by T M Edwards
Soon the buildings grew more frequent, and Sam pulled the van into a small grocery store with a yellow sign. “Okay, water, any other bottled drinks,” he called back to us. “Grab any other food you see, too.” He was sharp and businesslike, as if we were his soldiers with him on a mission. Alan and Anna climbed out of the van, and I followed more slowly with my cane.
“I’ll race you!” Zena called over her shoulder as she grabbed a cart and ran inside through the open doors. I couldn’t tell if she was talking to me or Sam. I tossed my cane into a cart and leaned heavily on it as I pushed it into the dim interior of the store. Alan and Anna both were moving slowly, looking like they were afraid a zombie or monster was going to grab them at any second. I had to squash the sympathy I felt for them, and try to focus on our task. The town was creepy in its eerie silence, and my skin crawled as I passed from sunlight into gloom. I had to fight the urge to run back out. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it must be for Alan and Anna.
As it turned out, walking through this store with a cart was no easy task. People had obviously been here before us, and had strewn items all over the floors. The aisles were covered in anything and everything from trampled bags of chips, to lampshades and sandals. There was no interior light, so all illumination came from the front doorway. It threw all of the aisles into deep shadow. The stench from ice cream and lunch meat that had spoiled was enough to make me gag.
I found two bottles of water, and several 2-liter bottles of soda. At the end of one aisle I found Alan, staring blankly at a wall of paper towels and toilet paper.
“Hey. You okay?”
The large man nearly jumped out of his skin, which made me leap back in surprise, and trip over my own feet until I crashed to the floor with the cart on top of me. I yelped in pain as the metal pressed down on me.
“Deidre? What’s wrong?” I heard Sam yell, and then a flurry of motion as he came running through the store. “Alan, what did you do?”
“I...I, I didn’t…” Sam brushed past the stammering man to pull the cart off of me. “Deidre? What happened?”
I dashed away the tears of pain from my throbbing ankle, and let Sam pull me to my feet. “I’m fine. I startled Alan and he scared me. I tripped. It wasn’t his fault.”
Sam’s hair had fallen forward into his eyes, and I suddenly wanted to reach out and push it back as he glared at Alan. “I know it’s rough, but you gotta suck it up,” he said harshly to the larger man. “Stop standing here, and go look for water!”
I could have sworn I saw tears in Alan’s eyes as he turned and began to walk away with his shoulders slumped. He looked like a giant puppy that had just been kicked.
“Sam,” I made him look at me as he helped steady me. “It’s not his fault.”
“They agreed to come, Deidre. They knew what would happen. We need them to focus.”
“I know.” Sam pulled the cart toward me so that I could lean on it, and knelt down to gather up the fallen drinks. “But Sam, knowing what’s going to happen and actually feeling it are different. You know that.”
Sam sighed and leaned his forehead against the side of the cart. “I know.”
“This isn’t easy for any of us, so let’s just try to get through today without killing each other.”
He pushed himself to his feet. “I’ll do my best.” With an attempt at a tired smile, he turned and walked off through the debris, leaving me alone.
I leaned heavily on the cart handle and rested my head on my forearms. My ankle was still throbbing badly. I didn’t want to keep looking for water. I wanted to leave this minefield of junk, and go back out into the sunlight. Things never seemed quite so frightening in daylight.
But there were people depending on us, so onward must go the mission. I slogged through the things on the floor, scanning in the gloom for any bottles of drinkable liquid.
A few moments later, we had determined that there was nothing more to be found in this store. So back into the van we all went with our meager gatherings, and Sam backed out of the parking space.
The rest of the day was much the same. Anna and Alan, bless their hearts, were increasingly useless as the day went on. By the fifth store, we left them in the van while just me, Zena and Sam entered. This one was by far the largest. Large enough to have fast-food restaurants and a nail salon inside.
I fell behind as Zena and Sam walked, until Sam noticed and motioned for her to go on ahead, while he fell back to join me.
“You okay?”
I nodded, but it was a lie.
“You’re pale.”
“I’m always pale,” I snapped, not meaning for it to come out so harsh. Ahead of us in the gloom I could see that the produce section was festering with rotted fruits and vegetables, and there was trash and debris slung all over the floors here, too. Why were people such pigs?
“Deidre.” Sam caught my arm and forced me to stop. “What is it?”
I tried to shake him off, but I was unsteady with just my cane. “My leg just hurts. I’m fine.”
He directed me over to a metal bench. I sank down onto it gratefully, even though I was reluctant to sit. I was afraid I wouldn’t have the mental strength to force myself to my feet again. “Stay here,” Sam ordered. “I’ll bring a cart.”
And so he did. A moment later, I looked up at the sound of rattling wheels to see Sam pushing one of those carts with the big blue child seats, a huge grin on his face.
I shook my head in amusement at him as he stopped the cart in front of me. “No way.”
“Oh, come on. You can rest your foot, and help me look out for stuff.”
