by Diana Ryan
Why had I lost my confidence? School had never been an issue for me. Well, until my freshman year of college.
I scrunched up my eyes, trying to remember what happened last year.
And then it occurred to me that I had considered not coming back to school this semester. The details of what happened were very hazy. A faint pain began to form in the back of my brain as I strained to remember what had happened last summer. I wasn’t ready for a full-blown headache again, so I dropped the thought. Almost instantly the pain subsided.
Huh.
I washed the bowl in the sink and then set it in the rack to dry. No one else was awake, so I grabbed my backpack and quietly slid out the front door, locking it behind me.
On the chilly morning walk to class I quickly shuffled through my notecards in a desperate last minute attempt to commit those vocab words to memory. When I arrived at the science building, I nervously drifted through the halls until I found room 210, and sat down at a desk in the back of the room. I put my backpack on the floor and grabbed a pencil from the front zipper pocket.
An hour later I was released from my nervousness and on my way home. Although I should have been overcome with relief, I had an odd sense like someone was watching me as I walked. Several times I peered over my shoulder but saw nothing out of the ordinary, just college kids walking here and there, some texting, some on their phones, some with earbuds in, but all minding their own business.
Weird.
I continued on my way, but the uneasy feeling didn’t subside. A few more quick glances around me did not help solve the problem. I pulled out my phone and held it in my hand, not sure what I was going to do with it. There wasn’t a real emergency here, just a crazed girl with paranoia and an absent memory.
Finally, I took refuge on a wooden bench near the back of the student center and looked up into the trees around me.
Relax, Ava. Your brain is on overdrive.
The leaves were displaying their beautiful fall colors, and the wind was gently blowing their branches. The sun was peeking through clusters of fluffy white clouds, and the brisk autumn air cleared my senses.
I was starting to feel my body relax and had even lost the feeling that someone was following me, when Adam popped out from behind the back entrance of the student center and scared me out of my skin.
I screamed loudly, jumping backward.
“Good gracious, Adam!” I put my hand on my chest, trying to slow my hyper beating heart.
His loud laugh filled the courtyard between the student center and the student services building. “Oh, Blimey! I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“I suppose. You better watch out, though. I’ll have to get you back, now.”
“I guess I deserve that.” He laughed again and took a seat next to me on the bench.
“And also, Your Highness, you seriously need to stop stalking me.”
“Stalking? You would be so lucky.” He smiled. “So, how was the quiz? Please tell me you aced it.”
I pulled out the Scantron test sheet from my backpack. “See for yourself.” I shoved the paper into his open hands.
Adam looked like an excited puppy waiting to go for a walk. He kept the paper faced down. “It’s corrected already?”
“Sure! Haven’t you seen those little machines professors have that scan the answer sheets right there in the classroom? Instant grading!”
“Nice!” He dramatically and very slowly turned the paper over to reveal a big red “100%” written across the top. Adam jumped up onto the seat of the bench. “Brilliant! A blinding success!”
I laughed at him, elated and embarrassed at the same time.
“Ava! I’m so proud of you!” He jumped back down and grabbed my shoulders for a hug. “Great job! I knew you could do it!”
I pulled away quickly—people were starting to gawk. “Thanks,” I meekly replied. “I’m pretty pumped, too.” Although that was the truth, I wasn’t necessarily ready to announce it to the world as Adam was.
Adam stood up again. “Well, this calls for celebration. Come on.” He held his hand out for me to take. “I’m taking you to Belts.”
“Belts? It was just a tiny quiz!” There was something sort of admirable about Adam in this moment. I had never lived my life this way before, but the idea of celebrating all the small stuff seemed pretty exciting. My favorite ice cream shop was starting to sound like a nice way to ruin my lunch.
“It is only 10:30, by the way.”
“No excuses. Be proud of your accomplishments!” Adam was still waiting for me, hand stretched out.
