by Belle Aurora
Xavier breaks my thoughts with, “He’s different with you.”
“I know.” My response is neither triumph nor gloating. My response is humbled and humbling.
His fingers play with mine. “I spent days wondering why. I mean, you weren’t doing anything I wasn’t. It took me a while to realise that even though we were essentially treating him the same, your delivery was a lot smoother than mine.” His eyes dart sheepishly to mine. “Tomas doesn’t respond well to anger.”
No. He doesn’t.
As we continue to stay in close proximity, touching, connecting, I chance a question I have no right to ask. “Why did you do it?”
His expression turns confused. “Do what?”
I speak softly, as if to soften the blow of my intrusive question, “Why did you do whatever is it you did to end up in prison when he needed you?”
His body stiffens.
I step closer to him, placing a gentle placating hand on his stomach. “I know I have no right to ask and I won’t judge you by your answer, I’m just trying to understand. Friends do that kind of thing.”
He looks at his brother. His eyes lose focus on everything else in the room. Tomas is his centre. But his answer is gut-wrenching. He whispers in agonising softness, “I did it to get away from him.”
Chapter Sixteen
“There’s something inside of me. Something bad. I fight it every damn day, Cat.” His hand grips mine tightly, tight enough to hurt; although, he doesn’t realise he does it. “I was mourning. We were mourning. But he needed me. And not just here or there, but all the fuckin’ time. It was like I wasn’t allowed to be sad or mad because Tomas needed me. Everything was Tomas this and Tomas that. I was everything he needed me to be. And I hated him for it.” He turns to me, eyes void. “I resented him for being the way he is.” His eyes close and he shuts them tightly as he whispers, “That night before I left him alone in the house, I called him a fucking retard, Cat.”
Part of me wants to punch him. The other part wants to hold him. “You didn’t mean it.”
He opens his eyes and stares into me. “I did. I meant it. I said it to hurt him but I meant it.”
Silence overtakes me. I’m not sure how I feel about this confession.
He nods slowly, averting his eyes. “I know. Fucked, right? He’s my brother. I’m meant to protect him from all those assholes out there, and there I was calling him a name I wouldn’t call my worst enemy. And he knew. I saw the way he stopped rocking. I knew he knew what I’d said. He turned and walked away. And I taunted him. I told him I wished he’d never been born.”
I pull my fingers from his and lean away.
He looks up at me and we both feel it.
Something has changed. Xavier is no longer the man needing a friend while he experiences a hard time in his life. He is no longer the trembling mess that arrived on our doorstep needing help.
I see something more. My brows bunch. He was right. There is something dark inside of him. Something that wants to come out to play. I see that cold darkness in myself. Perhaps that’s why we have bonded so much in this short time. Maybe, for once, we need to be held. I crave affection as much as the next person, maybe more. I think Xavier does too. There is more to us than meets the eye.
I step away. “If you need anything…” I trail off and walk away.
If I don’t walk away now, I’ll beg them to stay.
***
I drag myself into the kitchen, still sore about Tomas and Xavier leaving us. As soon as I enter, I want to turn around and leave.
Alas. I’ve been spotted.
Michelle jumps to her feet from the small kitchen table. “Hey, Cat!”
She rushes over to me and wraps me up in a tight hug. After the day I’ve had, I take in her warmth. Without a second thought, I put an arm around her and squeeze. “Hi, Michelle, how are you?”
She releases me with a huge smile and I turn to Clark, who sits at the table eating his lunch. The relationship between Clark and me has been strained ever since the day he pulled up my garden. I mutter weakly, “Hey, Clark.”
I’m not sure whether he’s still angry at me about Marco or he’s embarrassed about his reaction, but he doesn’t respond, just jerks his chin in greeting. And it stings.
I didn’t do anything wrong!
Keep telling yourself that.
Michelle quickly moves behind the counter. “Sit your buns down, girl. I’ll make you some lunch.” She starts pulling out bread and sandwich meat and just as I begin to protest, she places her hands up and orders firmly, “I said sit!”
