by Lacey London
As we get closer to home, the car seems to slow down to a snail’s pace until we eventually come to a stop outside Blossom View. Looking out of the window, I stare at my beautiful cottage, not moving a muscle. I should be itching to get in there. I should be relieved to get out of yesterday’s clothes and into my own bed, but something is stopping me. Something doesn’t want me to get out of this car and if I really listen to my instincts, it’s because I know that this is it. Once I walk through that door, I probably won’t see him again. Our journey stops right here. This is where our time together ends.
Reluctantly picking up my handbag, I unclip my seatbelt and reach for the door handle, not daring to look directly at Aidan.
‘Thank you so much, Sadie.’ He mumbles, a tone to his voice I haven’t heard before.
‘You’ve already thanked me.’ I whisper sadly, looking down into my lap. ‘Besides, it’s my job…’
‘No, no it’s not.’ Aidan shakes his head and swivels around in his seat. ‘It’s not your job to give up your free time. It’s not your job to care about a stranger as though they’re your own family and it’s not your job to be the kindest, most genuine, caring person I have ever met.’
A lump forms in my throat as my bottom lip starts to tremble.
‘You don’t give yourself enough credit.’ Placing his hand on my shoulder, he pulls me towards him. ‘The world would be a better place if there were more people like you in it.’
Reaching across the seat, I hug him tightly, not wanting to ever let go. A single tear slips down my cheek, landing in a pool on his shoulder. There’s a moment where neither of us breathe a word, the deathly silence speaking volumes.
‘So, New Zealand?’ I manage, sniffing in a poor bid to compose myself.
‘New Zealand.’ Aidan confirms quietly, resting his arm on the steering wheel and staring out at the open road. ‘And from there, who knows?’
I nod along and resign myself to the fact that it’s time to say goodbye. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to smile and grab my bag.
‘Goodbye, Aidan.’
Bringing his eyes up to meet mine, he nods and returns my weak attempt at a smile. ‘Goodbye, Sadie.’
Stepping out of the car, I hesitate before closing the door. ‘If you ever find yourself back in Cheshire, I’ll still be here and I’ll probably still have a whole lot of building work that needs to be done.’
Aidan nods and looks down at his ring finger as I close the door and begrudgingly walk up the garden path. Sliding my key into the lock, I pause and look over my shoulder. Aidan raises his hand and turns over the engine, clearly waiting for me to step inside before he leaves. Waving back at him, I ignore the sadness in my stomach and step inside, allowing the door to close with a thud behind me.
Leaning against the wall, I stand frozen to the spot, not really knowing what to do with myself. Eventually hearing the car pull away, I force myself to wander into the living room and hit the flashing button on the answering machine. Aldo’s angry voice floods into the room and I collapse onto the couch as I listen to the many frustrated voicemails. Before I have the chance to hit redial, there’s a knock at the door.
A frisson of adrenaline rushes through me as I realise it could be Aidan. Pulling open the door, my smile vanishes as I see Aldo standing there and not Aidan as I’d hoped.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ He demands, picking up a cat crate from the floor and pushing past me. ‘I’ve been going out of my mind with worry!’
‘I’m so sorry…’ I begin, unlocking the crate and freeing Mateo to pad around the living room.
‘Sorry isn’t good enough!’ Aldo booms, folding his arms angrily.
‘Didn’t you get my text message?’ Pulling Mateo onto my lap, I curl up into a ball and flick on the television. ‘I tried to call you…’
‘Yes, I got the bloody message… at seven this morning! I was awake all night worrying about you! I nearly called the police!’ Pacing up and down around the living room, he throws his arms in the air dramatically. ‘I knew it was a bad idea going down there with that creep. I knew it…’
‘Will you calm down, please?’ I groan, rubbing my tired eyes. ‘We had some car trouble, so we were already delayed and then the storm came in. There was no signal in the forest, hence why I couldn’t contact you, but look, I’m safe, there’s no harm done.’
