Chapter 13/Desperation
As she found herself in her bed again by this time it was going on two in the morning, she went into the void barely relaxed her need to find him strong. She pulled him towards her, she could feel him but it felt as if there was a barrier, or wall between them. She searched frantically for him, why could she feel him but not see him, she went to her place where she had first found him by his special light. Looking through the millions of stars all around her again there was one light that beckoned to her more than all the others she floated toward it.
She found herself staring at a little boy, he looked like a younger version of Daniel he was crying in a corner, he might have been 4 years old, Selah went to him immediately, as he looked up at her shyly, and then looked down, he was making pictures in the dirt in between his legs, the tears streaked across his chubby cheeks still puffy with baby fat, Selah wanted to pinch them he was so adorable, his nose began to run
“Hi, I’m Selah, what’s your name?” she asked even though she knew who this boy was; he had the same eyes that seemed to know how to look into her soul.
“Danny…I like to make mud pies but the dirt is dry here,” he said, “I wish I could get some water here to make some mud pies,” he whipped his nose making his face full of the dirt he was rubbing his hands into.
Selah thought of how the grown up version of Daniel could pull water up from the ground, “You could get some you know, there’s water everywhere in the ground you just can’t see it, there’s underground springs.”
He looked at her in disbelief, when he saw she wasn’t joking he asked her, “How do you get water to come up, show me.” He snorted all the snot he had from crying up into his sinuses obviously done with crying and proceeded to wipe it again this time with his shirts sleeve, he wiped his hands on his pants, filthy from sitting on the dirty ground. He got up and took her hand instantly trusting her, as he looked up expectantly, waiting for her to show him he water.
She took his smallish hand in her’s it was warm and sweaty, as she told him what to look for, “First we have to find someplace where there’s life,” he drew his eyebrows together not understanding.
“What’s wife?”
“Anything that needs water to live, birds, grass, insect, snakes ,caterpillars, flowers, trees they are all forms of life, we need water too. Do you know what I mean by life now, Daniel?”
“How did you know my name is Daniel, I said Danny, my mommy call’s me Daniel it’s a girly name, I like Danny better, my dad calls me Danny boy.” He looked all proud as he mentioned his dad. He was distracted already she noticed his mind wandering, “I have a fish, they need water,” he announced suddenly just as she thought she would have to explain again, he let go of her hand as he ran ahead stopping when he came to some grass growing and a few wild flowers “Sewa I found wife, see I found it, now what?” his dirty face glowing with his discovery. As Selah smiled at his attempt to say her name she loved him even more in that second, as if it was possible, she wanted to eat him up he was so cute. Now she thought how Daniel had done it she hoped she could show him, “Have you
ever pulled on something really hard, like trying to open a door or something,” she asked him.
His eyes lit up “I play tug of war with Sonny all the time,” he said “but he’s really strong, he pulls me.”
Selah was glad he understood, “Whose Sonny?”
“My dog he’s a receivers, “daddy said “He’s bigger than me,” he lifted his arm to show he was taller than him by that much.
Selah had never asked Daniel about having pets, she made a mental note to ask him about Sonny, “Ok wow he sounds really big, and does he go for walks on a leash sometimes?”
He shook his head vigorously in answer.
“Ok pretend you’re holding a leash ok, do you see it, pretend you can see it ok, close your eyes if you want,” he closed his eyes tightly and put out his hands as if he was holding a leash, “Ok now pretend you’re pulling the leash, but it’s not Sonny at the end its water and you want to lift it up out of the ground.”
She saw him peek at her curiously, “Sewa how do you pull water?”
Man he was smart one, she thought instantly about the leash being tied to a bucket, as she told him he seemed satisfied with the answer. He closed his eyes again concentrating hard to get water; she wondered what he was imagining when suddenly she felt a huge wave of water hit her directly in the face.
She sputtered and coughed as most of it had gone down her throat, clearly taken aback by his find, when she managed to actually open her eyes she saw him with the confident grin he wore all the time as his grown up self, holding the bucket of water at the end of the rope he had imagined.