“Well okay, Prince Adam. I guess you’re right.” I accepted his hand to help me off the bench but then dropped it as we began walking down the winding sidewalk lined with fallen leaves. His black car was sitting in the parking lot between the student center and the Communications building. The Com building reminded me of Adam’s aspirations to be a TV reporter. “So I owe you for helping me study for my quiz. Are you in any need of some tour guide tutoring from yours truly?”
He laughed quietly, unlocking the car door for me. “Oh, I forgot to tell you! I just landed myself one overnight shift a week on,” he changed his voice to a deeper and cheesier tone, “WWSP 90FM.”
“The University radio? Ohhh, the big time! Congrats!” I slid into the car and then held up my left hand for a high five.
He returned the gesture, saying, “Right! A listening audience of probably twenty-five hammered college kids who are too lazy to get up and change the channel! I’m pretty stoked!”
“Tell me when you are on and I’ll stay up one night.” I pulled my seatbelt from the wall and clicked it into the fastener below the console.
Adam started the car and then turned around to scan the area before backing up. “You’d better!”
I smiled as Adam drove down Division Street. He was so easy to talk to, and had such a positive outlook on life. He was humming a song while he pulled into the tiny lot. There was only one person at the order window. Not a shocker since it was only late morning and a cold autumn day.
Belts was one of those mom-and-pop seasonal ice cream shops. It was basically a two-room shack with a few walk-up ordering windows on an outside wall. Every November they boarded up the windows for the winter, and then hosted a grand opening each spring where dozens of crazy college kids would pitch tents in the snowy parking lot the night before it opened some cold Wisconsin March morning. For most of the season you could find long lines of locals patiently waiting for their oversized scoops of delicious soft serve.
Adam and I got out of the car and stood staring at the menu signs above the window. They had great flavors, cheap prices, and portion sizes that out-scooped any other ice cream parlor I had ever been to.
“What’s your favorite flavor, Ava?”
“Hmmm…probably chocolate. How about you?”
“Well, I’d just about die right now for a Lemon Cornetto.”
“A what?”
“Yes. I know. It’s a real tragedy. The utterly delicious Italian frozen waffle cone has not jumped the lake and landed over in America yet. You Yankees sure are missing out.”
“Well, I’ll take your word for it. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be in England to sample one.”
“Never say never, my dear.”
Adam stepped up to the window smiling and ordered two chocolate cones. We sat at a metal round table in the outdoor seating area off to the right. Although it was chilly, the sun was shining on my back, warming it while we ate.
There were a few moments of silence between us as we licked our ice cream. A chill went through my spine and I visibly shivered.
“I guess it’s too cold for ice cream. Hold this?” He held his cone out for me. I grabbed it wondering what he was up to. He pulled off his fleece pullover and held it out for me. “Here. It’d be a shame to see your lips and fingernails turn blue.” He reached out and took his half eaten cone from my left hand.
“Won’t you be cold?”
&
nbsp; Adam pushed the fleece closer to my hand. “Naw! It’s this chilly every day except about two in London. I’ve become accustomed.”
I accepted the fleece with a smile and asked Adam to hold my cone as I pulled the fleece over my head. It was very warm and cozy and smelled like, well, man. That was the best part, the smell. I shrugged up my shoulders so the neck of the sweatshirt was right at my mouth. I closed my eyes and took a big whiff before I reached for my ice cream back. Adam laughed at me.
“What?”
“You are too cute, Ava Gardner. Too cute.” And then he laughed under his breath again and smiled, licking his ice cream cone and shaking his head.
Chapter Eight
I had been spending so much time on schoolwork, I didn’t see Adam again until Friday when we ran into each other at the student center cafeteria. I had just made my way through the sub sandwich line and was heading for a place to sit when I saw him sitting at a table by the long row of windows. A pretty blond stood up and left when I approached.
“Who was that lovely lady?”
