by Archer, Amy
“Let’s get drinks and then I want to hear all about how you broke your leg,” Hannah said, and I groaned.
We stepped toward the bar and glanced at the short cocktail menu, and then Olivia squealed. “They have a drink called a Honeybee!”
“We clearly have to get that,” I said.
“Four Honeybees, please,” Hannah said to the bartender.
“Make that five,” said a voice behind us. We all turned together.
“Rachel!” There was another round of hugs, and I said into her hair as she pulled me close, “I’m so happy you’re here.”
We took our drinks to a table and Hannah said, “All right, spill. What happened?”
I sighed, feeling my cheeks turn pink. “I let Devin take me skydiving last weekend,” I said, feeling foolish. “We came in at a weird angle, and I broke my leg.”
There were gasps and cries of disbelief around the table. “You broke your leg skydiving?” Caroline said. “Wow! Your life is so much more interesting than mine.”
I laughed. “Hardly.”
“No, really,” Rachel said, “that’s a really brave thing to do. Sounds like this Devin person is really expanding your horizons.” She gave a wicked smile.
I swallowed. “Actually…we broke up.” It hurt just to say, and I struggled to blink back tears.
“What? No!” my friends said.
I looked around the table at them. Each one of these women had encouraged me in my relationship with Devin, and I felt like I was letting them down, in a strange way, by breaking up with him. “I had to,” I said. “He was just too unpredictable, too spontaneous, and…and I can’t run the marathon with a broken leg.”
Olivia leaned forward. “Maybe not,” she said, “but wasn’t it your choice to go along with the skydiving idea? He didn’t force you into it.”
I glanced at the ceiling, then back at her. “True…” I was getting uncomfortable. “Anyway, what’s new with you all?”
Hannah talked about a guy she’d gone home with last weekend, Olivia talked about a new restaurant client that was driving her crazy, and Caroline talked about perfecting her pizza dough recipe.
“Pizza party at Caroline’s next weekend!” I said.
“Can we please?” she said. “It’s so great to see all of you again. Let’s not lose touch like we did before.”
“That sounds great,” we all agreed.
“What about you, Rachel?” I asked.
She shifted in her seat. “Actually, I bought some paints and a couple of canvases, and I’m trying to get back into doing art.”
“That’s great!” I said.
“It’s thanks to you,” she said. “After I saw you the other week, I realized that you were right—there’s no good reason I stopped, and I miss it. I’m really happy to be starting to work on my art again.”
I glowed with pleasure. Looking around at my old friends, I was so happy to have reconnected with all of them.
“And where’s your husband?” Olivia asked.
“He’s working,” Rachel said, and rolled her eyes in mock disgust. “He’s always working.”
Dinner was served then, and afterward we all broke apart to mingle with our other former classmates. This was the part that had made me most nervous. This was the part where everyone would tell me they were accomplished and well-traveled and happy, that they had set out on their perfect path out of high school and were exactly where they thought they’d be.
But it didn’t happen that way.
“Sophie!” said a voice, and I turned to find George, an old classmate I’d had classes with since elementary school. He’d gained some weight since graduation too, I noticed, yet what I noticed most of all was how good it was to see him again.
“Wow, hi!” I said, giving him a big hug.
George was an electrical engineer, and I felt that familiar tightness returning to my chest as he talked about his job.
“And are you married? Kids?” I asked, and he shook his head.
“Actually, no, I’m divorced.”
“Divorced?” I echoed, surprised. “I’m sorry to hear it.”
“Yeah, we split up last year,” he said. “It was actually just finalized last week.”
Next I talked to Alison and Henry, a couple who had started dating our junior year of high school and were, somehow, still together. She had a noticeable baby bump, and I wished her my congratulations.
“Thanks,” she said, “though at the moment, I’d trade it all for a drink and some raw sushi.”
I laughed. “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“Not yet,” she said. “We’re thinking Anneliese for a girl and Devin for a boy.”
The wind was knocked out of me for a moment as visions of Devin forced themselves into my brain. “Oh, I…those are good names,” I finished, then quickly moved on. “Do you have a nursery ready to go? It must be so fun to paint and decorate a room for a baby.”
“Well…” Alison twirled her wedding ring for a moment before continuing. “We’re not quite sure where we’re going to put the baby. This wasn’t exactly…planned. We’re thrilled, of course,” she added quickly. “But we can’t really afford a bigger place right now.”
“I was laid off at the new year,” Henry added, “so if you hear of anything in semiconductors…”
Then there was Margaret. “Three years cancer-free!” she proudly announced.
“I had no idea!” I said, shocked. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you. It was rough there for a while. Just glad to be through it.”
A few minutes later, I saw back down at our table, where Caroline and Olivia had already returned. “You know…” I said, “I really thought everyone would be so settled, but they’re not. Some people are divorced or have been laid off. They’re facing all sorts of unexpected situations.”
“Of course they are,” Caroline said. “Life is unpredictable.”
“I thought they’d all have…I don’t know, perfect careers by now,” I said.