‘You do know you’ve missed Ruby, don’t you?’ He retorts, tapping his freshly-manicured nails on the fireplace. ‘She was devastated when she couldn’t get in touch with you.’
‘I’ve seen her. I went straight to the airport as soon as I received her messages.’ I explain, hoping this will calm him down an iota.
‘Oh…’ Aldo narrows his eyes at me and throws his hair over his shoulder. ‘Anyway, I don’t like you going off with random men like that. Please don’t make a habit of it.’
Kicking off my shoes, I cross my legs and run my fingers through Mateo’s fur. ‘There’s no reason to worry about that, because Aidan’s gone. I won’t be seeing him again.’
Aldo frowns and takes a seat next to me. ‘Well, that’s good to know as you have your date with Pierce on Friday and five days isn’t long to get you ready to meet the man of your dreams.’
I smile back at him nervously, my interest in this date is pretty much non-existent.
‘I’m going to come over on Thursday and get you ready. I’m talking nails, hair, facial…’
As Aldo rambles off his plans to make me date-worthy, I find my mind wandering back to Surrey. To the chat on the embankment, to the magical moment in the forest, to the babbling brook and to the laughter in the pub. Aidan has set himself free. He’s finally detached himself from the grief that was destroying his life, so why am I not happy for him? Why do I feel so empty and hollow? And more worryingly, why do I feel as though I’ve lost him, when he wasn’t mine to keep…
Chapter 32
Looking at the release cushion as it is passed around the circle, I smile at Alec as he accepts the red pillow from the woman on his left.
‘Believe it or not, I actually have something good to say today.’ Sitting up straight, his eyes sparkle as he speaks.
‘As many of you know, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for such a long time. Most of my ups and downs have been discussed in this very room. It’s no secret that there have been more downs than ups, but this week I am feeling good.’
He pauses and takes a sip from his bottle of water.
‘We’re always so quick to take the cushion and pour our hearts out about how terrible we have been feeling, but many of us seem to keep quiet about the times when we feel well.’
Intrigued by his point, I lean forward in my seat and nod along as Alec explains further.
‘Anxiety often comes over me with no warning and this week, I have experienced a similar thing. But instead of the crippling worry, I have been hit with an inexplicable sense of being carefree.’
A small round of applause erupts and he waits for it to subside before continuing.
‘Just to be clear, I’m not implying that I’m now free of anxiety. My point is, instead of taking the moments where we’re feeling good for granted, we should grasp them with both hands and cherish every second.’
Another round of applause starts up and this time, I join in.
‘Alec has raised a fabulous point here. We are all aware that anxiety comes in waves, but so many of us focus only on the bad times and totally discount the good. However, the good times are an example of our control over anxiety.’ I shift around to get comfortable and smile at the faces staring back at me.
‘When we feel at our lowest, all our memories of the times where we have felt perfectly fine evaporate, but as Alec has just said, we should always remember our good days. These times remind us that the anxiety we’re experiencing is only temporary. It has passed us before and it will pass again. No one feeling is permanent.’
A lady in red at the far end of the circle raises her
hand and I motion for her to speak up.
‘I started to realise that I only turned to my diary when I was struggling and as a result, it was filled with sadness and negativity. Tiring of flicking through page after page of bad memories, I decided to buy myself another diary.’
Reaching into her handbag, she pulls out two identical notepads, one red and one silver.
‘When I have had a good day, I write in the silver and when anxiety hits, I write in the red. Now, when I’m feeling down, I will grab the silver diary and read through all the good times I’ve had. Just reminding myself that things will get better gives me hope that the anxiety isn’t forever.’
A few people mutter in agreement and I silently remark at how true that is.
‘Separating the good days from the bad has also helped me to recognise what triggers my anxiety. More often than not, triggers aren’t always clear to see when you’re under a cloud. I’ve found it extremely useful to look back over my notes when I’m in the right frame of mind and assess them clearly. Sometimes, it’s only when we take a step back that we can see what was right in front of us all along.’
