by Daria Wright
After a long, sleepless night, Martha knew what she must do. Although she didn’t love Isaac, she cared for him and knew that he would make a good father and husband. Martha would hide her pregnancy and allow Isaac to court her.
As if he could read her mind, at the next church gathering, Isaac asked Martha if she would ride with him to the Fisher wedding the following week, and Martha said yes. Isaac beamed at her, and Martha forced a smile back. She already felt as if she were betraying Jack, but she knew that she had to make this work for the good of her baby.
Her friends were all excited when they heard that Martha was going to the wedding with Isaac, and Martha put on a positive attitude. She truly did enjoy Isaac’s company, but being around him was nothing like being with Jack. Still, she thought it was the right thing to do and vowed to make the best of it.
And the wedding was quite enjoyable; Isaac was a respectful date, picking Martha up at her home, shaking hands with her parents, and putting a blanket down to make the seat of his buggy more comfortable. At the wedding, he danced with her while keeping the appropriate distance and made friendly conversation. As he took her back to her home afterwards, Isaac asked Martha if she would like to attend the next dance in his town with him, and Martha agreed. Isaac was a good dancer and pleasant to spend time with, so accepting his invitation was easy.
As the weeks passed by, Martha went to several dances, socials, and even another wedding with Isaac. They became known as a couple throughout the community, although they hadn’t even kissed yet. Martha’s parents began inviting Isaac to eat dinner with them at their home every other week or so, and Martha was comfortable and even content in his company.
But she soon began to worry about her pregnancy. She was beginning to show, and in the heat of the summer, it was awkward to cover up with coats and shawls. Martha knew that her relationship with Isaac was bound to grow more physical soon, and he would be able to feel her baby bump even just by embracing her. She would soon have to tell him, and a doctor, that she was pregnant. Isaac would know that it was definitely not his baby, and Martha didn’t know how he would feel about this. He was such a kind man, and very devout. Would he be willing to forgive her, or would he want nothing more to do with her? Although Martha still didn’t love Isaac or feel the chemistry and emotional bond as she had with Jack, she didn’t want to lose him. She saw Isaac as her one chance to do right by Gott and continue her life in the Amish community as she had chosen to do.
Chapter 7
So when Martha felt that she could not keep her secret any longer, she sat down with Isaac alone to tell him. She had ridden home with him after church service, and when all of his family members had either left the room or gone outside, Martha let Isaac know she had something serious she needed to talk to him about. She was so nervous that she could feel her stomach churning.
“I’m not sure if you know this about me, but before I met you, I went with Sadie to visit her brother, who left the Amish community a few years ago and lives in the English world,” she began.
“Yes, I have heard that,” said Isaac. “That is fine, I have friends who did the same, who experimented with a different lifestyle for weeks or even months during Rumspringa before returning home.”
“Well, it was quite an experience for me,” Martha began. She didn’t know how to say it, so she just came straight out with the truth. “I met an English man, one of Mark’s friends, and we spent some time together,” she said, “and, well, we slept together. And I’m pregnant with his child.”
Isaac surprisingly looked unfazed. He looked into Martha’s eyes, and slowly nodded his head.
“What?” asked Martha, anxious to hear his response, wanting to get it over with if he was going to be angry and leave her.
“I suspected that,” said Isaac. “It’s been so hot, but you’re always wearing shawls even though I can tell you’re nearly sweating. And you’ve filled out since we first met.”
“Is it that obvious?” asked Martha.
“No,” said Isaac, “but I’m around you, and close to you all the time. And I know you.”
Martha let herself breathe again, relieved and guilty all at once. Isaac knew her more than she thought, but he didn’t know how she truly felt about the father of her child. And here he was, sitting calmly despite her confirming his suspicions.
“And you’re comfortable with this? Do you still want to see me?” she asked him nervously.
“Yes, I do,” said Isaac. “You are a kind, devout woman, and I want to be with you. I have always wanted to have children, and will raise yours as my own. We will be married and the community will believe the child is mine, if that is what you wish.”
Martha couldn’t believe it. The conversation and Isaac’s response went better than she ever could have imagined. She felt grateful towards him, but couldn’t help to feel a little disappointed that there was still no spark between them as there had been with Jack, and probably would never be.
Chapter 8
As the summer continued on, Martha, Isaac, and their families began to make the wedding arrangements. Martha liked Isaac’s family, and their parents got along well. Spending time with the families was always pleasant, and Martha felt mostly positive about her whole situation. It wasn’t love, but it was friendship, and Martha suspected that was how many marriages were. In the grand scheme of things, it really wasn’t so bad. Isaac would make a good father and she could remain in the church and community she loved.
