by Heidi Perks
I close my eyes and when I open them she’s watching me, waiting, and I know what I need to say goes something like this: Bonnie, you were right. You weren’t Iona’s sister but our parents still did something awful. They bought you when you were a baby, from your mother who lived in the slums. They brought you up like you were their own and you were, you were as much a part of the family as Danny and I have ever been.
Then I picture her face falling in slow motion.
Blood is thicker than water. I can almost hear her words ringing through my ears.
I will lose her. I know that without doubt. If there are no blood ties between us I will lose my sister forever.
And I can’t. I can’t do that. I won’t survive it.
Her eyes trail down my cheeks and I wipe them with my palms.
She leans forward, her face set, and I can see how angry she is. ‘Will you just tell me,’ she says, her eyes flaring wide as her fist slams down on the counter.
‘I know you’ve been drinking again,’ I blurt. ‘I don’t want to go through this again.’ It’s a risky move and there are only little things that make me think she has been, like the strong scent of perfume to mask the smell of alcohol and the fact she didn’t answer when I told her there was nothing stronger to drink.
Bonnie flinches as she sits back, arms crossed in front of her chest, and I know I’m right.
‘That’s it?’ she snaps.
‘Yes. That’s it.’
Can I live with a lie? Do I have the strength Mum did?
‘That’s it,’ I say again, ‘and I’m sorry, but you need to hear this. If you’re not careful you’ll lose Luke and the boys and—’
‘Okay.’ She is holding her hands up. ‘Okay,’ she adds a little more gently. My heart continues to pound, echoing through my ears. ‘I know all that. I know. I just – I’ll get help. Again,’ she says. ‘With everything that’s been going on—’
‘It’s no excuse,’ I say firmly, and I feel harsh doing so but it’s what I would have said if this is what I’d been building up to.
I sit back too, my arms aching to pull her in and hold her against me. Bonnie bites her lips and eventually looks away, and I hope that if her drinking is the hardest thing we have to deal with, we’ll be alright.
Yes, I decide, I can live with a lie, because the alternative is unbearable. I’ll spend the rest of my life having to trust Bob and Annie, just like my mum did, but I will do it because I won’t lose my sister. I have lost too much already.
And I’ll live with it hanging over me forever, because that’s the trouble with secrets. They never go away.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book has been inspired by own my childhood memories, which may sound odd given that I didn’t live on an island and there were thankfully no dead bodies in our garden… But through Stella I was able to relive my own past, and the many happy times I had. For this I have my mum to thank. She taught me that a happy child doesn’t need money – they need love, support and security. So, for my mum – Jo Welch – thank you for giving me all of this in abundance.
Writing is definitely a team effort and I feel incredibly lucky to be surrounded by the best, starting with my fantastic agent, Nelle Andrew. You are a star and I am so grateful to have you on my side. I could not have done any of this without you.
Emily Griffin, I could not ask for a better editor to work with and I’m so thrilled I get the chance to write more books with you. The entire team at Century and Arrow have made what is already an exciting journey even better. I am grateful to each and every one of you, and I would like to pay particular thanks to: Natalia Cacciatore, Rachel Kennedy, Claire Simmonds, Amber Bennett-Ford, Jess Ballance, Linda Hodgson and Emma Grey Gelder.
Chris Bradford, for all the times I’ve picked your brains and called you with odd questions – thank you. I am still in awe of your knowledge and hope you won’t mind me continuing to bother you with plenty more queries as I write.
Similarly, Phillipa Shawyer, thank you for your medical input – especially when I rap on your window in a dark car park to ask you about drugs!
Writing can be a lonely business but, Melissa Carr, our coffee-shop sessions are always great fun – though possibly I don’t get as much done when there are too many other things to talk about!
And, Lou Gill, I promised I’d get you in here. Thank you for all the wonderful inspiration you have given me with your weird stories that often end with: ‘hasn’t everyone done that?’ (The answer is no – they haven’t!)
For my friends, Lisa and Susie, who seem proud to call themselves stalkers – what lovely ones you are! And to all the other gorgeous senoritas: Lara, Cris, Olga, Lou, Alia and Jen. Here’s looking forward to a pool shot with this book!
To my friends, Debs, Lucy and Donna, who read early copies and continue to be amazingly supportive – thank you for being almost as excited as I am.
To my wonderful family who enable me to do what I love, and to my husband, John, without whom I’d probably never have started writing. You never stop believing in me. Thank you for checking in daily on rankings and reviews, for your constant support, encouragement and love, and for all the laughs along the way. You’re amazing.
And finally, to my two gorgeous children, Bethany and Joseph. Being your mum is the most precious gift. I hope I have shown you that, if you never give up, you can achieve your dreams. I love you most. No returns.
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This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Published by Century 2019
Copyright © Heidi Perks, 2019
Images © Trevillion
Woman image © Silas Manhood
Heidi Perks has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.
First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Cornerstone
Century
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London, SW1V 2SA
www.penguin.co.uk
Century is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781473556799