by M. Z. Kelly
As I settled my bill, Robin asked me if I was seeing anyone.
I shook my head. “After what…” I paused. “…after everything that’s happened, I’m on the shelf. I’m planning on staying single and unattached. I have lots of work to do on myself before I even begin to even think about a relationship.”
My brother smiled and hugged me. “All I know is that with your looks and your new do…it might be difficult staying on the shelf for very long.”
I kissed his cheek and smiled. “You just made my day.”
NINETEEN
Harlee asked about you, and said something about seeing you on TV, working your cases.
As I drove home, I was convinced by what Robin had said that I’d probably been on Harlee Ryland’s radar for months, maybe years, even while she was dating Noah. It also seemed likely that she’d been working with Collin Russell and her grandfather all along, both to protect their fortune and to cover up the murders they’d committed.
Retribution.
Harlee’s last words to me held both a promise and a threat. I knew that she would stop at nothing to protect the deadly legacy she’d inherited. And, while I was still committed to shining the light of truth on what happened, I also knew that I would need to be more vigilant than ever.
Bernie and I had just gotten home when Natalie knocked on my door. “You need to come over, Kate. I just got the lowdown on the dirty deeds Izzy’s…” Her eyes fixed on my hair. “What’d you do to yourself?”
I brushed a hand through my new do as she bent down and greeted Bernie, who had started doing the happy dance when he saw her. “Robin gave me a shorter and sassier look. What do you think?”
“I think you look…hot.” She stood and lowered her voice. “Be careful ‘round Howie. Depending on when you catch him, he’s got a rep for hittin’ on anything that’s movin’.”
“Howie?”
“He’s the bloke who’s got the lowdown on Izzy’s cheatin’.” She tugged on my arm. “Come on, you gotta meet him.”
After a couple feeble protests, telling Natalie that I had plans to spend a quiet night alone, she dragged me next door. I found Mo in their living room with a handsome man who looked like he was around thirty.
After Mo complimented me on my hair, she made introductions. “This here is Howie Cromwell. He’s one of Izzy’s assistants in his magic show, but he also does some PI work for Jimmy.”
Jimmy was Natalie and Mo’s boss, a sleazy PI who hired several part-time employees. Cromwell was handsome, with blue eyes, and brown hair cut short. He wasted no time proving Natalie was correct about him being a womanizer.
“Do you have a little black dress?” Howie asked me.
“I ah…” I looked at my friends, who were smiling like they had a secret. I looked back at their guest. “I guess.”
“Put it on, so I can take it off you.” His eyes swept over my body. “I wanna see what’s in the fridge.”
I looked at my friends and realized they’d probably told him about me not dating. They often referred to my private parts as being in the refrigerator when I wasn’t in a relationship.
I was about to respond when Howie went on, still ogling me. “Dang ya…dang ya…I’d like to take ya home and bang ya.” He looked at Natalie and Mo. “You know what the difference is between men and women?”
Natalie started to answer. “I heard this theory once…”
“Wrong,” Howie said, cutting her off. “Men are more in touch with their bodily functions.” He pulled on his finger and made a farting sound. He looked at me. “Wanna hear me play ‘Unchained Melody’?” He didn’t wait for an answer, instead pulling his finger several times as he farted his way through the song. When he finished, he said to me, “What do you think?”
“I think you’re insane,” I said.
Howie looked at my friends. “I think she likes me.”
Mo brushed blue wig hair out of her eyes. “Kate always did like men who are in touch with their bodies.”
“Want another song?” Howie asked me.
I stood. “I think I’ve heard enough.”
“Wait.” Natalie pulled me down onto the sofa, then said to Howie, “This one needs to be brought around slowly. You’d better put it in PG gear.”
Howie cleared his throat, sat up straighter. “Very nice to meet you, Detective Sexton. May I call you Kate?”
I looked at my friends and exhaled. “Really?”
“Howie’s harmless,” Mo said. She looked at their friend. “Aren’t you, hon?”