Martha suspected that her family could tell that she was pregnant, although they didn’t say anything. They couldn’t tell how far along she was under her loose dresses and surely believed that the baby was Isaac’s. The community could be forgiving about that, as long as the parents were married before the baby was born, as her and Isaac would be soon.
Martha had seen the community’s doctor, who had informed her that she was having a normal and healthy pregnancy. He gave her some nutrition tips and remedies to avoid morning sickness. Martha felt and good and definitely had a healthy appetite. She found herself extremely excited for her baby’s arrival.
One night after having dinner together, Isaac and Martha were sitting together at Martha’s home. With her younger siblings already asleep in bed and her parents visiting with friends, Isaac and Martha found themselves alone, which was surprisingly rare.
“I’m looking forward to marrying you,” Isaac said, smiling at Martha and scooting in close to her on the couch.
“Me too,” said Martha, and in a way, she meant it. She would be relieved to be married well before her baby was born, and she knew that they would have a comfortable life together with the support of their families and the community.
Isaac looked into Martha’s eyes and leaned in close, kissing her on her lips. Martha kissed him back, trying out how it felt. It was fine, but it didn’t feel anything like kissing Jack. When she had kissed Jack, her whole body felt warm and it was as if she couldn’t get enough of his touch. With Isaac, she didn’t feel anything.
Luckily, Isaac didn’t try to take it any farther, and when he pulled away, he held onto Martha’s hand. “I love you, Martha,” he said, and she could see in his eyes that he meant it.
Martha felt guilty, but couldn’t bring herself to say it back, so she leaned in and gave Isaac another kiss. That seemed to satisfy him, and he sat back and smiled at her. Martha couldn’t help but to think of Jack and how different her life would be. But she wouldn’t let her thoughts go there, so she just smiled and squeezed Isaac’s hand. This would work. She would make it work.
Chapter 9
The next morning, Martha was in her bedroom folding laundry when she noticed that there was something on her window. She walked up closer and saw that it was a piece of paper propped up on the window’s ledge on the outside of the house. She put on her shoes and walked outside, taking the piece of paper down from her window ledge. It was folded up, and she felt a sense of excitement and nervousness as she unfolded it.
&nbs
p; “Martha, meet me at the edge of town by the corn field at noon. –Jack,” the note read. Martha felt as though her heart exploded. She rubbed her eyes, hardly believing what she was reading. How could it be? Why would Jack even want to see her after she left him without even saying goodbye?
As the morning ticked by, Martha felt extremely nervous. She didn’t know how Jack would be or what she would say to him. Although she couldn’t help but feel excited to see him, she had no idea what she would say. She was engaged to be married to Isaac, and there was no way she could leave the community to be with Jack now. She would be shunned forever.
Still, she knew she had to go talk to him that she wanted to be part of the Amish community and was to marry an Amish man. Maybe then her guilt would subside. But she knew she could not be fully honest with Jack. She didn’t think she could bring herself to tell him about the baby. She didn’t know how he would react, but he surely didn’t want a baby right now with his education and career just ahead of him. He would only feel worse if he knew his child would be raised by another man.
So as Martha prepared herself to go meet Jack, she put on her loosest dress and wrapped a shawl around her body. Luckily, it wasn’t too hot that day so he probably wouldn’t suspect anything. She realized as she dressed that Jack had never seen her in Amish attire before, only in the English clothes that she had borrowed from Mark’s girlfriend. Martha wondered if he would even be interested in her anymore, seeing her dressed like this. Maybe he wouldn’t think she was so beautiful when she was all covered up, her hair tied back and her bonnet over her head.
Martha tried to brush off these thoughts and focus on what she was going to say to Jack, how she would talk to him without breaking down and confessing everything. She wondered when he had put the note on her window and if he had seen Isaac leaving her house the previous night. She didn’t know how often Sadie and Mark communicated and what Jack might therefore already know from talking to Mark. Sadie didn’t know she was pregnant; none of her friends did, since she hadn’t been to many gatherings lately in preparation of her wedding. However, everyone in the community knew that she and Isaac were getting married. Martha hoped that Jack wouldn’t be angry, although he had every right to be.
It was finally time for Martha to meet Jack, and she began her walk across town. She carried a basket with her so that if anyone saw her, they would think she was off to pick something up from a neighboring farm. Certainly nobody would suspect that she was going to meet the father of her child and the love of her life.
When Martha reached the edge of town, stomach still churning with nerves, she saw a rustle in the cornfield, and then Jack appeared. Just seeing his blue eyes again immediately made her weak in the knees, and she had to fight hard to resist the impulse to jump into his arms. After all, if he felt her body, he would know she was pregnant.
“Jack,” she said instead. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything more, not yet.
“Martha,” he said, and took her by the hand. He led her around the field to an open area where there was a bench, and they sat down. “What happened?” he asked her. “Why did you leave? I’ve been wondering what I did, where I went wrong, ever since.” He looked down sadly.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Martha started.
