by Daria Wright
When she finally got the chance to read the note it was almost disappointing in its brevity and tone. It simply requested whether she could meet him at midnight at the church gardens. There was no doubt in her mind that she would meet him, but the rest of the day was spent stressing about why he wanted to meet her in secret, in the dead of the night. She read and re-read the note over and over again until she had it memorized, trying to get some clue about what he wanted to see her for. At one point, she was convinced he knew about the baby and she decided it would be best to stay away from him, but deep down she knew that nothing could keep her away from him. She had missed him too much and seeing him at church earlier that day had re-ignited all sorts of uncomfortable emotions she had kept bottled up for the past few months. She picked at her dinner and pleaded a headache to Amanda and her father to slip away to her bedroom.
By the time Amanda headed up for bed around 10 o’clock, Rosalie was pretending to be fast asleep, curled up in a ball under the duvet, fully dressed. By 10:30pm the house had settled for the night; by 11:00pm she knew both her father and sister were gone for the night. Twenty minutes before the clock struck midnight, she slipped out of bed and tiptoed her way up the hall and down the short flight of stairs. At the front door she held her breath and listened closely to make sure nobody had gotten up. Once she was sure she hadn’t disturbed anyone she slipped outside and made her way down the few blocks towards the church.
She met him in the grove beyond the church gardens where they all used to play as children. At first she couldn’t be sure if he was there, but when he heard the sound of her footsteps crunching softly across the grass, he called out her name softly. She tried not to feel excited at the thought he was standing just a few feet away, but a smile involuntarily creased her face at the sound of his voice and her started pounding furiously. Her hand travelled down to her stomach and she unconsciously rubbed the small, inconspicuous bump as if to tell the baby they were in the presence of its father. Rosalie realized it was the first time she had allowed herself to feel any kind of connection with the child growing inside.
“Jake?” she called back into the darkness.
A beam of light from a small flashlight flashed a few steps ahead of her.
“I’m here, Rosalie.”
She followed the trail of light and found herself face to face with him. Neither one said a word; both seemed nervous to break the silence. There was something sacred about their meeting in the woods, in the middle of the night, darkness embracing them all around, their faces bathed in a soft warm glow from the beam of the flashlight. As Rosalie lost herself in Jake’s eyes she finally acknowledged to herself the truth she had been fighting so hard to deny… She was in love with Jake and had missed him every second of every day since they had parted that day at Penn Station three months ago. And now…. Mow here he was again, standing so close she could feel his warm breath tickling her nose. So close she could reach up and kiss him on the lips, wrap her finger around a lock of his hair curling around the nape of his neck. He felt and looked so familiar it made her heart ache and she longed to close the distance between them and give herself to him. Some of what she was feeling must have been reflected in her eyes or Jake was feeling the same things, because he took a step forward, and then another, and another until he had completely closed the distance between them. His arms snaked around her body and held her close.
Rosalie knew this may not be smartest decision but she didn’t care. All she knew in that moment was that she wanted to be held by the man she loved.
“Oh, Jake.”
Jake kissed the top of her head before kissing her firmly on the lips.
“I’ve missed you,” he said after a few minutes.
“I’ve missed you too.”
“Thank you for meeting me like this…I didn’t know how else to get you alone and I couldn’t imagine having a real conversation with you with everyone watching.” Jake explained. “And I don’t suppose your father likes me any more than he used to,” he added dryly.
“No,” Rosalie admitted reluctantly, “no he really doesn’t. You know how important the community is to him and he’s very disapproving whenever anyone chooses to not return and I think with you he took it very personally given how fond he was of you.”
Jake sighed. He had been very fond of Alistair too.
Tampa “I know…but I couldn’t have spent the rest of my life here Rosalie, I had to get out. I don’t believe in the Amish teachings… At least not all of them and to live under them would have felt dishonest and hypocritical. I couldn’t live a lie for the rest of my life.”
“I know…” Rosalie said soothingly, “I’m not blaming you.” And she really didn’t. She would never admit this to anyone but deep down she knew how Jake had felt because ever since Rumspringa she had felt unsettled and at odds with her life too. Having had her eyes opened to the world beyond had made her realize how limited her own upbringing was. There were things about the Amish life she loved and would cherish forever but she didn’t think it would be enough to satisfy her for the next twenty, thirty years. But unlike Jake she wasn’t brave enough to break with tradition or go against her father’s wishes. Nor was she ready to turn her back on her life and branch out on her own. So she kept her mouth shut and tried to be content. And now with the baby she didn’t think she had much of a choice.
Since getting Jake’s note at church that morning she had been wrestling internally on whether she should tell him about the baby or not. Amanda had made it clear weeks ago the baby’s father deserved to know and a part of her had wanted to believe Jake had come back for good. But that was obviously not the case. He hated this life just as much as ever and she could tell from the desperation she detected in his voice that he couldn’t wait to get out of here again.