Howie’s face was serious as he nodded. “I’ve been in therapy for years, learning to control my impulses.” He lowered his voice and pointed at my friends. “These two are aliens, in case you didn’t know. Klaatu barada nikto.”
“What?”
“It’s from the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still. It’s an alien phrase instructing Gort, the robot, not to destroy the planet. So far, I’ve been able to keep Hollywood safe from them.”
I rolled my eyes. “Enough.”
“Back on PG mode, Mr. Spock,” Natalie said to him. She looked at me. “Howie’s been workin’ as an assistant in Izzy’s show for the past few months. When he also came to work for Jimmy part-time, I had him check on the dirty wanker.” She looked back at Howie. “Tell her, in terms that she can understand, what’s been goin’ on.”
Howie’s voice changed, reminding me of a character from the old TV show Dragnet. “I was working the night watch out of metro last Tuesday, assigned to surveil one Izzy Cluck. At zero eight hundred hours, said subject was seen entering the Lamplighter Motel with the assistant in his magic show, one Doreen Drake. They remained in said accommodations until just after midnight, where it seems highly probable that Mr. Cluck engaged in a sexual act that rhymes with his surname.”
“He screwed his assistant, Doreen,” Natalie said.
“It was a Cluck fuck,” Mo agreed.
Howie made a clucking sound like a chicken and began flapping his arms.
“Control,” Mo cautioned him, wagging a finger.
Howie fell silent.
“So you’re sure he’s been cheating on you,” I said to Natalie.
Howie failed to muffle another cluck as Natalie answered. “What Howie saw confirms it. It’s now payback time.”
“What have you got in mind?”
Howie made some rat-a-tat-tat sounds, like a machine gun.
He’d gotten on my nerves again. “Silence!” I said. I looked back at Natalie, raising my brows.
“Public humiliation,” Natalie said.
“What exactly does that mean?”
“Me and Mo gotta work out the details, but we want you there.”
“Baby sis is gonna make this big,” Mo said.
Howie had his arm raised. “What is it?” I said, annoyed with his nonsense.
“May I be excused? I have to go to the little boys’ room.”
“I think you better just call it a night,” Mo said to him. “Kate’s tolerance tank’s runnin’ on empty.”
Howie stood, but reached down and kissed my hand. “It’s been exquisite. Perhaps you can come to my nude jousting event this weekend. I think you’ll find that I thrust and parry with the best of them.”
“I’m busy,” I said, before he sauntered off.
After he was gone, I looked at my friends. “I don’t believe what I just saw.”
“That’s nuthin’,” Natalie said. “Howie was on his best behavior tonight. It gets a lot better once you get to know him.”
We went back to discussing Izzy for a moment, before Natalie got us a bottle of wine. After serving the drinks, she and Mo asked for the details about my time with the feds. After I filled them in on everything, they asked about Lindsay.
I lied once again. “All we can do at this point is hope she finds a way to contact us and gets away from the Swarm.”
Mo’s heavy brow tightened, she turned her head slightly, then regarded me with one eye in her characteristic way. “You sure there ain
’t more?”
I nodded, but didn’t meet her eyes. “I’m sure.”
Natalie spoke up, telling me, “We know you better than your own mum, Kate…sorry, I forgot, she’s dead. But we can tell when you’re lyin’. What’s really goin’ on?”
I sighed and shook my head, deciding I had no choice but to level with them. “You both have to promise me you won’t say anything to anyone about what I’m going to tell you.”
I got a couple sistah pinky swears, as Natalie calls them.
“There’s a man named Jenson Moore. He’s a wealthy industrialist who is part of the Swarm. He’s got Lindsay. He wants me to meet him at Lake of the Shrine Friday night or he’s going to kill her.”
Mo set her glass down. “What you gonna do ‘bout this?”
I tried to keep my voice steady, even though my emotions were surfacing. “I have no choice but to meet him. If I don’t, I’m sure he will kill Lindsay.”
“We gotta go with you,” Natalie said.