She smiled as if to say I told you so, he passed her the bucket and took her hand again as he began pulling her towards where she had originally found him, “Thanks Sewa, I wike you, so ya wanna make mud pies with me?” Those eyes of his making her heart melt all over again; she wondered if she and Daniel were ever to have children if they could be an identical version of the sweet, dirty, little one in front of her now.
“I would be honoured to make mud pies with you Daniel, I mean Danny, do you think we could find some little rocks so I could put sprinkles on mine, I want to make cupcakes, not pies.”
“Sure, I never made them before but it sounds wike fun,”
They returned to their original meeting place, as Selah poured some of the water but not all and began making mud, enjoying this miracle she found, this piece of Daniel. They laughed and were soon covered from head to toe, she promised herself she would laugh like this with her Daniel again, if she had any power to pull him out of here safely she would… no matter the cost, she would pay it.
The next morning she convinced her dad to let her spend it at the hospital, she had to be near him, she had been thinking maybe she would be able to find him in the void if she actually went in when they were in close proximity to each other, she hoped it could be that simple. She had truly enjoyed her time with little Danny, but she needed Daniel back.
As she arrived at the hospital she found Daniel’s mom sitting on the chair close to his bed, she looked exhausted, Selah asked her “Do you want me to go to the cafeteria and get some coffee for you?”
As Cece saw her she stood and stretched her body, “That chair looks comfy but after not moving in it for the pass few hours I feel like my whole body is seizing, that’s a great idea but let me go down the walk will do me some good, do you want any Selah?”
Selah shook her head “Any more news?” her tone edged with all the hope she could muster.
Cece touched her arm gently, “It’s a waiting game now, they fixed whatever was broken and he’s all scraped and bruised but otherwise they’re just waiting for the swelling to subside and for him to regain consciousness, it will be alright I have a good feeling he’s gonna come back to us.”
Selah hoped she was right, she sat down next to him on the starched white hospital bed. She had begun to hate the smell of the disinfectant they used everywhere in the hospital, she seemed to equate it with bad times now. She hoped if she had to visit the hospital for anything else in the future it could be for something happy for once, a baby would be nice she thought.
He looked so still he had tubes coming out from everywhere and she couldn’t see his mesmerizing eyes, they were closed. She traced her fingers along his palm, then up his fingers, all the while she spoke to him, “Daniel I know you can hear me, no matter what I’m going to find you, if you can see me somehow if you’re in there squeeze my hand, or move your fingers…” she didn’t really expect anything to happen but she was hopeful, always hopeful, she imagined him waking and giving her his crooked grin she loved so.
She hoped wishing would make it come true, she prayed it would. She wished she knew how to go into the void while awake something told her it was possible, she wanted to try. She explained what she was going to try to Daniel, if he could hear her he would hopefully be close by if
she managed to do it.
She concentrated as best as she could and tried to focus on a spot above Daniel’s bed, she let her eyes go all out of focus while still concentrating on the same spot, her eyes watered and she had to blink back tears, this had to work she had to reach him. As she settled in one more time she became distracted again thinking about the accident and hoping he had lost consciousness before he slammed into the pavement, she had gone by the scene of the accident this morning and was shocked at how far he had been thrown from the bike.
Cece returned with a coffee and a muffin, she saw Selah with the tears in her eyes and thought she had been crying, “Ah Selah honey, he looks really bad but his body isn’t broken we just have to wake him up, don’t cry, I keep forgetting everything you’ve been through these past few months, you know if you ever need to talk I’m here for you, the way Danny talks about you I feel like you’re part of the family already.”
As soon as she said Danny, Selah could picture the little boy from last night, “Did Daniel make mud pies when he was little?” she asked suddenly wondering.
Cece smile and got a faraway look as if she could still picture him back then, “They were his absolute favorite things, he would get so mad if it didn’t rain for a while.”