I blink. For a little thing, she can deliver an order.
Knowing arguing is futile, I move to the table and take a seat next to Clark. He swallows, and then leans over to me. “It’s okay. We’ll be out of your way as soon as I eat.”
I frown and answer just loud enough for him to hear. “Don’t leave on my account. I’ll go eat in my room.”
He looks down at the table. “I— I just don’t want you feeling uncomfortable is all. I know I fucked up.”
My face softens and I whisper, “We all have bad days and yes, your bad day was pretty epic, but I told you already, it’s done and dusted. We’re good.” He looks up at me, shame in his eyes. I place a hand on his knee and look him in the eye. “We’re good. I promise. There’s no reason we can’t all be friends.”
He nods once, as if reassuring himself. “Well, if you’re sure.”
I sit back as Michelle darts out from behind the counter and places a plate in front of me. I blink down at it and mutter, “Wow.” There’s a sandwich, potato chips and fresh fruit in a little bowl all on the same plate. “This looks great. Thank you, Michelle. I’m suddenly starved.”
She shrugs and blushes, “It’s all part of working in a café, I suppose. I’m used to it.”
I bite into my sandwich and moan. I could not have made this for myself. I garble, “Oh, man. This is good.”
She winks before picking up her own sandwich. “It’s the dressing. My own recipe.”
I moan throughout my entire meal. This is quite possibly the best lunch I’ve had in… well… forever.
Michelle asks, “So the guests are gone?”
I nod and respond sullenly, “Yeah.”
Clark watches me closely. “You sad to see him go?”
Him. I don’t know which him he’s referring to so I shrug and reply, “I’m sad to see them go.” I place emphasis on them.
Clark looks over at Michelle then back to me. “Well, if you ever want to go visit them, Michelle works just a minute walk away from their house. When I go to see her next, you should tag along.”
The offer has me stunned, near speechless. “Really?” He smiles and I ask, “Is tomorrow too early to visit?”
Michelle laughs closely followed by Clark’s chuckle. “Nope. Tomorrow is totally doable.”
And just like that, my bad mood crumbles.
Chapter Seventeen
I woke with a spring in my step. Knowing I was going to be seeing Xavier and Tomas was all I needed to get my groove back. I tried to call Frankie not long after I had breakfast but her phone went to voicemail. I left her a short message, but it was one I knew she’d smile listening to. “Did you know that it’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open? No, really. Try it. I dare you.”
I hung up knowing that stupid message would make her day. I only wished she would call me back.
Ari and I have a job scheduled in for later tonight. A job that requires two people. Meaning two targets. I make a note to get the file details after my lunchtime visit.
My garden calls my name. It has been sorely neglected over the past two weeks. I hate to admit this, but as soon as it had been tainted by Clark’s hate attack, I’ve not felt the same about it. It used to be a beautiful, bountiful place where I could gather strength through solitude. Now all I see are dying plants and a weak attempt at life.
My haven has been desecrated.
But I work
it anyway. If I put enough care into it, it’ll soon be the lush, green place I remember it to be. I know I need to tell Bob about my lunchtime visit but I’m worried. What if he tells me to keep my distance?
I’m not sure I’d obey.
My hand curls into a loose fist and knocks on the office door.
“Come in.”
I open the door a crack and poke my head in. “Got a minute?”
He waves me in. “Problem?”
Pursing my lips, I stroll on in, shaking my head. “Problem? No. No problem.”
His eyes narrow. “What do you want?”
“I was just going to tell you that I was going out with Clark for lunch today.”
Nonchalance. Level: Expert.
His eyes narrow to slits. “Where will you be dining?”
Uh oh. He’s onto me. “Well, Clark was going to have lunch with Michelle and I thought it would be nice to visit Tomas.”
“And Xavier.”
I nod. “Yes. And Xavier. Xavier will be there too.”
