Here I am, in a dark dive bar in a tiny city in Montana, with Ethan's arm around my waist. Mal and Joel are already at the bar, but Ethan and I are lingering by the jukebox.
I could easily tell him to move his arm. I could even use the little tact I have to do it.
But I don't want him moving his arm. I want his other arm around me. I want his lips on mine. I want his naked body pressed against mine, his cock driving deep inside me.
Ahem. I fiddle with my purse until I find change for the jukebox. There. I slide four quarters into the machine and pick the proper song. I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett.
Ethan laughs. "I'm taking that as a compliment."
"Take it however you want." I shift my hips in time with the beat. God, Ethan has such nice eyes. No matter what I do, I want to swim in them. No matter what I do, I want to make him smile.
He slides his arms around my waist and pulls my body against his. I hook my arms around his neck and dance like we're a clumsy couple at prom. Or like we're dancing at our wedding.
My heartbeat picks up. My breath quickens. Every fiber of my being wants to be here, dancing with Ethan at some random bar in some random town in Montana.
I don't care that I'm overdressed in my heeled boots and my miniskirt. I don't care that all twenty people in the bar are gawking at the dancing weirdos. Right now, I don't even care that falling for Ethan is going to break my heart.
Being with him feels so fucking good.
I rest my head against his chest. This isn't a slow song. We shouldn't be dancing like this. But that's another thing that doesn't bother me.
He holds me until the song stops. I can feel Mal and Joel's stares, but I can't bring myself to care. Let them stare. Let them gossip.
Ethan plants a deep, slow kiss on my lips. When he pulls back, he nods to the table. "Meet you there."
I nod back then I float to the table. Mal is still holding his usual poker face. Joel is amused.
He motions to the pitcher of beer on the table. "Want a glass?"
"No thanks. I hate beer." I slide onto the bench opposite Mal and Joel.
"You prefer acetone to barley?" Joel raises a brow.
"Yes, I do. How else could I change my nail polish once a week?" I show off my red nails.
My eyes go to Ethan. He's still standing at the bar. He always looks good, especially with his jeans snug around his perfect ass, his tattoos poking out from the v of his v-neck and the sleeves of his t-shirt, but there's something about him today… It must be my body fighting with my mind. My hands want to trace all his tattoos. Fuck, my tongue wants to trace all of those tattoos.
Joel is looking at me. I can feel his eyes on me even though my gaze is still on Ethan.
He gets our drinks and moves closer.
Then he's sitting next to me.
His body is warm and hard. And there's my drink, my vodka soda. I take a long sip and set it down.
I'm supposed to be sparring with Joel.
I'm supposed to be pulling back from my relationship with Ethan.
Fuck, I really am terrible at this.
Okay, need a second to think. I'm here as a wingwoman. I can do that.
The bar is mostly men. But there is a cute blond sitting by herself. I motion to her then to Joel. "What do you think?"
"You a pimp, Valentine?" he asks.
"I've never been a wingwoman before."
He laughs and shoots me a tell me something I don't know look.
Ethan laughs too. It's a damn, you're adorable laugh. It's an I think I'm falling in love with you laugh.
The flutter in my stomach turns to something ugly. I keep up my smile enough to push past Ethan. "Come on, Joel, let's do this."
Joel shakes his head but he still gets out of the booth.
He leans in to whisper in my ear. "You okay?"
I nod but from the expression in his grey-green eyes, I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe me.
Joel steps in front of me. "Follow my lead, okay?"
"Okay."
He shakes his head to say you're hopeless at this but he still moves forward. He goes up to the bar, one seat away from the blond, and he hails the bartender.
He looks back to me. "All right, sis, time to get you drunk enough you forget that bitch."
The blond makes an aww, poor girl face.
Okay, I'm Joel's sister apparently. And I'm forgetting some bitch. Oh—
"I know you wanted to marry her. But she never deserved you." He calls out to the bartender. "Two shots of whiskey."
"How about I get those?" The blond moves over. She offers me a look of solidarity. "My ex didn't even have the decency to get a hotel room. I caught him with his secretary."
I nod at her. What can I say about my fictional lesbian ex? My gaze drifts back to Ethan. He and Mal are watching us. Ethan looks charmed. Mal looks slightly irritated.
I'm supposed to be selling this story…
Uh…
The blond introduces herself to Joel.
Then he's introducing me and telling her an incredibly detailed, sordid story about my bitch of a cheating ex-girlfriend.
But I'm not paying attention to Joel's words. My eyes are locked with Ethan's and the way he's smiling is melting every bit of sense in my heart.
"Excuse me, ladies room," I say.
"You're not calling her, are you?" Joel asks, still in character.
"Of course not." I ignore my whiskey shot and spin on my heels.
"You sure you're okay, Violet?" Joel's breaking character.
"I will be." Maybe. One day. I walk away before anyone else can ask about it.
The women's bathroom is right around the corner. It's a small, two-stall restroom and it's mercifully empty. I catch my reflection as I pace. The dark makeup does wonders to hide my anxiety.
Okay, I'm not calling my fictional ex. I'm not calling my real ex, either. But I am calling Athena.