“Are you kidding?” Caroline said. “I work at a grocery store! I’m not impressing anyone with my dazzling career choices.”
“And perfect spouses and perfect lives. I thought I would be the only one whose life wasn’t moving forward. But I’m not.”
“You are moving forward,” Olivia observed. “And so are they. It’s just that forward isn’t always the path that looks the straightest, and the place you’re headed isn’t always the place you thought you wanted to go.”
We sat in silence for a minute as I stared out at my old classmates, thinking about all the disappointments these people had faced over the years. They too had had breakups, had gained weight, had not gotten the job they wanted or gotten into the school they wanted. Yet what stood out to me was not their failures, but what they had accomplished in the years since high school, and everything they had overcome. People seemed nicer now than they had then, more confident. More unapologetically themselves.
Everyone makes mistakes, I remembered the museum director saying to Angelina the day before. I’d been trying to live my life without making mistakes for so long that it was impossible to imagine what it would feel like to view my mistakes not as mistakes, but as opportunities for growth. Not as obstacles in my path, but as the path itself.
But maybe that’s exactly what they were. Maybe it was okay not to know where I was headed at every moment. Maybe it was okay to stumble and fall and to learn from the experience. Life was certainly more interesting when I allowed in the unexpected.
No one was ever settled. Even the ones who had been “settled”—in jobs, in relationships, in houses—were now unsettled, their lives continuing to change and evolve with the years, and the ones who seemed settled now would one day be less so too.
“You’re right,” I said to Caroline and Olivia. “No one actually has complete control over their lives. Maybe it’s better to live a little and enjoy it rather than trying to control all the details that are impos
sible to control anyway.”
Olivia laughed, pointing at the dance floor. “Hannah would certainly agree with you on that.” Out on the dance floor, Hannah’s shiny hair was shaking as she danced with guy after guy, looking as though she was having the time of her life—or maybe just sizing them up to figure out which she wanted to take home with her that night.
“I miss Devin,” I said. “And Taco.” Olivia put a sympathetic hand on my knee. And at that moment, I realized just how true it was. I missed those two like crazy, more than I’d ever missed anyone in my life. And I knew, suddenly, without any doubt, that I wanted them back. They were worth fighting for, worth the chaos and messiness that they sometimes brought. Worth the occasional broken leg. Worth missing the marathon, even.
I’d trade all of my rules for another chance with that man and his dog. The thought appeared fully formed in my brain, forceful, and I knew it was true. I had to do whatever it took to let Devin know that he was the most important thing in my life, more important than feeling stable and settled.
“I need to find him,” I said out loud. “I need to tell him that I want him back.” I glanced at my watch. Almost eleven o’clock already! Devin would definitely be in bed by now, fast asleep.
“Do it!” Caroline said. “He sounds great.”
“And it seems like you’re really good for each other,” Olivia added with a smile. “When you’re not breaking your leg, that is.”
“Yeah,” I said slowly. “I didn’t think so, but now…you’re right. We are.”
Rachel came to sit with us too, and then it was just Hannah out on the dance floor, inexhaustible. I wanted to find Devin right away, didn’t want another day to pass without us being together. Now that I’d made up my mind, every minute that I had to wait to talk to him hurt.
I would find him first thing in the morning, I decided. I’d go to his apartment, find him as he was leaving for the marathon. I knew I should wait until afterward, but I just didn’t think I could. Besides, this was something we were supposed to do together, and I wanted him to know that I was there in spirit, supporting him, cheering him on. I’d tell him I loved him and wanted to be with him.
I didn’t know if he would listen. But I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t try.
CHAPTER 8
My alarm went off at five that morning. I’d only slept for three hours, yet the moment I heard it I was wide awake.
Devin. It was time to find Devin.
Taking a deep breath, I bounded out of bed, almost forgetting about my leg but catching myself just in time. Okay. Devin’s heat started at 7:25, so I by the time I was dressed and out the door, I’d have two hours to find him and declare my love before he’d be off and running.
Not bothering to eat anything, I took the bus to Devin’s apartment. Come on, come on, I thought. Faster! A few blocks from my stop, the driver parked, stood up, and announced, “This is where I leave you all. Looks like the next driver isn’t here yet, but sit tight and I’m sure she’ll be here soon.” Then he lumbered off the bus. We sat. We waited.
I nervously twiddled my thumbs and checked the time on my phone for the umpteenth time. The minutes were ticking by. I didn’t have time to waste. If I was going to find Devin, I’d need to take matters into my own hands.
Grabbing my crutches, I got off the bus and started down the street toward Devin’s apartment building. Now that I was determined to find him, it couldn’t come soon enough. I had to catch him before he left for the marathon! I was almost running now on my three legs, one real, two made of wood and metal.
Outside his building, I stopped. I wasn’t even out of breath, though I’d been moving pretty fast. I looked up toward his window, as though I’d be able to see him, which of course I couldn’t. Was he still here?
