“And you’re written in our documents as one of his guardians, correct?” he elicits another garbled response and she continues in her rehearsed voice. “Early this morning, he passed away.”
There’s the sound of rushing water and then the wind blowing and the flowers brushing against one another. There’s the sound of a beating heart and soft words that are spoken as quietly as the day and Kael feels himself drifting, floating in that moment of bliss before it all comes at him in a single blow like a car or a train racing with emotions.
“Is that Kael on the phone?” Janus asks, his voice static in the background. “Can I see the phone? Let me see it. I need to speak with him.” His voice grew nearer and then suddenly there was a click and then a shuffle and the sound of his voice. “Kael, I need you to listen to me and I need you to breathe.” He says softly, his voice wavering. “Kael? Kael? Are you there?” Janus asks his panic rising. “Kael!”
“I’m…I’m here.” Janus sighs. “I didn’t want for this to happen, you did—”
“No…thank you.”
“Kael, do you need me to come over?” He shakes his head even though Janus couldn’t see him and replies lightly. “No, I’ll be fine.” The words croak out of his throat and he chokes down a sob. “I just—I’m going to hang up.”
“Kael…”
“Let me hang up, Janus. Let me hurt so I can heal.” Janus doesn’t speak, instead he cuts the line and Kael holds his phone tightly in his hand.
His legs tremble and he staggers forward, his hand coming out to rest against the mattress. His phone slips from his fingers and he takes in a deep breath, his jaw quivering. “Mmngh…” he clamps a hand over his mouth and his shoulders bob up and down. The words didn’t have to be spoken, not when Aiden was always on his mind. He clutches the blankets on his bed and struggles to keep himself up. He couldn’t fall.
“Show the world the Kael I know.”
He had to rise.
“You’re beautiful.”
For himself. For Aiden.
“You can’t fall, Kael.” He says to himself and he takes a slow breath and slowly he releases the blankets from his grasp. He straightens up and looks to Skye’s notebook. “I’m so sorry.” He gasps. “I’m so sorry, so so sorry.” He apologizes profusely as the tears come in cascading trickles.
Like all good things; they come silently and leave just as quietly.
“Aiden Kim, aged 22. Time of death: November 1st 11:42AM.”
And people wonder why they come in the first place? Why they don’t just exist on their own…
Mrs. Kim takes her husbands hand in hers and squeezes.
It’s not like they choose to exist the way that they do—they are just the types of people that touch the world without trying.
She turns away as they tug the white blanket over his body, covering his chest and then his face.
Aiden touches Kael and Kael touches an entire country and the country will touch the entire world. It only takes such a person—such a quiet, pure person to make such a big change.
And that change will last forever and they will never be forgotten.
The Greenhouse
Every time I think of you, I discover something new. You enchant me, young prince, my brother would rather enjoy your company. Maybe someday you two could meet.
Someday…
Skye K
Thursday Morning
The sky is gray and the air is chilly; there is no movement within the castle and all is still except time. Time which keeps churning and moving on, paying no respect to the deceased or pausing for their pain. Today is the ex-King’s funeral and Kael stands quietly in his room dressed in all black from head to toe. The suit he wore made him seem older, taller and more mature—made him seem like the new King, a king that grieved for the past. It was 8:30AM and it seemed that any moment now it would start snowing. Any moment…
Tmp tmp tmp—there’s a knock on his room door and he glances over his shoulder and calls for the person to come in. The door creaks open and his mother’s delicate figure slips into the room. “The car’s waiting.” She announces and Kael nods tugging on the cuff links of his suit jacket. “Okay, I’ll be down in a moment.”
“The press…is waiting outside.”
“Can’t you tell them to go away?” He asks, his tone nearing agitation, she shakes her head. “They’re grieving too Kael, you may not have admired your father as much as they have, but he meant a lot to them.” His mother says quickly, her voice a faint whisper. Kael doesn’t reply, he turns around to fully face her and asks. “How long is the ceremony expected to last?”
