the pack still had a long way to go. April hadn't been exaggerating when she'd mentioned fights breaking out. During meal times the pack no longer mingled together around the central fire, but instead split off into individual groups that conversed in private with one another. Several of the wolves who had followed Hazel tried to provoke Cyan into confrontations when he ran into them, but their barbed comments seemed tiring and childish. He had no difficulty keeping his temper under control, and Blackthorn was always quick to step in when someone crossed over the line.
Some of the others regarded him much more warmly, but even the older wolves like Elthy seemed a little hesitant when he was around them. He was still an outsider to them, and a reminder of their recent troubles. As the days passed he began to feel more and more like he didn't belong.
After half a week with no serious incidents Blackthorn began taking out patrols again. Cyan volunteered immediately, glad for an excuse to get out of the camp and occupy himself with something other than his own thoughts.
On their second patrol up the mountain they found Hazel.
He was with one of the other ferals, tearing at the half-frozen carcass of a deer. When he noticed them, the cold blue eyes that stared back at Cyan were devoid of any of the cunning they had once held. If any trace of his humanity remained, it was only fear and guilt. He backed down and ran long before the other snarling feral abandoned their meal.
After hearing the news April took a day away from the pack to go and find Ingrid again by herself, much to Blackthorn's protest. She wouldn't be argued with, however, and w
hen she returned the following evening it was with assurances that Hazel and the other ferals would be well looked after by her mother. Whatever bond of empathy Ingrid shared with the wild beasts, it was eventually enough to reassure the others that there was no need to continue Hazel's hunts. There had been no sightings of the ferals in Highland Pack territory for days, and days soon stretched into weeks.
As weeks became months, things slowly began to get easier for the splintered group.
Cyan had hoped that once her pack was settled April would find time to remember her feelings for him, but as time rolled on she remained just as distant as ever. With the external threats to the pack and the internal divisions becoming less prominent, her time instead became occupied with domestic issues. A young female who had been mated the previous summer no longer wanted to be joined with her partner, but he felt differently. The couple who lived on the outskirts of the human town on the other side of the mountain showed up one morning with news of the disturbance the discovery of Lisa's body had caused. The issue of the pack's secrecy was called into question again, and some of the adults began to argue that it was no longer safe to send the youngsters back to be schooled amongst the humans.
Every few days a new problem seemed to arise, and April was the one to whom her people brought their concerns. Gradually, Cyan began to accept the truth that this was her life now. If April was ever to find the time and confidence to pursue their relationship again, it was not going to happen within a matter of weeks, or even months.
After several fortnights had passed, he decided it was time for him to leave. The news came as no surprise to anyone. They had been expecting it for a long time, and though a few of the Highland wolves were sad to see him go, most responded with indifference. What did surprise Cyan was that nobody seemed happy at the news. Even those who had been eager to pick a fight with him a few weeks earlier kept any smugness they might have felt to themselves. Either April and Blackthorn had done a good job of keeping them in line, or they'd finally begun to accept that the outsider hadn't been so bad for them after all.
April offered him almost more travelling supplies than he could carry, but he assured her that he only needed enough to see him down the mountain to the human settlement. Once he was there, he could decide on where to go next.
When the morning of his departure came the clouds had parted and the sun was up. The snowy winter seemed to be coming to an end. It was as sure a sign as any that his days amongst the Highland Pack were finally over.
* * * * *
April awoke that morning with a start. In her dreams she had felt as though something was slipping away from her, something just on the edge of her reach that she was about to lose. When she realised what it was, she buried her face in her palms. Taking deep breaths, she gradually soothed herself, facing up to the painful weight in her stomach that she would have no choice but to confront today.
She'd known this day was coming for a long time now. It was for the best, even if part of her had been comforted just by knowing that he was still around. Still within reach. If she'd needed to, she could have gone to his cabin and found solace in his arms just like she had in the past.
The recent weeks had been the most tiring of her whole life, but the constant string of duties and responsibilities had at least kept her too busy to worry about herself. But now the day was here. For the first time since becoming her pack's elder, she didn't feel like getting out of bed.
It was time to put it behind her once and for all. The agonising weight of indecision that kept her from leaving her cabin was exactly why she had to say goodbye to him. She couldn't afford to let her emotions be divided like this. As she ran through her mental checklist of everything she had to deal with that morning her heartbeat began to quicken, a flutter of panic rising in her chest until she forced herself to take several deep breaths again to steady it. One thing at a time. Once she had said goodbye to him, then she could deal with everything else.
The matter of appointing a fourth elder would come first and foremost. There were several candidates who had hinted they were ready for the responsibility, but none of them were suitable. They were all like Hazel, full of ideas and zeal, but without the consideration and self-assurance to turn those traits into real leadership. She would have to find a way to let them all down gently, and then give serious thought as to whether there was anyone left in her pack who would work well as a leader alongside herself and Blackthorn. Harriet's guidance had been invaluable to her over the past few weeks, but her grandmother rarely took an active role in pack life any more. She didn't have the energy or patience to deal with anything other than the most serious of matters.