“No. He made it clear that if I tell anyone about this, Lindsay will die.”
“But it’s not safe,” Mo said. “I know that place. Me and baby sis can stay in the woods, watch your back from a distance.”
“Please,” Natalie begged. “If anything ever happened to you…” She brushed a tear and didn’t go on.
I released a long breath and reached over, squeezing her hand. “Let me think about it, and I’ll let you know. In the meantime, be sure you don’t mention this to anyone.”
We chatted a few minutes longer while we finished our wine, before Mo asked me, “What’s the latest with Harlee the hater?”
“When I called Leo and told him I’d be back at work tomorrow he said, as far as he knows, she’s keeping a low profile.”
“Maybe that’s ‘cause she’s hooking up with Brett Denver.”
“The actor?”
“That would be him,” Natalie said. “Rumors have it that Denver has secretly been one of them Tauists for years.”
Denver was a Hollywood A-lister with a bad attitude, whose career had cooled in recent years. He’d also been the fodder for gossip magazines that ran salacious stories about his many exploits.
“I’ve heard some talk that he’s been involved in lots of drugs and sex scandals,” I said. “And he also filed bankruptcy.”
Natalie finished her wine. “Looks like he’s got himself a new sugar mama.”
“Denver’s bad news,” Mo said. “He’s as mean and nasty as they come, so if those two are hookin’ up, you need to watch your back.”
I sighed. “They’re going to have to get in line.”
“Mo’s right,” Natalie said. “Denver’s a janky little bastard.” She looked at Mo. “Guess we need to keep an eye on them two, along with that Jenson Moore bloke.”
I again told them I hadn’t made any decisions about how to handle Moore, before making excuses about needing to go because I had an early day tomorrow.
Natalie then mentioned Nana. “She’s convinced Boris to let me and Mo work our makeover magic on him. The SharkMamas are gonna make him into a new man the night after tomorrow.”
Mo pulled a photograph out of her purse. “This is Boris, so you can see we got our work cut out for us.”
I winced as I examined the photo. Nana’s new roommate looked like something out of an old horror movie. He had more hair than a Wookiee, an overbite, and crazy eyes. I gave the photo back to her. “It looks to me like the SharkMamas are going to need to perform plastic surgery.”
After I agreed to come by and see their handiwork, my friends walked me to the door, where we all exchanged hugs.
Mo then lowered her sonorous voice. “You be careful.”
Natalie brushed another tear as she released me. “Please think ‘bout lettin’ us watch your back. I only got two sisters in this life, and they’re both standin’ right beside me.”
TWENTY
I got to work a few minutes early, where I found Leo already at his desk. My big partner was a morning person, whereas I was…I wasn’t sure what I was anymore, except an insomniac. I’d spent a restless night with images of my sister, Jenson Moore, and Harlee Ryland swimming through my mind.
“Welcome back,” Leo said, as I took a seat, and Bernie settled at my feet. He complimented me on my new hairdo, then said, “I heard you had an eventful week in New York.”
I took a sip of the latte I’d bought on the way to work. “You might say that.”
“Any word on that Jenson Moore fellow?”
“In the wind, but with half the federal government looking for him, he’s bound to surface.” Like on Friday night. “How are things around here?”
“Warm weather, cold cases. Edna wants to meet in a few. Rumor has it he’s ready to move on from the Slayer.”
“We can’t just move on. What about Barbara Slauson and the other victims?”
Leo mentioned attending Slauson’s funeral, then added, “According to Mel, MRS is trying to spin things with the press for the chief. Our suspect has gone to ground, and since Dunbar’s new to his job, he wants to distance himself from an unsolved case.”
I exhaled and ran a hand through my hair. “Why am I not surprised? Did I ever mention that I hate politics, not to mention the brass?”
Leo had his perpetual smile. “Once or twice.” His gaze shifted, his dark eyes fixing on something across the room. I glanced in that direction and saw my former partner coming into the building.
“Is that really Charlie?” I said.
“He looks like he got a haircut.”