He sighs, “Cat…” But I’m ready for him.
I sigh right back, “Bob. It’s just a visit. An hour tops. They need a friend. You know they do.”
He internally debates with himself before giving in. “Okay. But if I see this interfering with your work, it’s over.”
Excitement rushes through me. “It won’t. I promise!”
As I all but skip out the door, Bob calls out, “Take your cell phone.”
I shout back, “I will!”
Then it’s off to visit my friends.
***
As we drive along, I fiddle with the radio. “This station is lame.”
Clark bunches his nose and replies a sullen, “You’re lame.”
I chuckle and find a station I like.
Clark groans. “Anything but pop. Seriously. I will listen to redneck country over pop.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s just for ten minutes, then you can do what you like.”
He mutters, “Yeah, yeah,” but doesn’t change the station.
As soon as we arrive into town, I sit up straighter in my seat. “Which house is it? How far away?”
Clark chuckles, “Old place, run down, blue gate. It’s up a little further. You sure you don’t want me to stay?”
I scoff, “No. I’ll be fine. And I got Bob’s okay. Not a fake okay either.” I smile huge. “A real one!”
Clark grins, “All right. I was just trying to be a friend.”
I look over at him. “That’s the problem, I think. You’re trying too hard. Just let it happen. It’ll come naturally if you let it.”
His face turns tortured. “I am so sorr—”
I cut him off with a swish of my hand. Wide-eyed, I utter an exasperated, “Will you stop already? Sheesh. We both know if I wanted to stop you, I could have. I also could have broken your arm. And your leg. And your neck if I wanted to.”
He jaw steeled, he nods. After a moment silence, he mumbles, “Won’t ever happen again. Promise.”
I reach out and punch his shoulder playfully. “Better not. Or I’ll pop a figurative cap in yo’ ass.”
He snorts and we both laugh.
The car begins to slow. “We’re almost there. Blue gate.”
Three houses down, I see it. A blue gate. A run down house. An overgrown yard. And I couldn’t have been happier to be here.
I open the car door. Clark calls out, “Be back in an hour.”
“Okay. See you then.”
The gate creaks in protest as I try to open it. Rust has me working to push it in. I manage to get it open a wedge and follow the path to the house. As I reach the front door, my brows pull together.
The door is open.
“Hello? Xavier? Tomas? Anybody home?”
No one answers, so I make my way inside. My instincts tell me this isn’t foul play. I call out again, “Xavier, are you home? It’s Cat. The door was open. Tom?”
When I reach the living room, I stop in my tracks. I close my eyes tightly and exhale slowly.
I walk over to Xavier’s limp body and press my fingers to his neck.
A light pulse.
Without a second thought, I pull out my phone and mutter, “You stupid son of a bitch.” I dial Bob and he answers almost right away, “What’s wrong?”
I nudge Xavier with the tip of my toe. “Oh, nothing. Just that Xavier is possibly overdosing and I can’t find Tomas.”
I flinch and pull the phone away as Bob roars, “Fuck!”
“What do I do?”
Bob answers a curt, “Put the asshole on his side and monitor him till I get there. I’ll call an ambulance.”
I’m suddenly scared. “Bob…”
“If need be, I’ll petition for custody of Tomas.”
I close my eyes in relief. “Thank you.”
A pause. “You’re welcome, sweetie.” A sigh. “Make sure the dickhead doesn’t kill himself in the meantime. He owes me. And I’m going to collect.”
I’m almost scared to ask. But I don’t.
Instead, I do as I’m told, and wait for the ambulance.
Chapter Eighteen
The ambulance arrives just as Xavier begins to wake. The medics walk into the house as I kneel by his head and stroke his hair. As he looks up at me, he smiles distantly. “I like this dream.”
I scowl and knock a knuckle onto his forehead. “This isn’t a dream, bonehead. You were passed out cold. I couldn’t wake you so I called an ambulance.”