“How long are you staying for?” she asked him.
“I don’t know…I wish I could say as few days as possible but –” a bitter laugh escaped his lips – “that would mean my mother…”
Rosalie squeezed his hands reassuringly.
“It was good of you to come back.”
“No, it wasn’t. It’s the least I can do…I’ve failed her in every other way as a son. I’m going to stay for as long as I need to.”
A small flicker of panic fluttered within Rosalie. She didn’t know if she would be capable of lying to him for an extended period of time. But the idea of having him around nearby for the foreseeable future made her feel happy.
“You’re not a failure as a son, Jake,” she said, “She must be very happy you’re here. How is she doing?”
“She’s very changed and I don’t think she has much longer but we’ll see.”
“And your father?” She broached the topic tentatively, knowing it was a sensitive topic.
“The same.” He said briefly, “Hasn’t said two words to me. Anyways, that’s enough about me. I asked to meet you because I wanted to know how you were doing. And to make sure you were alright. After everything that happened in New York…. And I know your father is probably expecting you to settle down now but the men here…I don’t think they’re as open minded as…”
“Jake…I’m fine.” Rosalie said. She knew this was the time to make her confession but she couldn’t get herself to say the words. In one sentence she would topple his life upside down and derail it completely and she couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that so she repeated again,
“I’m fine. Everything is good. I’m sure I’ll settle down soon.”
She waited, hoping for him to say he wanted to marry her but instead he patted her hand.
“Okay good. I would hate it if I was the cause of any misery or unhappiness in your life. I shouldn’t have allowed things to get so out of hand in New York.”
“I was equally to blame,” Rosalie said softly. She swallowed the lump of disappointment caught in her throat and chided herself for expecting something more out of him. He had never promised her anything more than their casual fling and
yet she had been silly enough to fall in love with him.
Remembering the intimate moments, they had shared suddenly made Rosalie feel uncomfortable and very aware of their proximity. As much as she had enjoyed their kiss she knew anything else would be a mistake given her feelings and his apparent lack of them. She took a step back and cleared her throat.
“I should head back home before someone discovers I’m gone.”
“Of course. I’ll walk you back.”
“No don’t, if someone happened to see us it would cause an uproar.”
Jake agreed reluctantly, knowing she was right. “Alright…” He pulled her over and wrapped her in a tight hug.
“It’s good to see you again,” he said thinking how wonderful it felt to hold her again and how relieved he was that she wasn’t spoken for to anyone yet. There were so many other things he wanted to say to her, had been planning to say to her but he didn’t know how to. “I’m sorry for kissing you earlier.” He added gruffly. “I just couldn’t help it.”
Rosalie laughed and patted him on the back.
“It was good to see you again too. I’ll see you around hopefully. I would ask you to come by the house but with Father…”
Jake laughed wryly,
“I don’t think that would be a good idea anyways but thanks for asking.” He thrust the flashlight he was holding in her hands.
“To help you back home. Flash it twice at your window so I know you got home safe please?”
Rosalie grinned at him and shined the flashlight in his face teasingly. “You know this place is safer than a locked apartment in the city right?”
“I know I know…but,” he shrugged, “just do it okay?”
Rosalie made her way back home, nimbly hurrying down the familiar pathways. She slipped in through the front door, which was always left unlocked. Nobody in their community ever locked doors or windows and softly crept up to her bedroom hoping Amanda was sound asleep. As Jake had requested she stood at her window, aimed the flashlight in the direction of the church and flashed it twice. Once she had turned it off, she blew a kiss in his direction knowing he couldn’t see her and whispered into the night, “I love you.”
CHAPTER EIGHT:
The next few weeks flew by so quickly that before she knew it Rosalie was into her sixth month of pregnancy and it was getting harder and harder to keep her small but distinct baby bump hidden. So far the loose dresses and aprons favoured by the girls in the community had been her saviours, but she knew she couldn’t keep it a secret forever and she hoped they would be able to put Amanda’s plan into motion soon. Amanda had decided their only real option was to go away for a few months, have the baby and put it up for adoption. The only hurdle in the plan was how to convince their father to allow them both to leave for three or four months. What possible reason could they have? But Amanda assured Rosalie that she wasn’t to worry about any of it and she would figure something out.
She sincerely hoped Amanda’s powers of persuasion were up to snuff because if it didn’t work her only other option would be to run away from home. Telling her father wasn’t a possibility she considered for even a moment but every once in a while she was sorely tempted to tell Jake, whom she saw now and again at community events or at church. He had tried on numerous occasions to strike up a conversation with her, but she had rebuffed him out of fear she may blurt out the truth or admit that she was madly in love with him. She knew that if she did either one of those things she would only end up hurting herself. So she stayed away from him and maintained a cool attitude towards him, which left him feeling puzzled and hurt.