Devin parked in the small garage next to the building, I knew. I’d need to find his parking space and figure out whether he’d left for the marathon already. I climbed the stairs to the third floor of the garage, where his designated spot was. On crutches, the climb felt endless. I looked for his car. Not there.
He had already left.
My heart lurched. I couldn’t wait until afterward to find him, I just couldn’t. I needed him to run knowing that I was thinking about him and cheering him on every step of the way.
I’d have to go to the starting line and search for him there. There would be thousands of people there, and I knew the odds of finding him were slim. But I had to try.
I took the BART to the start point, which was obvious as I got closer and the crowd got thicker. Streets were closed for the marathon, and many fit-looking people walking past me had on runners’ bibs with their number on them. That should be me, I thought, though for the first time the feeling didn’t come with any resentment toward Devin.
It will be me, I thought instead. One day it will still be me. Maybe next year.
I made my way through the crowd on my crutches, trying not to step on any toes or get knocked over by the tightly packed people. Finally I got near the starting line. I heard a gun go off, and heard onlookers cheering as a group of runners headed out on their run. The excitement in the crowd was contagious, and it only intensified my need to find Devin.
Devin, Devin, Devin. He was all I could think about. He was all I wanted.
A curly male head appeared in my field of vision. Devin! I started toward him. But when the guy turned to say something to his friend next to him, I saw that I’d been mistaken. It wasn’t Devin.
Deflated, I kept searching.
“Ouch!” someone cried as I hit someone’s calf with a crutch.
“Sorry!” I said, and kept moving.
Another group of runners started, and I began to lose hope. There were just too many people out here. I’d never find him. And his group would be starting very soon.
And then, there he was. He stood out to me in the crowd like a god, stretching and joking around with the runners around him. I didn’t see anyone from our training group, but Devin could make friends with anyone. My heart warmed instantly at the sight. I wanted to go over and hug him, kiss him, tell him I loved him. But I didn’t know how he would respond. I didn’t know how he was feeling about me. Had he moved on already? Did he never want to see me again?
The crowd between us was even thicker than what I’d been making my way through. It was virtually impassible. He was only twenty feet away, yet I wasn’t sure I could reach him in time.
“Devin!” I yelled. “Devin!”
I thought he’d heard me, but he was only turning to speak to someone again, that goofy grin I knew and loved plastered on his face. Unlike all the early mornings when he’d shown up at training half asleep, he seemed wide awake now.
I inched forward. “Devin!”
And then, miraculously, he turned. He squinted. “Sophie?” I saw his mouth form my name in surprise. It was only five minutes until he was supposed to start running.
Devin pushed his way toward me through the crowd, and finally, we met. The shock was clear on his face. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
I took a deep breath. “I’m being spontaneous,” I said. “Devin, I’m sorry for doing this right before you’re going to run, but I realized something last night, and I need to tell you. I love you. I want to be with you. And I couldn’t stand the thought of you running the marathon without knowing how I feel about you and without knowing that I’m going to be there with you, in spirit, every step of the way. I’m going to be rooting for you and thinking about you the entire time you’re out there, and I can’t wait to see you at the finish line.”
He stared at me, his face unreadable.
“I love you,” I said again. “You and Taco both. I want you both to be in my life. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling about me right now, but I needed you to know. And…I’d like you to consider moving in with me when your lease is up. That way the three of us can be together, and we won’t have to ke
ep shuffling Taco back and forth between our houses. We can be a little family together.”
I took another deep breath, feeling nervous about what he’d say in return but satisfied that I’d said my piece, done what I could.
“Sophie…” he said. He reached out to touch my arm, and I thought for a moment he was going to give me a hug and we’d be back to normal right away. “Sophie, I don’t know.” There was pain in his eyes. “I hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted to do. I kept you from running. I love you, but…I don’t know if you should forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.”
I felt myself shrink. Devin wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me.
It’s okay, I told myself. You knew this might happen.
“I forgive you,” I said. “I love you. And it wasn’t your fault—certainly no more your fault than mine. I agreed to go skydiving.”
He shook his head. “But I was the one in control, and I hurt you.”
“It’s okay,” I told him. “It’ll heal. But I don’t know if my heart will, if you don’t want to be with me.” I put a hand on his arm, and looked into his eyes. “But it’s your decision, not mine. Take your time. But in the meantime, I’ll be there cheering you on and I’ll be there waiting for you at the finish line.”
He nodded, looking away from me. “I have to go.”
“I know.”
I watched him retreat as he made his way back to the starting line and get in position. With only a few seconds to go, he glanced back at me, and I waved one last time. Then the starting pistol sounded and he was off.
I watched until I couldn’t see him anymore, his bouncing hair disappearing into the crowd of runners. I’d tried. Now all I could do was wait.
Well, maybe I could do one other thing.
I headed to the craft store where I’d bought popsicle sticks for my students so many months earlier, the night of our first kiss at Baker Beach. The store was just opening when I got there. This time I headed for the poster board, paints, and glitter. I was going to make a sign cheering for him, and I was going to go all out.