by Sharp, Tracy
Callahan followed me up to the house and I didn’t argue. The truth was that I wasn’t feeling strong at all, and although I had Buddy, I just didn’t feel like being alone. I needed Callahan with me. I was certain he was the reason I hadn’t gone stark raving mad yet. He had a way of keeping me from losing it. And if there ever was a time where I needed to keep my head, it was right then.
“You can take Jesse’s room.” I began climbing the stairs to my bedroom. “It’s just across the hall from mine.”
“I’ve never seen your room,” Callahan said. “But I guess Jesse’s room is just up the stairs?”
For some reason it seemed strange to me that Callahan had never been to my bedroom. He really hadn’t been anywhere in my house except for the kitchen. “Yeah. Come on, I’ll show you.”
He followed me up the stairs and into Jesse’s room. I held my breath as I looked at all of Jesse’s things. A t-shirt was draped over the chair where it had been tossed. A book sat on the floor next to the bed. He’d told me about it. It was the story of a hacker who had made good after doing time in prison and was now working as a consultant for various companies. Several music CD’s were scattered on the floor next to the stereo and his headphones lay on the pillow. He used them because he often couldn’t sleep and would listen to music into the early morning hours and didn’t want to wake me.
Seeing his things seemed to take all of the fight out of me and I fell to my knees next to the bed, burying my face in my hands. A shuddering sob shook my body as tears fell into my palms. I felt Buddy’s nose nudging my hand and I blindly groped around for his head, patting him lightly without looking at him.
“Hey.” Callahan’s voice was soft as he came up behind me. His arms slipped around my shoulders and he lifted me, helping me to sit on the bed. “We’ll get Jesse back, Leah. We will.”
“Get him back? How? In a pine box? I fucked up, Cal. I was the one who should’ve kept him safe and I didn’t.”
“What were you going to do? Sit at home and watch him every second? That would’ve pissed him off.”
“But I knew Woodard would go after him. I knew it.”
“Woodard sent that woman in to trick Jesse. You couldn’t have predicted that. This isn’t your fault.” He gently lifted my chin with his fingers and I turned my face away, feeling ugly and exposed. I wanted to keep my face buried, cover my weakness and failure.
“I’m a horrible big sister,” I whispered. “I couldn’t keep Susie safe and I basically threw Jesse to the wolves.”
His face registered confusion. “Susie?”
Then I remembered I hadn’t told him about Susie’s abduction and I wished I could stuff the words back into my mouth. It was too late. I decided to tell him. I took a deep breath and told him what had happened to my little sister when we were out riding our bicycles on that sunny summer day. When I finished, my face was soaked with tears I’d never shed for her.
“Oh, babe.” He hugged me close. “I’m so sorry. Can’t you see? You were a child. You couldn’t have saved her.”
“It should’ve been me.”
He leaned back and looked into my eyes, his own eyes sharp and shining. “No. Don’t ever say that.”
“It should’ve been me.”
And that was it. I’d said it. The thing that I’d been feeling since the day the man took her. Instead of feeling relieved of the burden of enormous guilt I’d been feeling, I felt raw inside, as if I was turned inside out. I felt that my failure to protect Jesse was proof that no other words I’d ever said had ever been truer.
There wasn’t anything more to say, so I curled up on Jesse’s bed, facing away from Callahan. He lay behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me close to him. Buddy settled on the floor next to me, refusing to leave my side.
I awoke with a start, jerking awake. I’d been dreaming but the dream was fading away from my mind, leaving only an image of fog drifting silently over a dirt road. My mind reached for the dream to make sense of it but the remnants of the dream came apart and separated like dandelions in the wind.
I felt cold and was thankful for the warmth of Callahan’s body curling into mine. Fear for my brother chilled me to my soul and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I turned on my side to face Callahan. He continued sleeping. I watched his face in the dim light, wanting to run my fingers along his jaw, over his mouth. At that moment, I felt such gratitude toward him for being there for me. I didn’t want to be alone. I needed him and it scared the life out of me.
Right then I needed to feel something more than fear. I leaned in and kissed his mouth. He came awake instantly and kissed me back, a deep sigh in his throat. We were still dressed and I wanted him.
“Get undressed,” I said to him, pulling my top over my head.
Without a word, he slipped out of bed and undressed, dropping his clothes onto the floor. I pulled down my jeans and panties and stepped out of them, climbing back onto the bed. Callahan moved to get back into bed.
“No,” I told him.
He froze, confusion on his face.
“Stay right there.” I moved to the side of the bed and sat in front of him. “Come here.”
He stepped closer to me, his erect cock inches from my face. I ran my hands over his belly, running them around his waist and down over his ass. I leaned in and kissed his stomach, pressing my face against his warm skin. I ran my tongue over his abdomen and circled his navel. He moaned and pushed his cock against my throat. I took him into my mouth, slowly sliding up and down then sucking on the tip. I ran my tongue over the length of him, moving my mouth over him again.
Callahan rested his hands against my shoulders and gently moved me back. “I want you, Leah.”
It occurred to me then that this was Jesse’s room. “Let’s go into my bedroom.”
