It would physically hurt him to look at her but not be able to go over and touch or kiss her or drag her away upstairs with him to some dark room and lock them in for the rest of the weekend. Not just for sex, but for her company — her warm, kind, witty company that made him feel like he finally had someone who genuinely liked him for who he was and not what he could offer her in monetary or lifestyle terms. She knew the real him.
At first he’d been affronted by her suggestion that he was a coward, putting her comment down to her being angry with him, but the more he thought about it, the more he began to realize she might be on to something.
There really wasn’t anything stopping him from being with her. Her family liked and respected him — Gareth may have an initial strong reaction thanks to the ick factor of them being his best friend and his sister — but he knew everyone would be rooting for them in the end.
So he was the obstacle. Him and his own stupid fear of rejection. He was afraid he’d mess it up somehow. It had been so easy, going along with his life with no one else to consider, no one else to please and make happy, but he couldn’t be selfish forever. Ellie was right. He would end up a sad old man, alone and miserable as he tried to recapture his youth with women who would no longer want him because he would never make a good father for their child. Or a good and reliable partner. He was facing a long future on his own at this rate.
He didn’t want that, but he knew now what he did want.
Ellie.
She made him happy, which wasn’t an emotion he was very familiar with. Satisfied, yes. Happy, no. She deserved to be happy too, especially after the years of psychological abuse that bastard Paul put her through.
Had he left it too late? Rising panic surged through him. What if she’d decided this guy was right for her and he’d missed his chance?
He’d have to tread carefully, because after his ridiculous performance the last time he saw her, she would definitely be on her guard. His blood raced round his body, speeding adrenaline to every muscle, every nerve ending. He needed to find her and put this right.
But when he emerged from his hiding place in the library, she was nowhere in sight.
Where the hell had she gone?
Chapter Ten
Ellie stood in the middle of Gideon’s bedroom and breathed in the smell of him that hung in the air. His spicy fragrance had tormented her when she was here the first time, before they’d … had sex. She couldn’t think of it as making love; he’d made it very plain that being in love was the last thing he wanted to be a part of.
She shouldn’t have come in here, but something had driven her to peek her head around the door on her way to one of the upstairs bathrooms, and she’d been drawn inside.
A sad sense of longing pooled in her belly as she gazed down at the enormous bed where she’d had so much fun with him. It felt like a dream now.
She shook her head, annoyed at allowing herself to feel like this again. She’d made up her mind about moving on from Gideon, it was clear there was no future with him. She could never allow herself to be dragged into another fling with him. It would be too painful to let him go again. He wasn’t to be trusted when it came to a serious relationship — she needed to remind herself of that, no matter how much it hurt.
She jumped in shock, her hand flying to her chest, as the door to the bedroom opened with a swish against the heavy wool carpet, and she spun around to see who’d come in.
Gideon.
Her face flamed as she realized the idiocy of getting caught in his bedroom. He’d think she was pining for him, acting like one of the stupid women he dated and tossed aside once he’d finished with them.
She drew up to her full height and turned to face him, ready to stand her ground and not — absolutely not — end up a messy puddle on the floor.
“Here you are,” he said, looking at her intently, as if he were trying to find a polite way to tell her to get out of his room and stop stalking him like a crazy person.
“Here I am,” she replied not willing to give him any help whatsoever in making her look and feel like a total idiot.
He closed the door and moved further into the room, closer to her but still far enough away that they couldn’t touch, even if they stretched out their arms. Which wasn’t going to happen, she reminded herself before the longing kicked in and brought her to her knees.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” he said.
“Really? Well, I was trying to find a free bathroom,” she improvised, shifting her stance to ease her aching feet in their high heels. She pushed her shoulders back in an attempt at nonchalant disregard at his presence there.
“What happened to Toby?”
She shrugged, feeling caught out. “Ah, he’s around somewhere.”
“He seems like a nice guy.”
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t lie to him, especially as it was likely Toby would be going home with someone else on his arm judging by the splash he’d made with some of the other female guests. “It’s not going to work out with him. We’ve decided just to be friends.”
Something flashed in Gideon’s eyes. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you?”
He looked at her steadily for a moment. “I wanted to apologize for what happened at your flat.”
The change in subject threw her for a second, before she steeled herself for the inevitable conversation that she’d already been having in her head for the past few weeks.
“Why did you have sex with me that night, when we’d agreed to end things after leaving this house?” she asked, wanting to get it over with, to hear the horrible truth so she could finally move on.
He took a deliberate step forward and the air around her seemed to change; it was as if an electrical storm was brewing.
“I wanted to fuck you so soundly you wouldn’t give any man you met that night a second thought,” he said, his bright eyes full of intense longing that made her stomach flip over.
“But why?” she managed to struggle out, despite the raging conflicts in her head telling her not to listen to his excuses, not to give him any kind of leverage over her.
