by Daria Wright
Ruby’s brow furrowed. It wasn’t like her father to ask someone else to do work for him.
“Of course, I didn’t realize you’d be stuck home.”
Then it all clicked. Ruby never washed the floor. Even though she’d been taught it was always Sarah who did it if their mother wasn’t feeling well enough to do it. A smile touched Ruby’s lips as she turned to face Luke, the boy she’d been left home with. Home alone.
“Relax for a while. I’ll prepare us a snack to eat outside, and once I am done the floors we can spend a little time together.”
He had asked her out yesterday. This could count as their date. If he would still go out with me, even after what he just saw.
Luke’s smile widened. “Sounds perfect, I’ll be waiting outside for you.”
She watched him walk away before turning to the bucket and filling it with water. He’d smiled when she suggested they eat together! Like what he had just seen, what he had just discovered about her, didn’t matter to him.
But will he tell deatt on me? She would have to find out, and if he would then she would have to be gone by the time her family got back from their picnic.
Panic set in. It made her heart race. It made her want to cry.
She took a deep breath, working quickly to prepare a small snack and set it by the door before she started on the floors. Although they were washed almost daily, it still took some scrubbing on her part to get everything as clean as it should be, but she was able to finish quickly and was soon stepping out into the fresh air.
Luke pushed himself off the front steps, coming to meet her as she reached down for the small basket that held their meal.
“Please,” he bent down and grabbed it. “allow me. You shouldn’t be carrying anything too heavy.”
His words sent a shiver down her spine. He was acting like he cared. Like it didn’t faze him what he had just found out.
Ruby stared at him with wide eyes. Doesn’t he care? But it didn’t seem like he did. It didn’t seem like he cared at all about what she’d done.
He stepped away from her, taking a few steps before turning back and looking at her.
“Well? Are you coming?”
“Uh, jah.” Ruby rushed forward, falling into pace with him as they made their way out of the garden and down the dirt road again.
They were quiet for a while, but Ruby couldn’t shake the fear that Luke would no longer like her. That he would no longer respect her, or that he would tell her parents on her.
“Are you going to tell my deatt?” She blurted it out before even realizing it.
Luke turned to her, looking her over for a fraction of second. “Nee.”
“Y-you’re not?”
“Nee, I won’t tell on you. But, do you know what you’re going to do? You can’t just keep hiding it from them. Unless… are you…”
“Nee,” she didn’t need him to finish his sentence to know what he was asking. “I can’t. I’d never be able to live with it.”
Ruby stared off into the distance in front of them. She would feel his eyes on her still staring holes into her.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“I’ll leave. Soon, I just… I’m not ready yet, that’s all.” Ruby took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. It was hard to talk about, but she wouldn’t let that affect her. She wouldn’t let herself cry over this- not yet.
“You’re leaving?”
Did she heart hurt in his voice?
Ruby turned to the man she was walking with and gave him a soft nod. “I can’t stay. I won’t shame my shtamm by telling them. I won’t be shunned, that will shame them. So I’ll leave without telling anyone. You can’t tell anyone. Please, promise me you won’t.”
“I… I won’t… if that is what you really want.”
“It is.”
No, it wasn’t but Ruby couldn’t have what she wanted. She couldn’t stay here and have the baby. I could marry. But she would have to do it fast and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to find anyone that would marry her so quickly. No, Ruby only had one option and she knew it.
“I’ll miss you.” Luke admitted.
Ruby turned to him. His words were enough to send her over the edge, a tear rolled down her cheek. “I think I’ll miss you, too.”
She took a deep breath, sniffing back more tears and pointed towards the top of a hill. She pointed. “Why don’t we sit over there?”
“Jah, that looks like a nice place to sit.” But his heart wasn’t in it. He still sounded upset.
Guilt tugged at Ruby. This is what she’d be doing to everyone. Would her family really be okay without her? Would they worry? Would they try to search for her?
It didn’t matter. She’d take a bus far away. She’d make sure they couldn’t find her.
They sat down, and Luke placed the basket in between them. Ruby and Luke each pulled out a sandwich to eat, and said nothing as they enjoyed their meal.
The breeze blew through Ruby’s hair as she sat quietly, hoping that she’d be able to trust the man who now knew her darkest secret. He said she could trust him, but for all she knew he was lying to her.
“You know,” Luke stared off into the distance, breaking the silence, “when I wanted to leave my home, it was because of the way things were. It was all too strict. No one was allowed to do what would be best for them and everyone was getting shunned. I hated it there. I hated them. The community I was raised in… it was… strict to say the least. It was frowned upon to even trade with Englishers, but we had to make money somehow, right?” Luke paused.
“When all was said and down, my friend wanted to marry an English man… the community I was from is so strict that they didn’t even want that. She was harshly judged. Wven though they allowed her to marry him and allowed him to join the community, the people were harsh. Shunning her would have been better.”
Ruby’s brow furrowed. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be accepting of people who wanted to join the community. They were supposed to be accepting of those who wanted to find Gott.
“And that’s why you left?”