“Around,” she pauses to think. “Around two hours.” Kael sighs. “Two hours?” he drags a hand down his face, taking in a deep breath and glancing towards the window. The sky seemed grayer, there were no clouds and yet the air seemed to be filled with smoke. He looks towards his mother again and asks. “Is the crown in the casket with him?” She nods. “Yes, they cleaned….the blood off it and it looks brand new. Bright and shiny as though he was never shot and his body—oh—my son,” his mother begins to ramble and Kael realized that if he didn’t stop her soon, she’d go crazy. “They cleaned him up, no holes, no blood, no nothing, they—”
“Mom,” he places a hand to her small shoulder. “Stop it.” She lifts her head to look into her sons eyes and she steps towards him so that she could place her head to his chest. “It’s just you and me now…” she wraps her arms around Kael’s broad back. “…only you and me…”
When they made it downstairs and towards the front doors, Kael could see through the glass windows. There were so many people, so very many people that had come to see what? A family drama? A TV soap of some sort? Were they entertained by his and his mother’s sorrow? Suddenly he felt angry and without thinking he opens the front doors. The camera flashes briefly blind him and he shields his eyes. “People of Melia!” he still had the morality in him to address them as people and not as gossip-column-whoremongers. He squints against the camera flashes, reaching back so that his mother could take his hand. “This is a time to mourn for the deceased, not to be entertained by it.”
“Your majesty what are you feeling right now?”
“The Queen! Will you try to find a new lover?!” Kael’s mother tightly clasps her sons hand and together they descend down the front steps; as the reporters swarm around them, a group of bodyguards assist Kael and the Queen to their car. The flashing, the yelling, the questions and the stillness—Kael felt as though he was about to go mad. Stop it. Just stop it! He didn’t realize how tightly he was holding onto his mother’s hand, because she too was holding him just as tightly. “Right this way.” A well-built body guard says, pointing to the direction of their car, which was also black, to fit the mood Kael guessed. “Make way, make way!” another bodyguard shouts at the mass of people. Kael and his mother break free from the crowd and two guards hurry to the car to open the door for them. Kael lets his mother slide in first and then he quickly follows after her. They were still holding each other’s hands, panting heavily as they stared out of the car window at the many people. “We should’ve…gone through the garden.” Kael huffs breathlessly and his mom manages a meek smile. “Yes, but, I thought that maybe they’d treat us more humanely.” Kael cracks a smile. “We’re royalty to them—not human—and because of that, they treat us as so.” His mother hums softly to herself listening as the car roared to life and they began to drive away from the castle. Kael glances back over his shoulder watching as the people and the castle grew further and further away. Once the castle vanishes from his sight, he turns away from the back window and looks towards his mother. “When we get closer to the gravesite, another black van carrying your father’s body will follow behind us.” Kael nods. “Now,” she releases her sons hand and takes his chin. “You’re keeping something from me, there’s somewhere else you want to be isn’t there?” she asks and her tone had shifted caringly. Kael nods slowly. “Yes…there is.” His mothe
r heaves a sigh before pinching his cheeks between her fingers. “Does it have something to do with that lover of yours?” she asks and Kael hesitates before nodding. “Yes, it does.”
“Very well,” she smooths down the dress she wore and stares ahead. “You can leave the ceremony early, if this person is so dear to you and whatever has happened is bothering you this much,” she gestures to Kael’s clasped hands. “You can leave.”
“Mom…”
“You’ve been through a lot and I wasn’t there for any of it; your pain, your growth.” She sighs sadly. “So…I can at least do this much for you.”
“Thanks mom.” Kael says with a forced smile and she pats his thigh. “Not a problem at all, my son.” They drove on in silence, their pains and joys a secret to one another, but it was a secret that wouldn’t last for long. After a moment he looks towards his mother and says “He died mom.” She’s unexpressive at first, her gaze focused ahead and then she turns to face him, her eyes wide. “What did you say?” she asks and Kael looks into her eyes, that smile on his face. The smile that said “I’m hurting, but I’ll bare it.” That smile stretches his face and he repeats. “He died. Aiden. Died.” He spoke in pauses and his mother shakes her head reaching her hand out to touch his face. “Kael,” he gently knocks her hand away and turns towards the window. The gap between them was slowly closing and now Kael felt as though he no longer had to hide from his mother. So when the tears come he doesn’t try to hide them, instead he lets them fall instead of himself.