He blinks a moment before his eyes widen in fear. His body stiffens. “Where’s Tomas?”
I want to be cruel and tell him Tomas is dead. I want for him to have the life scared out of him so maybe he thinks hard the next time he picks up a needle, or joint, or even a bottle. Instead, I look down at him and mutter, “I couldn’t find him when I got here. He wasn’t in the house.”
He tries to sit up but I hold him down by the shoulders. One of the medics holds out a hand. “Easy there. You’re okay now.”
But he booms in panic, “Where the fuck is my brother?”
I stroke his forehead in a soothing gesture. “He’s okay. He was at the library. I called. Clark picked him up and they’re at the church.” My fingers pause. “By the way, Father Robert wants a word with you.”
The smaller male medic asks, “Sir, can you tell me if you’ve taken any non-prescription substances today?”
Xavier looks at the medic. His breathing heavies and his eyes dart back and forth. He looks up at me, distressed. “I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to get some sleep. I was so tired.”
Running my thumbs down his temples, I ask, “Okay. What did you take to help you sleep?”
“I smoked some pot. That’s all. I swear.” From the pleading look in his eyes, I can tell he’s being honest.
The medics aren’t so convinced. They eye each other when one asks cautiously, “Sir, if you’ve taken anything else, we need to know about it. Anything we give you could have an adverse effect if you’ve taken something more. You need to be honest with us. No one here is judging you.”
Speak for yourself.
He doesn’t bother looking at them. He seems to only have eyes for me at this moment. “Nothing more, Cat. I swear.”
“I believe you.” He breathes a sigh of relief, but I don’t let him get away that easily. “But it’s not me you have to convince.”
A medic states, “Sir, we’d like to take you in, make sure all your vitals are normal—”
Xavier’s eyes flash. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m awake now. I’m fine. You can leave now.”
The other medic starts, “Sir, you have the right to refuse treatment, but for the sake of your own safety, I’d advise you to come with us-”
“No,” is said so harshly, I still.
The medics look to me for support. I suppose I should at least try. “Xavier, you worried me. For a second there, I was scared you were dead. Please let them look you over.”
He suddenly looks torn.
After a moment’s contemplation, he utters to the medics, “You can look me over right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Stubborn mule of a man.
I watch the medics measure his blood pressure, shine lights into his eyes and ask him questions. As they’re packing up to leave, Xavier reaches out to touch my hand. Unconsciously, I move closer to his now seated position on the sofa. We look into each other a long while before he mutters, “You were scared.”
I don’t respond. I was more angry than scared. But, yes, I was scared. For a split second.
He continues, “If you were scared this time, how many other times has Tomas been scared? No wonder he was always so angry at me. If I die, he goes back into foster care. If he goes back into foster care, he’ll slip through the cracks of a system that would rather place him in an old folk’s home than provide home care for him.”
My eyes widen a little.
Oh Lord. I think it’s happened.
I think Xavier has finally had his epiphany.
A smile threatens to escape, but I urge it down. Now is not the time to celebrate. “Yes. If he loses you, he’s just another number in the system. He won’t have a face or name. He’ll just be another file.”
He grips my hand tighter. “I can’t let that happen. I won’t.”
I squeeze back. “Then fight for him.”
The medics are packed up and ready to leave. They try one last attempt to have Xavier come to the hospital. “Okay, well, if you don’t need us, we’re heading off. Nice to see you on your feet, son, but lay off the weed. I’d still like for you to come have a full exam…” Xavier is already shaking his head. The medic sighs, “All right then. Good luck to you, son.”
The ambulance leaves soon after. Xavier sits there, holding my hand, looking out the window. “I fucked up. Again.”
I’m at war with myself. My emotions are confusing me. From wanting to beat the ever-loving shit out of him, I now want to comfort this mixed up man. “You’re allowed to fuck up every now and again. You’re only human. But you have to want to be a better person. Not just for Tomas, but for yourself, too.”