“Jah. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be welcomed back to be honest, but that doesn’t matter because I know that wasn’t my place.”
“But… what about your shtamm?”
“They may come visit some time. My parents tried to raise me as best they could, but they couldn’t leave their parents there alone. They felt obligated to stay but they understood when I wanted to leave.”
“Won’t you miss them?”
“Of course. But I will write them, and they will write back.” He smiled, as if that did actually comfort him. He turned to her, looking her over. “You have a gut shtamm here.”
“I do.” Ruby knew it was true. Her father was hard on her and her sister but he loved them. He would never shun them for wanting to marry an English man. I don’t think. He’d never allow her to leave, but he wouldn’t shun her if she’d fallen in love with an English man who had come to the community.
“Ruby,” Luke’s cheeks flushed. “I’ve never told anyone that. I’ve never told anyone how I felt about the community I grew up in.”
Ruby reached out, touching his fingers softly. “I’m glad you told me.”
“I was just thinking, it’s a shame that you have to leave.”
“It is, but I will make things work. I will survive, and maybe in time I will feel like I’m able to come back.” She knew that those words were the only thing keeping her strong.
His fingers tanged into hers. “I’ll miss you.” He whispered.
Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. “I’ll miss you, too.”
And the sad part is, she knew it was true. Why did I have to do that? She’d been stupid to go out with Emma. She knew that if she had just stayed home none of this would be happening to her right now. She knew that she would be able to take joy in Luke’s company, but right now she just felt sad knowing that she would have to leave him, just like everyone else here.
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She took a deep breath and forced a smile over her lips. I’ll make the most of it. That’s all I can do.
Turning to Luke her smile widened. “Do you like staying here?”
“I do, very much. I think I might ask to stay her, forever I mean.”
Ruby’s heart skipped a beat. If he stayed here and she did come back they would be able to see each other again. That made her smile widen.
“I don’t see why anyone would say nee. You’re a gut man, and I think a lot of the girls would love to have a new boy here.” Ruby laughed softly.
“I’m sure many girls are looking for a potential husband. Back home it was all the girls cared much about.”
“The girls care about other stuff here, but they want to be sure they find a gut husband.” Otherwise they would not be sure if someone could provide for them well enough, and for many girls that meant their child’s future. Ruby’s hand touched her stomach. I will have to provide for my own kinder…. But I’ll to the best I can for them. That was a promise.
Chapter Five
Gott, please help me. I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to have to leave home, but I don’t think there are any other options for me, are there? Please, I need guidenece. I know I’ve sinned, I know I should be ashamed of myself and I should confess my sins but I do not how I can confess to my own father and still expect for things to be okay. I need a sign. Please, help me.
“Did you and Luke have a nice time?”
Sarah’s voice interrupted Ruby’s prayer as her younger sister came into the room after helping their mother do the dishes.
“We did, I guess.” Ruby shrugged. She wasn’t sure what else to say. Of course they had a very nice time, but they’d talked about a lot of things that Ruby would never be able to tell her sister. She wouldn’t give away Luke’s secrets, and it’s not like she could tell her sister anything about what they’d talked about when it came to herself.
“That’s it? I want details! Did he confess his love for you?”
Ruby choked on air. “W-what?”
“I mean, you two did go on a date, didn’t you?” Sarah sat down, staring at her sister intently.
“We… went for a walk.” Ruby shrugged.
She stood up and changed out of her dress quickly, slipping into her night gown and robe to help keep herself covered, and warm. Sarah still stared at her, waiting for details.
“There’s nothing to say, I’m sorry but it was just lunch. We talked about life, and that was it. We came home. No he didn’t confess his love for me- which would have just been silly.” She added the last part after a second’s thought. Her sister needed to have a clear understanding of love, and life. If she thought some boy was just going to confess his love she was sorely mistaken.
Ruby looked up as someone knocked on her door. “Are you awake?” Luke asked.
“Jah,” Ruby straightened. Sarah stared with wide eyes as Luke stepped into their room.
“I… I’ve got to…” Sarah jumped to her feet and without saying a word rushed out of the room.
Ruby raised an eyebrow. “I think you scared my shveshtah away.”
Luke laughed softly closing the distance between them. “Gut, I’d been hoping we could have a moment to speak to each other alone.”
Ruby’s mouth fell open, forming a small o. What could he want to talk to her about that they would need to be alone for? Except… Her stomach did a backflip as he sat down beside her.
“Ruby, I’d like to ask your father for your hand in marriage.”
“W-what?” Ruby stammered, trying to process his words.
“I know we don’t know each other very well… but the idea of losing you… the idea that you will have to give up a life you always knew you would want… I just can’t live with it knowing that I could have done something. If we marry, we can say the child is ours. We can raise him as our own.”
Ruby stared at Luke as he sat down beside her. He reached out and took her hand.
“But… you don’t love me.”
Why would he give up his chance at love? Why would he risk marrying her? He hardly knew her.
“But I know I could grow to love you. I know I care about you.”
He cares about me? His words shocked Ruby. She was processing. She tried to take everything in but struggled to figure out what she should say. She took a deep breath.