She laughed softly. “Until I put a little plastic pool in the back yard and let him have at it with a bucket, I don’t think he ever swam in it once, Jack would fill it for him every couple of days in the really hot weather.
“I bet he was cute always full of mud”
“Cute! Yeah, he was adorable the mess wasn’t”
She paused reminiscing “He was the only kid on the block with a mud pit instead of a sand box, he could spend hours decorating mud he called them cupcakes, adding coloured stones on top and then he would put grass…I had forgotten all that, he must of told you about his mud pies, I’m surprised he remembered I had all but forgotten.”
Selah just smiled in response as Cece took it for a yes, he had made cupcakes she pondered if it had anything to do with their meeting and her idea for them, it couldn’t be, had it been Daniel’s memory or did she actually go back in time somehow to when he was that age.
That could pose many a problem if he was trapped in time somehow. It couldn’t be… how could the void actually be connected to time? It did seem to go slower when she was in there she realized she could spend hours over there and go back into her body and feel completely rested the next morning. She was perplexed suddenly, and she would have to find out more information that was sure, she would have to go back into the void as soon as possible, with Cece there it wasn’t a good time to try and zone out. She stayed with her as long as she could; they had lunch together as they continued to talk about Daniel when he was younger.
Cece promised Selah she would bring some old picture albums of him to the hospital, Selah agreed that would be a good idea to help the time go by faster. She then asked Cece “Do you mind if I stay with him at night, I think I can convince dad and then I can still be with him then go to school, and maybe you can go back to work. I can call you if there’s any changes.” She realized she was pushing her luck, as she let the idea linger in the air.
Cece looked at her, she has thought to take time off work but Selah idea did present her with a solution of how to do both, she did have some time off coming to her but if Daniel needed some home care upon going home she could take it then, “How about I talk to your dad first and see what he says then we’ll see ok,” she hugged Selah tightly “thanks I know how much you two care about each other. And it’s good to have someone to lean on; I’m so used to having Daniel close, since his dad died…and I always wanted a girl.” She held onto Selah hands and looked at her earnestly.
Selah smiled wide trying to reassure her the only way she could, she wasn’t very good with words and she had gone blank suddenly, muttering only “Thanks, that would be great,” she wasn’t ready yet for someone to replace her mom, and didn’t think she would ever be, even for a short time.
Later that evening her dad confirmed the conversation with Cece and all was set for Selah to spend the night at the hospital, they had even arranged for a cot to be put inside his room so she could get some sleep. Selah took a shower and packed a small bag, she had her toothbrush along with a book in case she couldn’t drift off.
Cece was going to go back to work she would be two floor up on the maternity ward; Selah would be going in around 8 pm. Soon after Cece left to begin her 12 hr. shift in the maternity ward, she was a bit nervous knowing what she was going to try to accomplish, and at the same time hopeful.
As she arrived at the hospital she felt confident she would have a breakthrough with Daniel tonight it was a gut feeling she couldn’t put words to. She settled in slowly as she watched the machines monitoring his progress or lack thereof, his face looked a bit better his scrapes looked to be scabbing over some and the swelling had gone down.
A nurse came in to take his vitals, she smiled sweetly at Selah and asked her if she needed anything, she showed how she worked on Daniel’s muscles and went through range of motion exercises with Daniel’s extremities to help with circulation and so his muscles wouldn’t atrophy from lack of movement.
As Selah helped the nurse move his ankles, knees and hips, she saw the muscles in his legs from all the years of hockey flex and constrict, she felt how truly vulnerable Daniel really was as this point, he was usually so full of life and strong she could still picture how he had stormed in and saved her without question, and here he was now lifeless not even able to move his legs whatsoever. As she inhaled deeply, her confidence of earlier settled deep inside as she felt the magnitude of his situation rest on her shoulders, she just had to find him in the void, she had to…
She wished she could see his penetrating grey eye just once more, to give her the strength she needed to overcome her fears of inadequacy which threatened her sanity. She decided to pretend for a while, Daniel was just sleeping and he would wake soon, she sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his arm like they had rubbed his legs, he was still gorgeous to her even with a lot of skin missing, as she looked at him lovingly gently rubbing his uninjured parts.