“She’s the Theta Sig sweetheart. You know, silly Greek stuff.” I wondered if he had feelings for this woman, but I didn’t dare to ask. I took a seat across from him and glanced at his tray of half-eaten lunch.
“I’m glad I ran into you just now,” Adam said. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. Do you like jazz music?”
I scrunched up my nose for a moment, surprised at his question. “Actually, I am a big fan. I owe that to my father. When he wasn’t off on business he would spend time listening to jazz on an old LP player. He introduced me to all the greats early on in life—Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, and John Coltrane.”
“Lucky girl,” Adam commented before he polished off his Coke.
“That’s sort of a strange question, anyway. Why do you ask?” I opened up my small bag of potato chips, pulled one out, and popped it in my mouth.
“I was planning on going to the Riverfront Jazz Fest tomorrow night and wanted to know if you would accompany me.”
“Riverfront Jazz Fest?” I dropped my jaw. “How did I not know about this?”
“I have no idea. There are signs hanging all over the place.” He grinned at my nonobservance, pointing at a poster hanging on the wall right next to my head. I laughed at myself as I read the info.
“So are you free?” Adam said excitedly.
“Of course! I’d love to go!”
But inside I knew I probably shouldn’t. This sounded somewhat like a date, and although I really enjoyed spending my time with Adam, I still wasn’t ready to explore any romantic feelings.
I looked up at Adam and he was beyond excited. His brown eyes confirmed just what I was afraid of—he was looking at me with admiration and perhaps even a hint of lust.
“Oh, Ava! It is going to be—” and then he put on his obnoxious impression of an American accent, “—awesome!” He leaned back in his chair laughing and smiling.
I rolled my eyes, but in all honestly, he was adorably cute. I poked a finger in the air. “Don’t start with me, mister. There are plenty of ridiculous sayings you Brits use.”
He said nothing but winked at me and smiled.
A pleasurable ping in my heart startled me and I looked away quickly.
Uh-oh.
I recognized that feeling. Was this platonic relationship starting to go differently than I wanted it to? I replayed the few times I had spent with Adam in the last two weeks since we met in the student lounge. I couldn’t remember a single time I had knowingly led him on.
When I looked back at Adam, he was busy texting. For a split second there was a hint of distress on his face and I thought I heard him say, “Oh bugger!” under his breath. Suddenly he shoved the phone in his bag and stood up, lifting his purple lunch tray. “Well, Princess Ava, I gotta run to lecture.” He dumped the contents of his tray in the garbage nearby and returned to the table. Then he picked up his backpack from the chair and threaded his arms through the straps.
“I shall pick you up tomorrow evening at 5:30. Don’t eat dinner before. I have plans.”
Dinner too? Sounds a lot like a date. I’m in trouble.
“I’ll be ready,” I said quietly.
Adam walked across the cafeteria and through the door on the far side. I didn’t want to let him think I had romantic feelings for him, yet I didn’t want to stop spending time with him. He really was a great friend and I especially appreciated the way he reacted differently than my girlfriends to my crazy head problems.
A few seconds before I was excited about Jazz Fest, but somehow I talked myself into feeling uneasy.
* * * *
The next day Kasie and I went for a run, I wrote a stellar paper for my Children’s Literature class, studied for a few quizzes I had coming up, and then my friends and I watched a movie. As the day progressed I kept trying to find a way to fix my relationship with Adam. How do you stop someone from falling in love with you, but continue to be friends?
Not possible, my head replied.
Soon enough the sun was setting outside my window and I was stuck staring at my closet, trying to decide what in the world to wear. If this were a real date and I wanted to impress my guy, then I would know exactly what to pull from the closet. But I didn’t want to impress Adam; I just wanted to go out and listen to good music with a good friend. I really wanted to pull a pair of comfortable jeans and an oversized hoodie from my dresser, but I was sure Adam would be more dressed up than that and I didn’t want to feel out of place. I was still standing in front of my closet wearing only my pink undies and a baby blue bra when I heard knocking on the door.