We made it as far as the hall before Callahan stopped me, turning me toward the wall. He lifted my arms and held my hands over my head with one of his own. The skin on my tits and face felt good pressed up against the coolness of the wall. I wanted to have Callahan under me, with my hands pinning his to the bed, but I let the control freak in me go. For once, it was okay that I wasn’t in control. Just this one moment in time.
He positioned his hips against my ass, then lowered himself and slid up into my wetness. I moaned against the wall as he thrust into me, driving himself deeper and deeper.
“Yes!” My voice sounded far off. I was being swept away from my pain and fear, from everything. All I felt was the sweet pleasure of Callahan’s hard cock thrusting into me. He held my hands against the wall and fucked me away from my anger. He took me to a different place, where nothing mattered but the moment.
He crushed his mouth against my neck and bit into the skin, just hard enough so I would feel it. The pain twisted around the pleasure and a pinprick that began deep inside my slick walls, turned into an unbearable ache. As he slammed into me, one of his hands reached around and found my slick clit. Two fingers made firm but small circles around it, not quite touching it, driving me out of my mind. I screamed out my frustration, knowing that if I pushed my pelvis forward to move against his fingers, I’d risk losing his cock.
“Callahan! Fuck!”
“Okay, baby,” he breathed against my shoulder, moving his fingers directly onto my clit, massaging until I was impossibly swollen.
“Let it go, Leah,” I heard him say.
Then I was trembling and screaming, shuddering as unimaginable pleasure ripped through me.
Callahan sank his teeth a little further into my skin as he came, almost lifting me off the floor as he rammed into me. He yelled against my throat, an animal growl starting deep within his chest. Then he was kissing my shoulder, the back of my neck, my back. “Leah.”
I turned around and he was on his knees, wrapping his arms around me and resting his face against my belly. I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to fight the sense of panic creeping over me. I didn’t want him to love me. I couldn’t have him love m
e. I didn’t deserve it and I couldn’t give it back.
But I did need him.
“Come on, Cal. Let’s go try to get some sleep.”
I led him to my room and we slipped beneath the sheets. I felt warm and protected in Callahan’s arms, cocooned from the world. And as I felt sleep pulling me away from him, it occurred to me that I hadn’t felt that way since I was a little girl, sitting on my father’s lap.
* * *
Before they took her, our lives were normal. We played in the yard, my mother sewed quilts and sold them for extra money. In the evenings, she tutored students in any subject they needed help with. She was a smart woman, well read and talented with crafts. She was also good with numbers and history. It seemed there was nothing she didn’t know at least a little bit about.
My father worked in his pub from eleven-thirty in the morning until one a.m. It was a hard life for him but he was so proud to have a surviving business and be able to raise his family without too many financial hardships. He was a big man with a shock of curly, red hair and a jolly face. I remember his smile and his laugh the most when I think about him. He always seemed to be laughing. He always had a joke to tell. He had a way with people and I’d seen him talk many an angry drunk into some sense of reasoning. I miss him so much sometimes. The way he was before they took Susie.
After the abduction, everything changed. Although my father hugged me fiercely many times after, I had a sense that he blamed me for not taking better care of her. I realize now, years later, that it was not him who blamed me, but me who blamed myself. I felt sorry that I’d let him down. Saying that I was sorry would never change things.
His laugh changed after that. When he did laugh, it was forced and half-hearted. There was no more booming laughter in the house. When I passed by the windows of his pub, I no longer saw the jolly smile he’d always had for his customers before. Now he wore a sad smile that didn’t stay long on his face.
My mother stopped taking students. She stopped quilting. She stood and looked out the kitchen window as if she expected Susie to come skipping up the walk. She hugged herself a lot and she stopped humming. In fact, she stopped making any sound at all. I tried to speak to her but it was as if she couldn’t hear me.
Jesse had been too young to understand. He was only four years old. I took over mothering him because our mother could no longer do it. She started leaving us for a day here and a day there at first. Then it was a few days. Then a week. Pretty soon she left us altogether.
My father continued running his pub and he did his best for us. When I think of how hard he tried, my heart swells and my throat tightens. When I got old enough, I’d bring Jesse to the pub on Sundays and we’d all clean the place together. I can still see Jesse’s tiny hand wrapped around a rag as he cleaned the tables and seats. He didn’t like to just sit and watch Dad and I work. He liked to help.
My father died when I was eighteen. I know he died of a broken heart. When I think of everything he’d been through, and then me getting into so much trouble as a teenager, I almost can’t stand it. I don’t know why I couldn’t have been a better daughter except that I was so pissed off at the world. He deserved better than what he got. That much I do know.
* * *
When I awoke, I felt weak and emotionally drained. My head was throbbing and it seemed that every muscle hurt. Callahan was still sleeping behind me, his breath deep and slow behind my ear. If Woodard didn’t have Jesse and life wasn’t so shitty at that moment, I would’ve jumped his bones right then and there.
I tried to move without waking him, but apparently, like me, he was a light sleeper. He awoke and hugged me closer. Of course, this made me feel claustrophobic and I gently moved his arm off me and sat up, massaging my temples.