“I know it is a lot to take in. Think about it as long as you like.” Luke gave her a soft smile, leaning towards his. His lips touched her cheek, blazing hot against her skin. He stood up without another word and walked towards the door, leaving her there alone.
Ruby hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he had said. She hadn’t been able to stop feeling his lips against her cheek. Gott, what am I supposed to do? She prayed, trying to ask for advice, for hours that night.
No matter how tight she shut her eyes she couldn’t sleep. So, even though the house was dark, Ruby pushed the blankets off her and padded into the kitchen.
She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw someone at the counter. The shape turned. “Ruby, what are you doing up so late?” Her mother asked.
“I… I couldn’t sleep.” Ruby admitted.
She saw the dark shape of her mother step towards the table. She tilted her head to the left. “Come, sit.”
Ruby did as she was told, sitting down across from her mother.
“What is wrong?”
“I…” Ruby took a deep breath. She wanted to tell her mother everything, but she knew she couldn’t.
“Is it Luke? Or is it the bobli?”
Ruby’s mouth fell open. Had her mother just said what she thought she said? She knows? How?!
Her mother lit one of the small oil lamps, the light blinding Ruby for a fraction of a second. Concern covered her mother’s face.
“Is the bobli okay?”
“I… how did you…”
Her mother gave a soft smile. “Your deatt may not be the kind of man that notices everything, but I would like to think I’m an observant woman. You’ve been sick often. You’ve been tired, and I’ve noticed how much you’re in the bathroom. I’m sorry, the women on my side are cursed with bad sicknesses, and it gets worse as the time goes on.”
Ruby remembered when her mother was pregnant with Sarah. She hadn’t even been able to get out of bed some days, but more often than not the only thing Ruby really remembered was her mother having to rush somewhere to throw up.
Ruby felt tears prick the corner of her eyes.
“So, what is keeping you up so late?”
“I…” Ruby knew there was no point in trying to lie. Her mother knew the truth. And knowing that she could talk to someone about it felt like the world was lifted off her shoulders.
“It’s Luke… he knows. He found me in the bathroom one day and figured it out. It was yesterday, when you and deatt and Sarah were out on your picnic. He… he asked what I was going to do.” Her mother raised an eyebrow waiting. “I told him I was going to leave, because I didn’t know what else I could do. I can’t bring shame to the shtamm. But tonight….” Ruby trailed off. She had to collect herself to say the words she was about to say.
“What happened tonight?” Her other asked after 20 seconds.
“Luke told me he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. He told me he would raise the kinder as his own, that he… he would miss me and he didn’t want me to leave.”
Her mother studied her carefully. “What did you say?”
“Nothing. I had no clue what to say.”
The two women fell silent. Ruby’s heart raced, waiting to see what her mother would say.
“We don’t want to lose you, Ruby. But I cannot stop you if you will leave. Luke is a kind boy, with a good head on his shoulders, and he would make a forgiving husband.”
Tears rolled down Ruby’s cheeks. Half sadness and half frustration. She had no clue what she was supposed to do. She wanted her mother to tell her.
&n
bsp; “Do you believe you could grow to love Luke?” Her mother asked.
“Jah, I do. But what of him? It’s not fair if he must live his life with my-”
“Does he care?” Her mother didn’t even wait for her to finish her sentence.
“I…”
“Do you think he would have asked for your hand if he cared?”
Ruby stared at her mother. She made a good point, but Ruby still wasn’t sure she could bring herself to ask so much of Luke.
Their engagement was announced the next week after church. Everyone clapped, and congratulated them both. Emma smiled widely as she rushed over to Ruby and pulled her into a hug.
“This is so exciting!” she beamed, then looked around. “Colin will be so excited to see a wedding within his first year. But it’s so rushed, are you two that in love?”
Ruby had to process her best friend’s words a little. “You mean, you’ve decided to stay?”
“Jah, I mean… I love Colin, but I can’t leave home. I love it here too much, so he’s going to join the community.” Her eyes sparkled.
Ruby’s heart raced with excitement. Everything was going to work out. She couldn’t believe it. She would have her best friend back and she would soon be married.
Ruby hugged her friend tightly before Emma pulled away.
“This is wonderful. I can’t wait to help with all the prep. You’re rushing it, though. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to wait a little longer?”
Autumn weddings were normal, after all the crops would be done and everyone would have a little time to relax before bunkering down for winter. But Ruby’s mother said that would be too long. Ruby should be showing by then. So the wedding would be next month.
“We can’t bring ourselves to wait any longer than we have to.” Ruby lied. She couldn’t bring herself to tell her best friend the truth, not yet at least.
But it didn’t matter. Emma beamed widely, her eyes sparkling and Ruby couldn’t help let that happiness infect her as well. Her hand touched her stomach gently and for the first time in over a month she felt like everything was going to be okay.
A warm hand touched the small of her back. A gesture Luke often did. Ruby turned to face him, giving him a soft smile. His eyes sparkled as his lips lowered to her cheek.