“Sam…”
But he grabbed my arm and was tugging me toward the cart. “Come on, Deidre. Stop arguing. This way I don’t have to worry about you the whole time.”
The thought of Sam worrying about me startled me enough that I allowed myself to be persuaded to climb into the little blue seat, even though the edges of it dug painfully into my hips. I saw the sticker on the handlebar. “Sam,” I protested, “the weight limit…”
“Who’s going to see us?” the wheels of the cart chittered madly as Sam pushed it down the row of cash registers and toward the food. “I don’t see any security officers, do you? Just relax.”
“But what if it collapses…”
“It won’t.”
“Know that from personal experience, do you?” I asked wryly.
“No comment.”
I snorted, then held my nose as we passed the produce and meat sections, headed toward the aisles that normally held the drinks. Most of the shelves had been stripped of all food that was easy to carry and eat, even the things like dried pasta.
“Hey, guys!” Zena called from further down. “Hurry up! I found water!”
Sam pushed the cart even faster, until we reached the drinks aisle. Zena was right, albeit somewhat overenthusiastic. Most of what was left was some cases of 1 liter bottles, which were fine, except it was going to be a pain to add them to the tank one at a time. I’d been hoping for gallon jugs, but most of those were gone.
We added water until the carts could hold no more, and then I sat back in the child seat as Zena and Sam pushed it all toward the front doors. Zena giggled at the sight of me sitting in the kid seat, but her cart was too heavy for her to have the breath to tease me about it for long. Sweat was shining on her dark skin by the time we reached the van, which was parked right in front of the doors.
Zena reached out and slid the door open, then grabbed a flat of water bottles and swung them into the van. “Hey! Where’s Anna?”
Sam ran to look inside, “Damn it.” I watched him climb into the van and shake Alan by the shoulders. Alan just sat there, almost comatose, staring ahead. “Alan, what happened? Where did Anna go?”
I couldn’t hear the response, just Sam’s even louder curse, and the thud as he kicked something out of the way to climb out of the van. “Hurry up and get this water in here. We have to look for her before she ends up hurting herse
lf.”
I lowered myself gingerly to the ground and grabbed my cane. At least I could stand on one leg and swing back and forth to transfer water from cart to vehicle. The three of us emptied the carts as fast as we could, then Zena got into the front seat and I limped around to the emptier space on the other side of the van.
Sam threw the van into drive, and pushed the accelerator down so hard that the tires squealed. “Help me look!” he demanded, and I got up on my knees to watch out the window, holding on for dear life to the handle near the top of the door.
“Sam, we’ll never find her if we crash!” I pleaded. Sam didn’t respond, but he did slow down. He drove in an ever-widening radius around the store, through alleys and on deserted streets, over scattered trash and around deserted cars. I fought down an increasing sense of panic as it sank in just how empty this city was.
After nearly half an hour of searching, with absolutely no sign of Anna, Sam slowed the van into park and smacked the steering wheel with his palms. He grabbed it and lowered his forehead to his arms, breathing heavily.
“Sam?” he did not respond when I called to him hesitantly. “Sam, we have to keep going. Anna chose to leave. We’ll never find her if she doesn’t want to be found.” Who are you, and what the hell happened to your humanity?
We can’t save her. We can still save everyone else.
Ignoring both inner voices, I pushed myself painfully to my feet, and while crouching so as not to bash my head on the ceiling, limped to the front of the van. Zena met my eyes, and I saw the tear tracks on her face.
“She’s gone,” the girl whispered. “She’s dead, and it’s our fault.”
Sam groaned. I ignored him for the moment. “It’s not. Anna knew the choice she was making. We don’t know that she’s dead. But if we don’t bring back water, soon everyone in the bunker will be dead. Even if they figure out how to stop the spores, it will still take time to rebuild.”
I turned to Sam, and tried to put my hand on his shoulder, but he flinched and pulled away. “Sam, look at me!” I demanded. He lifted his head and looked at me with eyes that were rimmed with red. “The mission...can’t leave behind…”
I realized with a sick feeling that he was once again caught up in the waking nightmare that came from a situation which reminded him of his trauma.
“Sam, do you know who I am?”
A nod.
“Okay. You know where we are?”
He nodded again, then turned to look out the windshield at the street.
“Good. Sam, you aren’t leaving her behind. She chose to go.”
“She was frightened.”
“I know, but…”
“You said…”
“I know what I said!” I snapped. Anger,anxiety, and fear were all pushing at me, and it was getting more and more difficult to keep them contained. “I know she was scared, but she still made her choice. We can’t keep searching. We’ll run out of gas, and the bunker will never get the water. We have to keep going.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin when Alan burst into tears behind me, and ripped off his mask.
“Alan, no!” Zena cried, but the man was too big and too strong for either of us to try and force it back onto him. He was now breathing the spores in their full strength, and none of us knew what effect that would have.