“Hold on!”
I quickly pulled on my best-fitting jeans and then grabbed a long-sleeved, dark grey cotton shirt. I slipped my arms into my white, puffy zip-up vest. Elaina knocked on my door and slowly came in. I was pushing some fake diamond stud earrings through the holes in my lobes when I looked up at her with agony in my eyes.
“You look nice,” she said as she crossed the room and took a seat on the bed.
“Do I?” I tried to hide my nervousness by busily filling my purse with a pack of gum, my cell phone, and wallet.
Elaina patted a spot on the bed next to her, signaling for me to sit down. “Ava, what’s wrong?”
Was it that obvious?
I took my black boots from the closet, and then sat down next to her and pulled them on. “I don’t look too nice, do I?”
What was I going to do about Adam?
“Ava, if you don’t like him, why are you going out with him?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory; it was laced with care.
There was a long empty pause. I didn’t have an easy answer for her. “Elaina, I love hanging out with Adam. He is a great friend to be around. I just don’t—”
“Let me just stop you right there.”
“What?”
“What is holding you back? Adam is cute, funny, friendly. Why can’t you let yourself fall in love with him?”
My heart jumped at her words. Fall in love? Yikes.
“I don’t know. I just….” For some reason I felt like my heart wasn’t free to be shared, but I couldn’t explain why. There wasn’t another guy I had my eyes on.
“Is it Aaron?” she asked.
I hadn’t thought about Aaron for quite a long time. Although my steady high school boyfriend broke my heart into what felt like a million pieces last year, I couldn’t remember the last time I had thought about Aaron.
“No,” I said with certainty. “It’s not Aaron.”
“Then I suggest you go into this non-date”—she used air quotes—“with an open mind and heart. Ava, the other girls and I see how happy you are when you’re around Adam. Just give him a chance.” She looked up at me with pleading eyes. It was almost alarming.
Then instantly it hit me that perhaps I had been a little too obsessed with my heartbreak last year. And the last few weeks had been filled with some strange and somewhat disturbing head problems. Of cou
rse my friends wanted to see me happy. Maybe I could give Adam a chance.
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. “Ava? Can I come in?” It was Adam. My heart skipped a beat, and I suddenly felt very sweaty.
What was happening to me?
“Yeah, sure, come on in,” I yelled to the door, my voice cracking at the end. I half whispered to Elaina, “Thanks. I promise I’ll try to open my heart,” and then leaned in for a hug just as Adam opened the door.
Adam walked into the room. He wore casual brown slip-on loafers and dark-wash jeans. A button down, dark blue shirt was tucked into his jeans exposing a brown leather belt around his slim waist. The first few buttons of his shirt were left undone to reveal a white T-shirt beneath.
Elaina moved toward the door, calling, “You two have fun!” Then she gave me a wink and left the room with a smile.
Adam took the seat at the desk by my computer and swiveled around to look at me. I guess we were going to hang out here for a few minutes.
“You look smashing.”
“Thanks, Adam,” I giggled. “You, too.”
“So this is your room?” He turned around on the computer chair and checked out my old-fashioned desktop computer with a large monitor that was definitely not a flat screen. “Where’d you get this dinosaur?” He laughed a little bit under his breath.
“Hey, you can’t deny free! It works just fine,” I said proudly. “My dad upgraded several years ago and for some reason kept this computer in our basement. I took it when I moved to Point last year. It’s kind of annoying, though, because he left all his files on there and so there isn’t much room for me to save my papers.”
Adam’s eyebrows rose a little. “Did you clear out all his files to make room for yours?”
“I started, but it takes so long I haven’t got much of it deleted out yet.”
“I see. A job for a rainy day, I guess.”
He got up from the chair and looked around at the pictures on the wall and the books on my shelf. I explained who some of the people were and Adam asked me a few questions about my family.