“I woke up, and you were gone. I was so worried about you. I called Mark, and he said that he took you back here, and that you seemed upset. I’ve been beating myself up ever since. I just can’t figure out what happened and why you would leave so abruptly like that, without even telling me. I think I imagined every scenario. I finally just needed to hear it from you.” He looked so upset that it made Martha’s heart break all over again, and she couldn’t bring herself to speak.
“I had Mark show me where your community is, but for some reason he really didn’t want to tell me. I finally got it out of him and he said he heard you were engaged. I couldn’t even believe it; I thought he must have it wrong. He finally gave me general directions to your house, but I still had to look all over for it last night. And I finally saw you in the window, and you were kissing another man,” Jack looked up at Martha and she saw that his eyes were wet with tears and hurt. “I just need to know, were you with him before you met me, or did you just get over me that quickly?”
Martha felt so badly that she began to cry, but she tried to stay strong and explain herself through her tears. After everything she’d put him through, Jack deserved her explanation. “I left because we can’t be together,” she said. “I love you but I love my family, my community, and my church, too. I love the Amish way of life, and I wouldn’t fit into your world,” she cried. “If I had stayed with you, I would have been shunned from my community forever. And what would I have done in the English world? I was only in school until I was thirteen; I could never get a job. I should have told you why I left, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you then. I thought it would be more painful to tell you. But I see now that it was more painful not to tell you, and I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Martha broke down, putting her face in her hands to cry.
“And what about the other man?” asked Jack.
“I met him after I came back here; I’d never even seen him before. I…” she began, trying to hold herself back, but the truth came out, “I don’t even love him. He’s a kind man, but he’s not you. I just have to marry him because it’s what the community expects. I need to marry someone from within the church in order to keep living here, to keep being a part of this community. I need him to keep my life,” she said, her voice coming out in barely a whisper. She still couldn’t tell Jack that she was pregnant. He was already so upset; it would just upset him more.
“I just don’t understand,” said Jack. “How could you marry someone you don’t love? Isn’t love more important than being accepted?”
Martha shook her head, “It’s more complicated than that. This has been my whole life. Being Amish is a huge part of who I am. I don’t even know anything different. I mean, look, this is how I dress. I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t think I could.”
Jack sighed heavily. “I need some time to process this,” he said. “But I just can’t let you go, Martha. I meant it when I said that I love you. I still love you, and I miss you, and I want to be with you.” Martha’s eyes started to tear up again. “Can we meet here again tomorrow?” he asked her.
Martha nodded and agreed with him that they both needed some time to think. But leaving Jack was harder than she could have imagined, and tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked back to her home.
Chapter 10
The next day, Martha had to lie to Isaac that she was stopping by a friend’s house to drop off a dress she’d mended when she left to go meet Jack. Isaac had come to her house to talk about the wedding, but Martha couldn’t concentrate on anything he said. The wedding was swiftly approaching, and Martha didn’t know how she’d be able to stand up and marry Isaac in the church when she couldn’t stop thinking about Jack. She had to keep reminding herself that she was doing what was best for the baby. Still, the wedding was less than a week away and Martha had never felt more conflicted in her life.
Again, her heart raced as she walked across town to meet Jack at the bench by the corn field. She held her shawl loosely around her body, which seemed to grow bigger and bigger each day.
Jack was already there, sitting on the bench and looking very serious. “I want to know more about this man you’re marrying,” he said right away when Martha sat down. “Why him? And why are you engaged so quickly if you just met him a few months ago?”
Martha was nervous. She still didn’t want to reveal that she was pregnant, so she had to be careful about how she answered Jack’s questions. Part of her just wanted to tell him, but then what would he do? Would he give up on his dreams just to be with her? Or would he not want to have anything to do with her anymore?
“Isaac is a very kind man,” she began.
“I know, you said that yesterday,�
�� Jack interrupted. “But that’s not enough reason to marry someone.”
“Well, he belongs to the same church, and his family lives close by, in the next community over,” said Martha. “And our families get along well. My parents approve of him. The whole community approves of him. They expect you to marry within the church.”
“So they wouldn’t approve of me?” asked Jack, “Even though we love each other? Even though I’m a Christian, too?”
“But you’re not Amish,” Martha said sadly, “If I left to be with an English man, I could never be part of the community again.”
Jack sighed and hung his head. “Well, why get married now? Can’t you at least wait?” His voice sounded almost hopeful, and Martha felt badly lying, but didn’t want to hurt him any further.
“That’s just how it is here,” she said, and it was mostly the truth. “Getting married is part of becoming an adult; it’s tradition and mostly everyone marries young.”
“But are you sure you want to?” asked Jack, looking into Martha’s eyes with his piercing blue ones.