“Daniel wow you know I never imagined I would have such freedom to be able to rub you anywhere I wanted,” she whispered to him. “You give new meaning to the beauty of god’s creations, ya know.”
She took a deep breath “You have to meet me tonight ok, I’m going to try my best to find you in the void, I know you can hear me, and you’ll wait for me. Please Daniel be there waiting for me.”
The remainder of the evening went by slowly as Selah pondered how she could pull him out, she hoped he was reachable, if she encountered Danny again…well it would make things so much more difficult for her, but she would persevere regardless of the obstacles in her way.
As the nurses did their final rounds for the night Selah settled in to the cot besides his bed, there were so many strange noises she had difficulty relaxing in the strange atmosphere but after considerable effort she felt herself release the tension. Slowly slipping inside the void, as she concentrated on her surroundings of the hospital room, and found herself there once again. The lay out of the room was very similar but the bed was empty of life, she began calling Daniel’s name, determined with each of her strides around the room. She willed him to her like she had done so many times before hoping to find the slightly broken man she had just left in the dreary hospital room.
She felt the room shimmer and shift slightly she saw him sitting in a chair in the corner he was different, younger her memory was rattled for a second this was the Daniel she had saw so many years ago, his hair was longer and he was reading a book. She called his name again, he looked up slightly his grey eyes piercing hers questioning her.
“How did you find me?” he was definitely puzzled by his expression.
As she looked at him he looked around thirteen or so, she had never realized he had kept his hair long for years. She preferred th
e short hair he bore now, but it took a lot more than a hairdo to diminish his features, and the eyes she had longed to gaze into. She walked to him apprehensively hoping he would give her a warm reception as she got down on her knees before him and hugged him to her.
Daniel was shocked how did she know him thing were all wrong and she looked as if she were older than him it made no sense; it took him all of a few seconds to put his arms around her and return the sentiments. She smelled like heaven and felt good too; he dropped his book as her felt his blood rising as the feelings that arose with having such close physical contact with her.
“Do you know why you’re here Daniel?” she asked the concern in her voice prevalent.
“What do you mean?” as he pulled away from her embrace suddenly embarrassed.
“You’re in a hospital does it hurt anywhere, are you alright?”
He looked at her not understanding he was in the hospital he looked around his surrounding and saw suddenly she was right as he turned his head he felt a sharp shooting pain in his head.
Selah watched as he winced from the pain suddenly “You were in a motorcycle accident, you hurt your head really bad. Maybe you should lie down.” She helped him to the bed.
Daniel did feel woozy suddenly motorcycle wow… he had always wanted to ride one. He must of really hit his head because she was older than him, he mustered up the courage and asked her, “How old are you, why are you older than me, I’m older than you I’m sure.” He held onto his head the pain getting worse by the minute.
“You are older than me, your nineteen already I’m sixteen, you just had a birthday not too long ago.”
“I’m only fourteen, your wrong, my head hurts a lot and I’m tired I just wanna lay down, can you stay with me, I like being with you… you’re so pretty.” He looked down blushing at his frankness suddenly.
“I’ll be here for you as long as you like Daniel,” she held onto his hand and looked deep into his eyes where was her Daniel now, why wasn’t he here, she didn’t want to show how frustrated she was, she had such high hopes she could help him wake if she could find him here. Finding again a younger version of him left her bewildered as to how to convince him of what was happening in the present.
This Daniel told her about how he loved hockey and playing the guitar, he had a sadness in his eyes she had never seen before, she went out on a limb and asked him “Are you sad about something, you have a different look in your eyes.”
He looked away his expression pained he said nothing for a long time, Selah gave him all the space she could “I was thinking how my dad used to come watch me play hockey…he died a little over a year ago,” his bottom lip trembled his grief so fresh still.