She answers right away. "You are alive."
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you," I mumble.
"Mhmm."
"I'll do the dishes for a week."
Her voice brightens. "I'm listening."
"How is everything at home?"
She makes a noise that means terrible. "You know my sister. She borrowed my dress, I got pissed, all of a sudden we're calling each other names. It wasn't about the dress but… I'm back in the apartment."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Sweetie, I know you didn't call me after four days of radio silence to ask me about my sister." Athena's voice is a mix of take-no-shit and caring. "What happened?"
I run my fingertip over the back of my phone. "That's a complicated question."
"That's a bullshit answer." She clears her throat. "If you don't want to talk, I have books to read. Smutty books."
"Promise you won't be mad I haven't told you this yet."
Her voice takes on a serious tone. "I don't make promises I can't keep."
"I'm with Ethan."
"Ethan as in your rock star ex-boyfriend Ethan? As in the guy you've been pining over for the last two years Ethan?"
"I have not."
"Yeah, you barely even looked at Mr. Boring. The whole time, you were thinking about Ethan."
"Denny was nice."
She scoffs.
I can't exactly argue. Denny was nice but that was it.
I take a deep breath and I give Athena the short version of events. Mal offered me a job, I took it, Ethan and I decided to sleep together, just sex. Athena uh-huhs and yeah rights at all the appropriate places.
The woman sees through me like I'm made out of glass.
"I'm not going to give you hell about holding a candle for a guy who is hot, rich, and famous and… hot. God, he's so hot in pictures. Is he really that hot?" she asks.
"Yeah."
"Good in bed?"
"You have no idea."
"I have a lot of ideas, but sharing them would be weird." She laughs. "I'd hate you if I didn't love you
."
"I'm starting to freak out." I take a deep breath, but that only helps so much. "I don't want to use the l-word but—"
"Violet, you're twenty-three."
"Yes."
"You can say you love a guy."
I clear my throat.
"Go talk to him."
"But—"
"Like you're about to finish grad school or something."
"But—"
She gets stern. "Not like you're about to finish high school."
"You know, one day, you're going to care about someone, and it's going to drive you crazy, and you're going to feel like an asshole for giving me this shit."
"Yeah, but you're so sweet, you'll console me anyway."
"I hate you." Mostly for being right.
"I hate you too. Now go talk to him. And at least text me in the morning so I know you're alive."
She's right.
After I agree to take her advice, we say our goodbyes, and I slide my phone back into my purse.
Talking to Ethan sounds reasonable and easy, but contemplating the matter is making my stomach twist.
I take a few deep breaths and march back to the bar.
Joel is back at the table, chatting with Mal and Ethan. They look friendly. Well, not exactly friendly. They're more like family. They fight, they make up, they fight some more.
Ethan spots me and smiles. Immediately, I feel warm all over. I'm not sure how I manage to get back to the table without melting, but I do.
I slide into the seat next to Ethan.
Mal turns to me. His expression gets parental. "We need to talk."
"In front of Violet?" Joel nods to me. "No offense, Valentine."
"What happened to the blond?" I ask.
"You think I'm about to abandon my heartbroken sister?" he asks, but from his tone of voice, it's clear he's worried about me.
Mal continues. "This involves all of us."
"It's really none of my business." I drink until my face is warm. I do not want to be a part of this conversation.
From the way Mal is staring, I'm not getting the feeling it's a choice.
Mal looks to Joel. "Six months ago, twenty grand went missing from the band's account. One week after Kit got out of rehab, the money was replaced."
Joel's eyes flare with frustration.
Mal stares.
"Bullshit," Joel says."
It's the most likely scenario," Mal says.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Mal says nothing.
"You have proof?" Joel asks.
Mal holds steady. "Not yet." He looks to me like he's expecting me to explain.
Under the table, Ethan squeezes my hand.
"I… I didn't say it was Kit. I just saw that the money went missing. It was in a few withdrawals, small enough to avoid attention. It came back the same way. I had no idea who took it, if it even was one of you, and Mal didn't tell me. So don't pin this on me." I press my palm against Ethan's.
Anger creeps over Joel's face as he turns to Mal. "Kit and I may not be blood, but he's my family as much as Ethan is yours. He wouldn't fuck me over."
Mal ignores his claims. "We need to discuss what we're going to do."
"Oh, it's not The King's orders? You're actually going to treat this band like a fucking democracy?"
Mal says nothing.
"Fuck you, Malcolm." Joel pushes himself up. He takes a step backwards. "Sorry you got dragged into this bullshit, Valentine. If my date asks where I went, make up something entertaining. I can't stand to be in the same fucking city as this asshole."
"Where are you going?" My voice is meek. I'm not good with conflict, not when I have to stick around.
"I'll be at the show in Chicago. Until then." He nods goodbye to me and to Ethan, then he turns and hightails it out of the bar.
Ethan and Mal stay planted in their seats. Neither one of them is going after him. Is that good sense to let Joel cool off, is it cowardice, is it something else entirely?
I don't know and I don't feel right being part of this conversation. It's like I'm a member of the family. Like everyone expects me to stick around. Like everyone expects me and Ethan to be together forever.