He turned away, as if trying to gather his thoughts.
“You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either, do you?” she said, anger and pain and hurt making her voice shake.
He opened his mouth to reply, his eyes filled with confusion and anxiety, then shut it again, shaking his head.
She’d never seen him lost for words before and almost reached out to him before steeling herself against the urge.
“Are you pregnant?” he asked quietly, catching her off guard.
“No. Don’t worry, your bachelordom is safe.”
“Maybe I wanted you to be.” The fierce passion in his voice made her heart pound against her ribs.
“What?” The word came out as a gasp as she struggled to comprehend what he said. Had she misheard him?
“I’ve been thinking about it recently, the fact that you might be pregnant, and I realized I didn’t totally hate the idea.” He ran a hand over his eyes in agitation. “In fact I felt excited by it. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have as the mother of my children.”
Ellie felt as though he’d just grabbed her head and spun it around fast on her shoulders. “Then why the hell did you act like that then when you … we forgot the condom?”
“Because I was scared, Ellie. You’re right. I’m a coward. I’m terrified I won’t be able to handle being responsible for someone else. I’ve spent so much of my life only looking out for myself — and trying not to let anyone in so I can’t be ignored and left behind again.”
“But you seem so happy with your life. You’re so sorted. Especially compared to me.”
He shook his head sadly. “You have everything, Ellie, and I have nothing.”
“What are you talking about? Look around you.”
“Don’t be so naive. Possessions, things, they mean nothing. It’s people that matte
r. I’d give up my wealth in a second for a family like yours. You don’t know how lucky you are. It’s so easy for you to push them away when they try to pry too deeply into your life. You act like you don’t need them. I don’t have the luxury of being able to do that.”
She felt stunned. “You’re jealous. Of me.”
“Yes.”
“That’s so … baffling.”
“Of course it is, to you. You have no idea what it’s like to be completely on your own. You have family and friends who love you and want to keep you safe.”
“But you seem so happy to be autonomous. I thought you liked being on your own. Not having anyone to care about.”
“Yeah well, I got to be good at acting the part when I was young and I guess it stuck.”
“But all those women … surely that wasn’t part of the act.”
“Why not?”
“I assumed you liked it that way.”
“You seem to have made an awful lot of assumptions about me without checking your facts first.” Anger flashed in his eyes as he spoke and it nearly broke her. She was determined not to just lie down and let him walk over her though.
“This is all based on what I’ve seen over many years, Gideon.”
“But that’s the thing. You never really knew me before, you’ve always kept you distance.”
“For good reason.”
“What reason is that then?”
She realized she’d backed herself into a corner. She didn’t want him to know how she’d secretly pined for him since she was a child. How whenever he was around she’d tremble with nerves and excitement. How every time he turned up with a new beautiful, glamorous girlfriend on his arm she’d found it almost impossible not to break down into sad, angry, desperate tears.
That was why she kept her distance, because she would never have him the way she wanted him.
Her lack of response obviously gave Gideon the impression he was winning her over, because he stepped deliberately closer, and his expression softened.
“Look, I didn’t come to this house that weekend expecting to make love to you, but it happened. We’ve opened the flood gates here … we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” His gaze searched her face. “Would it be so bad … you and me?”
“Yes. No … I don’t know, Gideon. I need a bit of time to process this. I don’t know what to think.”
“Don’t be so bloody stubborn. Just because you didn’t orchestrate it doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea.”
“Gideon, you fall for women at the drop of a hat, but when the crunch comes, you can’t commit. What if that happens with us? I couldn’t stand it.”
“Look Ellie, I’m not like Paul. I might have been out with lots of women, but I’m very picky about who I go to bed with and I don’t cheat.”
“Is this your sales pitch?” she asked and was rewarded with an exasperated sigh.
“Will you please try to take this seriously for a minute? You may not think it, but this is bloody hard for me, Ellie. I’m putting myself on the line here and the least you can do is give me a fair hearing.”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said, humbled by the passion and pain in his voice, “Please, carry on.”
He took another step toward her, putting his hands gently on her shoulders and drawing her closer to him until she thought she might pass out from the intensity of her reaction to him. “I know what I want now,” he said, looking directly into her eyes. “I want you and me to be together. Properly. As a couple.” He blew out a breath as if saying the words had caused him actual physical pain. “It’s actually rather liberating saying it out loud.” He smiled down at her tentatively. “What do you say? Will you give us a chance?”
She didn’t think she’d be capable of tying her own shoelaces right then, let alone make a decision that could potentially alter her entire life. It was so tempting to throw herself into his arms, but she needed to take a moment to work through the turmoil in her head first.
“I don’t know, Gideon, I can’t think straight right now. Will you give me a bit of time to think about it?”