Selah thought of how she had found her mom here in the void, “I lost my mom a few months ago so I know how you feel, I was able to see her here though, in the void, and do you think you could find your dad?”
Daniel’s eyes brightened suddenly as hope filled his eyes, “You think I could find him, how?”
She explained how she had pulled Daniel to her that night her need to find him; she suggested he should wait until he felt better though. He promised her he would she saw he was getting very tired his eyes began to droop as the spoke. She wanted so desperately to tell him to just go back inside his body to slide back and forget about his dad he was doing fine without him, but realised how heartless she would sound to this young boy.
“Are you going to slide back into yourself soon? Go back to the real world?”
He looked at her as if she had suddenly grown two heads and she was hideous, Selah saw that he thought he was in the real world this was his reality as of now, she wanted to scream, shake him, do something to get him out of this mind set, then it dawned on her she would somehow have to bring him out herself.
Selah told him “I have to go but I promise I’ll be back soon, tomorrow.” she bent down and kissed him not caring that he was a much younger version of the real thing.
Daniel froze from the shock of her lips on his, and then he fumbled trying to kiss her back. Lord she missed her Daniel, his confidence and assertiveness was sorely lacking in this version. She slowly said her goodbyes and let him be; she drifted and went back to her body lying on the tiny cot in Daniel’s hospital room. She awoke as soon as she was whole again; she sat up and stretched herself out next to her beloved. She had to be near him, she put her head against his chest listening to the steady beats of his heart. She dozed off listening to the hypnotising sound.
Back in the void the creator looked on, watching the young girl trying to convince the boy to wake up and return to the real world, he was confused and didn’t respond well. The girl had gotten a frustrated look upon her face at his responses, but no sooner had she reacted that a determined look crossed her face; the creator in that very moment knew the wheels of time had been set in motion. He had seen that look before from her and nothing would surpass it until she accomplished what she so desired. She was so breathtakingly beautiful and she hadn’t even gotten close coming into her own. It was only a matter of time now, she would figure it all out, this was her destiny after all and she had come this far of her own free will, nothing would stop her now. He hadn’t been this excited for ages, she would prove them all wrong, and they all thought she would choose differently. But he had always known he had been studying the way humans reacted since the very beginning and there was one emotion that could sustain some during depressions and famines, regardless of class or stature, it was what they all ultimately sought. And it could make them do incredible feats to obtain it; Selah would do what no other had yet to do… for that one thing, love.
She woke as she heard the rustle of feet along the tile floor, she had drooled all over Daniel’s chest, she wiped the side of her face and lifted her head Cece was there brushing the hair out of Daniel’s eyes.
“I didn’t mean to wake you honey, you looked so peaceful all cuddled up to him, I had a break and I thought I would come check on him, any change,” she asked.
Selah took a minute to get herself on track, she was slightly disoriented being not really awake. “No, nothing changed yet,” she looked at Daniel and was sure he had a smile on his face. “Is he smiling?”
“It sure looks that way, it could be a reflex though, I’m afraid it isn`t anything to get too excited about.”
Selah sighed, “Cece how long could he be in a coma, truthfully?”
Cece looked at her for a long time before she answered her, “There’s so many factors at play here it’s difficult to say…”
Selah saw the run around she was getting but stayed quiet contemplating her answer.
As Cece saw the sincerity in Selah’s face as she looked at her baby boy, he was so helpless if she actually admitted to Selah his chances then it meant actually uttering the words. She knew if she voiced her fears it made then all the more real, she was in her own state of denial, he was all she had left and she couldn’t face losing him. Not in death, but to never have him return to hear his laugh, be able to look into his intelligent grey eyes, have him tease her mercilessly, she wasn’t ready to admit that possibility.
That was what Selah wanted to hear, the different possibilities; she took her hand “It’s out of our hands now, Selah, I think we should do a lot of praying that he comes back to us, picture him as he always was and wish for it to be.”
Selah knew Cece was right, it also gave her a idea for the next time she went to the void to find him, she would imagine him as he had always been, it just might work if she concentrated hard enough. “That’s a good idea, praying, I will tell my whole family to.”