~*~
Francis, Janus and Jenna were gathered and silent as they sat together in their living room. The whirr of the fan was the only sound, whooshing and whooshing as though everything were alright. Janus stood by the window with his arms crossed and his back to them, Francis was staring at Jenna who was covering her face with her hands and shaking her head slowly. “This can’t be right.” She mumbles. “I still can’t…”
“Jenna. Stop it.” Janus demands. “Stop it before you drive yourself mad.” He turns to her, his eyes red. He had been crying too, but he didn’t want to admit it to them. “We all have to be strong.”
“Be strong for who?” Francis questions. “I feel that if I try to be strong anymore, I’ll shatter.” He rambles on. “Aiden isn’t…he isn’t coming—“ Francis clamps a hand over his mouth and wheels himself away from them as the tears start to fall. Janus and Jenna are quiet watching as he goes away. “He has a point.” She says. “I’ve been holding myself back Janus, but I,” she runs a hand through her frizzed hair. “I feel myself breaking. As each day passes and I realize,” she stares at her hands. “That he isn’t here and the funeral is tomorrow and I’m just—I can’t Janus.” Her voice breaks. “I can’t do this “be strong” thing anymore. I just want to let it out and scream and curse at someone because Aiden—Aiden….” Her voice fades out and she shakes her head. Janus walks over to her and takes her into his arms. He smooths a hand over her head and together they sway from side to side. “Remember the time he tried to surprise you on your birthday?” Janus begins, his voice as soft as the clouds in the sky. Jenna nods. “I remember that his planning was a tad bit—excessive and it didn’t even go accordingly.” She cracks a smile. “Remember when you were younger, he would always make fun of the Prince whom he never knew.”
“He called him a spoiled brat.”
“Yes,” Janus smiles. “And Aiden, Aiden…” Janus falters, he pauses to gather his thoughts. “He’s…” he couldn’t find the proper words and instead of trying to make something up, he holds Jenna tighter and cries beside her ear. “I’m sorry, Jenna.” He hiccups and she smiles sadly. “You’ve been strong all your life because he’s been helping you hasn’t he?” she asks and Janus nods, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. “And it hurts, doesn’t it?” he nods again. “Say that it hurts.”
“It…” he swallows, his throat clicking. “It hurts.” His voice broke beside her ear and she closes her eyes resting her chin on his shoulder. “Janus…”
“Yes?”
“It hurts now, but every time we think of him we’ll smile. Because Aiden has always been good at doing that.” Janus chuckles lightly to himself. “Yes….” He runs his fingers through Jenna’s soft tresses. “He was…” they stop swaying and hold each other staying as still as possible and listening to the beating of their hearts. Janus wasn’t thinking anything—wasn’t trying to think about anything—he just wanted to be, to remember and to not forget. He didn’t want to think about regrets or come up with any. He just wanted to hold onto Jenna and cry until his chest hurt, cry until he couldn’t cry anymore and then once all tears were shed, he would take Aiden in his arms and send him off.
From outside of the window, the gray sky begins to brighten to a mesmerizing white. Kael had called Janus last night and they had discussed the King’s funeral plans as well as Aiden’s. Janus could hear it in Kael’s voice—he was struggling to keep himself together. His heart made of glass that could so easily be shattered if a rock was thrown at the right time. “Just go to sleep.” Janus had told him. “Close your eyes and don’t think about anything.”
“Anything at all?”
“That’s right—nothing—close your eyes and think of…think of him.”
“Why?” Kael questions. “Because he would want you to, to not think of the bad things but to think of the day you first met him, the day you first kissed him.”
“Janus….”