That isn't going to happen.
Fuck, I'm so fucking bad at this whole pulling back thing. I need to move. Now.
"Excuse me." With my next swig, I finish my drink. "This isn't any of my business. I'll leave you two to talk about it. Alone."
Ethan's blue eyes meet mine. He strokes the space between my thumb and forefinger with his thumb. "Stay."
I shake my head. I have about one minute of calm left in me. I'm terrified of the intensity of my feelings for him. "It's really none of my business. You two should work it out." Thankfully, this is a wide booth. I barely manage to squeeze past Ethan. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah, later." Mal nods goodbye before Ethan has a chance to respond.
If I look into Ethan's eyes, I'm going to stay. I'm going to melt and do whatever it takes to make him smile.
Deep breath.
As quickly as I can, I turn and make my way to the exit.
Chapter 25
Violet
The hotel is around the corner from the bar, but I don't want to be there. After spending twelve hours on a bus, I want to be outside.
I take in the quiet conversations as I walk. There's a family celebrating a birthday at a diner. There are two women at a coffee shop, trading gossip over oversized mugs of tea. There's another bar with country music blaring.
The empty grass field just past the church calls my name. Even though it's freezing, I lay on my back and stare up at the dark sky. The silver moon hangs low. The stars shine bright. There are so many stars, more than I've ever seen before.
In New York, there's so much light pollution that I can't see the stars. Here, they're bright and brilliant. I catch a shooting star, press my eyelids together, and wish for clarity.
It's quiet here. The only sound is the breeze rustling the grass and the roar of a TV across the street. Every few minutes, I can hear footsteps or a passing car.
There are footsteps now. And they're getting louder, getting closer.
I don't have to look up to know that's Ethan. I can feel it in the way the air gets sharp and electric.
He lays on the ground next to me. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You're avoiding me, aren't you?"
Yes, but I'm not ready to admit it. "Did you and Mal talk?"
"Not really. There's no talking sense to Mal. He's wants to protect the band."
"And you."
"Yeah." Ethan runs his fingers over the back of my hand. "Big brother thing, I guess."
"Yeah." I soak in the warmth of Ethan's touch. It feels good, just being near him. I want more of him, more of this. "Do you think Kit took the money?"
"Maybe. He wasn't a good version of himself when he was using."
"Oh." I press my lips together. "Is it going to be okay, the band?"
"It will be."
"Good. I… I'm glad. You're really good in it. And you're really good together."
His touch gets harder. "Why are you avoiding me, Vi?"
I turn enough to look into Ethan's eyes. His expression is demanding.
I'm hurting him.
My inhale is sharp. My exhale is heavy. Shit. I can't dodge this conversation anymore. Not with the feelings stirring in my stomach. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"I'm falling in love with you again."
"That doesn't have to be a problem."
I shake my head. I wish that was true, but it's not.
"It doesn't."
I keep my eyes on the shining stars. "You broke my heart, Ethan. I was ecstatic when I got into the master's program. That was the first happiness I'd felt in months. The only thing I wanted to do was share it with you." My throat is sore, but I need to get this out. "It was supposed to be our happiness, but you looked at my acceptance letter like it was radioactive
. I don't know why… All I can figure out is that my dreams never mattered to you."
He slides his hand around my neck. His palm cups the back of my head. Gently, he tilts my head until we're eye to eye. "That wasn't it."
My gaze goes to the grass. "Then what was it?"
"I shouldn't have dared you to leave. Fuck, Vi, the only thing I regret in my entire life is letting you walk away."
"But…"
"I'm not losing you again."
"But, I… I don't understand."
"I was an ass that day. I should have called, should have apologized. I thought about doing it a million times, but I couldn't forgive you for locking me out after Asher died. It was like our three years together meant nothing. It was like you were throwing away all the trust and intimacy we shared. All I wanted to do was hold you and promise everything would be okay. All I wanted to do was take care of you—"
"Why didn't you?"
"I tried. I tried a million times, but you kept pulling away. You kept dodging my calls and making excuses not to see me. And when you did see me, it was like you weren't there. No matter what I did, you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me help. It was like you were done with me."
I shake my head. "No, I wanted you to be there. I felt so empty."
"I know, Vi. I was stupid then. I didn't get that grief was swallowing you whole. I didn't get that you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. It took me a long time to figure that out. By the time I did, I couldn't forgive myself for all that time I sat there watching you hurt."
I soak in the warmth of his skin.
"I tried to convince myself I didn't want you anymore. Tried to forget you." He presses his forehead to mine. "I'll never be able to forget you. I'll never want anyone the way I want you."
"Ethan…"
He leans closer. "I want to fix this."
"I don't know how to do that."
"Me either. But I'm willing to try."
I take a deep breath and look into Ethan's eyes. "What happens if I need you like that again."
"Then I'll be there. I would have waited for you to finish grieving. If you'd asked, I would have waited forever."
I slide my hands under his t-shirt. He's warm and hard and my hands want more of his skin. "What if I ask now?"
Dangerous Kiss (Dangerous Noise Book 1) Page 17