Completely lost in her words, I almost don’t realise people are waiting for me to speak. Hastily clearing my throat, I snap back to the task at hand.
‘Diaries are another great idea and something which we should discuss in further detail at the next meeting.’ I reply, quickly realising that we’re almost out of time. ‘Unfortunately, our time is almost up…’
Alec coughs and raises his hand to interject. ‘Sadie, can I ask you a question before we leave?’
‘Of course.’ I raise my eyebrows at him and smile. ‘You can ask me anything.’
Alec studies my face carefully and frowns. ‘How are you? Day after day, we sit here and you ask us how we’re doing. You listen whilst we pour our hearts out to you, but we never ask how you are.’
Touched by his kind thought, I lick my dry lips and shake my head. ‘It doesn’t really work that way…’
‘Well, today it does.’ He smiles and passes me the release cushion. ‘I’m not asking you as our counsellor. I’m asking you as our friend.’
My heart swells as I look around the room of people who I’ve become so fond of.
‘I’m okay.’ I reply, forcing myself to smile back at them. ‘I’m doing really…’
Hearing the words slip out of my mouth, I realise I’m doing the exact opposite of what I encourage these brave people to do. I’m lying. I’m putting on a front to hide how I’m really feeling.
‘You know what?’ I take a deep breath and feel my shoulders become instantly lighter. ‘I’m actually feeling a little rubbish today, but just like you guys, I am still here. I am still fighting and I live to face another day.’
‘What has triggered you into feeling low?’ Alec presses, listening intently to my every word.
‘I’m not too sure.’ I reply, as an image of Aidan jumps into my mind. ‘I guess I’m just having a bad day.’
Suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable at having the tables turned on me, I glance at my watch and stand up.
‘Thank you all for coming. Don’t forget about the forum if you find yourselves struggling before the next meeting.’
The majority of people in the room stand to their feet and start chatting amongst themselves, but Alec stares at me seemingly unconvinced.
‘Have you ever made an unhappiness list?’ He asks, plucking my jacket from the back of my seat and holding it out.
‘An unhappiness list?’ I repeat in confusion, accepting the denim jacket from him.
Alec nods and follows me into the lobby. ‘You make a list of everything in your life that makes you unhappy and then you decide how to rectify it.’ He explains, straightening out his collar. ‘So many people make bucket lists. They have list after list detailing all the things they need in order to make them happy, but they rarely take a moment to recognise the things they already have that make them unhappy. More often than not, you will realise what you do want in your life, by removing what you don’t.’
I nod along and lean against the information stand. ‘Thanks, Alec. That’s definitely food for thought.’
With a final wink, he picks up his briefcase and disappears into the car park. Lost in my own thoughts, I wait for the rest of the group to leave before making my way outside. My bucket list must be one of the shortest in history, so why does it feel so unattainable? Delving into the depths of my handbag, I finally locate the tatty piece of paper beneath a mountain of chewing gum wrappers. Smoothing down the corners, I take in the words on the page. Be happy. It’s just two little words, but those two words hold so much meaning.
Tapping the paper against my fingers, I wonder what is preventing me from feeling as though I’ve achieved my one goal in life. What is standing in my way and more importantly, what’s missing?
Chapter 33
Tapping my pen against the notepad, I take a sip of wine and frown at the blank page in front of me. An unhappiness list sounds so simple in theory, but I haven’t been able to come up with a single point. Does that mean my life is perfect? Moonlight floods into the kitchen, illuminating my makeshift desk in a bright light as I chew over that very question. I can think of a million things that do make me happy. Blossom View, Mateo, Aldo, Ruby, my job, but what makes me unhappy is a different story.