“Headache?” His voice was thick with drowsiness.
“Good guess.”
He snickered a little and shook his head.
“What?” I was feeling mean. I had to compensate for my earlier vulnerability.
“Oh, nothing,” he said in a sing-song voice which made me want to punch his face in. “I’m just getting used to your pattern.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I was in no mood for games.
“Leah. Right after you allow yourself to let your guard down with me, you always shove me away. You don’t have to do that.”
“Look, I’m not in the mood for a heart-to-heart right now, okay? I have other things on my mind.”
“I know.” He swung his legs over the side of the bed. “I was just making an observation. I do want to let you know, so that you’ll put your claws back in, that just because you take a break from busting my balls from time to time it doesn’t mean I’m gonna run out and buy you a friggin’ ring, okay?”
I grinned despite myself. “Well, that’s a relief.”
As irritating as it could be, Callahan was usually right on the money when it came to reading me.
“Are you hungry?” He kept his voice level. He knew I was in a fighting mood and he wasn’t going to play into my hands. He’d said his piece.
It’s the curse of the control freak. When all else seems lost, pick a fight with someone so you can regain some sort of control in your life, at least for the moment, and to hell with the consequences. Of course, we always feel like shit later. That’s beside the point.
“I’m going to get a shower,” I said. “Would you take Buddy out and feed him? The dry food’s in the pantry and there’s half a can of soft food in the cupboard. Just mix up a scoop of the dry with half of what’s in the can.”
He was staring at me blankly.
“Never mind. I’ll do it.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve got it. A scoop of dry with half of the can in the fridge.”
“Then why were you looking so confused?”
“I’m just wondering if you’re okay.”
“I don’t have time to not be okay, Cal. Please, just take out the dog.”
I was being short with him because if he started being all concerned for me, I’d break down again. I needed to hang on to the strength I’d found. There’d been some dark times in my life. When I’d broken down the night before, my mind had been the in darkest place I’d ever been. I didn’t want to re-visit that place anytime soon.
“Want me to make something?”
I sighed, getting up and scraping my fingernails through my hair. I had to step around Buddy who’d had just awoken and was regarding me with concerned eyes. I knelt down and cupped his head in my hands as I planted a kiss on the bridge of his nose.
“I guess I should eat something. There are eggs, ham and bread in the fridge. I can’t promise that any of them isn’t past their fresh date.”
He did a good job at not looking too disgusted. “Okay. I’ll check it out. If worse comes to worst, we’ll grab something out. There’s a diner down the road that isn’t half bad.”
“Fine.” I nodded, eyes closed. “Thanks.”
Having to make even the smallest decision at the moment was really irritating. My nerves felt as though somebody had sandpapered them and the few hours of sleep I’d gotten had done very little for my screaming muscles. Tension had infiltrated every muscle in my body. I was too damned tired to work them out with weights.
He was saying something to me as I was shutting the bathroom door. Whatever it was, it would have to wait. I needed to stand under a hot stream of water and wash the previous night’s activities off me.
I turned on the water and adjusted the showerhead to “massage”, and let the water run on my neck and shoulders. I closed my eyes for a moment but images of what we’d found at the shack and of what we’d done to Finn kept intruding into my thoughts. Relaxation was a pipe dream at the moment.
I scrubbed every part of my body until my skin was red and tingling, then shut the water off and began drying off. As I rubbed the thick towel over my face, I commanded myself to think. I had to think. Where was Woodard? He was all I needed to find Jesse. If I could find
Woodard, I could make him tell me where my brother was. I would make what we did to Finn look like he’d been tickled in comparison.
By the time I’d dried off and slipped into fresh jeans and plain, black t-shirt, I’d made a decision.
I didn’t have time to waste looking for Woodard. I’d have to make him come to me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
And as it turned out, he did. The phone rang just as I was coming down the stairs.
“Don’t touch it!” I yelled.
“Okay,” Cal said as I came into the living room, his hands up in front of him. He was standing right over the phone. “Thought I’d be helpful.”
I picked the receiver up on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, bitch.”
I’d grown to recognize the tone and dialogue as being specific to Woodard. Finn called me a bitch too, but well, he was no more. “You’re holding the cards, Woodard. What do you want?”
“I want you. You come without a fuss and I’ll let the kid go.”
“Fine.” I knew Woodard wouldn’t let Jesse go but this was my chance to get close enough to hurt him into making him tell me where Jesse was.
“You’ll be watched. So if you bring any of your friends with you I’ll pick them off one by one, then I’ll kill the kid before I kill you. Is that clear?”
“As glass. When and where?”
“After dark. The park behind Cherry Street. I’ll be waiting for you. We’re gonna have a little fun.”
“Can’t wait. I’m all about fun.”
The line went dead.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Callahan placed his coffee mug on the table in front of him.
I was leaning against the kitchen counter, steaming coffee mug hugged close to my chest. I’d managed to choke down a slice of toast and I was hoping it would stay down.
“Look, what choice do I have? The guy’s like a puff of smoke. He’s there one minute, gone the next. I can’t play around with Jesse’s life.”