Even though he spent all his time with his mother, occasionally going into the city to take care of business, Jake had come to the decision since his rendezvous with Rosalie that he wanted to woo her properly. He knew it was a long shot because of their lifestyles and he felt as though all the cards were stacked up against him, but seeing her again had made him aware of how deeply he cared for her and the idea of her settling down with someone else was far more upsetting to him than he cared to admit. Under normal circumstances he would have spoken to her father and gotten his permission to court her, but that was out of the question since the elders in the community were still giving him the silent treatment and making it abundantly clear his presence was unwelcome. But Jake didn’t care; his focus was his mother and Rosalie. Yet it soon became clear to him that Rosalie didn’t want much to do with him either, and he couldn’t understand why. During the time they had spent together, he had come to know her inside out and had come to love and appreciate her humour, her intelligence, her rebellious spirit and her loving heart. He was certain he had seen something more in her eyes – he had been convinced her feelings for him ran deeper than a superficial fling and that was why he felt he owed it both of them to try for a real relationship. But whenever he tried to speak to her or seek her out, she carefully and deliberately avoided him. After a few tries he was forced to face the truth; he had been wrong and she wanted nothing to do with him. So he did the only thing he could and avoided her in turn.
Rosalie and Jake, unaware of each other’s thoughts and feelings went through the weeks suffering in silence, each convinced of the other’s indifference but aching to be with the other. While Jake worried about Rosalie walking down the aisle with one of the stiff, pompous, young men from their community, Rosalie lived in perpetual fear of the day when Jake’s mother would die and he would leave their lives forever. What would she do then? She could only hope and pray that somehow things would be righted in the end…but God wasn’t listening because her father found out about the baby and her world crumbled into pieces all around her.
She knew just from the way he asked her to come into his study that he had somehow found out. Never one to beat around the bush, Alistair looked his younger daughter straight into the eyes, eyes which reminded him of his dead wife and asked her in a voice quivering with repressed rage and anger whether she was pregnant. Rosalie knew there was no sense in lying to him or denying the truth. So she nodded her head to say yes, she was pregnant.
“How far along?”
“Six months.”
“During Rumspringa?”
It wasn’t so much a question but a statement.
“Yes,” she said softly.
Alistair’s lips curled up in disgusted sneer.
“Who’s the father? Or do you even know?”
Rosalie was too scared and upset to feel hurt by the harsh words, so she nodded mutely.
“What’s his name?” Alistair’s voice was still deceptively calm but Rosalie knew better.
“I can’t tell you, father. Please don’t make me tell you.” She pleaded.
Alistair balled his hands into fists and banged them against his desk. His voice boomed louder and angrier than she had ever heard it before.
“WHAT’S HIS NAME?! You will tell me this instance or I will strangle it out of you, Rosalie. WHO IS HE?”
Shaking like a leaf from head to toe, fighting back a sudden bout of nausea, Rosalie didn’t have the courage or strength to fight her father. She couldn’t get herself to feed him the same lie she had told Amanda, so with tears streaming down her cheeks, she whispered Jake’s name.
Her father looked thunderstruck and he shook his head as though he hadn’t heard her right.
“Who? Who did you say is the father?”
Now that the cat was out of the bag there was no running from any of it, so taking in a deep breath Rosalie told her father everything.
That evening she was resting in her room when her father entered. She knew by the grim look on his face that something bad was about to happen. Wordlessly he threw an overnight bag on her bed and told her to pack only essentials.
“Where are we going?” Rosalie asked him.
Instead of answering her question he added,
“You have five minutes to get your stuff and yourself together.”
“But Father where are we going??”
But
he was already gone.
Exactly five minutes later he was back. He didn’t bother checking whether she had packed or not. He grabbed the bag and grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the bedroom and down the hall.
Amanda ran after them trying to reason with their father. Rosalie stared at her with wide, frightened eyes. What was happening? Intent on the task at hand Alistair ignored them both. A car stood waiting outside their house. Alistair spoke a few brief words to the driver before rudely shoving Rosalie into the backseat. He threw her bag in after her.
“Father! What are you doing?” Rosalie pleaded, “Where am I going?”
But her father wouldn’t look at her. He slammed the door shut and marched back inside the house. Amanda’s face was pressed against the living room window. Both sisters stared at each other helplessly wondering what the future held in store.
CHAPTER NINE:
At three in the morning, Jake was awoken from a troubled sleep by the soft pitter patter of small stones hitting his window. Groggily he opened his eyes and made his way to the window. In the darkness he couldn’t make out who was standing below but it looked like a girl. Thinking it was Rosalie, Jake threw on some jeans and a T-shirt and hurried outside, but it was Amanda on his lawn not Rosalie.
“Amanda?! What are you doing here?”
She held a finger to her lips and beckoned him to follow her; feeling more concerned by the second, Jake followed her until they were standing in a sheltered area hidden away from sight.
“I need to tell you something,” Amanda said cryptically, “and I don’t have a lot of time so please don’t ask too many questions; just listen carefully and do what you need to.”