Swirling wine around my glass, I watch Mateo paw the rug and rack my brains for the last time I felt deeply unhappy. The day I bumped into my mother and told her I loved her made me feel pretty awful. Telling anyone you love them and not hearing it back with meaning always hurts, but when it’s your own mother, the pain goes much deeper. Would I be a happier person if my mum and I had a better relationship? I pause for a moment, before writing mum on the paper.
Taking the notepad with me, I stroll into the living room and collapse onto the couch with my wine. My gaze lands on the patch of damp in the corner and I recall Aidan’s advice.
Ignoring the problem is just intensifying the problem. The longer you leave it, the worse it will become.
Adding damp to my list, I come to the conclusion I don’t really have anything to feel sad about. On paper, things are going rather well. I have a great job, I’ve just bought a beautiful home and I have fabulous friends. The emptiness I am feeling just doesn’t make any sense. What is missing from my life to fill the sudden void inside me?
Abandoning the unhappiness list, I push myself up as my phone rings in the kitchen. Peering at the screen, my lips spring into a smile as I see Ruby’s name flashing back at me. Hitting the green icon, I let out a gasp as the display springs to life.
‘Hi!’ Ruby exclaims, pushing her sunglasses into her hair and waving at the screen manically. ‘Check this out…’
‘Oh, my goodness!’ I breathe, clasping my hands over my mouth in awe.
The sparkling blue ocean dances under the bright sunshine, creating a dazzling display on the horizon behind her.
‘The beaches here are insane!’ Reaching down, she grabs a handful of sand and lets it fall through her fingers like powder.
‘I can see that!’ I reply, laughing at how excited she is. ‘Are you having a good time?’
‘I’m having an amazing time!’ Diving onto a sun lounger, she positions her handset into the sand. ‘It’s better than I ever imagined.’
‘I’m so happy to hear that you’re enjoying yourself.’ Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as my heart fills with pride. ‘I knew you would. You just had to have the confidence to believe in yourself…’
Ruby smiles knowingly and turns to look at the turquoise water. ‘I did have a slight wobble on the plane, but I managed to shake it off pretty quickly.’
‘You should remember that as an example of your control over Frank.’ I reply proudly. ‘If you ever have a moment of uncertainty, just think back to that time on the plane.’
She adjusts her swimsuit and nods in response. ‘I’ve told the other guys on the trip about my anxiety and th
ey’ve all been so lovely about it…’
As Ruby proceeds to tell me about her new friends, I marvel at the remarkable change in her. This, right now, is evidence of just how well counselling works and how anxiety can be beaten. Just six months ago, Ruby had never contemplated following her dreams. The overpowering fear of anxiety put a firm halt on any plans she dared to make, but despite Frank’s attempts at sabotaging her trip, she is living her life to the full.
Just like Aidan, she has had that life-changing moment. She’s embracing the world rather than hiding from it. The turning point where you decide your fears aren’t going to control you anymore is pivotal for any sufferer. So many of us allow our anxiety to keep us in a box, too afraid to step out of it for fear of what might happen. When the truth is, nothing will happen. We just need to find the courage within us to take that leap of faith and break free.
‘We’re all going down to the local fish fry tonight!’ Ruby squeals, allowing the warm water to wash over her toes. ‘They have music, local produce and dancing! Isn’t that cool?’
‘Very cool.’ I smile back at her as someone shouts her name in the distance.
Covering the speaker with her hand, she motions for to them to leave her on the beach.
‘Go and enjoy yourself!’ I giggle, finishing my wine in one swift gulp. ‘It’s about time I was heading for bed, anyway.’
Scrambling to her feet, she shakes the sand out of her hair and slips on her sunglasses. ‘Okay, but I’ll call again in a couple of days.’
Waving goodbye, she blows a kiss at the screen and races along the shore as the display bounces to black. For a while, I lean against the counter, a lovely warmth whooshing through my veins from speaking to Ruby. Seeing people kick anxiety to the kerb is my favourite part of the job and it gets better each and every time it happens.