Cece looked at her watch and bent down and kissed his forehead, “Love you baby, get better and come back to us.”
Selah snuggled up to him again, the warmth of his body against hers was comforting; she put her hand in his, wrapping their fingers together. She thought about the first time their hands had touched in the café, he had held her hand longer than necessary.
She tried to envision how she could bring him back when she found him inside the void, regardless if he was himself or a younger version she would have to somehow convince him to comeback with her. She truly didn’t know if it was possible to bring someone back, I mean if she could wouldn’t she somehow bring back her mom, but then again she didn’t have a body to come back to, whereas Daniel did. And according to his mom and the nurses his body was banged up a bit and bruised but otherwise good to go, he had been extremely lucky to say the least.
Selah suddenly decided to try something totally off the wall. She began to picture her body as pure energy, like inside the void as fire or water or earth. She could feel every molecule as she began to disassemble herself, she envisioned herself as blue energy, wafting from her all her pores, and she was all energy. And energy was invisible she could be invisible; she calmed her center and only saw the liquidity of the energy inside herself. Her body was but a shell, and it too was made of pure energy.
She could feel herself getting lighter, almost weightless, she imagined the energy releasing and moving from one place to another, she remembered the feeling of sliding while in the void, this was very similar to that. The weightlessness, fluidity of movement, she tried to jump into the void directly or actually throwing her life force towards the place inside of her that opened to that other worldly plane.
She released the force inside of herself, suddenly she felt something crashing to the floor and had a weird sensation in her arm, as she opened her eyes and saw she wasn’t on the bed anymore, and she had actually moved to the chair. She had a section of the chair actually half in and half out of her arm, it was grotesque looking and Selah gasped in shock and pulled, her arm sliding effortlessly out, as if it had been a completely natural occurrence.
She knew now she would have to somehow bring Daniel across in this same way she could not have him there, thinking everything was normal and that he was home. What she had just done should of scared the hell out of her, but it did the opposite encouraging her to steam roll ahead trying to get him out.
She once again tried to focus and center herself, imagining herself in the void, she was awake so the process was slightly different, she had to be completely relaxed but also in control, focused, what had just happened left her excited about the possibility of physically pulling him out, she knew she had to practice what she had just done. She hoped it all wasn’t just a fluke of sorts.
She slowed her breathing she could feel her heart calming, slower the beats a fraction of the time they had been, this time she focused on Daniel instead hoping that would bring them together. She felt herself as energy once more as a wave this time she was a signal in the air, a current, she could travel like light or sound. She was weightless again she tried to picture herself sliding inside the void but came across a wall, she slid as if she were water looking for a gap trying to squeeze into the smallest hole or crack but found none, she kept searching but it was useless.
So she then tried to focus purely on Daniel instead and pulled herself to him, she felt him, his outline. She let go of her concentration and suddenly felt the weight fall back into herself she opened her eyes and saw she was actually right on top of him in his bed, she could hear him moaning, she rolled off the bed just as a nurse entered wondering what all the noise was about.
Selah was on the floor next to her cot, the nurse came up to her suddenly “Are you alright did you fall off the bed, did you hurt yourself? “She grumbled.
Selah felt embarrassed by her actions as she apologized for disrupting her from her work, “I’m fine thanks, the cot is small I’m used to a big bed, I guess I move around a lot.” Her face was flushed from the lie, she hated lying. The nurse looked at Selah as if she knew she was lying, and then mumbled something incoherent under her breath as she strolled out.
Selah resigned herself to stop trying tonight to enter the void awake, she would instead actually try to get some sleep. She snuggled up once more next to Daniel, she didn’t care if the nurse was grouchy, she was going to get as close as she could to him until they told her she couldn’t. She listened to his heart beat again this time she was exhausted all the work she had done trying to get into the void had drained her, she fell almost instantly into a deep dreamless sleep.
Parallel (Prophesied a spirit within,Book I) Page 15