Cursing as loudly and imaginatively as I could manage, I climbed to the sliding door and threw it open, then yanked Sam’s door toward me, and grabbed the back of his shirt. “Out!” I screamed at him. “Get out!”
Even in my half-panicked state, I was surprised when he obeyed. I pushed him into the back compartment of the van and slid the door closed, then climbed into the driver’s seat.
Slamming the van into drive, I made a three-point turn and pushed the accelerator down to take us back the way we had come. I prayed desperately to anyone who might be listening to help me not forget the way we had come.
“Alan, stop it!” I yelled at him. The man was trying to rid himself of all his protective gear, and was doing it so violently that he was shaking the van and his nails were leaving bloody streaks on his arms.
“Sam, help him!”
As if my words broke him out of his fugue, Sam moved to Alan and tried to restrain his arms. In the rearview mirror I saw Alan haul back and punch Sam in the jaw, and the smaller man crumpled to the floor.
“Sam!” Zena unbuckled her seatbelt and started to get out of her seat, but I threw my arm out to stop her.
“Don’t. I don’t need you getting hurt, too.”
“But Sam…”
The van lurched as I tried to push her back into her seat, and I had to grab the wheel with both hands. “You can’t help him now. We just have to get back to the bunker. Please,” I begged, hating how I was ordering everyone around. “Please don’t go back there.” To my relief, Zena slumped back into her seat.
The van roared through the empty streets, until taller buildings became shorter ones, and businesses became homes. The sun was only midway through the afternoon, but we had to get back. Before Alan killed himself, or someone else.
Thud. Thud. I looked back in the mirror to see Alan was hitting the back of his head against the side of the van. Each impact reverberated through the metal. The images of that young man in the hospital, what seemed like half a lifetime ago, flashed through my mind.
“Alan, stop it! Please!” I begged him, but he was beyond hearing. So I pushed the accelerator down even farther, praying and pleading for the van to hold together, for us to not crash, for us to make it back before Alan was beyond saving.
Thud. Thud. Blood was running down his face now, leaving streaks that disappeared into his beard, like he was some Viking coming out of battle. My stomach twisted and tears burned behind my eyes, and I fought both sensations as the van shuddered onto the dirt road. Soon, I could see the hill behind which stood the bunker.
After a few more moments of sickening anxiety, with the van rattling as if it would shake apart, the bunker came into view. I drove onto the concrete pad and threw myself from the van, nearly forgetting my broken ankle as I stumbled to the door and pounded on it.
“Help! Help us!” I screamed at the unyielding metal, pounding it so hard that the skin on my hands tore and began to bleed. I heard footsteps thundering up the ramp and stumbled backward so that they could open the door.
Dr. Haroun, and several other people I knew only by their faces, emerged into the sunlight. I pointed at the van. “Help them,” I gasped, and then staggered to the edge of the edge of the concrete, where I collapsed onto my hands and knees in the dirt, unable to watch. I could hear what sounded like a fight, and then someone called for a gurney. I listened, with my eyes screwed shut and my heart in my throat, as wheels clattered up the ramp, and either Alan or Sam was loaded onto it. From the way people were struggling, it had to be Alan.
When I finally picked up the courage to look, I found that Zena was standing near me as if she had followed me, but she was facing those who were now pulling Sam’s arms over their shoulders and supporting him toward the door.
As I watched, Zena buried her face in her hands, and her shoulders were shaking. She sank to her knees on the concrete, and I felt compelled to crawl over to her and comfort her. I did not know how she would respond to me. I knew that touch was not something she appreciated in the same way many people did.
When I reached her, she buried her face in my lap and wrapped her arms around my waist, and sobbed like her heart would break. Even through my own emotion, I recognized the trust that she was putting in me. Her parents, even her sister, none of them were people she could trust. But here she was, crying on my sweatpants, snot seeping into the fabric, and I felt honored for it.
I sat there, with the pain in my ankle rapidly increasing from the way it was positioned, as my own emotion receded in the face of a child that needed me, a child who had lost everything, and now been subjected to a sight that would traumatize even the most stoic of adults. I held her,
remembering how Sam had held me when I felt like I would fly into a million pieces. I knew what it felt like to see the world as giant and cold and seemingly without any shelter. Maybe I couldn’t fix Zena’s world, but for this moment, I could be the shelter that she so desperately needed.
The chaos melted away, and the rest of the people disappeared into the bunker, and I was left alone, my arms around the girl who sobbed wordlessly. I wondered if the image of Alan with blood streaming down his face was hovering in her mind, just like it refused to leave mine.
Day 54
I woke up on the floor of a shower stall, and for a moment I had absolutely no idea how I had gotten there. I was completely without clothing except for the bandage on my ankle, which stuck out into the bench compartment. Except for the little LED lights that bordered the place where the walls met the floor of the walkway, it was dark. I had to push the shower curtain aside to be able to see anything.