“Okay,” he said, releasing her shoulders and stepping away from her. They felt cold and bare after losing the gentle warmth of his hands. “You’ve got ’til the end of the evening, then we’ll talk again.” He looked at her for a long minute and her body flooded with heat under his scrutiny.
Nodding, she turned to go, desperate for some space to reflect on the crazy mess of emotions now spinning through her head.
Gideon grabbed her arm as she went to walk away and she turned to look at him. His eyes were dark and fierce with passion and her heart flipped in response.
“I want you to know that I’ll always love you. It’s as simple as that,” he said, his voice low but steady, before releasing her arm and walking away.
• • •
The rest of the reception passed in a blur. Ellie kept catching sight of Gideon as she circulated with the other guests, but he made sure he gave her the space he’d promised because they didn’t come fully face to face again.
Her mind was a whirl of thoughts and emotions. She could have him if she wanted, he’d made that quite plain, so what was stopping her from searching him out and telling him yes?
Something was.
She was scared. Scared it wasn’t real and that he might wake up in the morning and decide that the romance of the wedding had gone to his head and he didn’t really want her after all. Scared that she still hadn’t found every little bit of herself that Paul had slowly stripped from her.
After all the crap she’d been through, was she ready to embark on a relationship with someone she wasn’t one hundred percent sure would still be around in six months’ time?
She needed to get out of there, away from his overwhelming presence, and think it through rationally.
Pacing around the kitchen garden helped soothe her frazzled nerves and the tension in her muscles began to dissipate as she walked. She remembered back to the last time she was here, marching around, trying not to think about Gideon in the shower. She smiled at the memory. No matter how hard they’d tried to keep away from each other, it hadn’t been possible.
Wrapping her arms around her for warmth, she considered her options. Option one: She could take him up on his offer and be with the man she was in love with, but who she didn’t entirely trust to stick around. The thought of losing Gideon once she allowed herself to hope about a future with him made her shiver with fear. Option two: She could tell him no and probably spend the rest of her life failing to find someone else who made her feel as excited to be alive as he did.
Cold drops of rain started to fall as she continued to pace, but she ignored it, intent on making her decision. She thought about Penny and what she’d gone through to get her happy ever after, and how proud she was of her friend for her strength and positivity in the face of so much pain and heartache.
A sense of calm acceptance settled over her. It was a question of being brave now. She’d spent too long living as a shadow of herself and she refused to let fear get the better of her any more.
It was time to find Gideon. She knew now what her answer was.
• • •
It was after midnight before the last guest left and the bridal party retired to their rooms. Gideon had paced the party anxiously after he’d left Ellie in his room, counting down the minutes until he could find her again and ask for her decision. He was so unused to giving someone else the control, and it made him jittery and tense.
What if she said no? It was entirely possible given her recent relationship history. She was obviously terrified of making the same mistake again, and he couldn’t blame her for that.
He went looking for her, methodically checking each room downstairs, but she was nowhere to be seen.
Had she left?
It was raining heavily outside now and he stared out into the dark, damp night trying not to imagine how he’d feel if she turned him down.
; There was a gentle knock at the front door and he hurried to answer it, desperately hoping it was her.
It was.
His heart pummeled his chest and his breathing quickened as relief coursed through him.
Thank God, was all he could think as Ellie stood there, her hair soaked and plastered to her head, her make-up running down her face.
“You look awful,” he said, feeling the corner of his mouth twitching at her irked expression.
“Thanks,” she replied before breaking into a wry smile in return.
“What were you doing out in the rain?”
“I needed a bit of air. Your garden doesn’t offer a lot in the way of shelter.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them as they stared at each other, the unresolved question hanging between them.
Ellie gave a shudder of cold.
“Hell, Ellie, you’re freezing. You’d better get dry,” he said, ushering her inside.
She stepped inside the hallway and turned to look at him, an expression of confused anxiety on her face.
“Come on,” he said, before she could say anything. He didn’t want to have this discussion in his hallway. They both needed to be calm and comfortable before they even thought of tackling what needed to be said.
He took her hand and wound his fingers through hers, before pulling her gently along with him.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“In the shower.”
“You mean I’m going in the shower.”
“No.”
He led her up the stairs and into the en-suite bathroom in his room, neither of them uttering another word.
Once there, he turned to face her, and after giving her a few beats to tell him no, this wasn’t what she wanted, he reached around and slid down the zipper of her soaked dress.
She allowed him to push the straps down her arms and peel the sodden material away from her body until it pooled in a heap at her feet. Her breath came out in soft gasps but neither of them spoke.
Keeping his concentration solely on the task in hand and not allowing his more carnal instincts to take over, he hooked his fingers into the band of her panties and drew them down her legs, tapping gently on her calves to ask her to step out of them.
Her New Worst Enemy Page 15