“And a new suit.” I stood, and Bernie came up to my side. “I’m going to go over and say hello.”
My former partner had a history of drinking and gambling problems, not to mention making poor choices when it came to the opposite sex. I found Charlie at a temporary workstation and took a seat across from him while Bernie settled at my feet. In addition to the new clothes, it was obvious that he’d also used some black hair dye on his graying sideburns.
“You look like a new man,” I said.
He straightened his tie and smiled. It was a tell. Charlie only smiled if he was getting laid. “I feel like a new man since I dumped that shrew Jessica.”
“I see you got a new wardrobe.”
“I had a few bucks left over from that money your ex-landlord gave me. I let your friends take me shopping.”
“The SharkMamas?”
“Yeah, they said some nonsense about doing makeovers.” Charlie lowered his voice. “I do have a little problem that I could use your help with, though.”
“If you’re going to ask for money, I’m broke.”
He shook his head, his fleshy jowls jiggling. “I need some advice.”
“About?”
His voice came down a notch. “Sex.”
As former partners, Charlie and I had shared information about our personal lives. In recent years he’d become obsessed with sex, so his request wasn’t too surprising.
“I think maybe you should talk to the SharkMamas,” I said. “They’re experts on the subject, and I’m out of circulation.”
“I don’t think they would understand.”
My brows inched together. Bernie lifted his head, maybe also wondering about Charlie’s problem. “What gives?”
He lowered his voice to a whisper. “I met someone, but I’ve got something going on down there when we get physical, if you know what I mean.” He lowered his gaze to a place I didn’t want to think about.
Really? You’re asking me about erection problems, Charlie?
“Maybe you should see a doctor,” I said.
“I don’t have a doctor, and if I did, it’s not something I could talk to him about.” His voice was still barely audible, his gaze scanning the office to make sure we couldn’t be overheard. He looked back at me. “I’ve turned into some kind of freak.”
It was against my better judgment, but I said, “What exactly is your problem?”
“I’m ah…”
He whispered something that I couldn’t understand. “What did you say?”
His words were barely audible. “I’m red.”
“Red?”
“Yeah, down there.” It took every ounce of strength I possessed not to burst out laughing as he went on. “Suzie, she’s my new girlfriend, she said she’s never seen anything like it. I swell up and look like a tomato when we get frisky.” He looked around to make sure we were still alone. “You ever heard of that happening to a guy—I mean, all of a sudden? Maybe it’s some kind of blockage.”
I gulped in a breath and put my hand over my mouth. “It’s a new one on me.” I started to go on, but had to stop to keep from laughing. It took me several seconds, but I finally found some composure. “Maybe you should google your condition.”
“I did. There’s nothing about it on the Internet. I think I’m one of a kind.”
I looked over and saw that Leo was heading for Edna’s office. I looked back at Charlie as I rose. “I’ve got to go. I still think you should see a doctor. I’m sure he’s seen everything, including a red…” My voice pitched higher as I said, “…penis.” It came out as a half-laugh. I took a moment, then added, “Sorry, I really need to run.” Rudolph!
When I got to the bat cave, Bernie trotted off to a corner for his morning nap.
Leo must have seen my lack of composure as I took a seat next to him, across from Darby and Mel. “Everything okay?”
I nodded, stifling another wave of mirth. I tried to speak, but lost control and it came out as a blast of laughter that went on for several seconds. I finally regained enough composure to say, “Sorry. I think maybe I’m just delirious from lack of sleep.”
“She’s goofier than ever from working with the feds,” Darby said to Mel. “I’ve heard some people never recover.”
“What’s going on?” Mel demanded of me.
I took a couple deep breaths. “It’s nothing.” I did my best to control myself, but burst out laughing again as Edna came into the room with our two crime analysts.
“Did somebody put fucking laughing gas in the air conditioning vents?” the lieutenant asked, making a point of using his favorite adjective.
I finally got myself under control. “Sorry. I’m just…” I took a breath. “…maybe I’m stressed out.”