“Your heart is hurting, you feel like crying, I know you’re probably asking the world why? You’re probably hating yourself.”
“…”
“Don’t do that Kael. Didn’t he teach you not to do that? To not blame yourself for everything.”
“But Janus, I—“
“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. I want you to tell yourself that.” As Kael sat on the edge of his bed, his feet dangling over the carpet and his eyes heavy with lack of sleep, he nods. “It’s not…my fault.”
“Say it again.”
“It’s not my fault.” His voice begins to fade into a whisper. “Now say that Aiden knows it isn’t and that…that he misses you too.”
“What? Why would I—“
“Just say it.” There’s a pause and then a sharp intake of breath. “Aiden knows that it isn’t my fault…” he pauses and Janus says nothing, waiting for Kael to collect himself. “…it isn’t and he—he,” now there’s a long, drawn out sigh. “He misses me too.”
“Good. Now Kael.”
“Yes?” his voice sounded weak and small, like a lost child. “Go to sleep, tomorrow is going to be a long day.”
“Janus, can you—could you keep the phone by you?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Okay, thank you.” And Kael hung up, but Janus knew that he had to be curled up in a fetal position clutching his phone to his chest and trying so hard not to think about the memories he protected himself with—the memories of Aiden.
Janus finally releases Jenna from his hold and they stare at each other with sad eyes. “It’s…tomorrow afternoon right?” she asks and Janus nods. “Yes.”
“I’ll head over to his house and see how his parents are doing.” The day Aiden passed they had immediately jumped into his funeral plans, as if on autopilot. “We don’t want to draw out his death and pain, like we did to Skye—he must rest as quickly as possible.” She had said and left the room to call a funeral parlor. But moments later her husband went out to sooth her crying.
“That sounds like a good idea.” Jenna nods. “Yes,” she leans towards the couch to pick up her coat. She slips it onto her arms and sighs. “Everything feels like one long and fucked up dream.” Her voice is bitter and the laugh Janus emits is just as hard to swallow. “If only that were so.” He murmurs walking towards the front door and opening it for her. “Be careful, looks like it may snow.”
“I hope it does, maybe it’ll bury these memories with the city.” She steps out into the cold and opens her arms up to the
sky. “Aiden!” she calls. “Is it warm up there?” her voice echoes in the silence. “I hope it is!” Janus watches her with his hands clutched behind his back and his lips drawn into a tight, sad smile.
Yesterday…
Kael was sitting in the hospital lobby, His mind had left a long time ago, replaying the silence and asking himself why. Why now? Why him? Why? It didn’t make any sense and he didn’t want to think about it for it to make sense. The nurse that had seen him leaning against the wall earlier, comes up to him again and shoves a cup of water in front of his face. “Drink.” She demands. “I’m afraid you’ll faint.” And she had every right to be afraid. Kael looks towards her and with trembling fingers he takes the cup from her. He holds it in the palm of his hand feeling the cold and wondering if Aiden had felt cold too when he took his last breath. “Ma’am…” Kael begins softly. “Yes?” he keeps his gaze on her. “There’s…there’s no tears…” he mutters and her eyebrows draw together with sympathy. “The shock can do that to you.”
“There’s…there’s nothing.” She nods reaching forward and squeezing his shoulder. She bows to him before walking away and leaving him in the empty lobby. He sat listening to the passing and shuffling of feet, to the growing and dying away of chatter and then he can faintly hear a voice calling out to him. “…ael! Kael!” he looks up, his hazy gaze landing on Janus’s quickly approaching figure, Jenna wasn’t too far behind him, her usually tied up hair, falling across her shoulders like a brown veil. Janus had gone down to meet her because moments after he called her, she rushed to the hospital. “Janus…” Kael slowly rises to his feet clutching tightly onto the front of his shirt, he was still in his pajamas and holding onto the cup of water. Janus reaches him in a matter of seconds and without so much as a greeting or a question, he wraps his arms around Kael and embraces him tightly, crushing the water. “It’s okay.” Janus smooths a hand through Kael’s hair. “You’re alright.”
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