Her thoughts occupied with the day's problems, April finally compelled herself to get out of bed, mechanically going through the motions to prepare for Cyan's departure. She washed, dressed, ate, and checked the pack she had prepared for him one last time. But her mind was elsewhere, distracted by the business she would be dealing with once he was gone.
Blackthorn and a few of the others had gathered just outside the camp to see Cyan off. He arrived a few minutes after April, and she handed him the pack with a smile and a nod. His eyes told her there were things he still wanted to say, but she had heard them all before. She gave him a faint shake of her head, then squeezed his hand one last time, trying not to remember how his fingers had felt when they'd held her and caressed her body.
The small group walked with him a short way down the mountain, the others voicing their thanks and respect, giving Cyan warm wishes and advice to bear in mind on his travels, along with invitations to come back and stay with them again whenever he wanted. April didn't have the heart to tell them that he wouldn't be coming back.
The conversation passed by in a blur as she walked, the corners of her eyes feeling sore and puffy as she blinked away the bright sunlight. When they eventually came to a stop she barely even heard the goodbye she said to him. He was still looking at her when Blackthorn clapped him on the shoulder and wished him the best of luck. The others seemed hesitant, as if they were waiting for something.
They were waiting for her. Waiting to see if her emotions would spill over in the final moment. Fear gripped her heart as she felt her throat tighten with grief. They couldn't see her like this.
She said nothing.
Cyan held her gaze a moment longer, but her eyes had glazed over. She stared at his back as he turned around, watching it grow smaller and smaller as he walked away. She watched the light reflecting off the buckle of his pack until it was barely a glimmer. Would he think of her when he ate the honey treats she'd cooked for him?
She clapped a hand to her mouth suddenly and turned away, hurrying back up the slope. Voices called after her, but she didn't hear them. She climbed until she was out of earshot, making her way back up to the ridge where she and Cyan had watched the sun go down. From there she could still make him out in the distance, a small black dot moving down the mountain in the direction of the town below. She sank to her knees and let out a sob, the tears finally spilling down her cheeks as she buried her face in her hands and wept.
The soft crunch of boots approached from behind, and Blackthorn put an arm around her shoulders as he knelt down beside her. She leaned against him, unable to make out the shape of Cyan any more through her teary eyes, but continuing to stare in his direction all the same. She clung to Blackthorn's side as she had done when she was scared as a little girl, making no attempt to hide her grief from him.
"Why didn't you stop him?" he said softly after a time.
"Because he makes me doubt myself," she hiccuped.
"He's a good man," Blackthorn sighed, as though admitting to a long-buried truth. "Outsider or not, you could have picked far worse mates."
"But I can't deal with this! Every time I think of him..." She screwed her eyes shut at last, struggling to stop the tears. "The night they brought him back on that stretcher, I was so scared. For a moment I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think. Ever
yone was looking to me, and if he'd been dead, I just— I wouldn't have been able to be their leader. It all would've fallen apart."
Blackthorn waited for her to continue. He seemed to know there must be more.
"If I'd let myself love him, I'd have been doubting myself every day! What if I lost him? What if he left me?"
"I don't think he'd leave you, not after everything he did for us."
April let out a heavy sob. "But I'd never know for sure. I just keep thinking back to when— when he and Lisa—" She had to pause for a moment, shaking her head angrily. "Hazel told me they were together, and I know he wasn't lying. I've heard the others talking about it too. I don't blame him. He just needs someone to make him feel like he has a purpose. But if he can switch that fast, I don't know how I can ever be sure I won't just wake up one day and find him gone." She sniffed, wiping her soaked face with the back of a sleeve. "Because I do love him," she whimpered. "And if I love him more than my pack, if he goes, if I lose him—!" She gave Blackthorn a pleading look.
He shushed her, nodding with understanding, but something in his expression seemed confused. "I saw him with Lisa too. It was just a kiss—"
"I know!"
"—A kiss he didn't seem to want any part of." He frowned at her. "I don't know how Hazel spun it to you, but I was watching the pair of them like a hawk that evening. She kissed him, and he pushed her away without even thinking about it. I kept wondering why, until I found out about you and him."
It was April's turn to look confused. She'd spent so long thinking it over she almost didn't want to believe Blackthorn's version of events. Once again it forced her to question her own judgement.
"Cyan wouldn't stay with us anyway," she said. "He's not at home here. He's a wanderer. He'd leave." Her eyes ached, hot tears cooling fast on her cheeks. Now that Cyan was out of sight, she was almost beginning to feel better. She didn't want to hope again.
Broken Moon: Part 5 Page 9